Will I manage on this?

[Gatheryourtarten]

I have 3 primary dc and I’m considering leaving dh, he has a very well paid job (£160k plus) and I have a much lower paying part time job that fits more or less with the children. Prior to having the children I had a career but I stopped working for a few years.
I earn approx £700 a month. It is term time only too.
I think - based on dh having them every other weekend and one night in the week - he’d have to pay around £1k?
I’d get UC too.

I think all in it would be about £2,600? Plus child benefit which I don’t currently receive.
I have no savings, not much pension. I would get a share of the house. Dh has a large pension and about £60k in savings, maybe more.
I want as little as possible from him because that will be the least inflammatory way of splitting. He won’t want to give me anything.
Ideally I’d like to either not have a mortgage or only a small one.
Is this manageable or will I need more work? It’s hard right now to find anything more and youngest dc is only 3.

Unless you have an excellent pension pot yourself, you really need to stop thinking it's his money - you facilitated his career and family life and you're not going to have the same opportunity to build up a decent pension pot that you gave him. It'll be little comfort thinking you took the high road when you're skint in old age.

It sounds like you are being financially abused OP - you live on £700 a month and he's feathered his own nest. You haven't even had your NI contributions protected because he doesn't want to pay more tax.
You have one chance to get a decent settlement here , don't look back in 20 years and regret it.

I wouldn’t want him to have the children 50/50 and put them in childcare for their sake - not for a financial reason.
I didn’t think that was the done thing - if they are still quite young and there’s a parent who can have them putting them in childcare seems ridiculous.
But I know I can’t have my cake and eat it. They are just as much his children and he is entitled to 50/50. It just upsets me because he’s been barely involved really, up to this point.

@DianaT1969 I can't see a court going for that when they have a mum that is there and available for them rather than being palmed off on a third party. I would be surprised if with a job that pays 160k he will want to reduce his hours during the week to accommodate picking up the children when paying £1000 a month to CMS is less than a nanny would cost, but it is possible.

@Gatheryourtarten '03Gatheryourtarten

I just feel it’s his money and his pension.

I couldn’t get a house for £175 but if I got half this house plus some of the savings I could possibly find one for £200k ish.'
Given the assets available the least you should aim for is what you need to house you and DC. So house, plus stamp duty, plus lawyers fees for divorce and legal fees for house purchase, plus £10,000 savings so you've got a contingency fund. And that's not the offer you put to stbxh, that's your minimum position, so you ask for something more so you have room to maneuver. Don't screw yourself and your DC over trying to be fair to your H. You deserve better, but if you can't do it for you, do it for your DC, so they grow up with financial security.

Meant to add, I think you should go for half of everything, so half of house, half of savings, half of pension. He couldn't have lived the life he has, with kids if you hadn't facilitated his work. And if you split you don't know what will happen to the assets he keeps if it'll end up going to your kids or to someone new he meets. Don't count on him to do the right thing by your kids. If he was that person odds are you wouldn't want to divorce him. It's up to you to ensure your kids future.

This is about what is best for your children and I think that is going to be getting a fair split from him - it is I think the only way. He is going to want to protect it but for your children you need to do it properly

legal advice is the way forward. Plus you may not get sign off on anything if it isnt proportionality fair

I cannot imagine any court giving him 50/50 when he works Full Time and you have always done the majority of parenting. Especially if he would just put them into childcare whilst he’s working.

As for you thinking that it’s “his” money, like previous posters have said, only reason he has being able to earn that much is because you did the majority of child care.

Stop thinking that “his” money will be going to you and remember your children.

You need to have a free 30 minute phone call with a solicitor and seek their advice. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

The money is not about you. It is about YOUR (joint) children.
It is not about HIM paying YOU money.
All the money he has earned is because YOU were there looking after his children and running the home.
It is FAMILY money.

As someone said above - he will continue to earn big money, and you will continue to work around the children.

I'm not suggesting you go in trying to take everything from him, but go in for at least 50% of everything - because otherwise you end up in this Rich Dad, Poor Mum scenario which is not fair on the children; you shouldn't be struggling to provide a home for them, only able to work around their hours, whilst he can do what he wants and has 100k sat in the bank.

He is unlikely to go for 50/50 either if he is selfish with his time and energies - he is unlikely to want it - even if he threatens it (which he might).

Don't be overly generous with him about money and don't look at yourself as charity. You have been together for 17 years and this was meant to be a partnership, including the money.

@Gatheryourtarten

I just feel it’s his money and his pension.

I couldn’t get a house for £175 but if I got half this house plus some of the savings I could possibly find one for £200k ish.

If you insist on cutting your own nose off to start negotiations, then you are likely to end up very badly off. Because I guarantee he won't.

Which is why it's vastly better to start with your own (and your children's) interests. He can look after his interests.

Unless you're dying to be poor when you are old like so many women.

