Am I being selfish? Should I stay for the kids?

[mummyof2lou]

Spent this morning driving myself crazy reading articles such as this one on the effects of divorce on children. Terrifying me, as there's truth in every point, but who knows how your children are affected until it happens?

I'm very nearly separated, but we haven't told the DCs yet, and now wondering if I'm being selfish? No arguments, no abuse, nice life, just affection issues/no spark. He would stay, so this is all on me. We're so far down the road, and I have literally days to stop it, or it's too late. I don't know what to do. Do I stay for everyone's financial and emotional security? Do I leave and risk life being difficult in many other ways and have this guilt over me? I may find happiness in passion and spark, but is it worth it at this cost?

www.verywellfamily.com/children-of-divorce-in-america-statistics-1270390

I'm 39 (mid life crisis territory I'm sure!)

@mummyof2lou

I'm 39 (mid life crisis territory I'm sure!)

Don't do yourself down for all the virtue signallers on this thread, you've clearly been working on this for some time and it would seem you're not taking the decision lightly - you've come here it feels like for some final validation as it's such a big step.

Your family life sounds pretty sad to me, and I think staying world be at the detriment of your own mental wellbeing, not to mention what your kids make of it.

I’m nearly a decade older @mummyof2lou and a lot of my stuff is regret regarding time running out.

It’s still really really hard isn’t it. It’s like a need a crystal ball to see that if will turn out ok for us in the end up ...

And that I won’t bitterly regret disrupting everyone’s lives and causing pain.

I do think a lot of people settle for a life that is very lacking in its most basic needs of love & intimacy. If I’m very honest I just don’t Iove my DH. I like his a friend - sometimes. But even then I wouldn’t really seek out his company if I had a choice tbh. There are other people I have much much more to say to etc.

Have you read Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay? There’s quite a good online summary of the diagnostic questions if you don’t have time to read. Comes up on google.

Yes I read that book in a few days, a lot of it seemed irrelevant but there were a few key points. Didn't give me the clear answer I was hoping for though

'It’s still really really hard isn’t it. It’s like a need a crystal ball to see that if will turn out ok for us in the end up ...

And that I won’t bitterly regret disrupting everyone’s lives and causing pain.'

@HaggisBurger....this exactly

@mummyof2lou

Yes I read that book in a few days, a lot of it seemed irrelevant but there were a few key points. Didn't give me the clear answer I was hoping for though

Yup. A lot didn’t apply to me either @mummyof2lou. One thing did stand out to me tho - something along the lines of “when your relationship was at its best - was it what you’d like for now”. For me, my relationship was always safe, friendship based with pretty rubbish & infrequent sex. Also the one about - if there was some big omnipotent power out there and he gave you permission to leave - would you feel relief. In my case, extreme relief.

It’s so hard isn’t it. I’m not as far down the road as you and every so often I think I’ve found certainty to proceed only to become fearful again. But I think it will happen eventually. Actually sooner than that really. Wishing you luck - but I think in your heart of hearts you know you deserve more.

Oh @HaggisBurger they were the exact bits of the book that resonated with me too, so I really understand. The question on 'when your relationship was it's best'...my first thought was when DC1 was born. And then I realised that was because sex was the furthest thing from my mind when pregnant, so for once that didn't matter. And my 2nd thought was our honeymoon. An amazing trip of a lifetime, but on that trip I remember being disappointed on the lack of affection, romance and sex, on what should be the most romantic trip.

I do think I deserve more romance, affection etc, but i'll never find anyone who puts me or the kids first like he does. That's a sad reality.

It's a rough journey, expect plenty more fears along the way, and conflicting emotions. I've never cried so often in all my life, or slept so badly

I left a very similar sounding marriage about 18 months ago. No abuse, just a fairly disinterested husband and no sex. In hindsight, I'm not sure he ever really found me attractive. But hey. I instigated the split but we both agreed we'd reached the end of the road, but I moved out and we now share the care of dc 50 50. They were 5 and 8 at the time.

I won't lie, I still sometimes question if it was the right thing to do. But I think deep down I know it was. I was so unhappy and felt I was disappearing. And the dynamics in our family of 4 were not healthy for the kids. Now I'm a single parent, albeit only half the time, I can actually enjoy parenting for the first time. It's been bloody hard and the kids have had their ups and downs. But we have a nice little family now, just us, and I've just bought a house and made it into our home. Their home2.

The only thing I regret now is not having had children with a man I wanted to be with forever. And yes yes to the pp who said be prepared to remain single because serious relationships are complicated after divorce. I've got a new partner but he's got kids too and the logistics are not easy!

What does your gut say? I did a pros and cons matrix before leaving and when I found it again a few months ago, I was right on most things. But I would still do it again.

Good luck

I'm in a similar situation, although there has been emotional abuse. But I still waver. Even though I know that if someone gave me loads of money I would use it to buy him out of the house so he would leave. I'd even buy him a house somewhere if I could!

