Hobbies and family time

[ememem84]

I wasn’t sure whether to post in AIBU or relationships as I guess I need advice or to be told who is being unreasonable.

Dh and I have been married for 9 years. 2 dc (age 1 and 3).

For the last 6 years I have been doing my hobby (horse riding) for a hour and half on a Saturday morning. Plus travel time this takes me out for 2 hours.

I get so so much joy from it. It clears me mind keeps me fit and gives me the headspace from family life. Dh knows this.

I don’t own a pony (although would desperately love to) and don’t compete. It’s just lessons on a Saturday.

I’ve always made sure that since having the kids Weve done something in the morning before I go - yesterday we took a walk down to our village playground and cafe. Then while I was riding Dh took the dc to visit fil.

We all got back at roughly the same time and had lunch and then went to the beach to look for pirate treasure (ds’ choice).

Dh and I argued last night because I left him alone with the kids “all day” And I do this “every weekend”

He’s upset I’m also out this afternoon (friends baby shower). And he’s rather I didn’t go because it’s not fair on him.

For context he doesn’t have a winter hobby. But in the summer he is out on paddleboard at every opportunity. He gyms every lunchtime during the week. He works full time. I do four longer days and have one day a week off with the dc. I also go a Pilates class one evening a week leaving him to do bedtime (although this will stop after Christmas holidays as I can switch to a lunchtime class at a studio next to my office)

Am I being unreasonable by continuing with my hobby? Am I mad for thinking it’s ok because it sparks joy, takes me out of my head a bit and recharges me so I feel like I can be a better person and mum?

Or is Dh being unreasonable for trying to stop me doing something I love. He insinuated that I hate family life.

Thank you. I was a bit wary of relationships board. But needed a sense check.

Ive had a chat with dh this morning. He cannot he expected to be left alone with two kids who are hard work (I agree on the hard work point).

I’ve asked again when do I get my recharge time.

He said Friday’s. Because I don’t work then. Except that’s my day with the kids so whilst fun it’s not exactly relaxing.

But if he cannot be expected to look after them alone then neither can you surely?

Do say "ok DH. You're right the kids are too much for one of us to handle alone. So I'll stop horse riding and you stop gym, Pilates and paddle boarding. And take Fridays off as well"

They are his children, aren't they?!

Of course he can manage them.

Cheeky bastard for suggesting you were escaping family time, when it's him that sees it that way.

@Derelictwreck

But if he cannot be expected to look after them alone then neither can you surely?

Do say "ok DH. You're right the kids are too much for one of us to handle alone. So I'll stop horse riding and you stop gym, Pilates and paddle boarding. And take Fridays off as well"

This is my point.

I’ve suggested I go back to work on a Friday and have asked him to sort alternative childcare. Dparents can’t have them another day in the week (they already have them on a Monday) and nursery don’t have soace for them.

Yes they’re his kids. If they weren’t I’d feel a bit differently. I think. Maybe.

“He cannot he expected to be left alone with two kids who are hard work (I agree on the hard work point).”

As I missing something? Why can’t he be expected to be left alone with his own young children? That’s what parenting is. It is very hard work when the children are so young. What does he think other parents do? He’s being pathetic.

I’ve asked how he thinks friends of ours cope (incidentally the one who’s baby shower it is today).

The dh in that scenario has football season tickets and plays football twice a week. And the dw doesn’t work so does all childcare. Apparently her downtime is all the time.

Mine should be Fridays. Because that’s when I don’t work (ha! Don’t get paid to do fun things with the dc or maintain some semblance of tidy ness in the house...). If I could do my things on a Friday that’d be great for dh.

He doesn’t get it. He just does not see it.

I appreciate that my horsey hobby is time consuming. And that it isn’t cheap. But I have a feeling I could go to a scrabble club and it’d still be an issue. Unless I did it in a lunch hour or at a time where dh wasn’t inconvenienced at all.

I’ve suggested I get dparents to babysit this afternoon. He’s asked why when he’ll be at home? And is capable.

And that’s my point.

I think he needs leaving alone with the kids more, not less. Obviously needs to build up his confidence and competence with them.

He is obviously talking rubbish, isn't he? He's just contradicting himself and being a bit silly and selfish.

If Friday with the kids is downtime for you, then 2 hours with the kids while you ride must also be downtime for him.

