DP rates his happiness 5 out of 10 and I'm devastated

[PickleWithEverything]

Last week, in an attempt to "take the pulse" of my marriage, i asked my DP how happy he felt with his life on a scale of 1 to 10, and he said "five".

I was really shocked. I was expecting an 8, maybe a 7 on a bad day. I just think he is so ungrateful and unrealistic - our life is as good as it is ever going to be and it makes me worry about the future.

He has a good career which is not at risk (a massive blessing vs a lot of people), two beautiful healthy kids who adore him, he drives a flashy car, our mortgage is nearly paid off on our lovely 4 bedroom home, he is healthy and has a good group of friends he sees a few times a month (could be more but he can't be bothered to and obviously harder in 2020 to have fun with mates), his parents and brother are healthy and live nearby.

I asked why only a 5 and he said, "I'm just really bored." I asked what would help him feel less bored and he said it is just 2020 has been shit missing out on holidays.

I feel so utterly crushed and simultaneously really angry. I've been stewing on it for a week. Some people have had a truly awful year and we simply haven't. We were skiing at New Year, we managed to have a week on the south coast in August, we didn't lose a penny on our cancelled holidays.

I don't know how to live with someone who has so little appreciation for how good their life is. If you can't be happy in the good times, it'll be a disaster when things get worse.

How can I help him to feel happier with his life? Is it my responsibility to do so? Is it somehow my fault - because with everything else in life being pretty great it seems to me perhaps it's our marriage that isnt satisfying him.

I did wonder if covid meant he had had to end an affair.

I simply can't account for how boredom alone can reduce your happiness to measly 5!

Thoughts or suggestions, anyone?

Christ almighty I'd rate my own perfect life at about 5 right now, or less.

2020 has been crap. I'd find it really, really odd if DH went on a week long strop, thought there was something sinister and wanted to fix it

utterly crushed and simultaneously really angry
Are you always so OTT?
What do you want? him to be enthusing his delight constantly?
Material things aren’t always the thing that makes everyone happy, I think we’ve all been reflecting more this year.

Who isn’t bored in 2020? I have a decent job, lovely child, great friends but the monotony of restrictions plus also not being able to be spontaneous when doing things grinds you down even if the rest of your life is good. A five isn’t even that bad.

You seem to take this as a direct reflection on you. Also the curve ball about an affair ending is quite a leap. I think that’s the issue rather than some random scale that could mean anything

Last week, in an attempt to "take the pulse" of my marriage, i asked my DP how happy he felt with his life on a scale of 1 to 10, and he said "five".

Asking someone how happy they are with their entire life is a completely different question from how happy they are with their marriage (only one part of one’s life). So your reacting to his 5 in 10 answer as if it were about your relationship is confusing to me. Also, if you know anything about happiness and depression, you’d know that it does not discriminate between well off and poor. The outside trappings of success (nice home, loving family, flashy car, good career) do not create happiness. In addition, take a minute to look up the happiness curve by age. For all people, our most unhappy years in our life are during middle age.

Women like this are why my DP used to (only semi-jokingly) avoid questions like this from me, yelling "It's a TRAP!" and backing out of the room.

It's taken him years to learn that when I ask a question, I'm not going to judge him or bite him for the answer – because he's been in relationships before where situations and reactions like this were the norm.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't, and forced into lying to your spouse for a quiet life.

It must feel shit.

5/10.

God you sound like hard work OP

mmm... on the one hand I can see it's a pain to live with someone who complains about being "bored". I had an ex like that and it used to wind me up because I'd think - well fucking find something to do then because there is so much you can do in life!
If he's like this all the time and has no interests or hobbies then I'd be annoyed by him.

Having said that, these are exceptional times and lots of people are struggling. The fact that he still has a good career etc. doesn't mean that in times like these he will be happy with his lot because others have been more badly affected by the pandemic.
If you asked me how happy I am at the moment I'd probably say around 5 too and normally I'm an 8 kind of person. The reasons are that I am not able to meet friends (and I'm single so it really does mean I have next to no company); nearly all of the activities which make me happy have had to be cancelled; my income is down though stable and not likely to drop further. I've not been able to travel which is an important part of my normal life. I'm not bored because I have found things to do but I'm not particularly happy either.

