Do you run out of things to talk about with your partner?

[Ruby0707]

We've been together a year but it was still quite new when lockdown happened, we moved in together.

I've always felt conversation doesn't flow naturally but now with the second lockdown, it's becoming more obvious.

He is furloughed and I am working from home so there isn't much going on. Could it be that or is it a sign that we're just not compatible?

@AnnaMagnani

We are both pretty introverted and comfortable with sitting in silence together but we don't run out of things to talk about. Major topics are:

Stuff our pets do
The shopping literally the same every week
Stuff our pets do
Chat about what we have watched on TV
Stuff our pets do
Bit about work
Stuff our pets do
Things we have seen on Twitter

You get the gist. Also the pets are cats. They do the same things every single day. Apparently it is endlessly entertaining for us.

I suspect most couples are the same. They talk about shit. Don't set your sights that high. A deep emotional connection comes not necessarily by talking about deep things.

You talk about your pets a lot haha!

I also think, as an introvert, all of my thoughts are internal so I have been trying to say them out loud more. I find it quite draining though.

I would love to be a fly on the wall to other couple's relationships to see if we are doing it right!

I don’t think it’s a case of ‘doing it right’! There’s not wrong or right, just what you feel comfortable with but it genuinely sounds like you don’t feel that comfortable, just a bit awkward?

I don't think we talk about our emotions that much TBH. Only when it's important.

I used to see a counsellor and that helped A LOT with me dealing with my own shit and how to bring up stuff with my DH.

The chatting and connecting with someone are sort of separate.

The chatting is just that you are a quieter person but the connection issues are probably because of the hurt you suffered in the past.

It sounds like you feel quite safe with him but maybe not safe or secure enough yet.

We can still chat but can also sit in silence and have been together for 22 years. Doing it right is different for everyone. We are both very sociable introverts and need time for our own hobbies and thoughts.

Out of lockdown an average day when both working would have been get home and chat about our days at work and any domestic minutiae. Dinner and tv as tired. Other times we have great debates about politics, economics and history mainly. We also play board games and are massively competitive, scrabble is an absolute blood bath. We also make occasional bets about world events and also things more close to home. I had to pay for our first date as I lost the bet on the Welsh referendum.

We try and out do each other with obscure knowledge, difficult words, We both play video games, he is in top 1% in the world in the one he plays I am top 2% in the world in the one I play. Gentle ribbing about this happens often. The competition will only end when one of us has died. It’s like sibling rivalry really.

Reading back through your posts it just seems that you moved in too quickly due to Covid and were not quite ready for that. You talk alot about things being and feeling awkward. When things move organically instead of being forced together due to a pandemic you tend to be past these feelings of awkwardness.

Also you dont need to be chatting constantly in a relationship. It sounds like you are sitting there awkwardly wondering how to fill any gap of silence He is your partner so you should feel comfortable enough to just sit on the sofa together and be quiet/read/look at your phone etc. You dont need to be talking 24/7.

Its a real worry though if you dont ever find anything in common to have interesting conversation about. Him repeating stories will get very very boring after a few years never mind a few weeks!

Maybe you need to speak to your GP again about your anxiety OP, if you don't feel the therapy is helping?

You mention a couple of times that your bf has more of a story-telling style and is even repeating stories. I wonder if he's maybe actually not as good at conversation as you think? These storytellers can give the impression of being really chatty at first because you don't know the stories - but actually it might cover up a lack of expertise in normal chatting/discussion. The fact that you mention a lack of connection makes me think this could be the case too - my exh was a big storyteller, but it was really hard to talk about things normally and connect in that way, as the stories sometimes got a bit out of control and took over entirely.

So the problem is with me isn't it?

Yes

I think mainly the problem is that you aren't happy with who you are

You aren't chatty and prefer silences and quiet but you say

I've always felt conversation doesn't flow naturally but now with the second lockdown, it's becoming more obvious.

Conversation won't flow if you're not a flow person

Why can't you be you and he be him.

