Do you run out of things to talk about with your partner?

[Ruby0707]

We've been together a year but it was still quite new when lockdown happened, we moved in together.

I've always felt conversation doesn't flow naturally but now with the second lockdown, it's becoming more obvious.

He is furloughed and I am working from home so there isn't much going on. Could it be that or is it a sign that we're just not compatible?

Lock down and home working is a really weird situation and not reflective of normality where you'd both be out living your own lives and coming together in the evenings or whatever. It's not surprising there's not much to say atm. However, I understand your concern. DH and I don't talk much and it's always bothered me (been together 15 years). In an ideal world we'd have fallen in love over long conversations about shared interests but that's not our 'glue'. What binds us is the unspoken stuff: absolute trust and support, mutual reliance, physical attraction and just knowing we're there for each other. Whether we'll last to the end of our days like this I'm not sure. I don't fancy 30 years of retirement with nothing to talk about. But I'm content enough for now.

I think comfortable silences are an important part of relationships too - as it shows a level of comfort and connection you should have in the early days, definitely 1 year in. The best thing about my current relationship is that we can talk about absolute crap (we once had a very long, serious convo on what Bond villain we'd both be, right down to the outfits we'd pick and the backstory). But also we have sat in silence reading our respective books, or doing work, and not feeling awkward at all. Because I know I could then say something random that pops into my head, and we'd chat or laugh or discuss it.

However, not everyone wants this kind of relationship. I have married friends who have never had much to say to each other, and are still happy enough. It depends how much value great conversation and connection. If you'd be happy just with security, reliability, trust etc then don't let it bother you. But I get the feeling you are missing some sort of connection hence the question...

35+ years together and Mrs Firewalker and I can chat up a storm or embrace the silence.
As we are together 24/7/365 it can sometimes be hard to find something to chat about.
Generally we chat about friends and family, tv programs, what's in the news or stuff we are reading. When the silence is overpowering we put on music and reminisce about the good times and loved ones who are gone.
A relationship is about sharing and caring it's not about how much you talk about but rather being able to talk about anything.

Well each couple is different and as long as they are happy it doesn't matter whether they are chatting all the time or silent surely?

Me and DH have been married 40 years and have spent quite a few years working together so being together 24/7 and have now been together 24/7 since March. We talk all the time. I am a chatterbox and DH is not far behind me.

Of course we have our times of silence. If one of us is reading there is usually silence plus when we watch tv we don't tend to talk. We never talk if we are watching a film because it annoys both of us and we like to really get into a film.

We never run out of things to talk about though. Off the top of my head we talk about: our dogs (we don't have children), books we are reading, tv shows, films, music, news items, plans for our house (decorating etc) as it is a fairly new house to us, plans for our garden front and back.

We laugh a lot. After 40 years we have lots of silly "in jokes" (don't know how else to describe them).

Do you both like the same music OP? When me and my partner are in the kitchen cooking, washing up or whatever we always play our own music which often leads to conversations about the band, the singer, other music around at the time, the fashions, popular culture etc and the conversation kind of just flows from there. Also, if you really can’t think of anything to chat about having some music in the background might make you feel less awkward.

If you get on well with your partner and he’s a nice guy it’s a shame to just throw your relationship away. Plus, as others have said it’s a strange time at the moment where life is boring for most people. I’ve personally stopped chatting to friends and family as much now simply because there’s not a great deal to talk about like you say! Good luck OP

DP and I can chat away quite happily and never run out of things to say, but also sit together in companionable silence without an issues. I agree the Covid situation means there is less going on in our lives than usual (certainly in my and my DPs case), so in that sense there is less to talk about. I do remember a number of years ago my dsis said to me, I can’t remember what BIL and I used to talk about before we had kids. I found that very sad.

My fairly new boyfriend and I spend vast periods of time not talking - I love it, and so does he! It is very different to all the previous relationships I have had where there has been lots more talking - and lots more rowing! We are both quiet people who don’t like talking for the sake of it (you know, the miserable sort who HATE it if a taxi driver or a hairdresser tries to make conversation). In fact, just the other day he text me from work to say God, this man in the office keeps talking to me and won’t go away, what can I do? I think he wanted me to ring with a pretend emergency or something! We discussed it really early on - probably on our third date, and agreed that we both were really happy with silence unless we had anything to say..... The silences are completely comfortable tho - because of a sense of affinity we have I suppose (despite having very different backgrounds and experience, it feels like we are very similar people). Of course, there are times when we talk 19 to the dozen too. Topics would include our families, our past history, past relationships, our days at work, politics, literature (we are both avid readers); our amazing sex life; our possible future plans..... We text loads as well, pretty much all day - but we never speak on the phone. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. This relationship makes me really happy but i am sure it would be some people’s idea of Hell.....

Together 30 years. Still chatting away here

Lockdown could be a factor - I know an extremely compatible, very happily married couple and the wife said she was concerned about youngest's language development as her and her husband didn't talk so much during lockdown. Less to talk about if each day is the same as the the one before.

