Do you run out of things to talk about with your partner?

[Ruby0707]

We've been together a year but it was still quite new when lockdown happened, we moved in together.

I've always felt conversation doesn't flow naturally but now with the second lockdown, it's becoming more obvious.

He is furloughed and I am working from home so there isn't much going on. Could it be that or is it a sign that we're just not compatible?

It's a sign that you're not compatible.

Feeling awkward or uncomfortable with a partner is not a sound basis for a LTR.

Together 25 years, still chatting aimlessly about random shit. Never run out of things to talk about.

Damn, that's what I was afraid of.

I'm not a chatty person generally, he is more chatty than me but I really want this to work

Do you have things in common you could potentially chat about?
If you are not a ‘chatty’ person then have you experienced this with other partners/friends?
My partner and I don’t always talk (just to make it clear!) but I don’t find that uncomfortable and nothing is forced.

Silences are OK. We don't chat constantly. But we have been together 10 years and still have a shit ton to say! DH is more chatty then I am. Sometimes he just chats football at me and I nod and make 'mmmm' noises! We don't have a TV so I think this helps. We have no choice but to talk. We also have a lot in common (apart from boring football) so we can talk endlessly about all sorts.

Do you have things in common?
Do you find the silences awkward?
Are you having to pull the conversation along?
Do you get anytime apart?

Life is more boring at the moment. We can all admit that. But you are new to this relationship so you should have all the years before this one to talk about

We read the newspaper together and chat about what we are reading, directing each other to articles. We also talk about our hobbies which are very different. On the other hand, in the evening we can spend a couple of hours in silence listening to music and reading or doing puzzles. Don’t try to force conversation. My mother and I used to travel together and wouldn’t talk for hours but the silence was companionable. Do you snuggle up together on the sofa in the evening to watch tv? How about if you agreed to each think of a topic to talk about over dinner? It could be the state of the world or something you have seen on Instagram? I remember when we were newly weds - there were no mobile phones, WhatsAp or email - I would save up snippets to tell my DH when we got home. Could you share your ideal holidays, the book you are reading, some gossip from a friend? Don’t despair. Relationships take time and work.

We do have things in common but I am an introvert and have never found conversations easy so maybe it's me. I've never found it easy to carry a conversation. He will chat and tell me stories but it's got to the point where he's repeating the stories!

We don't have much time apart at the moment, we did before lockdown came in again and I guess it was a bit better then.

He seems very happy and doesn't appear to have noticed this issue so maybe I'm reading to much into it. Can't shake off the thought that we're just incompatible though and that makes me very sad. He is a lovely man.

I would chat with him about it. If there’s one thing I have learnt over the years it’s that communication is key, even about the little things. Could just be a non-issue. Life is pretty uneventful at the moment....

DH and I have now both been working from home since March. We have no children so it's just the two of us. While we can talk about anything and often chat about the most random or ridiculous things, lockdown has definitely led to more silences purely because we don't have the usual "how was your day" type of talks. So because of lockdown we have very little "news" for each other. I've found the same when chatting to friends recently.

However it isn't at all uncomfortable or awkward, it's just that there are more frequent comfortable silences. I think there's an important difference between being incompatible with little to talk about and being able to sit in comfortable silence. Since it's a relatively new relationship that was forced to progress quickly, is there a chance you're not quite secure in it yet so are overthinking any silences? Do you chat about news, TV, friends, family, things from your past that the other wouldn't know about?

@Tadpolesandfroglets

I would chat with him about it. If there’s one thing I have learnt over the years it’s that communication is key, even about the little things. Could just be a non-issue. Life is pretty uneventful at the moment....

I do agree and try to communicate when things are bothering me or check in with him. I've avoided this one though as I don't want to make an issue out of something if I'm overthinking it.

@Veenah

DH and I have now both been working from home since March. We have no children so it's just the two of us. While we can talk about anything and often chat about the most random or ridiculous things, lockdown has definitely led to more silences purely because we don't have the usual "how was your day" type of talks. So because of lockdown we have very little "news" for each other. I've found the same when chatting to friends recently.

However it isn't at all uncomfortable or awkward, it's just that there are more frequent comfortable silences. I think there's an important difference between being incompatible with little to talk about and being able to sit in comfortable silence. Since it's a relatively new relationship that was forced to progress quickly, is there a chance you're not quite secure in it yet so are overthinking any silences? Do you chat about news, TV, friends, family, things from your past that the other wouldn't know about?

What kind of random or ridiculous things do you talk about? Maybe I just need to get better at that! It is still very new and extreme circumstances so yes maybe I am reading too much into it or just not feeling secure in myself. I was single for a long time before this too so there is some adapting on my part.

I wouldn’t worry too much at the moment - couples normally talk about their day, their hobbies, the news, forthcoming holidays etc - and there’s precious little going on to talk about because there is so much we aren’t allowed to do. As for the news, there’s not been a whole heap of topics to talk about other than COVID and the US election. Maybe try to get some external stimulation - my newish boyfriend and I are going on new walks and nerdily looking at local history, and planning the route of a fictitious gap year, with all our dream destinations. We’ll never go on it - he has two school age kids - but it’s given us some ideas of where we’d both like to go if we ever get the chance.

