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Original poster

DP rates his happiness 5 out of 10 and I'm devastated

118 replies

PickleWithEverything · 02/11/2020 13:10

Last week, in an attempt to "take the pulse" of my marriage, i asked my DP how happy he felt with his life on a scale of 1 to 10, and he said "five".

I was really shocked. I was expecting an 8, maybe a 7 on a bad day. I just think he is so ungrateful and unrealistic - our life is as good as it is ever going to be and it makes me worry about the future.

He has a good career which is not at risk (a massive blessing vs a lot of people), two beautiful healthy kids who adore him, he drives a flashy car, our mortgage is nearly paid off on our lovely 4 bedroom home, he is healthy and has a good group of friends he sees a few times a month (could be more but he can't be bothered to and obviously harder in 2020 to have fun with mates), his parents and brother are healthy and live nearby.

I asked why only a 5 and he said, "I'm just really bored." I asked what would help him feel less bored and he said it is just 2020 has been shit missing out on holidays.

I feel so utterly crushed and simultaneously really angry. I've been stewing on it for a week. Some people have had a truly awful year and we simply haven't. We were skiing at New Year, we managed to have a week on the south coast in August, we didn't lose a penny on our cancelled holidays.

I don't know how to live with someone who has so little appreciation for how good their life is. If you can't be happy in the good times, it'll be a disaster when things get worse.

How can I help him to feel happier with his life? Is it my responsibility to do so? Is it somehow my fault - because with everything else in life being pretty great it seems to me perhaps it's our marriage that isnt satisfying him.

I did wonder if covid meant he had had to end an affair.

I simply can't account for how boredom alone can reduce your happiness to measly 5!

Thoughts or suggestions, anyone?

OP posts:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/11/2020 15:18

I don't know how to live with someone who has so little appreciation for how good their life is. If you can't be happy in the good times, it'll be a disaster when things get worse.

I can see others disagree, but he does like a bit of misery to me! Yes, it's been a crappy year so I can see why he wouldn't be a 9, but otherwise his life sounds fine.

Has he ever experienced anything truly awful, OP, for example, a relative being very ill, job loss, real money worries, etc.? Just my personal experience but I've sometimes found that people who've never really experienced anything bad get more upset over minor things.

If you think this might be the case, perhaps you could suggest getting involved in something that helps people who are truly in difficulties. DH and I realized a few years back that our children had no concept of what a privileged life they had so as a family, we got involved with some local homeless charities. Last weekend we spent an afternoon making soup and sandwiches to be distributed that evening. It puts life in perspective when you realize that a turkey sandwich and a bowl of soup might be the only food someone has in a day.

ReneeRol · 02/11/2020 15:28

I find that people who ask questions and then get angry when they hear an answer they don't want, always have partners who are "emotionally detached" from them.

There's no emotional connection with people (like you) who expect others to reflect their feelings. It's a very narcissistic mentality.

He's entitled to his own feelings, if you could get over yourself and respect them, you might be able to build an emotional connection. Then maybe he would rate his happiness higher than a five.

Cheeseandwin5 · 02/11/2020 15:29

You sound like a horror show.
Honestly if I was your DH i would have given a much lower score than 5.
You ask him a question, he gives you an answer and the reason which is nothing to do with you but becauses of the situaions and stresses cause by the year.
Instead of thinking how you could both be happier, you make it all about yourself and accusing him of being a cheat or a misery.
What an absolute disgrace. You sound awful and controliing.

Cheeseandwin5 · 02/11/2020 15:56

@CuriousaboutSamphire
What you have there is a glass always half empty pessimist. Bad luck!

@AmICrazyorWhat2 he does like a bit of misery to meI feel

These are the kind of answers which will would only be wriiten if the person is a DH. If the shoe was on the other foot, there would be screamings of lack of understanding and abuse.

a) you can not control someone elses feelings. Everyone has the right to feel how they do and its ridicolous to think how you feel should be how everyone else feels
b) the DH was not comparing his life with other ppl, but with previous years in his own life
c) the DH was not saying it to upset or as a negative to the OP. It is how he felt, the reasons were directly to do with the situation and rammifications of Covid.
d) Why should I be happy just because other ppl had it worse.
Should I be happy that as a woman I am paid less that my male colleagues because previously women didnt reach that level.

Using the logic of the OP, no one would be able to complain, cause other ppl have it worse (not sure what would happen to Mns if this was followed) . The irony being that she is doing the same or actually worse thing then she is complaining about.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/11/2020 17:26

@Cheeseandwin5

You've got it completely wrong in my case. I'm diagnosed with GAD (now medicated) and have felt suicidal and very negative in the past. But because I love my DH, I've tried not to share my negativity with him. I talk to a professional about it.

If he asked me how I was feeling out of 10, I'd focus mainly on the positives and never tell him I was feeling 5/10 or lower. He doesn't share all his worries/negative thoughts with me either. Can't you see how that would hurt a partner?

Do most people tell their partners they feel 5/10? Perhaps DH and I are in the minority.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/11/2020 17:28

I think not sharing your negativity is the opposite of a narcissist. It's focusing on the other person's feelings, not your own!

Callardandbowser · 02/11/2020 17:41

You’ve asked him how he feels. He’s told you honestly and you feel angry with him about it and personally “crushed”.
If I were you I’d get very curious about your own reaction to his honesty.
You’re not responsible for his happiness or unhappiness. He needs to take responsibility for himself.
But you mustn’t minimise hoe he feels or tell him that his feelings are not reasonable or valid. It’s how he feels. He needs from you empathy and love not anger and upset.

ClementineWoolysocks · 02/11/2020 17:41

Do people really ask other people to rate their happiness? I'd probably give a shitty answer to such a stupid question too.

