Do you run out of things to talk about with your partner?

[Ruby0707]

We've been together a year but it was still quite new when lockdown happened, we moved in together.

I've always felt conversation doesn't flow naturally but now with the second lockdown, it's becoming more obvious.

He is furloughed and I am working from home so there isn't much going on. Could it be that or is it a sign that we're just not compatible?

I came from a family of outspoken people. I was the quiet one. Possible ASD. I didn't think anything I had to say would interest anyone. If I did say anything, it was usually outbursts of indignation etc. I cringe and laugh at my younger self!
Now I talk bollocks to almost anybody. It's easy and it's free.
BUT - I get you. It goes deeper than just random talk. You don't feel 100% about this guy even though you say you love him. Why is that?
Sure, covid has put a stop to a lot of things but in itself it has caused a lot of conversation topics surely.
I still get days when I'm feeling more ASD and I close up but I just tell my DP this and he calmly accepts it. We watch a film and cuddle up. Listen is golden sometimes.

Silence!

I think the fact you’re aware of it and are worrying about it is a sign that this might not be the right relationship. Conversation should come naturally - you should be at ease with it not wracking your brains for something to say. I can imagine that gets wearing after a while.

How do you build that deeper connection?

We do talk about our feelings / thoughts / worries. I suffer from anxiety and I've been honest with him about that and he helps me through it when I'm having an episode.

My experience is that a connection is something that is there from the beginning and not something that comes later. Of course you can become closer to people in time but that feeling, like you have known someone for a thousand years and feel instantly comfortable with them, that's not something that can be built.
This feeling that you have that something is missing, are you comparing to past relationships?

@XiCi

My experience is that a connection is something that is there from the beginning and not something that comes later. Of course you can become closer to people in time but that feeling, like you have known someone for a thousand years and feel instantly comfortable with them, that's not something that can be built. This feeling that you have that something is missing, are you comparing to past relationships?

Possibly comparing it to my first relationship, we were together for a long time, we were young but I felt like he knew everything about me and could tell him everything. He ended up cheating on me though so it wasn't perfect.

On;y had 2 serious relationships after that and the last one was particularly bad, he was very emotionally unavailable and also cheated. I stayed single for a long time after that and when this one came along, he felt like a breath of fresh air.

I really want it to work, I can't imagine leaving him. It would tear me apart.

Ruby its hard to understand exactly what you think is wrong in the relationship. Do you think maybe you have been affected by past abusive relationships? It may be worth getting some counselling for yourself to explore this. From what you say he is a lovely man, you love him and cant imagine life without him. I wouldnt be doing anything rash in this situation

I really want it to work, I can't imagine leaving him. It would tear me apart

I really want this relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable to work. I can't imagine leaving this man I run out of things to say to. It would tear me apart to leave this relationship that doesn't fulfill me.

Can you see how you're settling for less than you want? Given your relationship history, it's understandable that you want to stay with him because he's nice. But do you think he's the only nice man? Wouldn't you prefer to be with a nice man you relished every moment with? Don't you think you should respect your nice man enough to tell him you're not always comfortable in his company?

We waffle about all sorts of stuff from silly nothings to the big stuff. It’s also cool to just ‘be’ and sit in silence together doing other stuff.
Are you sure he’s not happy just in the quiet and you’re making too much of the silence?

@Ruby0707

I also feel like I'm longing for a deeper connection but I'm not quite getting it or don't know how.

Does that take time or is it another sign that something is off?

I think everything you say suggests that, lovely though he may be, this relationship is not working for you.

OP how old are you, and how old were you when you were in this first relationship that you imagine as perfect?
It's extremely hard when you have anxiety to know if the problem is your anxiety telling you something is wrong or if the relationship really isn't right. I really really sympathise.
Have you had any counselling for your anxiety?

If you think there is something really missing from this relationship then it probably isn't right for you.

However, you have spent more than half of this relationship in a pandemic so I would be careful to ensure that the problem is the relationship itself and not a consequence of lock down etc. Do you think if it wasn't for the pandemic that there would still be something missing?

I agree that you shouldn't be settling, no one should, but where people are saying you should be in the honeymoon period right now I am not sure I agree, I think Covid has ruined that giddy feeling for lots of new couples.

I think Covid has ruined that giddy feeling for lots of new couples

Nothing ruins that giddy feeling if you're happy in your new relationship. That's the point of the giddy feeling. It makes sitting stuck in a broken lift together feel like heaven, and it makes clouds into candy floss!

I’d say the deeper connection and being completely comfortable with silence comes with time. You might just be overthinking too, life isn’t a fairytale. Cut yourself some slack and just enjoy being with him. I’m sure I had these doubts too, now been with my DH for 15 years. He was also my first proper partner so it was all new.

