Will I manage on this?

[Gatheryourtarten]

I have 3 primary dc and I’m considering leaving dh, he has a very well paid job (£160k plus) and I have a much lower paying part time job that fits more or less with the children. Prior to having the children I had a career but I stopped working for a few years.
I earn approx £700 a month. It is term time only too.
I think - based on dh having them every other weekend and one night in the week - he’d have to pay around £1k?
I’d get UC too.

I think all in it would be about £2,600? Plus child benefit which I don’t currently receive.
I have no savings, not much pension. I would get a share of the house. Dh has a large pension and about £60k in savings, maybe more.
I want as little as possible from him because that will be the least inflammatory way of splitting. He won’t want to give me anything.
Ideally I’d like to either not have a mortgage or only a small one.
Is this manageable or will I need more work? It’s hard right now to find anything more and youngest dc is only 3.

But it legally is yours. And it is something you need to pursue

Please do the freedom programme - it isnt your fault you are leaving, in many ways it isnt your decision. He has chosen to act like this leaving you in the place you are

He might have done such a number on you that you believe your contribution to the marriage was worthless and you don't deserve anything, but the law disagrees - and surely you have to see your children deserve more?

I understand what the OP means about not seeing it as her money. When you have no access to it, when you don't have detailed knowledge of how much it is...then it's also easy for the other person to hide it.

I suspect it's well more than 60k in savings and it sounds like he's clever enough to hide it.

Even affording a solicitor is going to be difficult for you...because of access to it.

With him wfh...he could definitely go for 50/50...

You definitely need legal advice. All the best.

He might have done such a number on you that you believe your contribution to the marriage was worthless and you don't deserve anything

I agree with this and the OP is probably scared of him as well.

He’d struggle to look after them even when working from home. He’s not able to help out in anyway if they are ill and he never takes them or fetches them as too busy.

I think you need to take what your entitled to and stop thinking it all belongs to him. Clearly you need to see a good solicitor and look to achieve a 50/50 split of the assets and what ever else your advised to go for. He couldn't continue to amass his wealth if he was the one at home looking after the children.
I split with my ex 10 years ago, we had a beautiful property morgage free that was worth £330k then. I didn't have masses of savings and had put everything in to the house. We negotiated amicable settlement without solicitors basically a 50/50 split and I agreed to a generous package until our daughter finished education. The last thing I wanted was for my daughter to suffer having less as well as the emotional trauma of the break up. I don't resent anything even though I had earned every penny that bought everything. I couldn't have done so without her raising our children.
You both created your children and he must recognise that and ensure they don't have to suffer anymore than necessary.

@Gatheryourtarten you seem to have a very confused idea about how divorce works and how things are split . You need to see a solicitor so that they can explain to you exactly what you are entitled to as a married woman.

I just did a quick calculation. I don't know what he puts in his pension but on a salary of £160k he's bringing home £8k a month.

EIGHT GRAND A MONTH

How long do you think it would take him to build up a decent savings or pension pot living in a mortgage free house?? Five years max. Don't fool yourself into thinking this will break his heart. It won't.

Like a PP has said, you have one chance to secure your future. Do not squander it on being nice to a man who would not afford you the same courtesy.

Please see a solicitor and do the freedom programme and take it from there.

OP, why do you want to divorce? He earns over 11 times what you do each month. He has at least £160k in savings. His family give him £10 per year. He sees it all as his money. It’s not yours and it’s not your children’s. He would be willing to let you struggle and your children to struggle because he’s not going to give you any of “his” money. Thing is, it’s not his. There will be more than you know about. How many hours do you spend each day looking after children/doing house things? Sounds like he contributes nothing to family life other than money. Think you mentioned that your eldest doesn’t have a good relationship with him? He does not sound like the type of person who is going to do anything for other people. You are entitled to half the house, half the savings and half his pension. That’s not because you’re a gold-digging viper, that’s because it’s the law. PLEASE go and see a solicitor and don’t mention anything to him until you’ve taken advice and gathered as much financial information as possible. Don’t do it for you, do it for your children.

Yes I did notice your original post was all about coping/managing but you haven’t said ‘why’ you want to divorce. This is relevant as if he is a bullying arsehole etc then how you handle it is different from just someone you no longer like that much— is it possible to share the ‘why’

This is part of my reply to you from your previous and recent thread:-

Why do you feel so responsible for him; are you codependent in relationships?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You were a wide eyed naive 20 year old at the time you and he met along with having no real life experience behind her. That made you very attractive to someone like your now H.

Do not sacrifice yourself and your kids on his altar here and besides which his needs are NOT more important than yours. Be brave and make the break.

Do not allow this man to financially shaft you and your kids on a divorce settlement because of your innate fear of him (understandable really given how you are treated by him and you have been financially abused here too) and of wanting to be fair and amicable. He will neither be fair and or amicable to you going forward, he is not and never has been. He will not change.

I would also urge you to look at and complete the Freedom Programme.