Your anxiety about yourself also seems to be making you feel as if you're not good enough at conversation, and not even considering that maybe he's not great at it? Just because he talks more than you doesn't mean he's a good conversationalist. As pp says, neither of you has to be a great conversationalist. But don't feel as if he's better than you - not a great start to a relationship. The same with feeling that you are the flawed, anxious person and your bf is the confident one who supports you. Maybe you're actually the one who thinks really deeply about things and your bf less so?!

Omg never. That's why I fell in love with him! We happily chat to each other all day long. Sometimes just about the stupidest stuff but we genuinely have a good time together and like each others company.

I've always felt conversation doesn't flow naturally

The thing is, it doesn't have to, but the silences have to flow naturally too, and that's equally important. Your silences aren't flowing naturally in your relationship. They make you feel awkward. Whether the problem is with you or not (I don't think it's a good idea to assign blame or responsibility with a communication issue: There are people in your life with whom communication does flow naturally, I presume, so it can't just be you), the problem is there.

Even if it's you're anxiety or self doubt that's causing the problem, the problem is still there.

The two of you don't communicate in a way that makes you feel consistently comfortable. I wouldn't settle.

OP, I sometimes feel almost exactly the same as you and am also an anxious person! What you said about wanting a deeper connection but not knowing how to access that resonated with me. As someone upthread said (can't remember exact wording) - just because he's chatty doesn't mean he's a good conversationalist. Do you 'bounce' off each other, have a good rapport when you're conversing? Can you have 'deep' conversations?

Have you expressed to him your concerns over this issue? If so, what was his response?

@NonsensicalHair

OP, I sometimes feel almost exactly the same as you and am also an anxious person! What you said about wanting a deeper connection but not knowing how to access that resonated with me. As someone upthread said (can't remember exact wording) - just because he's chatty doesn't mean he's a good conversationalist. Do you 'bounce' off each other, have a good rapport when you're conversing? Can you have 'deep' conversations?

Have you expressed to him your concerns over this issue? If so, what was his response?

I'm sorry you feel this way but also glad I'm not the only one! How long have you been with your partner?

We do bounce off each other a lot of the time yes when we are conversing and yes, we can have deep conversations. I have made a real effort to open up (something I struggle with) and tell him everything and he has always been open with me. Writing this makes me wonder what I'm even worrying about. It's like when there are silences, I read into them and think there is something wrong.

I've brought it up but kind of focussed on me and said I don't feel like I have enough to say or I'm not interesting. He disagreed, thinks I'm interesting and thinks the silences are comfortable.

We've been together for two years, and whilst I may feel this way at times, I don't ever doubt that he's the right man for me. My anxiety is probably a part of it, though how much of a part, I can't say. Perhaps there's an element of me that's always looking for some kind of perfection, which of course, doesn't exist. We are very compatible indeed so that's not something I ever doubt.

It's interesting hearing you say that you read things into silences - yep, recognise that! That's not to say we can't have silences that are comfortable, we definitely can, but now and again, there's a feeling (on my part) that we should be, I don't know...connecting...somehow. It's hard to put into words. He's more comfortable with silences generally, and is probably the quieter of the two of us, though I'm not particularly gregarious either. Actually, we're both introverts!

Does he ask you questions, deep questions, that push you to think about your answer? Does he show a deep interest in you?

Dh and I have been together over 40 years. We can happily sit and chat about nothing but we can just as happily sit reading or doing other stuff in silence. It doesn't feel uncomfortable. Everybody's relationship is different. I know some people who couldn't cope with constantly having to talk to their partner , but I also know some who would think it grounds for divorce if there was even a moment's silence. If you and your dp feel comfortable together and can talk about the important things, then I wouldn't worry. If you chat about random stuff all the time, but not about the big things in your li es and relationship, IMO, that is a problem.

@NonsensicalHair

We've been together for two years, and whilst I may feel this way at times, I don't ever doubt that he's the right man for me. My anxiety is probably a part of it, though how much of a part, I can't say. Perhaps there's an element of me that's always looking for some kind of perfection, which of course, doesn't exist. We are very compatible indeed so that's not something I ever doubt.

It's interesting hearing you say that you read things into silences - yep, recognise that! That's not to say we can't have silences that are comfortable, we definitely can, but now and again, there's a feeling (on my part) that we should be, I don't know...connecting...somehow. It's hard to put into words. He's more comfortable with silences generally, and is probably the quieter of the two of us, though I'm not particularly gregarious either. Actually, we're both introverts!

