Social media stalking?

[alm23x]

Hi, it's my first post here so be kind!! Lol. Also still learning all the abbreviations so go easy on me with your replies 😂

Basically I'm just wondering how much interest your partners / SO's take in your social media posts - whether this be what you share, pictures, statuses, just in general?
For example - how many likes you get, how often you post, who likes your things, who follows you etc.

@alm23x I wasnt a paranoid person either. That's how he managed to get away with it for so long! It was mentally draining being under suspicion all of the time when I had done absolutely nothing to warrant it! It's a terrible way to live, I really feel for you.

He told me that he told our mutual couple friends that we were going through a bad patch and apparently they said they see it from both sides & they've noticed I do things that provoke/don't help situations...and said it's best I don't ask the friends as it will just make things awkward...

That sounds a load of bullshit to me, sorry!
Sounds like shit stirring and trying to turn your friends against you.
I knew someone like this before (not a boyfriend) but a complete twat who made up stuff that apparently my friend had said, said stuff to each of us separately - only thing is we talk, fuckwit and turned out it was all a load of rubbish lol
I'd be concerned why he's shit stirring between you and your friends, like he's trying to alienate you from them.

Honeyroar...you're spot on. I don't even know why I'm on here, in my head I know this is not normal...but when someone turns everything around on you, I question ecery day what's normal and what's not. We got together age 17...I've had nothing to compare this to for the past ten years x

Jpark..how did you eventually find out then? You're right it is draining...he treats me like a full blown cheat! He's ruined family trips before because I've looked in th direction of a guy that he's said I'm checking out?! It all sounds so pathetic writing It out!

Quaagars...I was shocked that he did it with these friends as these are mutual friends that we both love dearly! He's tried to alienate me from my own friends plenty of times...but never mutual!

Eckhart, I know it's not my fault - I just feel so stupid...and yet so trapped at the same time

I found it useful to examine the feelings I had, like feeling stupid, feeling like there was something wrong with me etc, and working out whether I felt those things in any other arena in my life. It turned out that I didn't feel any of them with anybody else than with the person who was abusing me, who could make me feel like the shit on someone's shoe, at the drop of a hat.

It pointed out to me where the toxicity was in my life, and it was only in one place: wherever the abuser was. In every other situation, and with all other people, I was fine.

@alm23x I've just read all of your posts again and I could have written them myself a year ago, we're the same age too.
He came home one friday night and announced he was going for a few drinks with friends at a local hobby type club. No problems. Off he went.
A few hours later it occurred to me out of the blue that you have to be a member to go there. Did a quick google just to confirm and i was right. That got my senses tingling a bit. I text him asking how his night was going. He replied still claiming to be at said club. I thought I was going a bit mad at this point, thought I was jumping the gun. He then text me at about 11pm saying he was on the way home. 2am came and he still hadn't arrived. Phone off. I was very suspicious at this point. Never had been before! He rolled in at 3am totally pissed! Really out of character. Couldn't stand. He fell asleep and I decided to check his phone. He'd been at a pub with a woman! Read the messages between them. I messaged this woman just to confirm and she told me they had been chatting for 2 years and that night was the first time they'd met up. I'd been pregnant and given birth to our child during this time.
Bastard!
All of the controlling and accusatory behaviour towards me all finally made sense, at least. Kicked his arse out and never looked back!
My life has been nothing but bliss since.
I hope you find the strength to leave this man, it's not normal.

Eckhart...everything you say seems to just, make sense? I remember when I left him in summer one of the things I said to him was that I don't argue or have issues with anyone else in my life other than him..Nobody else seems to view me in the light he does, nobody else makes me feel as shit as he does, nobody else gives me that horrible knot in my stomach...I can't remember the last argument I had with someone outside of this house. Crazy what I'm allowing but it's really not as simple as waltzing out the front door and never seeing him again!

Jpark....oh my god! And had you not of had the inkling about the membership, he would've 100% got away with that! I bet you're so glad you got out of it!! When me and mine had a weeks break last year (another time I tried to leave and caved in to his promises of change) he was messaging another woman. I only found out about six months after, because my friends husband told me when he was drunk... obviously me and my friends husband then got accused of cheating! Lol it's funny when I think about it. He swears he was just messaging this girl about his feelings and how much he wanted me back, and it was all on a friendship basis..I wonder now if there was more to that but I guess il never know!

You’re on here for moral support and a bit of confirmation that you’re not crazy. Like you say, you were so young when you got together and it’s almost felt normal. But you’re older, wiser and stronger. You’ve nearly left before. Get yourself organised. Put yourself first. Get yourself a proper life. No it won’t be easy to leave, but you sound strong and like you can do it.

You're being manipulated. No decent person would understand his mindset unless they'd had prior knowledge of abuse. The reason it's worked on you isn't because you're stupid. It's because you're nice, and don't suspect that someone would treat you so poorly, because you'd never in a million years consider treating someone that way yourself.

