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Original poster

DP rates his happiness 5 out of 10 and I'm devastated

118 replies

PickleWithEverything · 02/11/2020 13:10

Last week, in an attempt to "take the pulse" of my marriage, i asked my DP how happy he felt with his life on a scale of 1 to 10, and he said "five".

He has a good career which is not at risk (a massive blessing vs a lot of people), two beautiful healthy kids who adore him, he drives a flashy car, our mortgage is nearly paid off on our lovely 4 bedroom home, he is healthy and has a good group of friends he sees a few times a month (could be more but he can't be bothered to and obviously harder in 2020 to have fun with mates), his parents and brother are healthy and live nearby.

I asked why only a 5 and he said, "I'm just really bored." I asked what would help him feel less bored and he said it is just 2020 has been shit missing out on holidays.

I feel so utterly crushed and simultaneously really angry. I've been stewing on it for a week. Some people have had a truly awful year and we simply haven't. We were skiing at New Year, we managed to have a week on the south coast in August, we didn't lose a penny on our cancelled holidays.

I don't know how to live with someone who has so little appreciation for how good their life is. If you can't be happy in the good times, it'll be a disaster when things get worse.

How can I help him to feel happier with his life? Is it my responsibility to do so? Is it somehow my fault - because with everything else in life being pretty great it seems to me perhaps it's our marriage that isnt satisfying him.

I did wonder if covid meant he had had to end an affair.

I simply can't account for how boredom alone can reduce your happiness to measly 5!

Thoughts or suggestions, anyone?

OP posts:

ladybee28 · 02/11/2020 14:14

@Tiktaktoe

Christ almighty, leave the man alone! Just take a fucking chill pill, is there any need for the amateur dramatics? You pressurising him to 'be more grateful' are likely to have the complete opposite effect to the one you are after. Maybe work on yourself, and your need to catastrophise things, maybe you can't make it to drama club since lockdown?

U ok hun?

notalwaysalondoner · 02/11/2020 14:15

I think you need to calm down. I would often say my life is about 5-6/10 despite having many of the things you mentioned. But if you ask me about my relationship, that would normally get a 9-10/10. It makes my life infinitely better. So remember overall happiness isn’t just about you and your role in his life.

Some of us are just “Eeyore” types - I relate so much to the character Sadness in Inside Out. I have to work hard to be positive. That doesn’t mean I’m constantly dragging others down, just I’m not like my DH who is almost permanently 9/10 despite whatever is going on in our lives. I’m surprised you hadn’t realised this about your DH by now though if he is a natural pessimist. Like others have said, this year has been crap even for those of us that are less affected, and with the new lockdown the vast majority of us are at least mildly depressed and worried about the future. So give him a break and don’t overreact.

AgentJohnson · 02/11/2020 14:18

Did you really want to ‘take the pulse’ of his feelings or did you want confirmation of where you think he should feel? Your hyperbole speaks volumes.

daisydukes26 · 02/11/2020 14:18

You are massively over reacting.

I had a shitty day last week, I would have given you the number 3 had you asked me. Today I'm an 8. So it completely varies day to day.

The affair is a complete curve ball. If you think he is having an affair then he obviously isn't happy. But a separate issue that needs working out

bethany39 · 02/11/2020 14:20

How have you been behaving towards him the last week if you're still this angry a week later?

I notice you don't list your marriage in the list of things he has to be fantastically happy about. If my partner chose to get angry with me about something as banal as this I probably wouldn't be "8 out of 10" levels of happy either, particularly if they had been a bit grumpy and sulky with me about it (not saying you have been).

Have a think about what you're actually angry with him about OP - you're taking this personally for a reason. Do you feel you make a lot of effort for him to have a "nice" life and you're personally offended that he doesn't seem to appreciate it?

ImMoana · 02/11/2020 14:21

It’s not your responsibility to raise his 5 and I don’t think 5 is dreadful. If he’d had said 1 or 2 then I’d be worried about him.
5 for me is pretty much ‘existing’. He doesn’t feel like he’s winning or losing.
That’s not an unreasonable place to be right now, even given his comfortable life.
My only concern is if he was regularly a doom and gloom sort of person who would bring you down. Then it might become an issue.

BrimFullOfAsher · 02/11/2020 14:23

Not RTFT yet but you DID ask him how happy he felt with HIS life right?

Not how lucky he feels in comparison to other, less fortunate people?

Sally2791 · 02/11/2020 14:25

Do you think he was trying to provoke you with his answer? Do you have grounds for believing he was having an affair?
His happiness is not your responsibility, but perhaps there are some issues to look into.
However,he may just be a miserable spoilt brat who cannot appreciate his blessings.

MotherOfDragons85 · 02/11/2020 14:25

I don’t think this is something that should upset you. 2020 has been a rough year for everyone, I mean, really it IS boring, I’m bored, not bored of my relationship or my family life though, just generically bored, feels like at the moment there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I miss being spontaneous and just deciding to go and do something, I miss planning days out and holidays. Even simple things like going inside a building without wearing a mask, it does ruin the experience of things for me personally. Everything just feels a bit “meh” it’s been a big adjustment for everyone.

Tiktaktoe · 02/11/2020 14:25

Sorry OP, crossed post. I see now why you do it, but still the over dramatising of events will do your relationship no favours.

workhomesleeprepeat · 02/11/2020 14:26

You’re taking this so personally! It’s been a hard year. Chill out and talk to each other more. Then you might actually get an idea of how he really feels in the day to day. Asking for a rating out of ten out of the blue is kind of bizarre to me

LeaveMyDamnJam · 02/11/2020 14:26

Seriously. Don’t ask him to qualify his response with a description of his 10 life. At best this behaviour is tiresome. If you are worried about him, have a mature discussion, not a daft magazine quiz analysis.

