Hobbies and family time

[ememem84]

I wasn’t sure whether to post in AIBU or relationships as I guess I need advice or to be told who is being unreasonable.

Dh and I have been married for 9 years. 2 dc (age 1 and 3).

For the last 6 years I have been doing my hobby (horse riding) for a hour and half on a Saturday morning. Plus travel time this takes me out for 2 hours.

I get so so much joy from it. It clears me mind keeps me fit and gives me the headspace from family life. Dh knows this.

I don’t own a pony (although would desperately love to) and don’t compete. It’s just lessons on a Saturday.

I’ve always made sure that since having the kids Weve done something in the morning before I go - yesterday we took a walk down to our village playground and cafe. Then while I was riding Dh took the dc to visit fil.

We all got back at roughly the same time and had lunch and then went to the beach to look for pirate treasure (ds’ choice).

Dh and I argued last night because I left him alone with the kids “all day” And I do this “every weekend”

He’s upset I’m also out this afternoon (friends baby shower). And he’s rather I didn’t go because it’s not fair on him.

For context he doesn’t have a winter hobby. But in the summer he is out on paddleboard at every opportunity. He gyms every lunchtime during the week. He works full time. I do four longer days and have one day a week off with the dc. I also go a Pilates class one evening a week leaving him to do bedtime (although this will stop after Christmas holidays as I can switch to a lunchtime class at a studio next to my office)

Am I being unreasonable by continuing with my hobby? Am I mad for thinking it’s ok because it sparks joy, takes me out of my head a bit and recharges me so I feel like I can be a better person and mum?

Or is Dh being unreasonable for trying to stop me doing something I love. He insinuated that I hate family life.

No you are not unreasonable.
But as he’s thrown his dummy out the pram, you can take the kids out on your own after you get back from riding and he’s not invited.

Sounds like he had a bad week and took it out on you.

You are not being unreasonable.

It's not like you started horse riding after the kids, and in summer as you say he's out on the paddle board.

If you want to get him to shut up suggest he goes for a 2 hour (total including travel time) swim when pools are open in the winter or something.

He's being petty.

Carry on as you are. Hope you have a nice Sunday.

@FippertyGibbett I think he’d like that though. Rest time. Chill time.

He’s sleeping currently. As it’s his lie in day. I’m up with the kiddos and have been since 6.

Please don't give up your hobby, but do recognise that your DH is feeling this way. Talk about it - can you reach a compromise? Eg he has some regular time to himself on Sundays while you look after the DC?

I think when it comes to hobby time in a family both partners have to

• support the other to pursue their interests and have down time

And

• not take the piss in expecting their partner to pick up all the slack

You're doing both. He's not doing the former.

@frozendaisy it’s been a bad few weeks. Dd (1) is sleeping terribly. Which has taken its toll on all of us.

He’s also (in the summer) suggested that we all go to the beach while he paddles. I’ve only done this a couple of times as he goes off for ages and leaves me wrangling the kids on the beach by myself.

I fully appreciate that at their ages they are a bit of a handful and have different needs - Dd isn’t quite walking yet. Ds is like a small hurricane. So keeping them together is tough. But I manage on a Friday all day. He should be able to manage for a couple of hours a week while I recharge my batteries. Right?

@SocialBees no intention of giving it up. I love it. It honestly brings me so much joy and aside from the exercise fitness side it helps me in so many other ways - outdoors, it’s calming, clears me head etc.

Ironically Dh wants to do a Pilates class on a Sunday and then go to the gym. I’m fine with him going. It’ll take him out for around 3 hours.

We argued about the double standard of this the other day though. Because he was happy to leave me with the kids but not happy to be left. He used the same reasoning as me for needing to go. Recharging etc. I get it. But had to ask why it was ok for him to get out but not me.

He is being unreasonable, he clearly think you should do majority of childcare, which most men do!

You need the headspace and why shouldnt you enjoy a bit of time to do what you want! Dont give it up. (Your DCs very small, life will get easier as they get older.)

He’s being very unreasonable. So he doesn’t want you to go horse riding for 2 hours on a Saturday, but it’s ok for him to do Pilates and go to the gym on a Sunday for 3 hours?

Have you asked him why it was ok for him to get out and not you?

Your DH clearly thinks that you are the primary carer. Therefore you should not be away too long. That's the mindset you need to change.
Probably (like most women in my experience) you do the lions share of the caring work. This then becomes the expectation, the "norm".
BTW tell him your batteries don't take any less time to charge than his.