It's an education to find that people do this stuff to others on the regular. It's a very hard lesson to be in a relationship with it. Recognising that he is the toxin, and accepting that you're not stupid, but nice, are massive steps.

@alm23x I knew from reading your posts about how paranoid about your social media he is that he would have been messaging a woman. Its classic.
Hes paranoid purely based on his own behaviour, not yours.
My ex used to tell me he was paranoid because all of his exes have cheated on him. I dont believe that for one second now. I'm wary of any man that says that usually but he did a real number on me, the same way your husband is doing a real number on you.
You deserve so much better than this, you know you do.

I can't believe I've not even had to bullet point all the crazy things that I've had to put up with the last ten years for you to see how bad things are and yet when I'm telling him how unhappy he makes me - he makes me feel like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I need to use these two weeks while he's away to sort my head out...

Jpark..I've never even correlated him messaging that girl, and him being paranoid but maybe that is why and maybe there's more to it..il have to pay closer attention! Thank you for your advice and sharing your story with me...glad you're on the other side and happy now..deffo his loss xxx

He's a bit of a textbook case, alm!

I think I need to do some reading up!

Have a read about narcissistic abuse, see if he ticks any boxes. I've got a suspicion he might.

Fucking hell

Block your husband would be a start - he sounds like a jealous child !

So weird

Eckhart - he ticks most of the boxes to be honest. Some of the examples, I could've written. I need to start working on getting myself strong enough to do what's right

I'm going to bed now, although don't even know if I'm going to be able to sleep as my mind's racing....I had no intention of coming on here to open up the way I have..just want to say thank you to everyone who's replied and listened... I'm going to bed tonight feeling a little less crazy x

I agree with all PP, he is a text book abuser.

Read Lundy bankcrofts book (I can’t remember the title) as I’m sure this will open your eyes.

You need to call WA and start to get your ducks in a row and leave him.

What else has he done?

Mumsnet showing how it can be at its best. Well done previous posters and good luck OP!

• Hates me going on evenings out with friends
• we spend every evening together because he makes me feel bad if I want an evening upstairs watching my own stuff or something
• says things like "you put your friends first / you care mor about your friends than me" (for reference - I go "out" about three times a year..it's usually just film nights at a friend's or takeaway night, but he hates this and it has to be preplanned..) I've had a friend round of an evening for a cuppa and he will sit with us the whole time?
• he seems to hate me doing things for other people...through lockdown I sent lots of little gifts to friends..inexpensive but thoughtful and he HATED it???
• often makes cheating remarks...who am I wearing that makeup for, why I'm wearing so much or why am I so dressed up (usually if I'm going out with a friend) who am I texting, who am I gonna have round when he's away, checks my social media, regularly asks if I've been messaging people - but he asks me in such a way that makes me feel guilty as if he's caught me out, when in reality I know I haven't done anything! If I get defensive then he questions why I'm being so defensive and it's not normal, if I laugh off his remarks then I'm acting strange and why am I not denying it. -Asked me why I shaved my legs this weekend and said it's weird that I've done that just before he's gone away (sounds so pathetic writing this!).
• If I'm out with friends he expects to be messaging and talking to me throughout and starts an argument if I don't reply for a while....I went in my friends hot tub and have to tell him exactly who was there, what I wore (because I didn't take a bathing suit).
• he's just a very grumpy man? When we first got together age 17 he was a grump then, but it's definitely got worse over the years...I've asked if he's bipolar as he has very high highs and very low lows...but he said that's ridiculous. I walk on egg shells and do things that I know will prevent an argument...
• he's openly shitty with me in public around people he's comfortable with (our friends and family)
• he's ruined every family holiday we've ever been on and numerous family days out..including holidays we've been on with friends.
• he speaks to the kids like shit 50% of the time and the house seems very shouty and loud when he's around...he doesn't know how to discipline without raising his voice.
• sex is a very regular argument because I have a low sex drive and he wants more...it comes up every couple of days because he's not getting enough, it's been _ days, he has needs, why don't I just "help him out" if I don't want full sex, it's my own fault I'm not in the mood I just need to try harder....he can be a dick to me all day, then expect me to want him?? I've told him that for me sex is emotionally linked - when we've had good patches over the years, sex has followed. Then I read on here some marriages go months without sex and he makes me feel like an alien because we've gone 10 days or something! Says I must not love him or find him attractive, that it's because he's gained a bit of weight or because I must be getting it elsewhere...

There is so much more if I went into specific examples.He acts on a day to day basis like he's not happy and argues with me about everything...yet as soon as i try and leave...it's as if the sun shines out of my arse and he can't imagine life without me...I genuinely think he could live like this forever?!

So sorry this is long and well done to anyone who got this far, just needed to get it out!!

@alm23x

He is abusing you (and in effect your DC also) and what he is doing is against the law (coercive control). He’s isolating you, monitors you and makes you question your own mind.

Use this time that he is away and phone WA, tell your GP, read everything you can. You need to leave, because any promises he makes are false. It wouldn’t surprise me, if he hadn’t sort any kind of therapy and just lied.