Social media stalking?

[alm23x]

Hi, it's my first post here so be kind!! Lol. Also still learning all the abbreviations so go easy on me with your replies 😂

Basically I'm just wondering how much interest your partners / SO's take in your social media posts - whether this be what you share, pictures, statuses, just in general?
For example - how many likes you get, how often you post, who likes your things, who follows you etc.

Please do report these threats to the support worker - they will know what to do. They have a protocol in place to deal with this.

Whatever clever plan he has to continue his control over you - some cleverer abuser thought of it first. And Refuges have seen it all before.

It’s part of the script to pretend he’s worried about you or to pretend you are mentally ill. He might even file a malicious missing persons report. It’s just another sign of his controlling behaviour I’m afraid.

SSAFA will know how to deal with the military police threat. You could call your contact there any let them know that you and the children and well but not disclose your new address.

Your support worker will advise.

I'm gonna talk to the support workers tomorrow about it all and my options. All the horrible anxiety feelings have come back since my mum started feeding me information about what's going on back there. Apparently the police might be going to ask my mum some questions?! I know that's because 'he' will have called and made it sound like I've ran off randomly and taken his kids. She can only tell them what she knows so I'm not worried. Think I'm just gonna turn my phone off today, tbh, and just play with the kids til I can access some support tomorrow. Catch you on the other side and thanks as always x

Jesus, your mum! If it’s all too much for her, she’s capable of blocking him and his mother too! I’m sorry she has been so unsupportive.

Yes just have a great day and unwind. You haven’t just run off with the kids, you’ve stepped away from all the hassle (constant texts from him and pressure from your mum) and got yourself proper help and guidance from a recognised refuge. You’ve not done anything wrong, quite the opposite.

PS I highly doubt your ex has called the police. In fact I would bet good money on it.

What would he say ‘I was an abusive arsehole so my wife has taken our kids to a safe place?!?’ Again, he is trying to scare and manipulate you.

I definitely think it’s worth telling your mum to let the other side know you’re in a refuge for abused families, so you can get all the support and legal advice that you need. This may make them realise you’re very serious and also emphasise that you’re all safe! The police threat is very likely just to scare/unsettle you, but even if it were true, they would be on your side as you’re a victim of DA and in a refuge.

Other than telling your mum to let them know about the refuge, I’d definitely go No Contact with her, for all of the reasons people have stated above. You need time to relax, heal and focus on your children without worrying about what’s going on. Also it feels like you definitely can’t trust his side of the family, no matter how nice they are or have been, so tread carefully with them and be mindful about telling them anything because really at the end of it all, they will ALWAYS be on his side!

You’re doing so well, just keep reminding yourself this is the first step to a happy and fulfilled life without worry and most of all FREEDOM!

OP. You need to stop contact with your mum for now, chances are your ex is feeding her lines just like he did with you and she is just passing on his lies. You need to keep focusing on the the many supportive people around you and concentrate on building that new life.

I am sure that the refuge will get dress up for Christmas and they and you will still get some enjoyment from the time there. For starters, you are not going to have to walk on eggshells and dance to ex’s turne.

Good plan to turn off your mum. I know she loves you and the kids but she’s become a flying monkey for your husband to control you from a distance.

He is using the police to threaten her and make you anxious. He wants to make sure that you are still completely focussed on him and what he might do if you don’t stop this disobedience. You are not allowed any peace to think of yourself and the kids.

This isn’t the behaviour of a broken man who loves you, realises he is wrong and will get counselling / therapy to work on his issues. This is the behaviour of a man who is MAD AS HELL.

You know that and that’s why you are scared. That’s normal after years of his brain washing. I bet your stomach is churning and your feel anxious and can’t concentrate on anything.

However, even if he does make a police report, you can attend a police station with your ID and tell them you and safe and well and in a refuge. You don’t have to tell the police your new address .The police will be delighted to close down the enquiry - they have plenty genuinely missing people to keep them busy.

I’m sorry love, but your mum is NOT a friend in all this.

She’s potentially very dangerous to you.

She knows you’re safe and has the information to tell them this

If they harass her, she has the ability to block them or call the police.

I thought you said you’d spoken to your ex mil? So she knew what was what and understood

In which case some one is lying... and it’s more likely closer to home.

You have to go NC with her.

Remember when the refuge said the conditions were that you went NC when you left? Anyone who is in anyway sympathetic to your ex needs to be NC too.

Your mum is showing you very clearly who she is.

You need to cut everything and everyone off, focus on you, the kids and getting settled ASAP.

Yes stop contact with your DM. Just block and unblock her as and when you need too. She knows you are safe and like PP have said, she’s quite capable of contacting the police etc.

