Hobbies and family time

[ememem84]

I wasn’t sure whether to post in AIBU or relationships as I guess I need advice or to be told who is being unreasonable.

Dh and I have been married for 9 years. 2 dc (age 1 and 3).

For the last 6 years I have been doing my hobby (horse riding) for a hour and half on a Saturday morning. Plus travel time this takes me out for 2 hours.

I get so so much joy from it. It clears me mind keeps me fit and gives me the headspace from family life. Dh knows this.

I don’t own a pony (although would desperately love to) and don’t compete. It’s just lessons on a Saturday.

I’ve always made sure that since having the kids Weve done something in the morning before I go - yesterday we took a walk down to our village playground and cafe. Then while I was riding Dh took the dc to visit fil.

We all got back at roughly the same time and had lunch and then went to the beach to look for pirate treasure (ds’ choice).

Dh and I argued last night because I left him alone with the kids “all day” And I do this “every weekend”

He’s upset I’m also out this afternoon (friends baby shower). And he’s rather I didn’t go because it’s not fair on him.

For context he doesn’t have a winter hobby. But in the summer he is out on paddleboard at every opportunity. He gyms every lunchtime during the week. He works full time. I do four longer days and have one day a week off with the dc. I also go a Pilates class one evening a week leaving him to do bedtime (although this will stop after Christmas holidays as I can switch to a lunchtime class at a studio next to my office)

Am I being unreasonable by continuing with my hobby? Am I mad for thinking it’s ok because it sparks joy, takes me out of my head a bit and recharges me so I feel like I can be a better person and mum?

Or is Dh being unreasonable for trying to stop me doing something I love. He insinuated that I hate family life.

This is a really common view from men that’s coming up more and more often on here. I don’t know what proportion but certainly quite a lot of men think being with the dc is the woman’s enjoyment/hobby, and can’t comprehend why they’d need a break or another hobby.

I don’t think women ever expect this is how they’re thinking. If possible, this view needs to be uncovered before conception! Though of course a lot of men will lie or change personality after dc arrive.

em as hobbies go, yours doesn't impact significantly on family time. It's two hours on a Saturday morning and it's all done and dusted by lunchtime. You then have Saturday afternoon, Saturday evening and all day Sunday for family time.

You went to a baby shower yesterday so you were out on Saturday (albeit briefly) and also Sunday, but I gather that's not something you do every weekend.

I know this is relationships and not AIBU but you're definitely NBU. Unfortunately, it's not us you need to convince - it's your DH. And since you haven't managed to convince him up to now, he needs to hear it from a third party - someone objective. Have you suggested marriage counselling? If you continue as you are, he will continue to resent you (even though he's the one being unreasonable) and that resentment will simmer away under the surface. And if you give in to his demands and give up your horse riding, you'll end up resenting him. Either way, that resentment could well corrode your relationship and your marriage.

Marriage counselling will give you a safe space in which you can both express your views and hopefully the counsellor will challenge him on his double standards .

Things will get easier all around as the DC get older and less needy, but you've a long way to go until they reach that stage.

@Taytocrisps thank you.

I’ve suggested counselling as it happens. Whether dh goes for it or not that’s another matter.

This is one of many niggly issues which are being brought to the surface at present (largely triggered I think by Dd deciding that sleep for us is not an option! Damm you sleep regressions!!)

em
This behaviour is cyclical with your dh isn't it? He's resentful of time you spend doing stuff for yourself. I'm waiting for him to develop a sore back so that you've no choice but to do everything.

I'll bet he didn't do housework as well as look after the dc while you were at horse riding on Sat morn, which you've probably done while he's out paddle boarding or at the gym.

At least no one on this thread has said LTB as they usually do!

It's something that will keep happening until your dh gets out of his own head or someone other than you explains it from the outside looking in.

TBH if he doesn't grow up and drop the misogyny I would be saying it is LTB territory!!

happier yep. So far no ones uttered LTB! I’ve gotten off lightly I think!

@MrsTerryPratchett

Apparently not fair.

You really need to drill down into this. Be curious, be disingenuous. Make him actually say why he has different standards to you. Because what it boils down to is that he thinks he is more important and deserving than you.

I completely agree with this. Make him say it. Make him say that he just doesn't consider that you should ever want to do anything just for yourself.

I would also be unwilling to let the 'all day' thing go. If your lesson is timed so that you can all go for a walk beforehand and yet you are back in time for lunch, then it clearly doesn't take all fucking day, just a chunk of the morning.