Nothing ruins that giddy feeling if you're happy in your new relationship
I agree. In fact I think being locked up 24/7 with only each other would have very much heightened it.

It's not normal..been together over a decade, we can talk and talk.

Me and DP generally talk non-stop when we're in the same room, unless we're watching something on the TV. We also text a bit in the day when he's at work but that's usually just small talk like how's your day, to show I'm thinking of him.

After being with my ex for far too long, I couldn't be with someone who I couldn't talk to again.

Sometimes we go to bed at 11.30, and we're still lay there chatting at 3am or even later occasionally. It's like, we'll have a conversation about something, and then one of us will mention something else and it'll go off on a tangent .. it's weird. I've actually never met someone before who I could speak to like this. We've been together 3 years so not hugely long term, but we do live together and it is nice.

He might not be the right person for you.

Do you feel like you can tell him anything?

My exDH, we were both extreme introverts antisocial I mean we didn't speak to anyone unless we had to.

But, when we got together, the conversation always flows. We never ran out of things to talk about and never got bored. If anyone would have seen us, they would have thought we were the move outgoing couple!

I still occasionally talk to him on the phone my intention being 5 minute phone call but the magic always happens and before you know it, an hour or 2 passes.

In answer to some of your questions:

Yes, I do feel like I can tell him anything and do. He's very good at making time for me and listening when I am going off in an anxious spin.

My first relationship I guess I comparing it to was from 16 to 22. I'm 36 now. I don't feel like I've properly connected with anyone since that one. But as I said, he cheated so it was perfect. Maybe I am romanticising it.

He is happy when there is silence, maybe I am overthinking it as we don't need to be chatting constantly. It's ok when we're in the house and have other distractions like TV, radio, cooking but when we go out for a walk or for a meal, for example, sometimes I feel it is strained. He doesn't seem to see it.

I have started having counselling for my anxiety. I don't really feel it is helpful though, we just talk about my crazy thoughts with no real solution.

It seems like I disagree with most pps so maybe I'm wrong but I don't think it's realistic to expect constant talking and laughing and romance and absolutely no doubts, even if it's a newish relationship. That just isn't real life, especially if you aren't a chatty sort of person. He isn't going to change your personality.

And I don't think you can compare an adult relationship (during a pandemic) to your first relationship with you were a teenager. Firstly because you were a teenager (hormones etc), second it being "the first" relationship (exciting!), and thirdly how can you even remember what it was like (rose tinted glasses).

It's also something you can work on. If you know you are going out for a special date (or staying in for a special date I guess), prepare a little. Mentally note down a couple of things you'd like to discuss so you aren't just sitting there waiting for magic to happen.

Hey OP
Yes, you are romanticizing your first relationship. Life at 36 is very different to life in your late teens, so it's easy to look back and think - oh life was great then, that relationship was perfect that's why. It's also probably not remotely as you remember it, if you could transport yourself back in time and live it again, you might be surprised at the reality. And, as you say, he cheated on you. Why would you want that again?
I do agree with the post above, and I think some PP telling you it's not right because it doesn't feel right don't understand how much anxiety can screw with your head in these situations. I'm not saying it's right, obviously, but I think you need to figure out why it feels difficult for you - is it reality or is it your anxiety telling you it is? (Easier said than done of course).
Have a read up about attachment disorders, it may or may not be helpful.
Also, if your therapist isn't helping, switch to a new one. It's so easy to set up as a therapist, standards vary massively, so don't feel bad nipping it in the bud and trying someone new, it's money down the drain if it isn't helping.x

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all your replies and different opinions and I am taking them all on board.

This man ticks so many boxes and I think I would struggle to connect with anyone, that takes time for me and I've never been a person to constantly chat, I find that exhausting.

I guess I have to see how it goes.

Some people are just better at conversation than others. I dont always have tonnes to chat about with dp. Im not always in the mood and vice versa, but we get on fine and chat plenty at other times and listen to each other. Been together 15 years, so no, i dont think that sometimes running out of conversation is a sign of incompatibility at all. Dont put so much pressure on yourself.
If what you mean is that youre bored of each other and would rather chat to other people, then thats another story

We are both pretty introverted and comfortable with sitting in silence together but we don't run out of things to talk about. Major topics are:

Stuff our pets do
The shopping literally the same every week
Stuff our pets do
Chat about what we have watched on TV
Stuff our pets do
Bit about work
Stuff our pets do
Things we have seen on Twitter

You get the gist. Also the pets are cats. They do the same things every single day. Apparently it is endlessly entertaining for us.

I suspect most couples are the same. They talk about shit. Don't set your sights that high. A deep emotional connection comes not necessarily by talking about deep things.