I think you need to let this 5 out of 10 thing go and maybe reassess next year when things are more normal. You really can't judge what he really feels about his life by asking him to rate his happiness on a scale of 1 to 10 in the middle of a pandemic.
He also has a right NOT to be particularly happy if that's how he feels. It's irrelevant that others are in a much worse situation.
What he shouldn't be doing though, is rolling around moaning and whinging about being bored. So if he has been doing this and there's more to it than just coming out with the 5/10 statement, then I probably would be annoyed and would tell him to find something to do.

Also, why do you suggest that he's had to end an affair? Is there a reason not to trust him? What is the backstory here?

My DH would probably say 5, but he’s a bit of grump, but also more level. Doesn’t have big ups or downs. So bad day would be a 4 and really good day 6.

If I asked my dh, he would say the same, or even lower. He’s got nothing to be miserable about but he will never be above a 6 as he’s a glass is pretty much empty kind of person.
Don’t take it personally though the ending the affair sounds like that’s more in need of urgent attention than his score.

There must have been a reason you felt the need to ask this question in the first place. Were you feeling insecure? He has given you an honest answer so feeling angry about this is not justified, but are there other things going on?

If you really wanted to “check the pulse “ of your marriage then listening to his answer is prudent. Not diving off the deep end, declaring you’re devastated and can’t live with someone like him and wonder if he’s cheating, because he didn’t give you the answer you wanted

So you weren’t checking rhe pulse of your marriage. You just wanted him to tell you he was incredibly happy so you could go on your way.

Next time either don’t ask him or make it clear the only answer you’ll accept is a seven or eight, although I’m sure he now knows that, and that you don’t really give a shit what the truth is, and if he tells you anything other than you wish to hear, then you’re going to create Merry hell.

Some people are just naturally half glass empty types and it’s not your responsibility to make him happy . I think your reaction is OTT but also the fact you feel he may have been having an affair would insinuate that everything is not as rosy as you make it sound .

It’s not your responsibility to improve that 5. You are already doing what you should be and your focus should be on protecting your kids during these turbulent times. If he’s bored then it’s his personal responsibility to find his own inner peace. What are you going to do? Start giving him tantric sex every day? You don’t even know if that would work. Just work on yourself and let him be an adult. You’re not his mother

Also if you think he has just ended an affair and that’s why he is bored, why check your marriage, you already know it’s not good.

A few people on here are being too hard on you, OP.

Something must have happened to destabilise you/make you feel insecure such that you needed to hear reassurance from him. What is it?

I can see both sides of this one actually. I do think it’s a tough year and I can see how a normal 7 or 8 could slide to a 5 under these circumstances - especially going into a second lockdown. However I also struggle to be around pessimists. I have a friend who will raise the negative aspect of every decision I ever make. I can guarantee it. I don’t want to be around negative people - I know what the negatives are and I’m choosing the positives. Thinking that I’m employed and I can pay the bills rather than “ I have to go to work” in an Eeyore voice. Is he negative normally? I know my comment is not massively helpful but I do see both sides of this. We all need to find meaning in our lives and it has nothing to do with ski holidays and flash cars.

Devastated is an extreme reaction---you aren't responsible for his happiness and seem to be personalising his feelings. It's not 5/10 because of you.
I do feel women should focus on their own happiness more and less of that of their DP (but not to the point of self-obsession). Although I do feel it's important to contribute to a partner's happiness but not be the sole source of it. Hope I make sense!
Focus on your own happiness and less on his--he can please himself (and will no doubt!)

You sound very dramatic - I bet you're always the "happy" friend aren't you? Just because you think your life is perfect doesn't mean he has to? Yes you might be comfortably well off compared to a lot of people but money and possessions don't necessarily translate to happiness. I'd say everyone's happiness level has took a bit of a dive lately - even if we haven't materially lost anything - this year has been crap all round and it's the lack of opportunities (whether or not you take them up) and the feeling that this will never end and life as we know it won't be the same for a long time (if ever) that is dragging people down. A sense of weariness and boredom hovers over everything at the moment

Unless there’s a major back story here I think you’re completely overreacting. You asked him and he answered, presumably honestly. Would you prefer he lied?

2020 has been pretty shit and while we can all try to count our blessings, it’s perfectly natural that at this stage many people are feeling quite worn down with it all. Surely when asked by their own partner a person is allowed to actually say how they feel, even if that’s just how they feel that particular day or week.

