Break up nightmare

[Exfactor48]

Hi

This is a long one so if you have time grab a tea or better still a glass of wine & strap in! Thank you in advance for even bothering to read.
So firstly I’m older than most here, 45, I do have children but they’re grown up now.
2 years ago I started a new relationship with a seemingly lovely guy. As a whole it’s been wonderful but I have to admit I’ve made most of the concessions. Prior to living together we would alternate nights but then 7/8 months in his lodger left & as he has an elderly dog he was no longer able to stay at mine. So it was always me going to him which was a huge compromise because my house was nicer, cleaner, dog free etc! I was always rushing from one house to another & at times I did resent it. However we’d decided to move in together at Easter & as mine was rented I gave it up. We actually ended up bringing the move forward so we could lockdown together.
Our plan was to put his house on the market & buy a place together.
The transition was tough.
Lockdown- me working from home all the time, I’m struggling

Lockdown for him - still commuting in a very stressful environment
I’m going through the menopause & have lost my confidence completely
Trying to live together with very different living styles
Both wanting to be king of the castle at times.
The dog is now incontinent & SH*ts in the house most days (he recently started urinating too)! 🤢
We had some tough conversations & at one point I considered moving out again. However we pushed through & I kept focusing on the future, new house, no dog!
Hand on heart we weren’t arguing all the time, we’ve had 3 arguments since March. We disagree on things at times but generally sort quickly. We were not shouty, confrontational types.
Our move has been put on hold because we can’t move with an incontinent dog. We want open plan & the logistics of confining the mess wouldn’t work. So 2 weeks ago he told me he had a plan. In the new place he wants an outhouse/Man cave and his plan was that the dog could sleep out there & be in there during the day this meaning no mess in the house! I didn’t agree this was a good plan, the dog hated being outside & so would just cry and my ex would not let him cry. I felt like we’d end up stuck with a lovely( expensive ) new house literally being ruined by his dog. The dog is nearly 13 & I feel it’s time to start thinking about letting him go.
So his response to me not agreeing was to say we won’t be moving till 2022 as he feels the dog has another 18 months! & I retaliated by saying that in 2021 I was moving with or without him ( I should not have said this but I was angry & fed up of our life being dictated by a dog)..
the following day I discussed with a friend & she said I should acknowledge he was trying to find a compromise and just go for it. So I messaged him at work and we chatted, I said I still had some concerns but if we could talk through those & agree some boundaries then I’d be open to the plan. He was really happy & we seemed to be back on track.

However unbeknown to me, in his anger, insecurity, whatever the previous night he’d messaged some former colleague via LinkedIn & started chatting to her 🤷‍♀️.. she’s 28! The next day he tells me he’s going for a drink after work the following week which I think is odd because A) he never goes out after work & B) he works in London which was in tier 2 at that point. I asked who with & he said ‘Dave’... claiming he was a former colleague that he’d not seen for years. Alarm bells rang but then he so affectionate & making short term- date night & long term- holiday in February plans with me I thought I was being paranoid. So I left it but at the weekend I asked him if he still intended to go & he said he was playing by ear but then did the classic liar action of over telling, he started going on about this David guy & that’s when I knew 100% he was lying. So, I’m not proud of this, I checked his phone. And my worst fears were confirmed. He was telling her she was very pretty, was looking forward to seeing her etc etc.
Are you still there? Do you need a comfort break?
I confronted him, firstly I tried to suggest it was just gut instinct that made me think he was lying. He denied it obvs, then he said ok it’s a women but she’s a friend but I thought you’d be weird about it, I’m not like that- I have coffee with male colleagues. So I had to admit to looking at his phone & then he broke down & admitting it but said it wasn’t cheating as they hadn’t had sex!
What happened next I’m unclear on as I think I was just so shocked. I tried to talk to him, he just kept trying to remove himself, finally he said he was going to go & walk the dog & I said well I won’t be here when you get back. I think he thought I was bluffing, I wasn’t. I packed a bag & left.
I knew he wouldn’t beg me to come back, it’s not his style. He’s told me this before. He had an awful childhood is is quite damaged & has developed coping methods which are frankly toxic. I was so angry that a few days later I got removal people to take all of my furniture in to storage. I sort of regret not taking a breather now.

