Social media stalking?

[alm23x]

Hi, it's my first post here so be kind!! Lol. Also still learning all the abbreviations so go easy on me with your replies 😂

Basically I'm just wondering how much interest your partners / SO's take in your social media posts - whether this be what you share, pictures, statuses, just in general?
For example - how many likes you get, how often you post, who likes your things, who follows you etc.

I don't have a lot of advice for you OP but I'm so pleased you're starting to get the validation you need.

My own mother was mentally abusing me for years and i didn't realise until I was in my early 30's at which point she discarded me and I had nothing and the whole family (in fear of her) also cut me out. I started my life again and I am so happy now and learning to trust my own thoughts and feelings

I recommend looking up narcissistic men as a lot of the traits you've mentioned seem very inline in what a narcissist does

www.healthline.com/health/narcissistic-victim-syndrome#isolation

OP, trockodile and Eckhart have given you some really good, practical solid advice; it sounds that if you contact the right people in the military they can get you on the path out of your frankly terrible situation. You're making it clear you know it isn't good for you; you actually sound really clear-eyed and thoughtful about it all. It just sounds like the practicalities of leaving are daunting, but from what trockodile says it seems that they aren't impossible. This is important for you, and for your children.

As for your mum, I get your urge to want to protect her, but fully subscribe to what Baileysandcream said: she might be upset by you leaving, but she'd probably be more upset at knowing how untenable your situation is. Also, if he's frequently an arse to you around your loved ones, she may well understand, even while being upset. Point is, though, as much as you want to protect her, her feelings are not in fact your problem or your responsibility; your first responsibility is to you and the kids. She might be upset but surely she can't be devastated forever. Wishing you all the best, and keep coming back as there's a wealth of advice here.

@Skyla2005

Other people don’t want to see pics of other people’s kids anyway. It’s really childish

Many do. Have you read the thread at all, or did you just think it was a nice idea to drop by with a critical generalisation that has no relevance?

@Skyla2005 perhaps read the full thread. Things have moved on quite a bit and your comment is crass and uncalled for.

Sorry, hectic day at work! Thank you so much for everyone's replies and advice, I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it...and how much I've needed to hear alot of it. I don't think I'm gonna get out of my situation very quickly, he's never gonna let me just up and leave without a fight..so I'm going to start planning and saving, doing my research about entitlement etc etc and also start working on myself behind the scenes so that when I do leave, I feel strong in my decision.
He's been away three days now and I have felt zero anxiety since he left, the whole house seems calmer, I haven't been shouty mum..just feel happier! No egg shells to walk on, nobody to answer to..

I’m glad you feel calm. Perhaps speak to a solicitor about entitlement?

No egg shells to walk on, nobody to answer to

Yes, just look what a calm and peaceful person you really are, when you're not being bent and twisted out of shape constantly. And all the things he says are wrong with you are, all of a sudden, not wrong with you any more.

Have you considered contacting Women's Aid? Or had a look at their website? They know a lot about extricating yourself and the processes involved. Even extricating yourself emotionally when you can't physically.

Glad you're feeling better.

Honeyroar, I meant in terms of what I'd be entitled to money wise / benefit help as il have to leave my job. I work in health care though so I should walk into a new one fairly easily if and when I moved but will need to know what I can claim until then. We don't own a house (live in military housing) and don't have a great deal of things we would have to split, or much in savings...Id leave with most of the 'stuff' in the house so I'd be happy to leave him with any money that's in the joint savings...He wants to buy a house in the next couple years which fills me with dread, I know I need to get out before that's another thing tying us together! X

Eckhart, haven't contacted anyone no, still don't feel ready for that yet..i know the day will come though..I have been doing alot of reading on various websites and forums and it's opened my eyes alot. There are lots of things that I knew were obviously wrong -him being controlling, the jealousy, constant arguing..but there's alot that I didn't even realise wasn't "normal" behaviours or things that I've just allowed for so long it feels normal. The next few months are going to be horrible because I know I'm going to have to pretend that things are ok, and I'm going to have to "take" all of his shitty behaviour..but I'm confident that it will be worth it in the long run, in six months time things might be so much better for me and that fills me with some hope.

Op, I have been you until quite recently.

On the edge or tears filled with stress as to what he’ll complain about next. You could be me with what you are writing. All of these things happened to me too.

You say he won’t just let you go so you have to wait. He can’t stop you. You have had good advice about removing him from the family home, this could be in place by the time he returns. You could go to your local council today to ask for a place, being prioritised due to domestic abuse which is very clearly what this is. Also contact Women’s aid for help. Your mums place may not be ideal but it’s better than being trapped with someone who lies and twists your emotions as he sees fit.

I am free now and that exactly how I’d describe it, free. I can go on social media, don’t have to tell someone what I’m doing every minute of the day, don’t have to justify my friends or seeing a friend or be made to feel guilty for doing so because ‘I make time for everyone except him’. I hate him now but was blinded for so long!

Please leave, you don’t have to wait. Him being away is the perfect opportunity to be gone when he returns.

Please please get help and don’t wait any longer

Cakequeen, thank you so much for your reply and I'm sorry you've been through this too! How did you get to a point where you left? And how did he react? I'm so happy for you that youre feeling free. I know it probably sounds like I'm making up 1001 excuses as to why I can't walk right now...but it just doesn't feel doable, I know that if I left now...he would be able to talk me back. I can't explain it, I suppose it's all a part of the hold he's got over me?