Does he ask you questions, deep questions, that push you to think about your answer? Does he show a deep interest in you?

How do you know he's the right person for you when you are having these anxious thoughts? What does that feel like?

Hmm, he doesn't necessarily ask me deep questions no. Probably more so if I've opened the conversation about something deeper.

I must say that I read more into the silences when I'm feeling anxious but I don't know which comes first if you know what I mean.

Maybe I'm looking for perfection too, or something that doesn't exist.

If you're looking for perfection you'll be single forever, we all have our own imperfections. Perhaps he's happy with you as you are and you're making an issue where there isn't one. My oh would cringe at the thought of making lots of meaningless smalltalk. He's happy to sit and watch the telly with me or go for walks. We talk about what we see out walking or on the tv. Just everyday things. I get it that this vivid had messed up some people's routine but we don't work anyway (old) so it's pretty normal. In normal times we both have things to do on our own to share but now we do things together. Simple things like the garden and allotment, we cook and bake together, even doing the housework together. Lots of time to disagree but we make a point of laughing at the disagreements as mostly they're pretty petty things to get upset about. Sitting quietly of an evening isn't an issue if you're happy together. If you haven't much to say and want to talk why not do something together to talk about.

We ran out of stuff to talk about years ago. We are together at home all day so have news, we've already covered everything that happened before we met, I already know his views on politics etc. We don't have common interests to the point that we struggle to find a TV programme we both want to watch, we'd rather watch our own thing in separate rooms.

I'm happy with that. I think I have above average conversational skills but would consider myself an introvert, meaning my perfect Saturday would be some time to myself.

We do have to put time aside to spend together and talk. Booze definitely helps too.

@BigFatLiar

If you're looking for perfection you'll be single forever, we all have our own imperfections. Perhaps he's happy with you as you are and you're making an issue where there isn't one. My oh would cringe at the thought of making lots of meaningless smalltalk. He's happy to sit and watch the telly with me or go for walks. We talk about what we see out walking or on the tv. Just everyday things. I get it that this vivid had messed up some people's routine but we don't work anyway (old) so it's pretty normal. In normal times we both have things to do on our own to share but now we do things together. Simple things like the garden and allotment, we cook and bake together, even doing the housework together. Lots of time to disagree but we make a point of laughing at the disagreements as mostly they're pretty petty things to get upset about. Sitting quietly of an evening isn't an issue if you're happy together. If you haven't much to say and want to talk why not do something together to talk about.

But isn’t the issue that the OP isn’t happy? This post isn’t about whether her boyfriend is happy with halting conversations and silences or not, but her own feeling that there’s an absence of connection.

OP, are you bored by him?

I'm not bored by him, no.

It's just this constant feeling that something is missing which I don't think is a good sign.

Very frustrating because I do love him.

Do you have other people in your life with whom you can talk endlessly, and don't think about the gaps? Friends/family you could happily be stuck in a lift with for hours?

We have been together 35 years, and never run out of things to talk about! We talk about politics, finance, the Dcats, DC, DGC, and his major hobby, birdwatching. We are both in the same profession, and work together (part time in my case), so he often talks to me about work, and his partner (and friend of 40 years).

His interests are geography, geology, botany, birdwatching and sport, while mine are literature, art, music and history. We both go along to the other’s interests - so if I want to see a ballet, he’ll come even though he knows nothing about it! I go birdwatching with him every weekend!

It would bother me in a relationship, if we ran out of things to talk about!

@Eckhart

Do you have other people in your life with whom you can talk endlessly, and don't think about the gaps? Friends/family you could happily be stuck in a lift with for hours?

No, absolutely not! I'm like this with everyone to be honest.

I dont understand why, if you are like this with everyone, you think this is a problem?
Do you have an expectation that a relationship will transform you into a different person?

You're going around in circles. You don't want to be honest with yourself.
The bottom line is there isn't the connection you were hoping for.
It's o my going to get worse

No, absolutely not! I'm like this with everyone to be honest

Even with family? Have you always been like that with them? Does it make you uncomfortable with everyone, like it does with your partner?