I feel like I’ve coped reasonably well and we’re luckier than a lot of people but to be quite honest if somebody asked me over the last 6 weeks or so to “rate” my happiness, there have been plenty of days I’d have said 5. I’d be a bit pissed off if DH decided to take offence and make it all about him!

If you asked me that question now I would say 10/10, because I have my newborn sleeping on my chest, my toddler napping, a great DH and my family are healthy. I couldn't possibly say less as after a difficult pregnancy I'm so grateful.
However our finances and my career have taken a massive hit this year, we've got tough and lonely times coming up, I'm gutted about what's happening in our country at the mo and my DH is very at risk in his job and it's worrying. The money worries weigh heavily.
So logically I know things could be better, which means logically I can't be 10/10. But I am. Because emotions aren't logical. And my scale doesn't work like someone else's.
So if things could be better yet I'm still 10, it applies that things could be a lot worse but your DH is still a 5. You've asked about a feeling not a rational accounting of his life on a worldwide scale. He feels what he feels.

In addition to what others have said you might be using different measures. He might view 5 as average which in the current situation is pretty damn good.

I have this issue when asked about pain by medical professionals. I have a lifelong condition which is normally fine but has in the past been extremely painful. I'd put childbirth at 3-4/10. If a GP ever asks how much something hurts on a scale of 1-10 I lie because my 5 is most people's 10.

Yes, I am definitely being melodramatic I can see that - I'll take that on the chin! I am definitely a person of highs and lows. I guess I knew DP is more of a plateau person somehow I just thought he had plateaued higher than a 5.

I don't really think he was having an affair. I haven't noticed any signs he might be, other than that we arent especially close (he doesnt like emotional closeness so that's normal for him). I suppose I was just looking for reasons why he might be feeling low. Replacing a two week holiday overseas with a week in Dorset doesnt seem like a big deal to me, but he does really like going on holiday so perhaps it really has gotten to him.

I also take the point that perhaps his rating scale and mine aren't calibrated the same way. Maybe I'll ask him, describe life when it's a 10 and see if I can figure out if his range is more extreme than mine! Perhaps he's thinking 10 is a lottery win (yes, for him money is the key to unlocking his happiness - no judgement, that's just how he thinks- whereas I'm more spiritual than materialistic, I think).

I think I'd put myself at a 5 or maybe a 6 right now. Suspect DH would be the same. Doesn't mean we aren't conscious of how lucky we are compared to others or that we are massively depressed, but it's been a shit year. There's low level anxiety all of the time. The boredom is definitely a thing - we're both crazy busy with work and kids but not having any variety in what we do day-to-day has a surprising impact on us that neither of us expected as we're not exactly big party animals who socialise a lot.

I also know a lot of people who are really struggling with a lack of holidays. A close friend and her DH both work in the kind of jobs that require long hours, lots of bought in help etc. And they both love it. But they agreed early on in their relationship, re-iterated when they had kids, that really great holidays were core to them feeling like the work was worth it and they've really missed it this year (even though they've managed a couple of smaller/more local holidays). Doesn't make them miserable, but it definitely impacts them.

So I think you are being OTT.

However, if you were concerned about your marriage and you worried he had an affair, there's a bigger issue here and you should be addressing that. Not the random 5/10 your husband is saying he feels right now.

I check in on him and our marriage as he doesn't communicate well and struggles to discuss his feelings. Hence trying to score things rather than just have a chat. We went through a long tough patch eight years ago, and I learned that silence wasnt always golden (he got depressed without it being very obvious, suffering from work stress he said - although at the time I'm sure it had to do with his dad's cancer diagnosis that he repeatedly assured me wasnt bothering him at all).

Hmmm. It's so tricky! I just want him to feel happy, that's all. It seems such a shame just to drift through. But you are all right when you say he is entitled to feel however he wants. I will try to stop analysing it to death.
Thanks for the good advice and sharing of thoughts so far.

Christ almighty, leave the man alone!
Just take a fucking chill pill, is there any need for the amateur dramatics?
You pressurising him to 'be more grateful' are likely to have the complete opposite effect to the one you are after.
Maybe work on yourself, and your need to catastrophise things, maybe you can't make it to drama club since lockdown?