Marriage is a financial contract. By marrying you he has agreed you share his assets. Regardless of whose name things are in. Stop thinking about this as for you. Think about this as for your children.

He will likely remarry as he is used to having a wife to do the care giving. They might have children. This will dilute both any maintenance payment and inheritance for your children. He could also decide by spite to give up his job. Set up a company and hiding his true income to pay less for your children.

So you need to take what you are legally entitled to now. That's half the equity in the house. Half of all savings (including premium bonds, investments), half the pension pot. You need to do this to secure your children's future and so you are no longer financially dependent on this man.

Get a good solicitor and take what you are entitled to for your children.

He’d struggle to look after them even when working from home. He’s not able to help out in anyway if they are ill and he never takes them or fetches them as too busy.

Then he might choose not to have the children very often

That's not your issue -

you need to see a solicitor and get what you are legally entitled to - for you and the children

Hi Op, Middlesexgirl & TheNortherner are correct on the benefits information as I am in the same position. Is he abusive? (you may not realise it right now) go & do the freedom program. It helped me lots.

Get good advice from a solicitor who you think understands your position. They prefer a full and final settlement - I would suggest this could be the house put into your name plus a monthly income to help with the costs until your youngest goes to secondary school by which time you have time to retrain/get skill back up/go full time at work etc. Uc will expect you to be increasing your income over time

Ps I stayed until youngest was an adult, not recommended but I couldn't face the upheaval

omg op

You. Are. Married. Half. Is. Yours.

I don't care if you feel it's yours or not, legally it IS yours. So take it and stop being a wet blanket. Don't sell your kids down the river just so you can hold some imaginary moral highground. If your man didn't want to share his money with anyone he didn't have to get married and have a family did he, nobody made him do it, but he's managed to have the family and the big career because you have facilitated it.

Why do you think taxpayers should fund your kids when THEIR ACTUAL FATHER is fucking rolling in it and could easily pay for their upkeep?

Fgs get a good lawyer and just do as they tell you

I just feel it’s his money and his pension.

Wow no words, 17 year marriage, young kids and your going let him walk away with the majority of the assets?

Your income has been severely impacted because you supported him to work.

You will regret this in the future when you are struggling and he is swarming off with a new girlfriend living the high life. Good luck.

Even if he couldn't cope looking after them WFH, he could still go for 50/50 to spite you and employee a nanny/childminder.

The cost of doing that wouldn't matter to him, as he can easily afford it and if he is so inclined and his motive is to deprive you of time with the children.

I know people are asking why the OP wants to divorce him...but given the following, I would have thought it's obvious.

His high earnings vs her income

She has no access to his earnings

that will be the least inflammatory way of splitting

The house is only in his name

He’s not done a single nappy change, night waking, bedtime, bathtime EVER.

They are just as much his children and he is entitled to 50/50. It just upsets me because he’s been barely involved really, up to this point.

I think you'll get more than 50/50 both in childcare and finance! I wouldn't be at all surprised if he kept all the cash, his car etc and you keep the house because I can't see him having 50/50 care of the kids.

Unless you have specific legal agreements about who owns what, then anything in a marriage should be presumed to be owned by both whether both names are on it or not.

Op, I totally get you wanting to take as small a settlement as possible & agree with other posters that he has really done a number on you for you to be thinking this way. No doubt rubbed your nose in the fact he has been the provider for years & at the same time, happy for you to raise his children alone, simultaneously pandering to his every need. All at the expense of YOU and YOUR future. Do yourself a favour and fast forward to 12 mths after settlement when the adrenaline has worn off & the reality of what you are considering settling for kicks in. It looks something like this. You are sitting in your little house (smaller than you need but hey beggars can’t be choosers) struggling to juggle the expenses involved with raising your children. You’re not afraid of hard work & would happily do more hours, but childcare is a problem. The ex is no help on that front, in fact his spare time is now spent with the new girlfriend who is afforded a life of luxury you never imagined possible. Picture the remainder of your children’s childhood “just getting by”. while their Father drops by to play hero once in a while by providing big ticket items with what should have been your money.

At the present time you are thinking “he can stick his money, I’ll be fine”. Life is short OP & time moves quickly. Before you know it, the children will be grown & you will be wondering how you can ever afford to retire. If you can’t muster the courage to take what is rightfully yours for yourself, do it for your children so they never have to worry about their Mum.

If you were to keep the house he still has £160k in savings (that you know of). That's half the cost of buying a similar house to what you currently live in and on his salary he can easily afford mortgage payments for the other half. And I imagine he has more in savings/investments than you know. Taking into account tax and pension payments he must take home about £6k a month. No mortgage so after bills what happens to the rest? You definitely need to stop feeling guilty and feeling you are taking something that isn't yours. You would be doing that taking UC when you are entitled to a good financial settlement.

I have no experience of divorce or advice to offer you, but PLEASE take what is rightfully yours in the eyes of the law. As others have said he will move on and continue to earn £160k and his life will be unchanged. You need to think of your children's future