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Original poster

DP rates his happiness 5 out of 10 and I'm devastated

118 replies

PickleWithEverything · 02/11/2020 13:10

Last week, in an attempt to "take the pulse" of my marriage, i asked my DP how happy he felt with his life on a scale of 1 to 10, and he said "five".

I was really shocked. I was expecting an 8, maybe a 7 on a bad day. I just think he is so ungrateful and unrealistic - our life is as good as it is ever going to be and it makes me worry about the future.

He has a good career which is not at risk (a massive blessing vs a lot of people), two beautiful healthy kids who adore him, he drives a flashy car, our mortgage is nearly paid off on our lovely 4 bedroom home, he is healthy and has a good group of friends he sees a few times a month (could be more but he can't be bothered to and obviously harder in 2020 to have fun with mates), his parents and brother are healthy and live nearby.

I asked why only a 5 and he said, "I'm just really bored." I asked what would help him feel less bored and he said it is just 2020 has been shit missing out on holidays.

I feel so utterly crushed and simultaneously really angry. I've been stewing on it for a week. Some people have had a truly awful year and we simply haven't. We were skiing at New Year, we managed to have a week on the south coast in August, we didn't lose a penny on our cancelled holidays.

I don't know how to live with someone who has so little appreciation for how good their life is. If you can't be happy in the good times, it'll be a disaster when things get worse.

How can I help him to feel happier with his life? Is it my responsibility to do so? Is it somehow my fault - because with everything else in life being pretty great it seems to me perhaps it's our marriage that isnt satisfying him.

I did wonder if covid meant he had had to end an affair.

I simply can't account for how boredom alone can reduce your happiness to measly 5!

Thoughts or suggestions, anyone?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 13:13

I did wonder if covid meant he had had to end an affair

Well that’s a bit of a curve ball to throw in at the end. You think he cheats on you?

He is allowed to feel what he feels. If he is at a five respect that. It’s not all about you. Happiness is not defined by what you have, it’s a deeper thing,

ravenmum · 02/11/2020 13:14

Thoughts or suggestions, anyone?
The two of you are made for one another?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 02/11/2020 13:14

I think you need to take a step back and calm down. We all have our own way of gauging things: his idea of a 5 might be your idea of a 7 so you might actually be thinking of the same level of happiness. Also some people don’t consider wider society when thinking about themselves. Just because someone else is worse off probably doesn’t make him any happier.
But having said that you asked him for a reason so is there something not right in your relationship?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/11/2020 13:14

How can I help him to feel happier with his life? Is it my responsibility to do so? Is it somehow my fault You can't. No and no!

What you have there is a glass always half empty pessimist. Bad luck!

There is usually very little can be done to change that attitude. They focus on the negative, the good bits are taken for granted, are what should happen. It's only when they don't that they are acknowledged, negatively! It's how he is hard wired.

Lurchermom · 02/11/2020 13:16

I think you need to take a deep breath and step back from this issue for a bit. I think stewing on it is part of the problem. He is saying it's a 5 now, right now. Not in general. Nothing to do with your life together, your relationship or the kids.
2020 is a pretty rubbish year, even if you've not been directly affected in terms of losing income etc. The psychological impact of the restirctions are hard.
We've done fine out of this year by all measures, but I feel dreadful. My DH feels dreadful. It's hard to see the positives around you when you just see black doom of misery ahead. If you don't feel like that and you feel grateful for what you have that great and I'm really pleased for you, but lots and lots of people are struggling with their mental health at the moment. This has taken us all by susprise and everyone is muddling through in their own way.

Annasgirl · 02/11/2020 13:17

Well OP, it is not your job to make him happy. That is too much for anyone to take on for any other human being, whether their parent, their child, their partner or their boss!

Did you just get him on a bad day? Sometimes people who have everything are still unhappy because we are programmed as humans to progress - always move forward. So when an event forces you to stand still, it can make you feel unhappy. It takes years and lots of work on yourself to become the person who can stand in the garden and mindfully thank the universe for every good item in their lives (I know, I have spent years on this and am now one of those people but you have to want to be that person to become that person).

I really do not think you are the problem, I think people like this will be dissatisfied no matter who they are married to. Sorry, that is probably no comfort but I hope you realise you can only control how you interact with the world, not how other people do. And perhaps you need to disengage from this and focus on you.

SauvignonGrower · 02/11/2020 13:17

There's quite a lot of evidence that how happy we feel is quite unaffected by events. He might just be a 5 kind of guy, regardless of how many holidays or affairs he has. I certainly wouldn't put any of your own energy into trying to do something about it.

Trisolaris · 02/11/2020 13:18

This is why I hate arbitrary rating scales

What is he comparing it to? In your head he should be happy as compared to other people you both have it good. In his head he’s probably thinking that 2020 is worse than other years of his life so yeah, it’s only a 5! It’s not a like for like comparison

ParisianLady · 02/11/2020 13:18

I think it's perfectly normal to feel that day-to-day life is rather tedious and boring.

Whilst nothing is 'wrong' with my life, ask me at the moment how happy I am and I'd say 6/10 on a normal day, on a bad one 4/10.

You asked your husband a question, he gave you an honest answer. You seem quite agitated by what is a fairly normal answer.

Take some time to reflect, talk to him about what he can do to improve things, what you could do together to make life a bit less dull.

