Do you run out of things to talk about with your partner?

[Ruby0707]

We've been together a year but it was still quite new when lockdown happened, we moved in together.

I've always felt conversation doesn't flow naturally but now with the second lockdown, it's becoming more obvious.

He is furloughed and I am working from home so there isn't much going on. Could it be that or is it a sign that we're just not compatible?

@Zolaanna

You're going around in circles. You don't want to be honest with yourself. The bottom line is there isn't the connection you were hoping for. It's o my going to get worse

I fear you may be right.

How can I break up with someone I love though? It makes no sense.

@Eckhart

No, absolutely not! I'm like this with everyone to be honest

Even with family? Have you always been like that with them? Does it make you uncomfortable with everyone, like it does with your partner?

Sometimes yes, although I guess it's more comfortable as they're family. I'm more relaxed and do chat to them of course but still not overly chatty.

I think it’s fine to have silences you can’t talk non stop but it’s if it feels comfortable or not when your not talking. If it’s awkward then I don’t think you click

Op I wonder if you have this image of a perfect relationship in your head, where there's constant loving and playful banter, you sit up til 3 am chatting, put the world to rights etc.
And then the reality is that for most of us, that isn't sustainable.

I'll be honest , we mostly avoided this by rushing everything 😂. Moved in at 2 months, engaged at 6, married at 18. Plenty to chat about. Then TTC then pregnant then very poorly baby 3.5 years in, good complex needs then trying you get pregnant, now runs

@SleepingStandingUp

Op I wonder if you have this image of a perfect relationship in your head, where there's constant loving and playful banter, you sit up til 3 am chatting, put the world to rights etc. And then the reality is that for most of us, that isn't sustainable.

I'll be honest , we mostly avoided this by rushing everything 😂. Moved in at 2 months, engaged at 6, married at 18. Plenty to chat about. Then TTC then pregnant then very poorly baby 3.5 years in, good complex needs then trying you get pregnant, now runs

I think there may be an element of this. I've not been in a relationship for a long time and I've never loved with a partner before so I don't know how to just "be" and I feel like it should be more magical than this in some way.

It also moved a lot quicker than it usually would due to lockdown. I wonder if we would have made it this far if it wasn't that.

Been together 12 years and haven't run out of things to chat about

Before you dump him, given you say you love him, I'd give it another chance now you know he's comfortable with silence, and it's ok to not have to chat constantly. See how it feels of you can just relax in the silence.
I must say, we don't sit on silence because I dislike it so we'd always have the music or telly on and might talk about that rather than anything deep, or if we've seen an interesting news article etc

It also moved a lot quicker than it usually would due to lockdown. I wonder if we would have made it this far if it wasn't that

It's more than an issue of silences in conversation, then.

Communication is so important.
IMO there's nothing worse than being with someone that's not on the same level.
I love good conversation - it's a connection of the minds.
Personally I don't think you should string this out. If you do, it will lead to frustration and resentment. If it's not there, it's not there unfortunately.

Life is very uneventful at the moment. DH and I find things to chat about (married 25 yrs, co-worked from home for 13 of them) but it's often just about snippets of news and our attitude to them (anything from rants about Trump to giggles about the New Zealand Bird of the Year contest.) And we comment on what's going on around us - the changing garden, wildlife, the cat etc. We have 'proper' conversations about books we're reading, places we want to visit once lockdown lifts, what we want to do with our lives etc too.

DH is introverted and he admitted that when we first met he looked through the newspapers to find interesting things to discuss with me on our first date. Must have worked because they locked up the restaurant around us. Maybe, if it bothers you, do this. Find funny bits in the news to relate to him or if he heard them, ask what he thought. Chat about the past - happy memories, the present - what to eat/do today, current affairs, and the future - Christmas plans, holiday plans etc.

I wouldn't mention it as an issue if he seems fine with it. he might be glad you are quiet.It's fine ot be happy in your own thoughts next to someone you love.

I wouldn't mention it as an issue if he seems fine with it

So it's ok for OP to be uncomfortable, as long as he's happy? You wouldn't class that as an issue?

I absolutely love my wife's company. We can enjoy being quiet but we love talking to each other about all sorts of things.

Sounds soul destroying.

You remind me of my younger self trying to talk myself into wanting someone who wanted me and convincing myself it was me, my issues etc rather than just accepting it wasn't right for me and trusting my instincts.

Be it single or with someone the most basic thing you want is to be comfortable surely? Tick boxes don't apply. Things have to feel right. Staying in situations or relationships that don't feel right is and gaslighting yourself really takes a toll and ime the sense of relief when you free yourself is huge.

