DP rates his happiness 5 out of 10 and I'm devastated

[PickleWithEverything]

Last week, in an attempt to "take the pulse" of my marriage, i asked my DP how happy he felt with his life on a scale of 1 to 10, and he said "five".

I was really shocked. I was expecting an 8, maybe a 7 on a bad day. I just think he is so ungrateful and unrealistic - our life is as good as it is ever going to be and it makes me worry about the future.

He has a good career which is not at risk (a massive blessing vs a lot of people), two beautiful healthy kids who adore him, he drives a flashy car, our mortgage is nearly paid off on our lovely 4 bedroom home, he is healthy and has a good group of friends he sees a few times a month (could be more but he can't be bothered to and obviously harder in 2020 to have fun with mates), his parents and brother are healthy and live nearby.

I asked why only a 5 and he said, "I'm just really bored." I asked what would help him feel less bored and he said it is just 2020 has been shit missing out on holidays.

I feel so utterly crushed and simultaneously really angry. I've been stewing on it for a week. Some people have had a truly awful year and we simply haven't. We were skiing at New Year, we managed to have a week on the south coast in August, we didn't lose a penny on our cancelled holidays.

I don't know how to live with someone who has so little appreciation for how good their life is. If you can't be happy in the good times, it'll be a disaster when things get worse.

How can I help him to feel happier with his life? Is it my responsibility to do so? Is it somehow my fault - because with everything else in life being pretty great it seems to me perhaps it's our marriage that isnt satisfying him.

I did wonder if covid meant he had had to end an affair.

I simply can't account for how boredom alone can reduce your happiness to measly 5!

Thoughts or suggestions, anyone?

I think my late husband and i would have rated less than a 5 at different times in our lives but it was neither of our faults; there are other things in life that make us unhappy, eg work, finances, being stuck in a rut, wanting something to happen and being disappointed, even feeling unwell! Don't take it personally.

What is he comparing it to? In your head he should be happy as compared to other people you both have it good. In his head he’s probably thinking that 2020 is worse than other years of his life so yeah, it’s only a 5! It’s not a like for like comparison
This.

Why shouldn't people acknowledge that this year has been a bit rubbish, or they're feeling a bit flat, or they're not as happy as usual this year?

I'd be annoyed and upset if my DH asked how I was feeling and then proceeded to be annoyed at my feelings or think I'm wrong for feeling that way / turning my feelings into a drama all about them (eg Am I not enough, you should be grateful, is it my responsibility to make you happy, I'm so angry that you feel thay way).

I'd not be happy or particularly comunicative in a relationship if I thought my partner had their own approved ideas of what's acceptable to think or feel.

Has he often been a glass half empty person? His unhappiness could be nothing to do with you at all.

If my DW asked me the same question, right now I would honestly say 2. The only things I really enjoy are travelling, whether it’s with my DW and sons or with my work (while it lasts). My job is unlikely to survive Brexit or Covid. Covid has stopped me traveling which is also killing business for us.

The sex in our marriage has never been frequent and is now non existent and even hugs and intimacy are diminished . For me this presents its self as losing the love of my DW. All I do is go to work, come home, clear up mess, make sandwiches, iron clothes, go to bed (to sleep) wake up, take son to school, arrive at work late. Where’s the fun in that? Yes I have a house and a car but if I don’t get orders soon it will all be lost.

So right now, I am on a 2 and would be ok with my DW knowing that.

Wow OP have you read that back.

You literally just go on & on & on about all the 'stuff' you have as to why he should be so happy. The car, the money, the holidays etc etc etc

When are people going to realise stuff doesn't make you happy.
He's unfulfilled clearly.

