Hobbies and family time

[ememem84]

I wasn’t sure whether to post in AIBU or relationships as I guess I need advice or to be told who is being unreasonable.

Dh and I have been married for 9 years. 2 dc (age 1 and 3).

For the last 6 years I have been doing my hobby (horse riding) for a hour and half on a Saturday morning. Plus travel time this takes me out for 2 hours.

I get so so much joy from it. It clears me mind keeps me fit and gives me the headspace from family life. Dh knows this.

I don’t own a pony (although would desperately love to) and don’t compete. It’s just lessons on a Saturday.

I’ve always made sure that since having the kids Weve done something in the morning before I go - yesterday we took a walk down to our village playground and cafe. Then while I was riding Dh took the dc to visit fil.

We all got back at roughly the same time and had lunch and then went to the beach to look for pirate treasure (ds’ choice).

Dh and I argued last night because I left him alone with the kids “all day” And I do this “every weekend”

He’s upset I’m also out this afternoon (friends baby shower). And he’s rather I didn’t go because it’s not fair on him.

For context he doesn’t have a winter hobby. But in the summer he is out on paddleboard at every opportunity. He gyms every lunchtime during the week. He works full time. I do four longer days and have one day a week off with the dc. I also go a Pilates class one evening a week leaving him to do bedtime (although this will stop after Christmas holidays as I can switch to a lunchtime class at a studio next to my office)

Am I being unreasonable by continuing with my hobby? Am I mad for thinking it’s ok because it sparks joy, takes me out of my head a bit and recharges me so I feel like I can be a better person and mum?

Or is Dh being unreasonable for trying to stop me doing something I love. He insinuated that I hate family life.

Please don't ever stop your own hobbies. They are too important

I'd be worried that the thing he doesn't want to say isn't "childcare isn't work for you because you are a woman" but "childcare is easier for you because you actually like (being around) the children and I don't" :-(

Not your place to work out how your shift needs to enjoy his children more. Pretty sure no one helped you!
He is selfish.

@ememem84

This is my point. We should get equal time out (if you like). Dh doesn’t see it. He sees my hobby as taking the piss. Then gets annoyed when I tell him his is exactly the same timing.

And I’m not actually annoyed he wants to go off and do whatever. I don’t have an issue with it. The issue I have is that he has an issue with me going but expects to do it himself. Iyswim.

Yes your post indicated exactly that, he has his own time you should get some as well.

When you embark on parenthood as reasonable adults you expect to not still live the child free life you previously had. It sounds like you guys have a great balance bit confusing he is being a bit of a dick about you horse riding to be honest.

As you say it takes 2 hours which is not the whole day, so just repeat that and let him stew for a bit.

I think you need to escalate this. It's serious. It underlines fundamental ways in which he is thinking. You need to stick to your guns, in fact make the division of labour more obvious and more equal. You must win this argument. He patently doesn't have a leg to stand on but if he 'wins' it highlights some of his entitlement. Does he have any other outdated misogynistic, patriarchal ideas. How do his parents function?

Get him to ask his parents to have the kids whilst you have your "exercise time" on a Saturday morning. He can explain to them that he doesn't want to look after them!

This sounds like a non negotiable boundary. If you give it up now you won't get it back for years and you'll end up resentful of any hobby time your DH takes. Believe me, speaking from painful experience. Its taken me 6 years to reclaim some weekend leisure time for myself and even now my DH always assumes his hobby takes priority over mine. Don't be like me

He really is a twat isn’t he? Reading this thread is making me angry on your behalf.

He’s being totally unfair and don’t give it up but that aside, where do you live that you get to walk into a village, go to a cafe, go horse riding AND hang out at the beach!!! I want to move there! It sounds idyllic. Is it a sandy beach too!! Dying of jealousy here

Have you written this down for him? Maybe with a diagram? He's coming across as very dim:

He can't be expected to look after the kids on his own because they're hard work.

He needs his time to reset.

You get to reset on Fridays, when you're looking after said hard work kids.