Vallmo47 · 02/11/2020 14:26

I actually feel that a rating of 5/10 during a global pandemic is very reasonable and it shows how happy he is with his family life. It’s not about possessions - maybe he feels greatly for other people in much more sinister situations. Does he watch the news a lot? That does impact on my mood. If someone is having a horrific year, whether I know them or not, I am able to place myself in their shoes and feel for them. Maybe he’s the same and this shit storm of a year has made him a bit ‘meh’ about everything. That’s perfectly normal. I’d take a five and run with it and just say how much you’re looking forward to improving that score as years go on and we are not muzzled like dogs. Yes, it could be way worse for you by the sounds of it and that’s great. It doesn’t mean it’s an 8/10 time overall.

Try to let this one go. Ask again once this is all over and you have loads of things to look forward to again.

Mistymonday · 02/11/2020 14:29

Maybe his life is too good, he takes it for granted and doesn’t know what real troubles look like? Did he have a comfortable childhood? Might be unfair but just a suggestion meant kindly.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/11/2020 14:32

I’ll be honest:

You sound controlling

MessAllOver · 02/11/2020 14:35

We all have low points. I'm overwhelmed with (boring) work at the moment, had to cancel a seaside trip next week and DS's nursery has had a confirmed Covid case (thankfully not his bubble), which has brought home to me that we'll probably be spending 14 days confined to the house with a toddler soon. So today I feel about 3/10.

In reality, like your DH, I'm incredibly fortunate, healthy, financially secure and hoping by the end of the week to have more of a grip on how I feel and stop being so self-pitying.

grapewine · 02/11/2020 14:35

I understand better after your updates but do try to relax.

nolovelost · 02/11/2020 14:38

You have probably made it a bigger issue to be honest but he does sound a bit spoilt I'm afraid. I've not had a holiday for years, like a lot of others. You've had 2 holidays in a year, some people don't have 1 as it is.

vanillandhoney · 02/11/2020 14:40

I think everyone feels a bit crap this year. Even if you're not really affected by COVID on the surface, everyone has had their lives changed in some way or other.

Not being able to do your normal activities, having to wear a mask, social distancing - it all has a big impact on people's mental health. I also think it's extra hard as we've been through lockdown, society has re-opened and now we're back facing the same shit again, but this time with crap, cold and wet weather. It's going to be much harder this time around.

On the surface my life has changed very little - we both still work, no financial concerns, we've done up our house - lots to feel positive about, but it's not the same. I can't just go round to see my parents. We're both self-employed so are reluctant to go anywhere that requires us to "check in" as it would potentially mean us losing a lot of income.

I think you need to take a step back. Everyone is struggling with COVID. It's totally normal to feel a bit "meh" about things right now.

dottiedodah · 02/11/2020 14:42

I think most people if they are honest with themselves feel anxious .The past few months have been pretty awful TBH. We have never been in such a position before ,and have nothing to compare it to! Even if he is comfortably off and having nice holidays, a decent car and so on ,he may still feel restless or maybe not motivated .Many people would probably not feel brave enough to take the "pulse" of their marriage whatever that is! On a different day he may have said 7 or 8 ,but few people will ever say 9 or 10 because we all need something to strive for.Instead of stewing for a week ,why not ask him outright what he meant by it?

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 02/11/2020 14:46

Lots of people are feeling unhappy due to COVID. The uncertainty, not being able to see friends.... That stuff can get a person down, without necessarily saying anything about the state of their marriage. I've managed to get away this year, but I still feel down about not being able to do the things I usually would.

Also... you serious think a flashy car is something to be considered when assessing how happy someone should be? That's a strange outlook.

ginsparkles · 02/11/2020 14:50

I think this depends on whether he is usually a glad half full or glass half empty person. I'm usually a half full so a five from me would be something wrong. But for others 5 might be where they usually are.

Currently I can see where he is coming from, I'm not bored but I'm a 5, I'm sad. I miss our trips, I feel beaten down by everything and feel it's a bit never ending. My relationship with DH is different because of how we are both feeling and because we haven't had our usual escapes away. This year is weird, people are feeling out of sorts. We are also very fortunate in the way you describe but that doesn't stop me feeling down about things. I know things could be worse, which is why is a 5 not a 1 or 2! But it's still ok to feel low even when your life is relatively ok.

I think bored is probably not what he is genuinely feeling. I'd keep talking to him. He's probably finding this stuff hard.

Graciebobcat · 02/11/2020 14:54

I wouldn't take it so personally and you are certainly not personally responsible for his happiness. Happiness is overrated anyway, it's really contentment you need to look for, inner peace I guess.

People are up and down, happy and sad but you will never feel content unless you are just happy with what you have and not always striving for something different. Obviously if you are in a shit situation or young and making your way in the world you will be striving for something different. But some people never appreciate all the good things they have when they have them and always want something else, and they will never feel content no matter how much money they have or how good things are.

peboh · 02/11/2020 15:01

I was really shocked. I was expecting an 8, maybe a 7 on a bad day. I just think he is so ungrateful and unrealistic - our life is as good as it is ever going to be and it makes me worry about the future.
^^
You don't get to be annoyed at how happy or unhappy somebody is. If you were to ask me my happiness levels right now it'd be a 4/5 that doesn't mean I'm unhappy with my dh, or my family. Just that life is shit right now.

3ormorecharacters · 02/11/2020 15:03

My DH might say something similar to this. We are really lucky in many respects and are fully aware of it, but holidays are really important to him and I know he has really felt the impact of only having one this year. Holidays aren't so important to me, I'm a homebird and happy pottering around the house all day, so I don't feel the same and have to remind myself that his priorities are different but still valid.

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