Well my own rating went from 10 to a 1 in last nine months as I seem to be on permanant lockdown and bored is right up there for the number 1 reason!
Reading between lines feel u are actually insecure OP. Maybe u worrying just too much about his answer? Maybe there was underlying reason, maybe subconsciously why u asked question in first place? There are other things besides holidays, comfortable living and secure job that are important to happiness. He may just be a tad depressed about Covid and lockdown generally and lack of freedom. I think u should worry more if answer to the question was I'm bored with my marriage tbh. Be kind to u ourself and yr marriage and don't overthink this situationx

@Haworthia
It sounds like you feel entirely responsible for your husband’s happiness. You’re not.

Does it though, not from my reading.
She expects him to be happy, because that's how she feels.
When she hears he is 5/10 her only thought is to accuse him of cheating or call him a grumpy pessimist.
Instead of understanding, tries to make it all about her!

If DP asked me to scale my happiness currently I’d probably say a 3. Doesn’t mean he can do anything to make that better or that I’m planning on leaving him. It’s just thoroughly crap out there and most of us are pissed off and bored.

I have also a huge number of blessings and I constantly count them.

I always have.

However, at the moment I am shit sick of counting my blessings and am feeling fed up of of living a restrictive, careful life.

5/10 sounds pretty good to me!

We can't fix other people.
This has been a very unsettling year for a lot of people.

God forbid he ever actually felt depressed rather than a bit bored and meh

I have a good life but I am only classing it as a 4 of 5. Yes married with dc who are lovely. Dh tends to be fairly boring and acts older than he is. But he's a good person.
I am totally missing things to look forward to. Have been in strict lockdown for weeks.
Leave you dh be. A five isn't bad.

Maybe I'll ask him, describe life when it's a 10 and see if I can figure out if his range is more extreme than mine!

I'd feel irritated if my DH asked for ratings like this.

What's behind you needing to do this? Do you usually think your role is to keep everyone happy?

I missed a holiday abroad this year, I've missed a few other events and it is a crap year.

Yes, DH and I so have our jobs. We finished paying our mortgage during lockdown...our youngest went to University this year with 3 A*...I qualified in a new career.....but it's still a crap year and is pretty boring and I can't do a lot of the things I'd like to.

It doesn't make me ungrateful..as you think about your DH. I agree with him.

Am I missing something here

You asked him how happy he was about life, not your relationship specifically. Life encompasses many other things, not just a relationship. I would imagine that a lot of people even in very happy relationships will be feeling about 5/10 or even lower, depending on their circumstances. Out of interest, did he ask you about your own happiness rating and fuss about how he can make your rating higher?

meh, I've got quite a nice life but I would probably still give it a 5 under the current circumstances! I think you are making about you, he didn't say he gives your relationship a 5/10, just his general life. He's being a bit of a pessimist, but it's been a tough year so it isn't the end of the world.

I’d focus on your own happiness rating - not his. A great many people are faced with some very difficult circumstances right now, and rather than his ‘happiness rating’ - I’d be far more concerned about his inability to be grateful and selfish attitude. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

Is that normally what his personality is?
Negative ned, sullen and sulky, hard done by type.

How is your happiness in your relationship?

utterly crushed and simultaneously really angry

It won't be helpful for you to base your happiness on how someone else is feeling.

This is something which is also a struggle for me. DH and I are complementary opposites, I tend to gush about the smallest kindness. It's a private joke that his highest form of praise is 'quite nice'.

Try and avoid comparing, thief of joy and all that.

I realise there may be other issues here, and others have pointed out that different personality types would answer the question differently, as would people who interpreted the question differently.

However, on a purely mathematical basis, 5 out of 10 is fine! Just average. Not great but not awful either, which given the state of the world today is pretty good, considering! I'm not sure what a distribution of happiness across the population would look like under "normal" circumstances, but I'd assume that the population average (however you measured that) was somewhere around 5...maybe a bit lower or higher. Obviously some people couldn't possibly be any happier (10) or any less happy(1), but I'd assume they were the minority. I'd also expect that the average happiness would be lower now than 12 months ago, and that if you'd managed to ask the same people the same question last year, the same would be the case. I don't think it's a criticism of your relationship at all.