Dh and I can always find some shite to waffle about. That's probably more to do with our personality traits than anything.
I literally rarely shut up ever! and Dh is quite similar.
On the occasion that there is a silence when we're both in the same room, it's never uncomfortable.
We both work long hours, both have to go out to work and don't work from home, so that certainly helps with our day to day conversations.
Do you think you could be overthinking it and that makes it feel uncomfortable?

Dh and I are both introverts and we always find something to talk about. We do need the silences but being with someone who understands this helps.
It's never awkward.

We always have stuff to talk about. DH was less talkative when I met him, but that has changed over the years. We talk about work (we're lucky that we are both still working during lockdown) , our kids, the news, house stuff, anything we find out about friends and acquaintances - I like it when he's bumped into someone at the shops and he tells me their news, for example. We both talk too much and over each other!

Evenings we usually watch tv together, a box set mostly, so we can talk about that too.

But I do find it boring that a lot of what we talk about at the moment ( and what I talk about with other family, friends and colleagues) is Covid. DH is always filling me in on the latest and I really am not that interested mostly. The US election has made the news a bit more interesting!

Shared experiences are what you need and it is harder to find those at the moment.

I wouldn't bail out of your relationship now as the situation is not normal, hopefully life will get back to normal eventually. Can you find areas of common interest via online activities (one couple I know play bridge online), tv, doing research into something?

20 years together and we're happy to spend evenings reading in silence, but we never run out of things to talk about.

We don't tend to watch much TV together (different tastes), which helps.

We talk about mundane things, future projects and plans for us, our careers, our finances, our home.l and obviously our children.

We discuss news items quite a lot and share silly memes too. He'll talk to me about Physics, black holes and marathon running I'll talk to him about linguistics, cooking and baking.

Sometimes we'll stick on a music playlist from the 80s or watch music videos from that era (we're gen X) and laugh for hours and reminisce.

Other times we spend consecutive evenings reading and silent like Trappist monks.

Main thing is that you're comfortable with whatever level of Interaction you have.

I wouldn't worry about how much or little you chat. But how well you get on with each other in general. If you're both quiet types there's nothing wrong with that.
If you're feeling uncomfortable with the long silences then there are you can do to encourage conversation, reading and discussing books, newspapers, magazines, online threads and articles.
Showing each other funny memes and videos.
Playing strategic board games, computer games.
Watching documentaries.
Watching TV series.
Go for a walk.
Ask questions to get to know each other, what are your dreams, ambitions, favourite place to visit, dream place to visit, favourite food, favourite songs etc.

I also feel like I'm longing for a deeper connection but I'm not quite getting it or don't know how.

Does that take time or is it another sign that something is off?

I would say if you are longing for a deeper connection and don't feel like you have it, especially in the 'honeymoon' period of a relationship, that might be a warning. However, deeper connections do grow from time to time. It depends how much you are willing to invest in this relationship and how long you are happy to wait to see if it changes.

We talk about news items which can lead to fun debating, news about new discoveries in science etc, do a daily crossword together and congratulate each other on particularly impressive answers, we talk about our personal history this week we both told each other about our favourite bonfire nights when younger and seeing as we have been together 14 odd years it was surprising that we hadn't done that before but it's nice to learn new things. We play chess, I have only won once but I'm better at Scrabble.

And we have evenings of not saying a word. But the silences are fine, just in our own world's enjoying the peace.

How can anyone say “life is boring at the moment” 🙄. Living through a global pandemic where rules change weekly and a mental US election! Hardly boring times !

We are good at talking shite nonstop.

Some people are chatty and others aren't. And this isn't a case where you are getting bored of his silence... You are the silent one.

I am an introvert and have never found conversations easy so maybe it's me.

I'm exactly like that. I've never found conversations easy so if I waited for a relationship where it does, I'd never be in one. That's not the yardstick I measure the relationship by.

Of course if you want to leave the relationship you can, for any or no reason. But no I don't think it's the case that all other happy couples chat and laugh all day long, even when they are together 24/7.

I sort of understand in that we are definitely repeating stories. We know each other extremely well , possibly because we spent a ridiculously long time talking about the past etc at the beginning.

We don't run out of things , we talk about the news (we are both interested in politics so obviously lately we have talked about it alot). We often read in the same room but then one of us will tell the other about a funny or interesting bit in the book which sometimes is just an aside or may spark a conversation that goes on.

We do have lots of companionable silences...more due to having more or less spent 24/7 together for the last....is it 8 months now? Bar DP going away to work we are constantly together.

I will say we had to adjust a bit. We have always discussed professional issues as we are in the same industry but when I effectively lost my role due to childcare I felt like all I withered about was vapid home stuff. I told him this and he was agog. He refrained it and told me (and he was right) that it was my stuff and he was just as interested as he always had been. After some thought I realised he was right ,it had been my insecurity that he didn't find me as interesting.

Bring it up , see what he says. I wouldn't worry too much. Uncomfortable silences are obvious , the complete mismatch with exdh and I led to huge amounts of these but it was palpable that it was an awkward silence. It wouldn't be a question it felt toxic. Unless it feels like that then see what he thinks.

DP and I are both introverts and never run out of things to talk about. He’s my best friend and always interesting to me