Thinkingg · 02/11/2020 13:18

I feel so utterly crushed and simultaneously really angry. I've been stewing on it for a week

Overdramatic much? He has every right to feel whatever he feels. He doesn't have to feel happy all the time, however flash his car is. Stop being so controlling and assuming it's all due to you.

I'd gently ask if there was anything I could do, maybe discuss a few ideas, and accept that it's hard to be cheery all the time while missing normal life and watching the country go down the drain.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/11/2020 13:20

You asked, he answered. You can't then complain about his answer. In your eyes he has plenty to be grateful for, but I think boredom is a perfect reasonable symptom of 2020. It's not your responsibility to make him happier but your reaction to his 5/10 suggests you have suspicions about other parts of your marriage.

EpochTime · 02/11/2020 13:20

OP, your message is like a person going to see their GP who goes into great detail about a pain in a particular part of their body and right at the end of the conversation the person says 'by the way, while I'm here, could you look at this lump'. What makes you wonder if he's had to end an affair due to Covid?
The five out of ten thing is nothing to worry about - he didn't specifically say that you're the reason it's only five. He's a glass half empty kind of man, obviously.

Igglepigglesgrubbyblanket · 02/11/2020 13:21

Yeah... I think you need to unclench! Most people are pissed off at the minute, doesn't mean he's unhappy with you.

Seagrassorchid · 02/11/2020 13:21

I can completely relate and see where your husband is coming from.

I would rate my life about 6/10 because of Boredom. I have lovely children, good career, nice house, husband etc.. but, I am somebody who tends to live in the future and I constantly need things to look forward to. It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate, just something different.

Some people are able to live in the moment And enjoy it more than others.

Allthedoggos · 02/11/2020 13:21

I lived with someone like this for years. Just never ever content with his life or what we had. I remember being stood in Selfridges having a row about how miserable he was yet again (he was always also 'bored') and asking him "well what would make you happy then?? Go on tell me, and we'll do it, we can split up and sell the house if being with me is making you unhappy, you can give up your job and retrain, we can move abroad..just WHAT???". He had no answer. There were other issues but this was one of the main ones, he was just never ever happy or content with anything, everything was always shit and boring unless we were on a far flung glamourous holiday. I've thanked the Lord every day of the pandemic we're not still together as it would have been fucking horrendous. Some people just seem to have a total inability to be grateful and content. It's really wearing to live with, I feel for you.

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 13:22

Surprised at these answers. I suspect if the genders were reversed the responses would be very different, happiness is jot about what you have, ask anyone with depression. If he’s bored and dissatisfied then he’s bored and dissatisfied. It’s not a failing on his part

I simply can imagine asking my husband this and if he said five responding with im devastated!, I’m crushed! How dare you not be happy! “ and then wondering if he’d been cheating

And if a man came on and said my wife says she feels like this, and I’m devastated and crushed she does, how dare she, I wonder if she’s been shagging someone else, he’d have had his arse handed to him

ChasingRainbows19 · 02/11/2020 13:22

We are going through a pandemic. He can feel a bit down if he wants. It sounds like he has a lovely family life, but let’s face it, it’s not the greatest time right now.

I’m in a secure job and everyone’s ok but I’m hardly my normal positive self atm. It’s not a reflection of my life in general: I have a great partner, I’m happy with my lot and I’m not ungrateful but life isn’t great right now. I’m bored too, I haven’t done much of the things i love and even when you go for a meal for example it’s just not the same is it? I miss friends and family. My work role isn’t the same due to covid restrictions.

Have another chat and explain it’s worried you. Why you threw in the cheating curveball I’m not sure u less there’s been signs previously?

mamaoffourdc · 02/11/2020 13:22

Could he be depressed? That easily could make him only feel like a 5 when his life seems perfect

Sadhoot · 02/11/2020 13:23

I'm sorry, but you're being a bit melodramatic. Lots of people are unhappy and depressed in the current circumstances. Life has ground to a halt. Yes, it's important to count your blessings but it does feel a bit like living under house arrest at the moment - and that grinds you down.

Trisolaris · 02/11/2020 13:23

Also, this is quite similar to a conversation that I just had with a colleague.

We both reflected that we had our jobs, health and comfortable place to live so were pretty lucky as the worst thing we had to complain of was . . . Boredom. I think depending on how a question was framed I could easily rank my life right now a 5 (compared to previous years) or an 8 (compared to other peoples situations)

Pokerfaced · 02/11/2020 13:23

Why are you taking the 5 as a personal insult? We’re in the middle of a pandemic, and lots of people are bored and anxious, whatever kinds of car they drive.

grapewine · 02/11/2020 13:23

You're being incredibly dramatic. 5/10 seems pretty normal to me day to day. I'm with him on 2020 being boring.

But besides that you asked him, and he answered honestly. No need to stew.

Lougle · 02/11/2020 13:24

He isn't saying that life with you is a 5/10. Just that life is 5/10. Material goods don't translate in to a sense of fulfilment, often. Perhaps he has a deeper dissatisfaction with life. There is a reason that the phrase 'midlife crisis' is so well known. He'd attained everything, yet feels dissatisfied.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 02/11/2020 13:24

Gosh - I think you are overreacting a little! It’s been a shit year. You are so much to be thankful for but it doesn’t mean you don’t feel a little flat.

Chill oot!

Suzi888 · 02/11/2020 13:25

I agree, he’s missed out on holidays which he clearly loves. You didn’t ask him to rate your marriage, you asked to rate his life. HmmIt has been a crap year for many, just because you have nice things, it’s all relative!