@ememem84

Thank you. I was a bit wary of relationships board. But needed a sense check.

Ive had a chat with dh this morning. He cannot he expected to be left alone with two kids who are hard work (I agree on the hard work point).

I’ve asked again when do I get my recharge time.

He said Friday’s. Because I don’t work then. Except that’s my day with the kids so whilst fun it’s not exactly relaxing.

Interesting double standard here. He cant be exoected to look after his children alone but you are expected to do and it be your leisure time Dont cave, you will still be miserable and furious if you dont go.

Oh I’m not caving. Absolutely not caving.

I would be asking him daily "Did you enjoy your recharge hour at the Gym? wish I got time to do my hobby today"

You know just highlighting all his hobby time compared to yours...

Ironically Dh wants to do a Pilates class on a Sunday and then go to the gym. I’m fine with him going. It’ll take him out for around 3 hours.

Perfect - you have 3 hours out on Saturday and he can have 3 hours out on Sunday (ironically, this means you get a bit more time to ride!).

Wrt Fridays... you and he need to agree together whether childcare is work or not. And it applies to both of you equally.

Would you show him this thread or would he lose it?

He feels entitled - it’s your job to look after the children
His views will stem from his childhood. You have said the his father didn’t treat the mother well.
Its interesting isn’t it when you where having a lie in - “ they all piled into your bedroom” - I’d suggest he did this deliberately - he wanted you up and out of bed.
As someone said - add up the lie ins he has,the gym time etc.
If it was me - I would feel my hobby was a bit spoiled by his entitlement - you are stronger than this.
I would shut the conversation down with him about your free time - he knows your views and you know his - if he’s not prepared to go to counselling then that’s his decision.
Does he pull his fair share at home - or are you expected to clean on Friday on “your day off” -
When he’s having the lie in - I let the kids “pile in on him” - he will not like it!!!
We all need “me time” - you know this - stay strong.

@Whydidimarryhim

He feels entitled - it’s your job to look after the children His views will stem from his childhood. You have said the his father didn’t treat the mother well. Its interesting isn’t it when you where having a lie in - “ they all piled into your bedroom” - I’d suggest he did this deliberately - he wanted you up and out of bed. As someone said - add up the lie ins he has,the gym time etc. If it was me - I would feel my hobby was a bit spoiled by his entitlement - you are stronger than this. I would shut the conversation down with him about your free time - he knows your views and you know his - if he’s not prepared to go to counselling then that’s his decision. Does he pull his fair share at home - or are you expected to clean on Friday on “your day off” - When he’s having the lie in - I let the kids “pile in on him” - he will not like it!!! We all need “me time” - you know this - stay strong.

I do feel hobby is spoiled. It won’t stop me doing it though.

When I went back to worm in feb after mat leave it was non nevotiable that we got a cleaner. I said I wasn’t spending my Fridays off cleaning.

I've just read the whole thread and don't disagree with you at all.

The only thing I wondered was the timing of the horse riding, if you have time to go to the park before and the beach after, is it right in the middle if the day? My husband arranges things like dog walks with family members that only take about 40 mins, but I have to be honest, the timing infuriates me. They always seem to cut the time available in half. Not enough time to go anywhere first, and clock watching to make sure he's not late, then after feels too late to go anywhere requiring a drive. Maybe he feels a little like that with the riding?

You have your work cut out I’m sure - his beliefs go deep.
I’m sorry he’s tarnished your hobby - my ex couldn’t cope with one child and I wasn’t able to feel confident leaving him - I gave up mine sadly.
Notice he’s an ex - he had issues re women - I didn’t put my finger on it for ages - but he was misogynistic - he had deep views re women.
Keep sticking up for your self - but you really shouldn’t have too.

It's quite simple - start tracking how much time you spend out of the house every weekend with known, regular hobbies, and add that up to what it is over the year. Now do the same with his and compare. If you start adding it up like this it will give you something black & white to work from. 2 hrs every weekend is nothing.

If your list is equal to his, or if your time adds up to less, don't expect him to be fair. What he might want to say to you, but he wouldn't dare is -

'I don't like the fact you are out with out with your hobby every weekend. I want you to take care of the kids because I want the entire weekend to myself. I think this is fair since I work 5 days a week and you work 4 (even if they're longer days and I don't count the time you spend with the kids as proper work). Also, it's not really a bad thing for me if you are at home and I know where you are and you're there for me'.

