Hi
This is a long one so if you have time grab a tea or better still a glass of wine & strap in! Thank you in advance for even bothering to read.
So firstly I’m older than most here, 45, I do have children but they’re grown up now.
2 years ago I started a new relationship with a seemingly lovely guy. As a whole it’s been wonderful but I have to admit I’ve made most of the concessions. Prior to living together we would alternate nights but then 7/8 months in his lodger left & as he has an elderly dog he was no longer able to stay at mine. So it was always me going to him which was a huge compromise because my house was nicer, cleaner, dog free etc! I was always rushing from one house to another & at times I did resent it. However we’d decided to move in together at Easter & as mine was rented I gave it up. We actually ended up bringing the move forward so we could lockdown together.
Our plan was to put his house on the market & buy a place together.
The transition was tough.
Lockdown- me working from home all the time, I’m struggling
Lockdown for him - still commuting in a very stressful environment
I’m going through the menopause & have lost my confidence completely
Trying to live together with very different living styles
Both wanting to be king of the castle at times.
The dog is now incontinent & SH*ts in the house most days (he recently started urinating too)! 🤢
We had some tough conversations & at one point I considered moving out again. However we pushed through & I kept focusing on the future, new house, no dog!
Hand on heart we weren’t arguing all the time, we’ve had 3 arguments since March. We disagree on things at times but generally sort quickly. We were not shouty, confrontational types.
Our move has been put on hold because we can’t move with an incontinent dog. We want open plan & the logistics of confining the mess wouldn’t work. So 2 weeks ago he told me he had a plan. In the new place he wants an outhouse/Man cave and his plan was that the dog could sleep out there & be in there during the day this meaning no mess in the house! I didn’t agree this was a good plan, the dog hated being outside & so would just cry and my ex would not let him cry. I felt like we’d end up stuck with a lovely( expensive ) new house literally being ruined by his dog. The dog is nearly 13 & I feel it’s time to start thinking about letting him go.
So his response to me not agreeing was to say we won’t be moving till 2022 as he feels the dog has another 18 months! & I retaliated by saying that in 2021 I was moving with or without him ( I should not have said this but I was angry & fed up of our life being dictated by a dog)..
the following day I discussed with a friend & she said I should acknowledge he was trying to find a compromise and just go for it. So I messaged him at work and we chatted, I said I still had some concerns but if we could talk through those & agree some boundaries then I’d be open to the plan. He was really happy & we seemed to be back on track.
However unbeknown to me, in his anger, insecurity, whatever the previous night he’d messaged some former colleague via LinkedIn & started chatting to her 🤷♀️.. she’s 28! The next day he tells me he’s going for a drink after work the following week which I think is odd because A) he never goes out after work & B) he works in London which was in tier 2 at that point. I asked who with & he said ‘Dave’... claiming he was a former colleague that he’d not seen for years. Alarm bells rang but then he so affectionate & making short term- date night & long term- holiday in February plans with me I thought I was being paranoid. So I left it but at the weekend I asked him if he still intended to go & he said he was playing by ear but then did the classic liar action of over telling, he started going on about this David guy & that’s when I knew 100% he was lying. So, I’m not proud of this, I checked his phone. And my worst fears were confirmed. He was telling her she was very pretty, was looking forward to seeing her etc etc.
Are you still there? Do you need a comfort break?
I confronted him, firstly I tried to suggest it was just gut instinct that made me think he was lying. He denied it obvs, then he said ok it’s a women but she’s a friend but I thought you’d be weird about it, I’m not like that- I have coffee with male colleagues. So I had to admit to looking at his phone & then he broke down & admitting it but said it wasn’t cheating as they hadn’t had sex!
What happened next I’m unclear on as I think I was just so shocked. I tried to talk to him, he just kept trying to remove himself, finally he said he was going to go & walk the dog & I said well I won’t be here when you get back. I think he thought I was bluffing, I wasn’t. I packed a bag & left.
I knew he wouldn’t beg me to come back, it’s not his style. He’s told me this before. He had an awful childhood is is quite damaged & has developed coping methods which are frankly toxic. I was so angry that a few days later I got removal people to take all of my furniture in to storage. I sort of regret not taking a breather now.
Anyway, after all of this, after him telling me how sorry he is, how much he’s let me down etc etc he still went on the date! Because he said if we’re not together he may as well..
now the dust has settled, I know I wasn’t happy with our living situation & will never live in that house or with his dog again but I was open to maybe slowly recovering while living apart. This week we’ve been tentatively talking & had agreed to meet in a month. However I asked for complete honesty & he confessed he’d seen this girl a 2nd time & they’d had sex 😪. So that’s that. He says he has been unfaithful because we’re not together.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for here. Our time together had been more good than bad & I feel this incident is a reflection of the issues he has, but am I kidding myself? Should I just keep walking in opposite direction? I love him, I can’t help it but I also hate him for treating me so poor. I really do not deserve this. It feels like such a waste!
Thanks for taking the time to read xx