Am I being selfish? Should I stay for the kids?

[mummyof2lou]

Spent this morning driving myself crazy reading articles such as this one on the effects of divorce on children. Terrifying me, as there's truth in every point, but who knows how your children are affected until it happens?

I'm very nearly separated, but we haven't told the DCs yet, and now wondering if I'm being selfish? No arguments, no abuse, nice life, just affection issues/no spark. He would stay, so this is all on me. We're so far down the road, and I have literally days to stop it, or it's too late. I don't know what to do. Do I stay for everyone's financial and emotional security? Do I leave and risk life being difficult in many other ways and have this guilt over me? I may find happiness in passion and spark, but is it worth it at this cost?

www.verywellfamily.com/children-of-divorce-in-america-statistics-1270390

Never stay for the kids. No matter how hard you try and pretend they won't know, they always do. Also you deserve more than to linger in a relationship that's run its course. [hugs]

Is there anything he could do or change about himself to change your mind?

Would couples counselling help....or is it specifically how you feel about him?l in terms of attraction?

I'm on the fence with this when it's a marriage with a missing 'spark'. I'm not convinced a 'spark' stays in many marriages.

What have you done to improve your marriage? I think if you leave but feel you did what you could to improve the marriage and it didn't work then you can leave without regret.

I was in the same situation 4 years ago, and just like you I stayed another year for my DC.
I tried to convince myself that I should stay for the DC and because DH would be devastated.

I left a year later, what I'm trying to say is if you're really unhappy then you can't stay, your DC will pick up on this. How old are they? Mine were 5/6 when we split. How does your DH feel, is he fighting for you to stay?

As a child of divorced parents and am divorced with two children myself I would absolutely question what you are doing.

Children are negatively affected by divorce and it should only be considered if there is abuse in my opinion.

I would consider marriage counselling. Long term relationships and parenthood can mean a spark can go out - but think back to when you were first in love. Why were you in love with him then and less so now ? I don't know what you have tried already but I would urge you to make that extra effort now so you know you have done everything to make it work.

Are you planning on leaving and being the non-resident parent?

If you changed your mind would he want you to stay or is it too late?

I couldn’t stay for the kids; yes there’s research out there about divorce but what about the kids growing up in a house where the parents don’t love each other? I couldn’t have my kids thinking that was a normal relationship and copying it as adults.
Also I think that if I stayed in a relationship where I didn’t love the other person and my needs weren’t me emotionally I’d eventually end up meeting someone who did meet those needs and that would be far more painful overall. From another perspective if you don’t love your DH then he should have a chance to meet someone who does love him.

Seems a shame for you to split. Things do get jaded over time. Do you still love him even though you feel you’ve lost the spark? Could you add a spark by taking counselling and reinvigorating your sex life?

Having said that I’m divorced and I don’t feel my kids have suffered.

I think the impact of a mother leaving her children is immense and I would never have done that to my children. Why are you leaving?

Thank you all for your comments.

@ickabog I feel like that often, but I consider the alternative and wonder how a split life would feel even if I did have a new relationship, one weekend with the kids, an entirely different life the next weekend.

@SandyY2K we did counselling but I didn't find it helpful. It can't bring the spark and attraction back. He's always been lacking in affection, intimacy, compliments. He said he will change that but I don't believe it when I know it's been forced

@disfordarkchocolate yes I agree, perhaps it would feel like this with anyone after all these years. But i look at other marriages that still have that, despite the daily grind of life

@TheAlienist I worry about that too, staying and feeling regretful. Do you think you made the right decision. How hard has it been for you all? My DCs are 10 and 12. He would stay without question, says he loves me etc

@ItsReallyOnlyMe in your experience what have been the negative effects? I'm also a child of divorced parents. I don't feel hugely effected but I was 16 when they separated so perhaps old enough not to be

@StopGo the children would stay with me. Yes he'd want to stay, he feels like he's losing everything. Makes me feel awful

@user1493413286 yes I worry about being tempted elsewhere down the line, but I guess if I decide to stay I'll have all this indecision in my head and know how awful this year has been and not want to repeat that. I also worry about the kids thinking this is a relationship model to repeat, but do kids even notice lack of affection? They never see us being affectionate

@HollowTalk I won't be leaving the children. I meant leaving the marriage. They will still live with me. I couldn't even contemplate leaving them, no way

Bare in mind that the findings in studies aren't about the difference between children of parents who decide to separate or stay for them. They're the difference between children of separated parents and parents who are together. That includes parents who are blissfully happy. So you're kids don't either do well or not do well if you divorce rather than stay for them. They could be much worse off if you stay and are unhappy. You just don't know and have to do what you think is right for you all.

I’m with previous posters who say sparks can go out in long term relationships especially with kids. I think this can be worked on and takes a lot of time and effort from both parties, and both parties have to want it to work.

It sounds to me like you’ve already checked out.

This whole idea of ‘you deserve more’ etc etc is really, IMO, quite an immature attitude (in cases where there is no abuse or other significant issues). It is not just about you. It is about your spouse who has an entire life built around you and children who have no control in this situation but you are going to tear their world apart because you are bored?

If you speak to many old couples who have been together decades most will tell you they went through very tough patches but they worked on it they didn’t walk away. As I said earlier though, you have to want it to work.

