Am I being selfish? Should I stay for the kids?

[mummyof2lou]

Spent this morning driving myself crazy reading articles such as this one on the effects of divorce on children. Terrifying me, as there's truth in every point, but who knows how your children are affected until it happens?

I'm very nearly separated, but we haven't told the DCs yet, and now wondering if I'm being selfish? No arguments, no abuse, nice life, just affection issues/no spark. He would stay, so this is all on me. We're so far down the road, and I have literally days to stop it, or it's too late. I don't know what to do. Do I stay for everyone's financial and emotional security? Do I leave and risk life being difficult in many other ways and have this guilt over me? I may find happiness in passion and spark, but is it worth it at this cost?

www.verywellfamily.com/children-of-divorce-in-america-statistics-1270390

It's been hard, but mainly because my ex DH just didn't want the split. I've had a hard few years off him, and I still feel bad that I hurt him so badly.
Would I do it all again if I was faced with the same decision? Absolutely.

I'm happier now and we have 50/50 custody, he is starting to move on with his life, very slowly. As another poster says, you make your time with your kids count.
My kids were a lot younger than yours so the transition was probably easier, they have been told all along they're loved and the split was nothing to do with them.
Yours are at a more delicate age, but be honest and truthful and talk to them.

If you want to PM I'm happy to talk more or on here. What I would say is you have to be 100%, it is a massive thing to do.

X

@tenendupinitaly so much of what you said I can imagine. So many weekends I just do my own thing or house jobs etc. If I had EOW with the DCs I'd make that time count instead. I think your point about gold standard is very true.

@TheAlienist I feel our situations are very similar. The delicate age really worries me though. And the fact I don't think I'll ever be 100% until after the event, by which point it's too late. I wish he was in agreement with me

@mummyof2lou I’m in an almost identical situation though 4 kids a little older. I’ve been feeling this for a number of years and acutely in the last year. A lot of it, for me, comes down to giving myself permission to want something more (tho there are no guarantees of that at all - and I need to be ok with that).

One thing I really struggle with is reading these boards and the utterly horrendous emotional and physical that women endure in relationships. And thinking I should be so thankful in many ways for what I’ve got. The old chestnut of it not being bad enough.

I’ve done a significant amount of work over the last year on both myself and in couples therapy. I feel like I’ve tried. We’ve both tried in fairness to my partner. But I come back to the idea that if I stay, I’ll either leave in a year or two. Or just look back in my old age and regret not taking that leap. I’ve take safe, secure, people-pleasing routes my whole life. Maybe I’ll be brave enough to change that path? Good luck @mummyof2lou

I do know adults whose parents stayed together “for them” and it’s left a big legacy of resentment btw

@HaggisBurger yes some of the MN boards make me feel so unbelievably ungrateful. But you can't force your feelings, if only we could. Did your counselling address attraction issues? I always think that's as a difficult one to address. Has the financial impact been a consideration keeping you there? I feel awful that it's a big factor for me. Not for my lifestyle, but more long term for the kids

As posters have demonstrated, there is no simple answer to this and I think there are arguments for staying and arguments for going. Both courses of action are probably a bit right and a bit wrong.

That said, given there is no abuse and no particular need for you to avoid your DH, I do think it would be fair for you to be the one to move out and to remain living close to him and share access equally, all of which is probably your intention.

One of the most functional families I know - the parents split when their DCs were really young because the wife (a good friend of mine) felt like you did. Her husband was heartbroken but they have co-parented very successfully - 50/50. Several years down the line, he is very happily settled with someone else. My friend hasn’t yet settled down with someone else but has relationships and is generally very contented. I’ve once heard her express regret but on the whole I don’t think she regrets it. She uses her child-free time really well and treasures her time with the children also.

I wish to God my parents had divorced 12 years before they actually did.

My mother is Catholic and staying married was the most important thing to her - above the welfare of her children. When I was 12, we were moving back to Oz from the UK...myself, my two brothers and my mother all had Australian passports, my father had previously refused to take Australian citizenship when it was offered to him so he needed a visa. It arrived literally the morning we were due to fly, and he was SO pissed off, which confused me at the time.