Requinblanc · 02/11/2020 17:47

You asked him a question and he was honest with you.

Also you are over-reacting a bit...

You asked him how happy he is in life in general, not just his marriage.

Everyone is feeling pretty depressed about the state of the world at the moment and it is hard to feel blissfully happy with everything that is going on.

Frankly personally if a partner asked me to rate my life on the scale to assess how well our relationship was doing, I would find it just really naff and annoying. If I was unhappy with them, they would know because I would tell them...

cheeseismydownfall · 02/11/2020 17:54

I see where you are coming from, but aren't you confusing being "thankful" with being "happy"?

Similar to you, we have been relatively unscathed financially or otherwise so far, and yes, I am very thankful for that, and very aware of lucky we are compared to many. But I think that being "happy" about this would actually be quite an odd reaction. Like saying "Yay, I'm so happy that so many people are having a truly shit time, and actually we're not doing too badly!".

Like your DH my life is currently lacking many of the things that give me joy, both in the anticipation and fulfilment - travel especially. I'm not exactly unhappy, but yes, I'm bored. And I find the backdrop of constantly awful news (both in terms of covid, other shit stuff and the longer term environmental crisis) kind of puts a cap on my happiness levels tbh.

EarthSight · 02/11/2020 17:59

I can understand why you feel annoyed or offended, but if you show that, it will come across as punishing him for something he can't help, and he will then not communicate his real emotions to you in future.

Some people don't thrive or feel happy in peaceful, placid or easy environments. They need an element of adversity, risk, obstacles or even hardship. You probably don't want to hear thst since you have children to look after, but it's the way it is with some people. It sounds like he wants to be challenged or he needs to switch jobs and learn something new.

Anordinarymum · 02/11/2020 18:02

Sorry but I find it hard to feel sorry for someone who wants to brag about career, mortgage free, lovely home lots of holidays flashy car, why tell us you have four bedrooms? Oh and your poor husband.. I would say 5/10 is not bad considering what an awful life you have :(

Haworthia · 02/11/2020 18:02

The world is a disaster and I wouldn’t rate my happiness levels very highly right now. It has nothing to do with my marriage.

It sounds like you feel entirely responsible for your husband’s happiness. You’re not.

MrsGrindah · 02/11/2020 18:06

Why ask him if you didn’t want to know the true answer?

PamDemic · 02/11/2020 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SocialBees · 02/11/2020 18:11

I'm with you OP. I'd be a bit gutted if my DH said that (given the background info about family, finances etc) and I'd find it hard not to take it personally as being a comment about our relationship.

EarthSight · 02/11/2020 18:12

@Anordinarymum

You sound like you gave serious sour grapes. She wasn't boasting and I find it interesting you interpreted it that way. Sounds like it touched a nerve with you. Are you one of those friends people can't share their success with because they know you'll make a sarcy comment or put them down because you're jealous?

She's counting her blessings.

Cam2020 · 02/11/2020 18:18

Bloody hell, you sound a bit intense, OP. You weren't really taking the pulse of your marriage, you wanted to hear everything is rosy. He's told you why he said 5:

I asked why only a 5 and he said, "I'm just really bored." I asked what would help him feel less bored and he said it is just 2020 has been shit missing out on holidays.

Some people have found this year more difficult than others, some are more optimistic/pessimistic than others. It might have been an, off day when you asked him.

Georgeoftheinternet · 02/11/2020 18:19

This backs up what I said - you can’t make someone feel a certain way.

Dustysilkflowers · 02/11/2020 18:20

@Seagrassorchid

I can completely relate and see where your husband is coming from.

I would rate my life about 6/10 because of Boredom. I have lovely children, good career, nice house, husband etc.. but, I am somebody who tends to live in the future and I constantly need things to look forward to. It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate, just something different.

Some people are able to live in the moment And enjoy it more than others.

This is exactly me. I really wish I could stop and just enjoy now.

Longwhiskers14 · 02/11/2020 18:35

All the reasons you list as reasons for him to be happy bar your children are materialistic and maybe he's reached a point where it's not about having a flash car, etc? Does he actually feel fulfilled in his job? Is there something else he'd rather be doing?

Georgeoftheinternet · 02/11/2020 19:14

@Longwhiskers14

Yep!

LilyLongJohn · 02/11/2020 22:19

You asked his opinion and he answered. Materialistic things don't always make people happy, he has to feel fulfilled and he's obviously not. I can understand him being bored tbh. You can still be bored and appreciate what you've got.

Plus, it's not your job to make him happier, he needs to do this. He can ask for help, but ultimately it's down to him.

SpongeWorthy · 02/11/2020 23:44

Never ask a question unless you want an honest answer.

If my partner asked me how happy I was being with them my answer would be different than if they asked me how happy I was with life in general. I love him to bits and he's my favourite bit of my life. That doesn't change the non-him related frustrations / difficulties / times of life I am going through at any one time.

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/11/2020 12:39

@AmICrazyorWhat2
*
But because I love my DH, I've tried not to share my negativity with him. I talk to a professional about it.
If he asked me how I was feeling out of 10, I'd focus mainly on the positives and never tell him I was feeling 5/10 or lower. He doesn't share all his worries/negative thoughts with me either. Can't you see how that would hurt a partner?
Do most people tell their partners they feel 5/10? Perhaps DH and I are in the minority.*

Apologies - I didn't mean to seem I was being negative to how you would react.
I would say there is a difference though, it seems to me that even if you were feeling sad/bad you wouldn't want your DH to know, which I assume is due to your MH issues That's up to you, but then you are not giving a truthful answer but the one you want him to hear.
Secondly if you did give a mark less than 5, would your DH blame you for not counting your blessings or would he, hopefully, try to help you feel better? What would you do if the reversal happened?

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