Are you kidding
I have got by on half that when i was in your position with 2 dc 😩

Op, what’s the odds of him going for fifty fifty, it seems highly unlikely due to his working hours. It is more likely he will agree something with you, that suits you both

Ok so with half the savings and half the house, what does that bring you to? 250/60?

Because with his pension thrown in there is a good chance you might be able to keep the family home mortgage free Ie it becomes entirely yours as a clean break, you give up rights to his pension and you then get child maintenance for the kids, this means they don’t have to move. Half his pension would be worth a shit load more than 75 k.

So you get half the house, 175k, 80 k in savings, that’s 255, possibly more. The house is worth 350. So assuming his pension pot is worth way more than 200 k, and I’m assuming it is, then you get 100 k from it. Which takes you to the 350 house value

So he just gives you the house, his and your175 equity, he keeps all the savings, and then can use this to buy another property.

In return you sign a clean break, no entitlement to his pension going forward, no claims on anything he earns in future. You walk away,

So then you own the house, you stay put, and the kids stay put, and you have 2600 a month to pay the bills and live off.

Sorry that should say half his pension is worth a shit load more than 100k.

Do go after a fair share, OP.

There is nothing to stop him remarrying, having more children, and not giving your dc much of an inheritance in the end. Some guys do virtually cut out their first families.

Get what you are due, so you can provide for your dc now and in the future.

I think it will be a huge shock to go from a partner earning £160k a year to trying to get by on £700 a month plus benefits and maintenance. You certainly need legal advice. I don't think I'd be brave enough to split in your circumstances.

@Gatheryourtarten

My dh earns too much for me to receive it unless he pays it back and he didn’t want to do that.

He’s not aware, no.
He will basically be a lot lot lot better off than me, but he has remained in full time work and won’t want the split so it seens fair. Why should I get to leave and then take half?

You get to leave and take half because you gave up your career and chance of earning so that you could look after his children and facilitate his career and earning. How wealthy would he be if he’d had to give up his job to stay at home and raise his own children?!

You’ve done every nappy/feed/bath/bedtime... all the drudgery while he’s fucked off playing golf every weekend, why on earth wouldn’t you deserve half for all your hard work?

You really will not get UC OP with that level of assets. My personal view would be to rent something reasonably nice for a year rather than buy something crappy . Cash in the house. Decide then after a year- it’s a lot easier to heal if your surroundings are nice. Please just go for a 50/50 start plus pension provision etc— in 2 or 3 years time you will not give a shit what he thinks especially if he is still having a very nice life and at that point having cash and choices will natter more. In my 1st marriage I took next to nothing out of guilt as I was the one who wanted out- 6 months later he had moved someone else in , was being pretty horrid to me and I regretted being ‘quite so nice’ as I was left with nothing. Don’t act hastily- get 100% of what you are entitled to

I’m not one for saying take all you can get but for 17 years marriage with 3 children and only earning 16k plus a high earning husband you’ll be due much more than 50% of house
No one here will be able to say what but I’d be surprised if you didn’t walk away with 100% of equity or say 80% plus some prension and with that salary you’re in spousal maintenance territory too
You really need a solicitor. You don’t have to fleece him but should understand what you’re due

Please read yetmorecrap's post ^.

You have to think long-term, about your dc's futures and your own old age, not just this short-term knee-jerk thinking, doing yourself out of a fair share because of guilt and fear.

I agree with pp, if he ever goes for 50/50 he wouldn’t have to pay you anything so try not to rely too heavily on maintenance. Even if you don’t think it’s a possibility now remember that things can turn nasty very quickly & he might do it just to spite you.

@thenortherner makes a very good point... what is spending his money on??

Tread carefully OP. I remember well wanting to be uber reasonable, but it will be to your detriment and he will not thank you for it. You could easily find yourself in a situation where you've done everything possible to split amicably but he still might not be amicable.

It sounds like with his pension, premium bonds, savings and whatever else, he could have as much as the house is worth, meaning you could keep the kids in the house and have a clean break. Speak to a lawyer and remember these are assets built up as a team - don't sell yourself short for your part in that. They're not his assets alone anymore than your DC are yours alone.

I would get familiar with benefits eligibility and stuff too...solicitors won't help with that...but it maybe more advantageous to have no mortgage as you wouldnt get housing benefit, but don't think it would affect other benefit eligibility, whereas sitting in rented (as someone has suggested), with a lump sum more than 16k in the bank would mean you would not be eligible for lots of benefits inspite of your low earnings as far as I understand it

Btw child maintenance i dont think is taken into account either for benefits...unless someone better informed knows different.

Most men are not reasonable on divorce sadly, because the structural inequality us women experience is just that -steuctural. Even you believe it, and you are a woman.
Don't be the saintly woman. It's a trope. Was he a saintly husband and father? Let me guess....