As to him having another relationship, I'd be so happy for him. I used to hope he might have an affair! The thought of him with someone else doesn't bother me in the slightest.

But I know it will be hard. Follow you gut, I know people who's parents stayed together for the kids and they don't thank them for it. I want my children to witness helathy, loving relationships.

I wish my gut would make up its mind. Last night I was sure that however hard, this was the right thing to do. This morning I've woken up all teary and can't bear the thought of watching the children pack bags every time they go to their Dads. It's not what I wanted for them, I'm sure it's not what they'd choose either.

You get two sets of everything, so hardly any packing. I asked a lot of my friends if they didn't have the kids to worry about would they still be with their dh. They all said aboslutely yes. My answer would be no. Its the only reason I am still here.

They will be sad, but it will pass and they will be fine. Mine are 11 and 8 and I just wish I'd done it when they were younger.

Mental health wise I'm a mess, and my parents are very much in love and still together 40+ years later. It isn't a guarantee of not being messed up. You deserve to be happy.

@BreathlessCommotion do you feel your mental health is a mess because you haven't left, or because you're undecided? I think it's the thought of telling them too, and seeing first hand the upset you've caused. It goes against what we do as parents

Partly. I certainly don't think my mental health has been helped by staying so long. I first thought of leaving 10 years ago, so it has been sitting with me for years.

I have a diagnosed mental health condition- what I meant was, that was despite my parents being very happy.

There are no studies about children raised in loveless marriages. You are role models to your children. The best thing you can both do is be your best selves and clearly this is not happening while you are together. Don’t you want big love in your life? You need to teach your children what it means to be in a healthy relationship. One with passion and communication, one where you deeply care about the others success and support each other in failure. Staying in a loveless marriage just builds resentment and regrets. My parents separated when I was 8, it was painful. But the most damaging thing was there was no honest discussion about any of it. Just lots of pretending everything was ok.

Live the life your would want for your children. Lead by example

PLEASE don't stay for your kids. Would you want your kids to one day do that for their own?

I grew up in a family where my mum would have done ANYTHING to make the marriage work - what I learnt was aboud sadness, suffering, loss of love - I saw her humilated in my eyes.

I want my children to believe that happiness does not exist in 'marriage' it exists in your heart, in having healthy relationships - we don't need our partners to make us happy

be a good divorced couple and your children will grow up to believe in themselves

Do you not fancy him anymore?

Do you have anything in common? Is he a good friend to you? Do you enjoy doing things together?

Spark comes and goes hence my questions.

Ive just read through a lot of the replies about acceptance of a lack of spark. Sure, things aren’t the same as the start, but deeply committed loving relationships go beyond a spark. Everyone deserves a chance to find this.

I stayed for the kids, 10 years after I had had enough but decided for everyone's benefit I would stay he left me - as it happened I'm fine, great new relationship but it's hard being single in middle age and no child maintenance because they are grown (I couldn't work full time because of DD's sn and exh's all encompassing job).

Don't put your life on hold, just don't rush it either - we did amicably separate in the end but it would in retrospect have been easier years ago

"Sparks" vanish if left untended, that's just the nature of human relationships. So the real issue is the other stuff. Why isn't it being tended to?

Putting abusive relationships aside, there's a massive difference between a partnership that has serious problems functioning and one that just doesn't feel like the Honeymoon period anymore. The first is the experience of the woman who faces barriers to communication and intimacy and/or overlooked red flags when they got together. The latter is the excuse of the Middle-aged guy who dumps his hard-working wife for the secretary half his age. Only you can say where your relationship lies on this scale.

@Whocutdownthecherrytree Don’t you want big love in your life?

What is "big" love anyway? Butterflies in the tummy for ever more? A "spark" that once ignited burns bright for time eternal, needing no effort on the part of either partner? Bollocks. Big love always dies down to a smoulder and that really shouldn't be a problem if your someone who appreciates deep intimacy.

@Whocutdownthecherrytree

Ive just read through a lot of the replies about acceptance of a lack of spark. Sure, things aren’t the same as the start, but deeply committed loving relationships go beyond a spark. Everyone deserves a chance to find this.

Apologies, @Whocutdownthecherrytree - hadn't read this when I posted. I think we're in agreement.

I'm over a year down the line from a seperation now and as time went on, I was more and more sure in my decision and less and less guilty as I knew it was for the best.
My kids are all coping really well and my exdh and I have both agreed to get on for kids.
It does get easier and last September I was lost in absolute chaos, now I'm so contented in my decision.
As others say follow your gut here. You can only fake it foor so long, it's not fair on your dh either, you both deserve happiness. You only get one shot at this life!!

Your kids deserve more then parents that "stay together for the kids'.

Much much more

If you are leaving the marriage , why do you assume the kids will stay with you? Why shouldn't it be 50:50 or your DH have custody?