It should be fair, which it sounds like it mostly is. Though, given that it's been a bad week with sleep and he can't do his hobby this weekend due to the season, I maybe would only have done horse riding or the baby shower, not both tbh. Or at least made sure he got equal time alone.

Sorry just read about the gym/Pilates - if ge does that then it's fair and he's BU to moan about it.

Also, it gets easier! DH and I used to argue a lot about this stuff, now both kids are school age there's rarely an issue.

If he wants to go to Pilates then surely this is a non-issue? As a functioning adult he should be able to see that he is being unreasonable. What does he say when you point out that him going to Pilates is the same as you going horse riding?

To be fair the baby shower is a one off. And he was ok with me going when I was invited. I didn’t ask for permission but checked he was ok with it as a courteousy.

I have asked why it’s ok for him to be out on Sundays but not me. No answer really other than my riding takes up all day. Which it doesn’t.

I’d agree I’m seen as primary carer. Default parent. Always have been.

This is my point. We should get equal time out (if you like). Dh doesn’t see it. He sees my hobby as taking the piss. Then gets annoyed when I tell him his is exactly the same timing.

And I’m not actually annoyed he wants to go off and do whatever. I don’t have an issue with it. The issue I have is that he has an issue with me going but expects to do it himself. Iyswim.

Yeah - he doesn’t sound like he is being fair. Time your horse riding from when you need to stop looking after the kids to when you start again - and show him.

We argued about the double standard of this the other day though. Because he was happy to leave me with the kids but not happy to be left. He used the same reasoning as me for needing to go. Recharging etc. I get it. But had to ask why it was ok for him to get out but not me.

Great question...did he answer give an answer?

I think you have a good balance of hobbies between you.

Your life doesn't end when you become a wife/mum and getting out and keeping fit it great for your mental/physical health. Keep it up.

I like your assertive approach.

He sees my hobby as taking the piss. Then gets annoyed when I tell him his is exactly the same timing.

Aaahh...So he gets annoyed because he hasn't got an answer.

I suspect he thinks deep down that as the mum..you shouldn't have regular time out, but he dare not say it, as he knows it sounds sexist.

I suspect he thinks deep down that as the mum..you shouldn't have regular time out, but he dare not say it, as he knows it sounds sexist.

Agree, but it's not just sounds sexist, is sexist. Massively so.

Basically he thinks as the man, he should get to do whatever, and you're there to facilitate and admire. Whereas if you take time out, it makes you a bad partner and mother. Sexist af.

I wouldn't argue about it, just keep doing as you're doing. Ride, go to the baby shower.

Don’t resign from your hobby as it requires a prior arrangement while he can just pack up and go paddling if he wants.
Let him be annoyed.
Nothing worse than piss taking partner not wanting to do his share of childcare/chores with sense of entitlement to all down time.
Just no.
Your kids are at the age that they take most of the energy. You NEED to recharge your batteries to function.

As others have said it's because you are the woman/Mum apparently you find it easier to look after the DC and that is your hobby!!!!

I would remain resolute and that what is fair is equal leisure time... which is not working, not doing household stuff, not having sole responsibility for the DC

I would write his list - gym x 5 lunch time etc

You - 2 hours horse riding...

Then the evenings when you are sat down doing nothing.

Present him with the evidence that he can't argue with (ok he'll try but fail). If he still insists it's not fair etc I would book couples counselling!!!

Let him be annoyed then. There shouldn’t be one rule for him and another one for you.

He is being unreasonable. I think you need to push for an admission from him that he has double standards when it comes to leisure time for you and leisure time for him. I'd want to be sure that it's not down to an underlying and maybe even subconscious belief on his part that as the woman you shouldn't want time away from the dc, because they're your job really.

“I suspect he thinks deep down that as the mum..you shouldn't have regular time out, but he dare not say it, as he knows it sounds sexist.

Agree, but it's not just sounds sexist, is sexist. Massively so.”

This. I overheard a male colleague at work (who I generally think of as a good guy) who has two small children telling another colleague that he played golf at weekends because he needed a break. The other colleague asked “when does Mummy get a break?” To which no answer was given. I think he just hadn’t thought of it.

Your horse-riding sounds very well contained - just 2 hours a week - and he should be able to handle that especially if he is going to be out for 3 hours on a Sunday.

As PP have said - these things will get a lot easier as your DCs get older.