A lot has resonated with me here in some of your comments. I am one of those people who doesn't like to chat to taxi drivers or hairdressers, I hate it when I get chatty ones! When I was in the office, my colleagues would chat endlessly and it did annoy me at times, I'd like a little chat but they would go on and on and I wouldn't contribute as much. My boyfriend is often telling me stories which will go on for ages but when I tell a story, I get it out quickly and skim over the details as I feel like he'll be bored if I go on and on. It just doesn't come naturally to me. With everyone in my life, I've never been one to chat endlessly.

So the problem is with me isn't it?

He seems happy, says he can talk to me openly. He's honest, trustworthy and very thoughtful so I don't want to throw it away. I guess I always thought that with the right person, that stuff would be easier for me.

And we don't sit in silence all the time, don't get me wrong. It's just that sometime it feels a bit.... awkward.

I do agree and try to communicate when things are bothering me or check in with him. I've avoided this one though as I don't want to make an issue out of something if I'm overthinking it

Regardless of what the issue was, the fact that you are avoiding talking about an issue 'in case it's you' shows that you are not at ease.

Also, you are saying 'We don't have things to talk about', whilst also having a relationship issue that needs discussing, and avoiding talking about it.

You're meant to feel at ease with your partner, and, if the problem is you, then you're meant to be able to talk that through in a way that makes you feel better about it.

I'm sorry, but there's millions of lovely guys out there. You can't be compatible with all of them. Quiet times in a relationship aren't an issue in themselves - they can be beautiful. The way that you are concerned and consult MN rather than your partner reveals the faultline in the relationship.

I spoke to him, he said he doesn't think there's a problem. In fact he finds it quite refreshing that we don't have to talk all the time about inane stuff and finds the silences comfortable.

I'm still not sure, maybe I need to try and change my mindset. Not sure how though

@Ruby0707

A lot has resonated with me here in some of your comments. I am one of those people who doesn't like to chat to taxi drivers or hairdressers, I hate it when I get chatty ones! When I was in the office, my colleagues would chat endlessly and it did annoy me at times, I'd like a little chat but they would go on and on and I wouldn't contribute as much. My boyfriend is often telling me stories which will go on for ages but when I tell a story, I get it out quickly and skim over the details as I feel like he'll be bored if I go on and on. It just doesn't come naturally to me. With everyone in my life, I've never been one to chat endlessly.

So the problem is with me isn't it?

He seems happy, says he can talk to me openly. He's honest, trustworthy and very thoughtful so I don't want to throw it away. I guess I always thought that with the right person, that stuff would be easier for me.

See I chat to everyone - hairdressers, taxi drivers, people at bus stops, checkout operators, shop assistants.

I am a talker. I love talking. You obviously are not and there is nothing wrong with that

I am just not, never have been but boyfriend seems ok with that.

Maybe it's more about the insecurities I have about myself.

I'm still not sure, maybe I need to try and change my mindset

Don't change yourself for a relationship; you must have heard this before. He likes things the way they are, but you feel uncomfortable. Nobody is wrong or right - there isn't a set amount of talking/not talking that's the 'correct amount' in a relationship. You need to find someone who likes the same amount as you. And he needs to find someone who likes the same amount as him.

There's nothing wrong with you, and the reason you can't see a way to change your mindset is because it's a) really hard and b) the wrong thing to do.

Are you actually in love with him? The way you talk about him it's as if theres something missing, that you just want it to work because hes a nice person, an honest person and while these are good qualities you need a hell of a lot more than that. I've been with DH for 27 years and can honestly say if I didnt fancy him like crazy and wasnt in love we wouldnt be here now, no matter how good a person he is. It's like a thread that pulls you through any tough times.

We get on extremely well though and I can honestly say have never struggled for conversation and have many lively debates. I'd hate to be one of those couples you see in the pub that just sit staring at their phones with nothing to say to each other!

I do love him yes but I do seem to swing from being really happy and content to having doubts about the relationship and if we're right for each other.

That's not normal is it?

Yours not happy, you know it deep down and it sounds like the relationship is stalling and perhaps not getting the deeper connection you're understandably wanting a deserve.

If you are honest are you really happy to be with him for the next 30 years?
I'm guessing not.

It's not normal after a year no. You should be very much in the honeymoon period

If you live together you’re probably over the honeymoon period but if you feel uneasy, there’s a reason for it. Dh and I never run out of things to say as there’s always something (mundane) going on- and we are home together every day.

I do really love him, I can't imagine being without him.

But it does feel like something is missing, I don't understand it.

You're not compatible and the relationship is probably running it's course.
You can't stay with someone if you're missing something, it's unfair on him

I do love him yes but I do seem to swing from being really happy and content to having doubts about the relationship and if we're right for each other

That's not normal is it

Yes, it's normal when you're with a lovely person who doesn't meet your needs. They'll meet many of your needs, but there are holes and gaps, where the doubts creep in.

Not normal after a year. DH and the have been together 12 years. Always have plenty to talk about. Easy conversation and easy silence - neither feel stilted.