@Whydidimarryhim

You have your work cut out I’m sure - his beliefs go deep. I’m sorry he’s tarnished your hobby - my ex couldn’t cope with one child and I wasn’t able to feel confident leaving him - I gave up mine sadly. Notice he’s an ex - he had issues re women - I didn’t put my finger on it for ages - but he was misogynistic - he had deep views re women. Keep sticking up for your self - but you really shouldn’t have too.

@Whydidimarryhim So sorry to hear that. What was the hobby?

ememem84 is that Plemont Bay in the picture? I grew up on Jersey but have gone thirteen years now so some of it's a bit fuzzy....

It seems like you've laid out every logical reason why he's wrong to him, and it somehow doesn't fit in his head. When he starts his thing on the Sunday would he agree that you time how long you're each out - maybe raw numbers will pierce his skull somehow?

@ememem84

Thank you. I was a bit wary of relationships board. But needed a sense check.

Ive had a chat with dh this morning. He cannot he expected to be left alone with two kids who are hard work (I agree on the hard work point).

I’ve asked again when do I get my recharge time.

He said Friday’s. Because I don’t work then. Except that’s my day with the kids so whilst fun it’s not exactly relaxing.

So hold on a fucking second. This defies logic.

He cannot he expected to be left alone with two kids who are hard work

He said Friday’s. Because I don’t work then. Except that’s my day with the kids

He has literally called the kids hard work. Those words came out of his mouth and I would absolutely hold him to them....so I'm sure when pinned down he would agree then that on Fridays you are working.

Unless, what's hard work for him isn't supposed to be draining, hard work for you and he just can't bring himself to say it? Again, I think he doesn't see the value in you doing things in the same way as if he were to do it (which would naturally be deserving of a medal).

It doesnt seem to be an issue of how much time you spend on your hobby @ememem84 but that you have any needs of your own at all.
He sounds misogynistic and having read other things you have written on the other thread in the past he doesnt seem to treat you as a loving partner at all.
Is he ever kind, pleased for you?
Does he show love and care towards you?
He seems utterly selfish and self absorbed.

Just an example my DH is chuffed to bits for me that Ive taken up a new hobby and is pleased when Ive enjoyed myself.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

ememem84 is that Plemont Bay in the picture? I grew up on Jersey but have gone thirteen years now so some of it's a bit fuzzy....

It seems like you've laid out every logical reason why he's wrong to him, and it somehow doesn't fit in his head. When he starts his thing on the Sunday would he agree that you time how long you're each out - maybe raw numbers will pierce his skull somehow?

Yes!! One of my fave places!

@SewingBeeAddict

It doesnt seem to be an issue of how much time you spend on your hobby *@ememem84* but that you have any needs of your own at all. He sounds misogynistic and having read other things you have written on the other thread in the past he doesnt seem to treat you as a loving partner at all. Is he ever kind, pleased for you? Does he show love and care towards you? He seems utterly selfish and self absorbed.

Just an example my DH is chuffed to bits for me that Ive taken up a new hobby and is pleased when Ive enjoyed myself.

Yes. He does. It isn’t all bad.

The things I moan about are the little things usually (although I agree this could escalate to something bigger).

He is caring. He does support me mostly. He is proud of me. And is pleased for me when things go right. And supportive when they don’t.

He’s booked some counselling which is a good idea I think. I’ve been speaking to my therapist about it. It will work itself out.

I understand his need for family time. But it’s also not getting my need for time out.

Therapist says that essentially things have come to a head now because Dd isn’t sleeping much. Thanks kid! So we’re exhausted sleep deprived working full time kids etc and just carrying on as normal. Which isn’t good for anyone.

Babies teething and toddlers waking, those things pass in time. But attitudes become ingrained. And when kids are at those tricky phases, that’s when you really NEED to be able to get out, guilt free for a few hours headspace. I think I’d sit him down and say you need your time, just as he needs his, but losing out will make you feel unsupported and disappointed. Otherwise, it will be the same in a few years when you’re trying to juggle kids’ activities into the mix and he’s still claiming the lion’s share of ‘time to myself.’ I bet you’ll find you are trying to cram everything into Fridays..

The simple question you need him to answer why does he think you spending time looking after the DC solo isn't work for you but downtime yet for him it doesn't count as downtime but work.

If he can't answer tell him to discuss it with his therapist.

This is the underlying misogyny that he needs to recognise and address.

The only time that counts for either of you is when you aren't on duty at all either at work, with the DC, doing chores...