I don't know how he doesn't see that he's being laughably stupid here. I have a 5, 3 and 1 year olds and it's incredibly exhausting, you have my sympathies having to also deal with your husband. It would be frustrating enough for me to threaten divorce, as you said - the free time wouldn't be a problem to either of you then.

I take it you're not in England if you're allowed to attend a Baby Shower and visit your FIL?

@CakeQueen87 what does it matter? I get so fed up of these comments on MN and everywhere else on SM. If you can't be useful to the OP, just stop tutting.

@pog100

Attending a baby shower would be a pretty major breach of the current lockdown, so yes, I think it does matter. If you're going to come online and brazenly discuss this type of rule breaking, then I think you should be prepared to be questioned on it. Although of course the OP may not be in England.

@CakeQueen87 I think it's highly likely op is not in the UK don't you??

@RandomMess

I have no idea. That's why I asked.
Local village playground and cafe sounds like the UK but perhaps not

@CakeQueen87

I take it you're not in England if you're allowed to attend a Baby Shower and visit your FIL?

No. I’m in Channel Islands. No lockdown here.

@pog100

I think you need to escalate this. It's serious. It underlines fundamental ways in which he is thinking. You need to stick to your guns, in fact make the division of labour more obvious and more equal. You must win this argument. He patently doesn't have a leg to stand on but if he 'wins' it highlights some of his entitlement. Does he have any other outdated misogynistic, patriarchal ideas. How do his parents function?

Mil left Fil about 8 years ago. He did not treat her well.

@Muchadoaboutlife

He’s being totally unfair and don’t give it up but that aside, where do you live that you get to walk into a village, go to a cafe, go horse riding AND hang out at the beach!!! I want to move there! It sounds idyllic. Is it a sandy beach too!! Dying of jealousy here

@Muchadoaboutlife jersey. It’s lovely here. Sandy beaches. And stoney ones. Beautiful in summer but in my opinion more so on crisp autumnal days.

A pic from yesterday’s pirat treasure hunt. Caves on the beach.

Every time I think about this thread I get the rage on your behalf!!!

Does he consider when you were sat in the beach whilst he paddle board "family time" in which case he can bring the DC down to the stables to watch you horse ride

Ffs! He can't have it both ways! So apparently looking after 2 kids is hard work when he does it, but constitutes relaxing downtime when you do it? Fuck that!

This is the only point. He's basically a sexist pig that thinks childcare is women's only role and they must all find it endlessly wonderful while men are above it and therefore it's drudgery for them.

Wanker.

Nip this in the bud now. Can you imagine a few years hence when you’re the one up on a Saturday taking kids to scouts/football/gymnastics and he’s still in bed? #beentheredonethat

We’ve talked about family time. I’ve suggested kids go to nursery all week. I stop the Fridays off and neither of us does “me time” thjngs on the weekend. By “me time” I mean gym, socialising with respective friends. Only family things. So kids parties. Play dates. The lot. (Because we do that too).

Apparently not fair.

I’ve explained my need for the hobby. Yes it can come across as selfish. But it makes me happy. And as I’ve been struggling with pnd and anxiety I need it even more now. I need to regroup refocus. I can’t do that with kids or dh around. I need to totally get out and do something on my own.

I went to the baby shower. I hate baby showers. But I love my friend. Couple of hours away for cake and tea and it was lovely. 16 of us there altogether distanced as a group from everyone else there as we were in a seperate room and the servers wore masks. For those of you who are covid-rule sticklers even though those rules don’t apply where I am.

Apparently not fair.

You really need to drill down into this. Be curious, be disingenuous. Make him actually say why he has different standards to you. Because what it boils down to is that he thinks he is more important and deserving than you.

I don't understand why you think your horse riding comes across as selfish when your H goes to the gym a minimum of 5 times per week

Then also went paddle boarding as much as possible all summer?

I read that your H has more hobby/"me" time than you even in the winter?

It is interesting that your husband thinks that your horse riding takes all day when in fact it takes two hours.

If two hours feels like all day it sounds like he hates spending time with his own children .

Please don't give up this argument. The man sounds insane! He is arguing that black is white.