“I won't be leaving the children. I meant leaving the marriage. They will still live with me. I couldn't even contemplate leaving them, no way.”

I hope your DH doesn’t feel as strongly as this about not being able to live with his kids, since it’s happening to him whether he contemplates it or not.

Not a reason to stay, but I hope you absolutely bend over backwards to facilitate him seeing his kids whenever he wants. Don’t move an hours drive away or anything.

@WorldsSmallestGiant he absolutely does feel this strongly about living apart from them. I'm sure it's his main driver to want to stay in a marriage where he know his wife doesn't feel the same. We both plan to stay local, but it's a huge financial burden to do so as it's a very expensive area. I'd never restrict him seeing them, and I already feel huge guilt about the fact he won't see them every morning and every bedtime. The guilt is awful

It depends can you manage to tick along be friends, manage a way to rub along together ? Or will you be so resentful and seething that it will make for a horrible atmosphere?
I do believe the spark goes in a lot of relationships if you have kindness and friendship they are worth an awful lot.
I'm divorced it was an abusive and controlling marriage so it was the right thing , but it's hard , it can be really hard !
Divorce is generally painful and impacts everyone , for me it was worth it and was the best thing for the kids and me no doubt but it's a huge decision if you can avoid it and find a way to live happily do that , only you know if you can ,

@mummyof2lou I think they do notice; I remember my parents being affectionate and looking back I always felt they loved each other. I also believe that children pick up on far more than we give them credit for. I also know people as adults where their parents stayed together for them and it’s quite a burden to carry when they see how much happier their parent is after separating

It's an unpopular opinion I'm sure but if you feel the spark has gone abs you want more passion etc you should leave the family home to seek that. To say it's your DH who leaves and sees less of the children is massively unfair. It's you that's breaking up the family so you should live with the consequence of less time with the children

If you want your children to learn that they have to live a lie when they are unhappy for other people then stay together.

I feel too many of us expect the ideal marriage where the couple stay madly in love whilst still coping with the kids, domestic life etc. It is an ideal but really not that common. Whichever way you do it the children will be adversely affected. I have to say I tend to agree with @1940s, you're the one who is dissatisfied with the relationship so why shouldn't your husband be the one to be the resident parent? It sounds like you are an empathetic person so I'd listen to your feelings of doubt.
I can totally understand your feelings regarding your marriage, it happened to me but I'm so glad I ploughed on through for the sake of my now ACs and subsequent DGC. All the very best

I don’t think you will ever know whether it will be right or wrong for you or your family. You can’t try both routes then make a choice.
I do think today we are surrounded by the carefully manicured perfect relationships that consist of the “right” balance of romance, passion and everyday life. Before social media we only glimpsed at someone’s relationship and judged by our own experience that we put on a show when in public. You never knew what went on behind closed doors. Now the world and his wife plays out their picture perfect life on Instagram or FB.
The passion and spark are the things that bring partners together, the brain produces the chemicals to bond us while we carry out our biological function. We don’t have much control over this and it would be exhausting if our brains continued to produce these chemicals throughout life.
The trouble with the classic life plan - marriage then children - is that it does lead to stability and contentment in most relationships.
You either accept that you are moving onto a plateau of stability while raising children or you opt out to start the cycle again.

I'm quite shocked by some of these replies. Divorce affects kids negatively when there's a lot of open animosity between the parents. It's not because they're separating. It's an awful example to set them, no wonder so many people end up reproducing miserable loveless relationships.
The BEST thing you can do for your kids is to give them happy parents who respect each other and them. And if that's separately, then that's how it has to be. It's awful to make them think that they also need to sacrifice their wellbeing and happiness later in life if they're no longer happy in a relationship. I've worked on a lot of social studies research projects and a hell of a lot of them are funded by dodgy outfits with agendas so also don't always trust these "studies".

I don't think statistics or anyone's experiences on here can tell you what to do. It sounds like you've made up your mind anyway. It is surely natural to feel guilty and have doubts over the unknown future.

I believe in following your gut. The decision could be "wrong" - for you, your children and husband - but if you follow your instincts, hopefully you won't have cause to regret it. You say you've already tried to work on things - if there's no more you can do, you have no need to reproach yourself.

It's not really about the 'spark' being gone. I'm sure a lot of marriages lose that (and sometimes, perhaps regain it.) You can live with that if overall your life feels right and the partnership works in a way that suits you. If it doesn't, it doesn't. If you're thinking that way, then that's your gut telling you to move on.

I'm down the line from where you are now
It's not black and white, I miss seeing them all the time (50:50) I miss the unit, I miss him being here
Would I go back to being unhappy so that the kids may be happier than if we hadn't of split - 100% no
Yes it's in a way selfish but my kids are in many ways better off - don't have to listen to us disagreeing or being stressed with each other, we are both calmer and have more time to live our lives and not be tied down to this unit of life that people hail as the gold standard.
Also the time I spend with the kids now is much better quality - I'm present and engaged and make it count.
It seems to me some people can't bear the fact that actually on balance some families can be happier apart because then there will be an awful lot of people who didn't do what they secretly wanted to do and congratulate themselves on sticking with it.
It is a much braver decision to take action than let life carry you along with the status quo.
Good luck