My mother admitted to me last year that he'd actually planned it so the visa wouldn't arrive in time, he'd make us fly back to Australia without him and he'd then tell my mother he wasn't joining us. A long distance dumping, if you like. My mother's family is extremely wealthy and her mother in particular disliked my father and would have willingly supported my mother financially - and my father knew this. He'd not given notice at his UK job, and had arranged to lodge with a fellow employee...my mother found this out at the time, and the stupid woman STILL decided to stay with him! He ended up leaving her for another woman 7 years later anyway...

I don't admire my mother for staying at all. Quite the opposite. She was flogging the dead horse of her marriage with no thought of how horrible it was for her 3 children to live in a household where it was so obvious there was no love between parents. It was a terrible example to set us.

I wish my parents had divorced and taught me what it's like and how to act in a genuine happy relationship. Growing up with parents who didn't like each other was awful and decades later I'm still trying and struggling to unlearn their damaging behaviours in my own relationship.

You could be doing your children a big favour and your happiness is so important for their happiness.

@bellinique Me too. I honestly think those who say 'stay for the children' have no idea how damaging it can be. It is living a lie and children aren't blind, deaf or stupid. The parents may think they are hiding their true feelings, but no one is that good an actor 100% of the time. I knew by the age of 9 my parents didn't love each other.

[quote noirchatsdeux]@bellinique Me too. I honestly think those who say 'stay for the children' have no idea how damaging it can be. It is living a lie and children aren't blind, deaf or stupid. The parents may think they are hiding their true feelings, but no one is that good an actor 100% of the time. I knew by the age of 9 my parents didn't love each other.[/quote]
Similar story here. I don't know any child who grew up with parents who divorced, who didn't know there were problems (often years) before the divorce actually happend. Children always know something isn't right, and often tie themselves in knots trying to keep both parents from knowing how much it's affecting them.

I think only you know how you feel, OP.

My personal take on this is that there is a big difference between a relationship with no spark. Forgive me, but I do feel it is a little bit selfish and dare I say immature to prioritise this pursuit of sex and romance over and above anything else.

I think before you make any decisions, you need to ensure that you are happy with yourself. It is easy to blame your other half for your own malaise.

@mummyof2lou for me the counselling did show me that if I softened in some ways we could create a better dynamic - less irritated etc etc. That helped some with intimacy and attraction. But did feel a bit like faking it tbh. We’d had long period (a number of years) of no sex at DP’s choice - and that has improved. But I can see that is tailing off (as it tended to come from me). Basically it feels pretty much like a friendship at the moment as we are getting along ok (as long as he isn’t haranguing me about certain issues that he feels obsessively strongly about a quality I find very unattractive 🥺)

Never stay for the kids. They won't thank you for it when they get to 20 and realise their entire childhood was a lie.

do kids even notice lack of affection? They never see us being affectionate
From my own experience, they don't notice it or rather, they think it's normal
And this is not good!

I have similar aged children and we divorced about 6 mo ago. So far kids seem to have taken it all OK and adjusted to the new normal without any apparent issues.

That said. In your place - I wouldn’t be separating right now. Both for practical reasons - uncertainty economic situation due to covid is being the main reason.
Also - divorce is a really difficult and unpleasant process, and if your main issue is the lack of spark - I’d give it a bit more time.
Or at least tried to cohabit for now and co-parent. See how that feels.
Maybe a break of sorts - different rooms and different routines can give you both a bit of a break?
The past year with lockdowns and homeschooling has affected everybody - even the strongest of relationship must have struggled. Keeping much of a spark in these circumstances seems quite an impossible task. So in your place I’d wait till life gets back to something more normal before making my a decision.

I think you should go ahead with the split.
No one splits up without good reason. You're just having a last minute wobble.
The kids will be ok in the long run. I agree, you should not stay just for the kids. Your life counts too. They will still have two parents who love them.
Best of luck.

My exh and I separated just over a year ago. It was the right decision but some thins from my post suggest that you may not fully appreciate what is ahead of you.

My ex and I reached a point where we were trapped in a slightly toxic cycle. We cared about each other, wanted to make the marriage work, but seemed to be stuck on a ground hog day of misunderstandings and arguments. In the end we realised the atmosphere at home wasn't good for us and definitely wasn't good for the children. My husband didn't really want to split thought as the relationship wasn't awful. I was the one who made it happen.

Just over a year later the space from each other has enabled us to re-forge a good friendship and everyone in the family is much happier. Our children tell me, without me prompting them, that the current situation is much better than the period before the separation.

My ex and I co-parent amicably and flexibly, still doing things together with the kids from time to time. I sometimes wonder if we did the right thing splitting but ultimately, I know we did.