@category12 like your thinking 😉

Ive had a chat with dh this morning. He cannot he expected to be left alone with two kids who are hard work (I agree on the hard work point). I’ve asked again when do I get my recharge time. He said Friday’s. Because I don’t work then. Except that’s my day with the kids so whilst fun it’s not exactly relaxing.

Ffs! He can't have it both ways! So apparently looking after 2 kids is hard work when he does it, but constitutes relaxing downtime when you do it? Fuck that!

Exactly what Category was saying and why I think you should write down his and your downtime so the current inequality is in black and white...

He already has more than you!!

He cannot he expected to be left alone with two kids who are hard work

This jumped out at me.
You say you've been up since 6 and he's still sleeping. So it's ok for you to be left alone and just get on with it and not him?

He's being selfish and ridiculous. it's ok for him to have several hours for 'his' time but you can't?
Keep your hobby. It's 2 hours, not all day. I'd be pointing that out every time he says it.

The double standards would really piss me off

Yes he has no arguments he clearly is just sulking and feeling hard done by

@category12 has nailed it.

It pisses me off so much when men (and it is always men but by no means all men) think that because they are in paid employment, they shouldn’t have to parent. Both DH and I have worked more or less full time since now teenagers were little (we had a period where I did 4 days a week and then he did). When we were not at work we parented. Because we had children. That’s what you do.

Good luck with your discussion, OP!

@romany4

He cannot he expected to be left alone with two kids who are hard work

This jumped out at me.
You say you've been up since 6 and he's still sleeping. So it's ok for you to be left alone and just get on with it and not him?

He's being selfish and ridiculous. it's ok for him to have several hours for 'his' time but you can't?
Keep your hobby. It's 2 hours, not all day. I'd be pointing that out every time he says it.

The double standards would really piss me off

Yep. I’ve been up since 6. Both dc have been fed we’ve played. I’ve had 3 cups of tea. One dc is dressed. The other didn’t want to do I’m not arguing with him.

Dh surfaced at 10. He’s now gone for a shower. I’m up and dressed.

I would have loved a lie in. Yesterday (my day for one) I was up at 8. Because they all piled into the bedroom.

The double standards do piss me off. I call him
On it a lot. But it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Funnily enough I predicted that because you are female that parenting doesn't = work for you, only to him...

@RandomMess yep. It’s not work for me. I should enjoy every second I spend with the kids.

Which, don’t get me wrong for the most part yes. But sometimes I just need to get away from them. And reset.

I would be very wary if he ever suggests a third dc....

Booking the counselling!!

Suggest you both get EOW off

@Sunnydaysstillhere

I would be very wary if he ever suggests a third dc....

Oh that is not happening. I’ve made that very clear.

I told him a while ago that if we hypothetically spilt up he’d have them all weekend every other weekend by himself.

Think of the free time I’d have.....

He's being completely unreasonable BUT he is clearly unhappy - perhaps he feels like it is more than two hours because when you come back you have to shower and change, and beforehand maybe you are busy getting ready.

I think if you try and weigh and measure each minute of the day, who is working harder, doing more chores, doing more childcare, you will always end up arguing.

I don't know what the answer is, but it sounds like you have an unhappy DP who perhaps struggles knowing how to entertain his kids, and needs your help go figure out how to enjoy the kids more himself?

@PickleWithEverything

He's being completely unreasonable BUT he is clearly unhappy - perhaps he feels like it is more than two hours because when you come back you have to shower and change, and beforehand maybe you are busy getting ready.

I think if you try and weigh and measure each minute of the day, who is working harder, doing more chores, doing more childcare, you will always end up arguing.

I don't know what the answer is, but it sounds like you have an unhappy DP who perhaps struggles knowing how to entertain his kids, and needs your help go figure out how to enjoy the kids more himself?

I see what you’re saying. But morning on Saturdays I tend to just get dressed my my riding gear and hat stick etc live in the car. So there’s not a huge amount of getting ready involved.

Coming home depending on what we’re doing after I either change or I don’t. Yesterday we went to the beach so didn’t bother.

But I take the point.

It's relatively easy to measure leisure time!!

Time spent doing your own hobby/activity or relaxing watching TV:reading a book.

So gym visits, evenings on the sofa - time when you are not working, doing chores, hands on parenting (ie they are asleep) debatable whether or not to include commuting...

You should each negotiate a 9 day fortnight and look after the DC alternate Fridays - ask him then if you deserve 2/3 hours per week to go horse riding seeing as though he'll also get alternate weekday off looking after the DC and doing the house chores?