Social media stalking?

[alm23x]

Hi, it's my first post here so be kind!! Lol. Also still learning all the abbreviations so go easy on me with your replies 😂

Basically I'm just wondering how much interest your partners / SO's take in your social media posts - whether this be what you share, pictures, statuses, just in general?
For example - how many likes you get, how often you post, who likes your things, who follows you etc.

@alm23x

He definitely is insecure and controlling, I'm not sure why. He had a few counselling sessions recently (his way of getting me to stay - really long story) but I am sure he wasn't fully open to the woman and left alot of important information out...doesn't seem to have taken much from the sessions at all really but when I ask him about it he just says "you've never had counselling before so how do you know"

Is he still going? I bet the reason he's keeping quiet is either because he lies or because he doesn't like what she's telling him.

None of this is normal,acceptable or healthy. It's very controlling and a massive red flag. Given that there are already some big issues going on in your marriage... you need to do some serious thinking.

I've been where you are, alm, and been through counselling, and listen to my inner voice/gut instincts, now. Life is infinitely better. You can do it too.

Hold on to yourself.

My ex did exactly this, but he was emotionally abusive.
He was also the kind of guy who would ask me to take a picture of the clock in my office if I was doing overtime. He was a delight and I'm glad he cheated on me!

Glad you realise how controlling it is. Does he stop you having hobbies and meeting friends.

There's history of emotional abuse I think..I think I'm still in denial about using such a strong term for it. I didn't realise how bad things were until we went through a tough patch back in July and I confided in a friend for th first time...once I got some of it out, it was like verbal diahorea and I just couldn't stop telling her...then a few days later I broke down at work which resulted in me confiding in my manager...who cried when I told her some of the stuff I've been living with and she regularly checks in with me since. With my friend & my manager rooting for me, I told him I was leaving...he admitted all fault (I was NOT expecting that)..promised to get help etc...begged me to stay. He's since had a few sessions with a lady on the phone but I'm not convinced he really spoke to her about things that I wanted him to...she's told him he no longer needs weekly sessions as such progress is being made??! He's definitely choosing what he wants to tell her as long as it appears to me like he's getting help - does that make sense? I think after getting everything off my chest back in July, I'm struggling now to pretend this is what I want from life. Things seemed much easier to live with when I wasn't talking about it! He went away for two weeks with work today, the relief I felt when he left earlier was enormous.. and not normal!

Bananalanacake - no hobbies as I just don't have time! Work, kids, work kids - my life. I do have friends, but theres been lots of issues in the past with him not liking them...lots of arguments about going out with them and every so often we go through a stage where he uses the phrase "you always put your friends first" which is just crazy because my whole life revolves around him and the kids! I just try and see my friends when he's at work now...easier.

Takes absolutely zero interest whatsoever , and I don't with his ... which he rarely uses .

Very odd when people take too much interest

This sounds bad from him sorry .

Steval...I agree...I take no notice what he posts or who likes it..i like it if it pops up in my news feed but other than that, no interest.

LeslieYep - I'm sorry you went through that. Mine has done similar...facetimed me when I've taken the dog for a walk to prove I was alone..

Eckhart, glad you're on the other side and happier! Thank you for your kind words :)

He takes no interest in my social media at all! Occasionally likes my photos if he's been online.

domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

Apologising and 'getting help' are part of the abuse cycle.

I hope he's not being violent, but if nothing else, this is definitely emotional abuse. Your continued denial is absolutely crucial for him to be able to carry on his manipulation of your silenced emotions.

There's no wonder you couldn't stop talking when you first opened up; you must have felt like a freshly opened, shaken can of pop. Keep talking to those who support you; keep talking on MN.

No he's never laid a finger on me...he's got angry and in my face in the past, to the point I thought he might..but never has. I'm not the kind of person who likes fuss so I tell my manager everything is "ok" at the minute, but it's good to know I could go to her any time I needed to. The friend I told, however, sees straight through that and so she does know how unhappy I am still..but there's only so often I can talk to her about it without our friendship being drained by it..now I find myself here!

My ex did this. Funnily enough it turned out he had been messaging countless women via social media throughout our whole 5 year relationship.

Paranoid people are usually paranoid because they have something to hide.

He told me that he told our mutual couple friends that we were going through a bad patch and apparently they said they see it from both sides & they've noticed I do things that provoke/don't help situations....he said he didn't ask them for specific examples of what I do....and said it's best I don't ask the friends as it will just make things awkward....it's played on my mind ever since he said it...I mean, if I'm doing things that aren't helping - I want to know! Would you ask her and risk making things awkward / putting her on the spot? Part of me thinks he made it up?

Jpark - it has crossed my mind. He's on his phone alot, and I never question him so if he wanted to he could 100% get away with it...I'm just not a very paranoid person so I suppose I just trust that he hasn't...would make it easier for me to leave lol!

and said it's best I don't ask the friends as it will just make things awkward

Another classic abuse tactic. Isolate your victim.

I'm sorry, alm. This thread can't be easy for you, even though it is validating.

@alm23x

He told me that he told our mutual couple friends that we were going through a bad patch and apparently they said they see it from both sides & they've noticed I do things that provoke/don't help situations....he said he didn't ask them for specific examples of what I do....and said it's best I don't ask the friends as it will just make things awkward....it's played on my mind ever since he said it...I mean, if I'm doing things that aren't helping - I want to know! Would you ask her and risk making things awkward / putting her on the spot? Part of me thinks he made it up?

Because he didn't ask. It's bullshit. And another classic tactic used by abusers/controlling men everywhere.

"My friends think..."
"My friend's wives all do/don't do x"
"X thinks you're unreasonable "
"My family told me..."
99% of the time no one actually knows. The other 1% they offer a very sanitised , "she's so awful" version of events to validate themselves and their abuse .

Basically, my husband seems to check exactly who's liked every photo that I post (for reference, its mostly of the kids or me & the kids, once every few months it might be a pic of me and my friends if we've been out..I know all my social media friends/followers...whether that be from years ago or recently). He questions me as to why certain men have liked stuff....for example I posted a picture of me and my friends and I had to explain who each man was that had liked the picture

That certainly isn't the norm here!
I'm friends with quite a lot of people DH doesn't know (eg old school/college friends) quite a few of them male and if they ever like a pic or comment he never asks who they are!

Ive had to delete two men recently because he asks me constantly why they like my posts and that must mean I'm talking to them. One I worked with 10 years ago and the other was an old friend from about 12yrs ago so I wasn't bothered about deleting them, but surely I shouldn't have to?

No, you shouldn't
Why does he get to tell you who you can and can't be friends with/have on your social media?
Fk that.

Op he’s made up what your friends said, or at least taken it out of context, which is why he doesn’t want you to ask them.

Don’t worry about it. Just go.

He sounds worryingly controlling. You sound like you are well aware that he’s not normal and it’s not a healthy situation. You sound like you’ve nearly left before and he’s half heartedly had counselling to make you stay. Sounds like enough is enough?

Also, the scenario of him giving your friends' negative opinion of you is on the abuse wheel. The bit about turning blame around onto the victim.

None of this is your fault.

I'm so tempted to just message my friend and ask...but then I risk her or her husband asking mine why he's said it...then he knows I'm withdrawing and figuring my shit out