Anyway, after all of this, after him telling me how sorry he is, how much he’s let me down etc etc he still went on the date! Because he said if we’re not together he may as well..
now the dust has settled, I know I wasn’t happy with our living situation & will never live in that house or with his dog again but I was open to maybe slowly recovering while living apart. This week we’ve been tentatively talking & had agreed to meet in a month. However I asked for complete honesty & he confessed he’d seen this girl a 2nd time & they’d had sex 😪. So that’s that. He says he has been unfaithful because we’re not together.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for here. Our time together had been more good than bad & I feel this incident is a reflection of the issues he has, but am I kidding myself? Should I just keep walking in opposite direction? I love him, I can’t help it but I also hate him for treating me so poor. I really do not deserve this. It feels like such a waste!
Thanks for taking the time to read xx

People are bonkers. You had a disagreement, his go to was to contact another woman. He would have gone on to cheat so as others have said you’ve had a lucky escape.

I love my cats but if one was ill & started shitting and pissing everywhere there is no way I could handle the smell and it ruining carpets and soft furnishings. Some posters have either an incredibly high tolerance for those smells or are very unhygienic.

@Bluntness100

Are you a vegetarian? Or is just woof woof animals you prize highly? The rest are disposable I assume?

Maybe when the Op ate the steak and chips it was over. That cow coulda lived with them.

Not nice to tell him to let the dog go but he sounds like a piece of shit talking to her as soon as you hit a rocky patch and then lying about it. He’s a deceitful person-run!

I'm with Bluntness 100.

You deserve better, move on

He clearly doesn't love the dog that much if he leaves it for 12 hours a day and doesn't bother taking it to the vet for its incontinence issues....

But don't let the facts stop you from vilifying the op guys. Clearly some very bored and frustrated people on MN today.

@Userzzz

Not nice to tell him to let the dog go but he sounds like a piece of shit talking to her as soon as you hit a rocky patch and then lying about it. He’s a deceitful person-run!

Can I just say again, that when we had the conversation that led to this point I didn’t tell him to let the dog go, I didn’t say anything of the sort. I was merely saying for the benefit of the thread that he does need to ‘start’ thinking that way because he’s in complete denial. It would be a miracle if the dog was here in 2022! Him & I have previously had conversations about the dogs quality of life and I was always very careful but also honest. The dogs quality of life is rapidly declining. Unlike humans you get to give dogs the final act of kindness. Having watched my dad waste away to 4.5 stone, I wish we could do that for all loved ones. What I should not have said was that I would push ahead with or without him next year. Heat of the moment, I apologised the next day. Im not replying to anymore of these responses. I appreciate everyone taking the time out of their day to reply. Even if I don’t agree with some of you I respect your view. Take care, stay well x

@FFS123

I think you have been incredibly cruel about the dog. The bloke clearly doesn't want it crapping everywhere either but he cant kill it if he thinks it has some good life left. If he put the dog down because of your moaning he wouldnt be able to forgive himself later anyway. You are incredibly heartless. If your in a relationship it should have been a joint discussion about the dog and you should have been supporting him in an awful time for him and the dog. Deciding when to put to sleep is an awful decision.

The affairs a different thing but I would have left you long before he did because of your lack of compassion.

100xthis

I have never heard such rubbish spouted on here and talk about obtuse!

Op didn't say - put that dog to sleep or I'm off. It was more than likely a conversation in which he said something about the dog, reply by op, he said something else and she gently said about maybe it was time given what the vet had said.

Ya know like normal people. I have had to have my elderly dog pts and it was heart breaking. I was accused of her becoming inconvenient and suiting me to get rid of her. When I took her, the vet said that she had been alive long enough and as her quality of life was so bad, it was the kindest thing.

I cried more than when my husband left but I still stand by the decision.

I know this doesn't help with you DP problem, but I'm so cross at how daft posters are being about this towards you.

If it was just the house and living situation I'd say you could have come to some sort of agreement.

This other girl, the lies and then sleeping with her anyway would be a no for me. It's hard but you need to move on.

You're mourning what you had before it all, but I don't think it would ever be the same if you went back.