Hey @alm23x I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this, but its so lovely to see how people are supporting you.

If you are interested in reading more about this, there's a free book available here as a PDF which another poster mentioned up thread, it's called Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
...

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

The author worked with a large number of controlling/abusive men over the years and really knows his stuff. I honestly think that you might find it helpful, if you have time.

Weirdly he's just text me and asked how I'm feeling about us recently?! So I said that I think things have been bad and have declined again (after my outburst and leaving in July, we had a 2month period where he was on best behaviour) and that I've not been happy..he text back saying he feels the same, he has noticed he's slipped back into old ways, that he's feeling good that he noticed though....but then sent another one saying "also if you noticed that things were getting bad before I did, why didn't you say outright because then I don't know things are bad again so it's also on you to call it out" errrrrrm, every time you speak to me like shit I ask you not to talk to me like that. I call him out all the time!
Surely if he was abusing me though he wouldn't be apologising and admitting fault like this??

Myownsummer - thank you! People have been so lovely, I wasn't expecting so many replies or for it to even get this deep! But this thread has helped me so much. I'm definitely going to spend my day off on Thursday doing more reading, thank you for your recommendation! Xxx

I'm not sure if it's normal but in 10 years my husband has never liked or even looked at anything I post on Facebook. He has it but doesn't log in often and doesn't check my page out when he does. I just asked him why and he says he lives with me and knows what's going on in my life without looking at bloody FB to find out.

Trixie - Lol, he speaks sense!

@alm23x

Weirdly he's just text me and asked how I'm feeling about us recently?! So I said that I think things have been bad and have declined again (after my outburst and leaving in July, we had a 2month period where he was on best behaviour) and that I've not been happy..he text back saying he feels the same, he has noticed he's slipped back into old ways, that he's feeling good that he noticed though....but then sent another one saying "also if you noticed that things were getting bad before I did, why didn't you say outright because then I don't know things are bad again so it's also on you to call it out" errrrrrm, every time you speak to me like shit I ask you not to talk to me like that. I call him out all the time! Surely if he was abusing me though he wouldn't be apologising and admitting fault like this??

I'm afraid abusers always apologise afterwards to reel you back in. He's just doing it to manipulate you.

My DH has never asked who any men are that likes my posts or pics. I've never had the Spanish inquisition like you.....it must be exhausting.

He's clearly insecure and controlling...which is not an attractive trait whatsoever.

A lot of people are not totally honest on counselling and at the end of the day...even when a Counsellor tries to give them a different perspective...if they don't want to acknowledge, you can't make them see their own behaviour.

Skyla2005

Why don’t you come off social media ? Other people don’t want to see pics of other people’s kids anyway ! It’s really childish

What a silly post.

What's childish about it?
I like seeing pics of my friends and their kids/family. I see how much they've grown...what their doing...and I share pics of me and my family.

he has noticed he's slipped back into old ways, that he's feeling good that he noticed though....but then sent another one saying "also if you noticed that things were getting bad before I did, why didn't you say outright because then I don't know things are bad again so it's also on you to call it out

So he's praising himself for noticing that he's been treating you badly, and throwing in a bit of blaming you. What a saint. By admitting that he's 'slipping back', he is admitting that his default position, the position that requires no effort for him, is the position where he abuses you.

Surely if he was abusing me though he wouldn't be apologising and admitting fault like this

Have another look at the abuse cycle. It's got the 'apology' bit on it. You are firmly and undoubtedly on the abuse cycle with him. He'll apologise to make you stay, so that he can abuse you again. Like I said before, he's textbook. And in the nicest possible way, so are you. The two of you have an absolutely standard abusive relationship. You've said nothing on the whole thread that would surprise anyone who is familiar with how abusive relationships work, and how they perpetuate.

The apologising even has a name. It's called 'hoovering'. And that's what he did when you tried to leave before. He hoovered you back in.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/hoover-maneuver-the-dirty-secret-of-emotional-abuse-0219154

Are you still trying to find ways to not perceive him as abusive? Have you still got a bit of that 'He's not that bad, really', at the back of your mind?

If I punched you in the face, and then said 'Sorry, I realise I did it, and I'm so pleased with myself for noticing. There's something wrong with you, though, you weirdo... Why didn't you tell me it hurt at the time?!' Would it mean I hadn't punched you?

Eckhart, will reply to your message when the kids are in bed as it's that hectic time of evening now and don't want to rush a reply!

I'm so annoyed, kids have just been on Facebook video call to his mum for 25 minutes...so my FB status was obviously showing as online...I come off the phone to a message asking why I haven't replied (he text me 20 mins ago) but I'm online on Facebook! I've never even thought to check if someone's online on Facebook if they've not replied to me in twenty mins!!? I just feel so "checked up" on? If that makes sense

Now it's the "I get th feeling you can't be bothered to talk to me" I replied saying "I've told you exactly what we've done since they finished school, and now it's that super busy time of the night and I don't really have much time to be texting ATM, surely you know this is the busiest part of the evening for me?" And I just get "so you can't be arsed to text me then, that's what I said, chat when you've got time"

How do you not get fucking angry with him? He can't stay stuff like that to you. You are your own person. Whether you are busy your not, you don't need to chat with him just because he wants to.
Anyway, look, everyone going on doesn't help you. You have had your eyes opened to just how bad this is. You need to take your time to formulate how you are going to end this, but end it you really must. For you and for the future well being of your children.

Agree with him. 'Yes, I can't be arsed to text you for the rest of the evening.'

And then stick to it.