How can I break up with someone I love though? It makes no sense

If you're not comfortable, it's not the love you need or want, is it. I can't see how anything other than breaking up makes sense, really. I know you don't want to hear it - that's why you're not grasping it.

What you've essentially said is 'I'm not particularly comfortable with my partner, even when everything is fine between us.'

I would be breaking up with him, and then, in time, having a think about why I would fall in love with someone I'm not comfortable with.

Going against the grain here....
OP has said she suffers with anxiety. She also says she has no one in her life with whom she could chat and not worry about the gaps. She loves her BF and can't imagine life without him.
It might be that the things she's worrying about mean it's not the right relationship for her.
It might also be that it's her anxiety talking.
IMO those saying simply, if it doesn't feel right, get rid, haven't lived with this kind of anxiety that can screw with your mind and make you doubt and worry.
OP I'd think really carefully about all the advice you've had on here and - as you said you weren't finding your current counselling effective - think about trying a different therapist. Only you can figure out what's best here but I'd be thinking very long and very hard about whether immediately ending things is really right for you, given everything you've said. In the end, it might be, but don't be afraid to take your time to get clarity.

I have lived with that kind of anxiety and I have to say it lessened considerably when I started trusting my own instincts and feelings rather than obsessively doubting myself and trying to repress them.

Obviously we're all different but if you've been raised or had other experiences that have led you to not be confident in your own thoughts and feelings and to doubt yourself in a kind of internalised gaslighting you can agonise and question where others would just go nope, I'm not comfortable or happy and that's enough. Instead you go but he's a nice guy and he's kind and he's happy so it must just be something wrong with me so I'll try to ignore those feelings cue agonising internal dialogue and questioning of everything rather than action.

This sounds like that kind of agonising and self doubt and I should be happy, he's not a bad person and loves me so I should be happy.

I may be projecting though. I went through a stage like this after being single for a long stretch and never meeting anyone that gave me a sense of home and rightness like my previous partner. I started to think like the op that something was wrong with me and I needed to push past it and make a relationship work. It was agonising and exhausting rattling around in my head whilst physically with someone I couldn't connect to.

OP - I know he's the right one because of all his fabulous qualities, he's kind, patient, sweet, funny, all the things I could want really. My anxiety is such that, on some level, I may always find something to be anxious about, but when I feel that something could be improved, communication wise, I talk about it with him and he is very receptive and understanding, even when I can't articulate my thoughts very clearly! That's very important to me.

Like you, mine won't embark on a deep and meaningful discussion but is happy to participate if I start one. That doesn't mean we don't have great conversation, we do, but I guess I need those deep and meaningfuls every so often where as he probably doesn't. Would LIKE your partner to ask you deeper questions? Does he show consistent interest in you, as an individual?

And I KNOW I couldn't find anyone as lovely as him, and would be devastated if he weren't around, so I remind myself of that!

He’s probably delighted and loves your way, don’t fret. A spontaneous hug or like pp said snuggling up is important too.

Some good suggestions on here to help you ease into making more convo if you want to.

OP- I know he's the right one because of all his fabulous qualities, he's kind, patient, sweet, funny, all the things I could want really
I know, and have known over the years, ALOT of men that are kind, sweet, funny etc etc but theres no way in hell I would have been their partner. Just because someone has good qualities doesnt make them right for you. A successful relationship needs a lot more than that. I have men in my life that I love, that have all of those qualities, that I'd be upset if they weren't around etc but that extra something that you need in a relationship is missing. Its something that you know instinctively whether they are the one, whether you are right together. Sounds like the OP knows deep down that her bf isnt right for her.

What do you mean by a 'deep and meaningful' conversation and 'deeper questions' NonsensicalHair. I'm just interested because I think this would mean very different things to people

I know it is hard to tell what is going on when anxiety is involved, as you question everything anyway ... but what description would you say fits best:

a) I know that he's a good partner - he isn't stupid, he doesn't shout, he isn't abusive, he isn't a slob. He comes across really well -- anyone would think he was a good partner. I'd be stupid to reject him - what if all the other people I met were ignorant, nasty slobs?! I'm not such a great catch, I shouldn't turn him down just because of a few little flaws! But sometimes I do feel a bit upset or disappointed, or wonder if he's really my kind of person. When I think about breaking up with him, I remind myself of all these reasons why I should stay with him.

b) He regularly says or does something that makes me feel really happy and fond of him. He's not perfect - I'm well aware of his flaws - but they are not serious, and they feel like a small price to pay for the fun times we have together. We have our disagreements, but they get sorted out: we're basically on the same page. When I think about breaking up with him, I remember the fun times and his kind acts and I don't want to break up.