Your priority at the moment are the Dc and yourself. Get as much support as you can and l am sure as you are new, that they must have a weekend contact number for you to call. If so, do it.

Absolutely stop contact now and show your support worker these texts as you planned. I agree that your DM has a vested interest in keeping things as they were. It’s too painful for her to see what you have resorted to doing as she can’t pretend that her situation is normal of happy now

The only reason the police may be remotely interested or involved is if your ex/ his mum have contacted them to say you've 'disappeared' and they're worried about you or the dcs.

Don't worry. As soon as the police know you're in a refuge they will tell your ex absolutely nothing except that you and the dc are safe and they will be taking no further action. They strictly strictly aren't allowed to give any information about your whereabouts and will advise your ex to stop trying to contact you.

Now switch us all off including your dm and go for a walk with the dc to get to know your neighbourhood. Is there a park or nice local walk you can explore?

@Fefifofaff

Use his contacts in the police to track you down and drag you home more likely. 😡

I assume the refuge people know he is in the police? It might be worth asking them about a restraining order so you have an extra level of protection, esp if you do ever need to call the police for protection. A legal document might help if you run into any of the police old boys solidarity issues. (No disrespect intended to those who serve honorably but it is a thing 😔).

Stay strong, you've got this.

No, he's in the RAF. You know total AIR force, where they deal with sky, and there's clouds and wind and stuff. @alm23x I've spent all day reading this thread. As one military wife to another all I can say is well done. Leaving the security of the military family behind you is what you needed to do to escape his abuse. That must have been so so hard to do but the SSAFA or similar will be able to help. Would it be worth linking support services together, ask your refuge support worker to liaise with the RAF family support service? I don't think the RAF will abandon you. Sadly DV is common in forces families and his superiors will need to be made aware as it may compromise his operational capability x

You're doing great OP. As other posters have said, you need to report your mum's last message to refuge staff as soon as you can.

He's playing the 'crazy wife has had a breakdown and kidnapped my dear children' card. Standard controlling behaviour, exactly the same as he's shown throughout this thread, to make you seem like the unstable, unreasonable one and him seem like the caring, sensitive father.

The professionals have seen all of the before, and they can help. Your mother is not and will not. Limit contact OP, at least until you're receiving some professional, in-person support. You need someone in your corner. And her texts aren't going to cheer you up, put it that way xxx

My mum wasn't very supportive when I left dh1. Friends were.

Your mum isn't helping. I'm glad you're on here where people are talking sense.

Hes trying to unsettle you from afar. Dont let him. Send one last text to your mum and tell her again that you and dc are safe and you are going to be going nc for a while and not to worry. Dont take any notice of his threats as soon as the police find out your safe and in a refuge that will be dropped. Stay strong,you've got this.

You are very strong

Don't fall for his manipulation

Stay strong

Happiness forever is yours
I made it through this hell x

Hey :) thanks for all your messages. It's been a really long day, my mind literally won't stop even for a second. I just can't switch off. Had a busy day with the children to try and forget about it..then went for a walk with one of the other women to the local shop. Was nice to get out! Kids have played non stop all day, I'm so proud of how they've adapted and made friends with the other children. I think one of the women noticed I was a bit down/away with the fairies today cos she offered to do my kids some tea while she was doing hers...really appreciated that. X

Definitely going limited contact with my mum now. Thanks for all your advice and support. X

@alm23x that's lovely to hear. Amazing how a stranger can be more supportive than your own family

Poor you, I’m sorry it was a long day but it does sound like you’ve coped really well with it and it’s lovely that the kids have been having so much fun and playing so beautifully, you must be so proud! You’re feeling the immediate stress of his manipulation today, by tomorrow it’ll already be a few degrees separated from you and feel less powerful. The number of times I’ve been wrestling with something all day and it feels like the biggest thing in the world and then by the morning I already feel quite a bit calmer.

Do you have the opportunity to have a warm bath before bed? Or maybe you could borrow something to read so you can keep yourself distracted until you drop off.

Tomorrow will be easier as everything will be open again and you can be busy sorting stuff and speaking with the support workers about the weekend events and that will also bring you some relief.

You’re doing so well. One day at a time, you’ve got this xxx

One step closer to your new home and life xxx

I'm going to start a new thread in "the secret place", possibly under a new username tomorrow. Anyone that isn't sure what that means is free to pm me. Just wanting to make sure nobody I know in RL can find any of my updates x

@furble thank you :) no bath here which I'm gutted about! But I had a nice hot shower and a quiet cuppa once the kids had gone to bed. Xx