Take care x

He was so cut up by losing you he instantly want & shagged another woman.
He doesn't care at all

I think you may be sad about the loss of relationship potential, rather than the relationship.
The loss was the fantasy of what it could be, the house, getting old together, security and companionship.

In reality he strung you along and fucked someone else.

What have you really lost?

Find a new place, focus on you, don't waste any more of your your time and commitment and emotion on this downer.

I would tell him to bugger off and take his shitty dog with him.. move on!

@Bluntness100

Gosh, honestly if you’d suggested killing my dog because it’s in continent I’d have ended it immediately.

I think he’s the one who should keep running op.

100% THIS!!

OP it is horrible the way you speak about his dog, heartless and cruel - I think he (and the dog) have had a lucky escape.

Despite all the relationship problems, and the mans sex with another woman, I would be concerned about the oldish dog,if it was in some great discomfort and pain, and maybe being a very unhappy dog now.

"OP it is horrible the way you speak about his dog, heartless and cruel - I think he (and the dog) have had a lucky escape."

Which bit is horrible? The bit where she said she cares for the dog all day while he's out? The bit where she suggested the dog sees a vet? The bit where she said they should 'maybe start thinking about' doing an old clearly unwell dog the ultimate kindness?

I can't believe how bonkers some of you are. You've totally reinterpreted what the op has said. It's not like she's gave him an ultimatum 'euthanise the dog or we're over.' She just wants him to face up to the issues. She sounds a lot more responsible and caring than the actual owner who is ignoring the poor dog and spending his time shagging around.

“I think you may be sad about the loss of relationship potential, rather than the relationship.
The loss was the fantasy of what it could be, the house, getting old together, security and companionship.

In reality he strung you along and fucked someone else.” This from @Onacleardayyoucansee

Also people are being bizarre about the dog. The dog’s ill, making a disgusting mess, going to be alone a lot more now op isn’t around. This is not a healthy dog!

Which bit is horrible?

OP's entire opening post is horrible about the dog - it just drips with cruel contempt for this poor creature: preferring her house because it's "dog free", looking forward to a future with "no dog", complains that her life is "dictated by a dog" etc.

OP you should run thefuck away. he shagged someone else when he was pissed at you?

you sound like you want to live the fairytale and get back with him?

fuck that

and get an STI check

@DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour I don't know one single person who would be happy about a dog pissing and shitting in their house everyday. I have dogs who I love dearly and I would hate it. If it's someone else's dog that you don't even have an emotional attachment to it would be even more difficult to cope with. I think it's perfectly natural for her to be frustrated and I don't think her OP was cruel at all, just factual.

But the main point here is that she has repeatedly said that she didn't tell him to 'get rid' of the dog. She has been the one caring for the poor thing and trying to convince her partner to see a vet. How exactly is she in the wrong? The actual owner of the dog needs to take some responsibility and act in the interests of the animal. It may be able to have treatment that makes life easier for everyone or it might be kinder to PTS. But burying his head in the sand, going out all day, leaving the dog in the care of someone else and expecting them to pick up after it really isn't the answer is it.

Some of the comments here are utterly batshit.

i'm guessing his lodger babysat the dog previously so he could visit your place?
When his lodger moved out - it made more sense to move YOU in to be a free dogsitter and 'glorified' lodger helping him pay his bills.

If you hadn't moved in - who was going to look after the dog whilst he was at work????

That dog sounds really ill and needs extra care, euthanasia if his distress is leaving him without any quality of life.

I saw the info about the dog as more of a backstory to their disagreement, not the main point of the OP.

If the ex found OPs attitude towards his dog unacceptable there are better ways to address that other than flirting with and ultimately shagging "Dave" from work.

It can be argued that they were not together when he slept with someone else, but he definitely put in the groundwork whilst he was still in a relationship. If that's his response to an argument, whatever the subject matter, best he showed his colours now than further down the line. Makes for a cleaner break.

This thread is an excellent reminder to take advice from internet strangers with a pinch of salt. And to be very wary.

Some peoole on here are batshit.

OP, he has treated you very badly and you will recover from the heartbreak. It will take time but you do realise that this man would not have treated you well or with respect. You have had a lucky escape.