BUT and this is important. It was all so much harder than I imagined. I thought I'd get weekends when I could concentrate on getting stuff done, etc. In reality, I spent months (pretty much a year) barely able to function at all on my weekends/days without the children. Do not underestimate just how different it is to choose to spend time doing your own thing while a partner is with the children from having to spend time doing your own thing while your children are with an ex. Emotionally and psychologically there is a huge difference. Speaking to divorced and separated friends they have all felt this.

Don't underestimate the risk of everything turning bitter and sour. That is where divorce is really hard on children and often there is no way of predicting how things will pan out. A good friend of mine separated from her partner not long before my ex and I split. Their relationship was in better shape than mine and the split was a mutual decision. Their thinking was that they should split while still getting on well enough for it all to be amicable. Let's just say it definitely hasn't stayed amicable. Divorce is hard and stressful and it has brought out the worst in both of them! They never seem to be in sync about getting to the amicability they originally envisaged. It's really sad to watch. The impact on the children is horrible to see.

Are you willing to risk what divorce may bring? Are you really going to be fine if you end up with 50/50 care of your children? Would you be okay being single until your children are adults because it all just gets too complicated to have a serious relationship in the years to come?

Is divorce all going to be so much better for, your husband and your children than working at keeping the relationship between you and your husband going? Is divorce going to be so much better for you than working on your relationship? Only you can answer those questions but try to do so with your eyes wide open.

Is it unbearable?

How will you feel if he meets someone else, is blissfully happy and introduces them to the kids etc and you never do?

I think those are the questions I’d ask myself

But now he knows how you feel is there actually any going back

As the product of divorced parents, I can assure you that my life has been just fine. I agree that some of these comments feel like we're peddling back the way in terms of progress.

I agree that entering into parenthood is something that shouldn't be done lightly and you should ensure you do what you can. But the idea that I shouldn't separate from my husband unless he abuses me is pretty shocking.

No one will thank you for being a martyr, and as long as you have a children centred approach and put them at the heart of your your plans, provide safe, HAPPY, loving homes then they will be okay. Even if it's not a smooth road.

I've met plenty of messed up people from families where there is no separation. My husband being one if them - he's the one with the emotional problems.

Some really helpful comments thank you.

How would I feel if he met someone else? I would feel upset about another Mum for my children, but I'd be happy for him. I really want him to be happy. Both my parents are remarried and blissfully happy, I worry that I assume the same happy fate will apply to me. The reality could be very different.

We have been in separate rooms for a long time, and even tried splitting the weekends, I think it's driven a further distance between us.

I don't think I underestimate the gravity of the situation, but maybe I'm being naive in thinking it will remain amicable.

If I stay I'll always wonder what my life could have been like if I'd been brave. But maybe the bravest thing to do is stay and put them all first. I just hope the sadness wouldn't make me a miserable Mum. I want to put them first, really I do, it just feels like it comes at a price. I'm scared of how it will feel when they leave and it's just us, being friends but not an affectionate, loving, physical couple.

I'm not sure there is an answer that meets everyones ongoing needs

It's a difficult one. The most functional divorced parents I know split fully amicably, do genuine 50/50 and are better now as friends than they ever were as a married couple. Both have new partners and their DD is a happy, settled, secure young woman of 18. They just weren't suited to each other, and splitting up was absolutely the right thing to do for them. The problem arises when one partner wants to make it work and the other really doesn't.

I was divorcing when my husband died, but in my case there was abuse and addiction (his), so not the same scenario at all, and we are 100% better off without him.

I am in my fifties now. Most of my friends went through really difficult times during their long term relationships (in their 30s and forties) and many were on the brink of separating. However, thankfully they all persevered and battled through the dark times. I can say that they are all now in really strong, happier and financially stable places having stayed together. It really isn't easy....the staying or the leaving route but sometimes relationships and stability really are worth fighting for.

How old are you OP? Like one of the others posters said..you should be prepared to not enter another relationship for several years, especially with a 20 year old, who's life you've changed. Are you ok with that, plus if your hoping for a whirlwind romance, you may never get that...

10* year old child

I think growing old with someone you consider to be a loving a loyal friend, supportive companion and father of your children is possibly not the worst thing OP, but I’m genuinely not you and I don’t know how you feel about it. It seems this has been troubling you for some time so I hope you are able to work out something you are happy with