Am I being selfish? Should I stay for the kids?

[mummyof2lou]

Spent this morning driving myself crazy reading articles such as this one on the effects of divorce on children. Terrifying me, as there's truth in every point, but who knows how your children are affected until it happens?

I'm very nearly separated, but we haven't told the DCs yet, and now wondering if I'm being selfish? No arguments, no abuse, nice life, just affection issues/no spark. He would stay, so this is all on me. We're so far down the road, and I have literally days to stop it, or it's too late. I don't know what to do. Do I stay for everyone's financial and emotional security? Do I leave and risk life being difficult in many other ways and have this guilt over me? I may find happiness in passion and spark, but is it worth it at this cost?

www.verywellfamily.com/children-of-divorce-in-america-statistics-1270390

@BreathlessCommotion 'I'm in a similar situation, although there has been emotional abuse. But I still waver. Even though I know that if someone gave me loads of money I would use it to buy him out of the house so he would leave. I'd even buy him a house somewhere if I could!

As to him having another relationship, I'd be so happy for him. I used to hope he might have an affair! The thought of him with someone else doesn't bother me in the slightest.'. This is me too. Except I'm still hoping he'll have an affair or just walk out or do something unforgiveable. Emotional abuse doesn't make the seperating decision any easier.

When I read your post OP I was very much thinking you should leave, you deserve to be happy. But I get the struggle because when I look at my situation, I waver, I don't want to not see my kids everyday, I don't want H to not see his kids everyday too. The fact he's gaslit me, made me feel scared, destroyed my self esteem, none of that seems to count in my mind as a good enough reason to leave. If some diety gave me permission to leave I'd be relieved and happy. If we won loto and had enough for 2 homes I'd leave. If he announced he'd had an affair I'd go straight to we're done and splitting up, I'd do it happily, especially if it was ongoing so he had somewhere else to go. It's hard to find the courage to be the person who says that it's over when you have kids.

@AlreadyGone44
It is hard, yet I thought once I'd made that decision and communicated it, it would be the hardest bit. It's not at all. It was like the fantasy of leaving, now it's becoming a reality I feel like my security and stability is being pulled from beneath me. I don't think I credited it with as much value as I realise it now has. I know we'd all be ok eventually, but I don't just want us to be ok, just about making it work financially in two homes. I want us to be happy and have the financial freedom and family stability we have now, not just all surviving emotionally and financially. It's trading one set of problems for another. I may find happiness long term, but that person will always be the 3rd party to my family, stability, finances etc. They won't share the desire to put my kids first in all those ways.

In your situation I feel it's clearer, as he's put you through some awful things by the sounds of it. You should never feel scared in your own home, ever.

[quote mummyof2lou]@chopc yes I do agree in part, but when we say those vows we have no idea how life will be years and years down the line. I meant every word at the time, most people do. Trust me if I could regain a spark I would. If I stay, it will just be for the kids, it won't be with any illusion of spark. I would have to be content with a friendship and kindness etc. Which I realise are more than most have.

The children will stay with me as we think that's best. I was the one who gave up work to bring them up, I work part time around them. He works full time. Plus, maybe unpopular, but I think they should stay with their Mum. If the decision was go and leave them, I would stay without any doubt. Maybe an outdated view, but then so is the gender pay gap and the fact I am in a lesser job due to the sacrifices I made for their early years care, while his career continued, so fair enough in my book. Coparenting can be achieved without 50/50.[/quote]
You'll be lucky if he maintains this view on residency. He's agreed to move out, and let you have the children more than 50%? I'd consider that a very fortunate position. 50/50 is the expected starting point regardless of who has previously done what with childcare, to the detriment of many children (in my opinion).

If you're certain about separation, get a solicitor ASAP. Frankly, he should too.

Divorce is messy and painful. Sorry to be blunt but if you are at all conflicted (and no abuse involved), have more counselling before pulling the plug.

I know of many many separated/divorced couples and only one has 50/50 so no that's not the starting point at all.

@Fudgsicles

I know of many many separated/divorced couples and only one has 50/50 so no that's not the starting point at all.

I suppose it depends on whether your considering the "starting point" to also be the norm. At this stage, no , it isn't the norm. But its becoming increasingly popular.

I, personally, have the kids 45% of the time to my ex's 55% so not quite 50:50, mainly because I work full time and she doesn't (at this point). My ex wanted me to do every other weekend only at first, but I pushed for 40:60 - I've always been very involved in taking care of them so wasn't happy to effectively be pushed out of their lives and we live near each other anyway. That said, I was also very sensitive to their needs. We monitored things closely for the first year, in case it was upsetting. It's turned out quite the opposite. They're not only comfortable with it, but say they actually prefer it, to the extent we've inched the share closer to 50:50. If my ex ever gets a full time job and doesn't feel she needs the Child Benefit payments, I daresay we might get there in the end anyway.

Just to add: both are also school age, which makes things infinitely easier. Working full time, I'm not sure I'd have pushed for such a percentage otherwise. Work are also very flexible and understanding regarding school runs so I can work bespoke hours.

Just goes to show how different people's experiences can be. I know many divorced people, myself included, and all but 1 have 50/50 or near enough.

I worked part time before divorce, did 100% of school pick ups/drop offs, plus all weekends and evenings of course, but was told by my solicitor to go full time at work and not ask for more than 50/50. I wish I'd been advised differently.

It's totally understandable to be conflicted op, it's a massive decision. My marriage sounds very similar to yours with the lack of interest from the male side. I thought I could cope with it, turns out I couldn't and our eldest with extra needs was probably the straw that broke the camel's back. But, like you say about your h, mine is a great dad and they're lovely kids. And regret is useless.

The dc are okay I'd say. We duplicate most stuff so it's just special toys and shoes which get moved between houses in a big box (which exh and I take responsibility for sorting as most changeover days are at school). I also closely monitored their wellbeing since the split, and our current pattern of week on week off was actually at the request of dd. It seems to be working really well for all.

As for whether kids notice loveless marriages? Well my parents split when I went to uni, not unsurprisingly by that point. I don't have any particular feelings about whether they should have done it sooner, but I did recreate their marriage with my own... A realisation which also helped me decide to end it, while the dc were still young. I have also decided not to blend in the future.

I would say ultimately you'll stay until you can't any longer. Then you'll know

Thanks @Misty9. How old are your children? Did your H agree to splitting?

Kids are 6 and 9 now, and were 5 and 7 when we split. Exh did agree to split yes but I don't think he would have ever pulled the trigger. We'd had loads of counselling and things just weren't changing.

Does your husband think he can live with someone who does not love him?

I think people views on this are coloured by their own experiences to a huge extent, either as children or adults, hence the range of replies you have received OP.

There can be huge damage done to children by divorce. This depends on many factors: personalities, ages, the way it is explained and managed, subsequent co-parenting, whether they are adequately provided for financially.

The study you link did not and could not possibly split results by these confounding factors or control for them, so the impact on your own DC will very much depend on how you and your husband manage this, together. If you decide to do it.

I do not think personal experiences help much here because each situation is so different and it is mainly the effects of divorce that I listed above that impact children, rather than the divorce itself. In the long term at least. Not all apply in each case and they apply to different degrees. I could tell you my experiences but they are of no more relevance that those at a population level average, probably less so.

You sound very unhappy and my suggestion would be you get counselling yourself, not as a couple, to talk through all of your feelings and worries and then make the choice. Nobody can tell you whether it is right for your situation or not. You need space to think it through and decide.