He's handsome, a high earner... but

[Coastingit]

Married for 11 years. 3 beautiful children. Zero sex life. WWYD?

Never a real sexual connection but a real life goals one - together from pretty young. Both uni educated but now me a SAHM and him a high earner. Wasn't how I saw my life going but...

I could be happy with our situation if I felt loved and valued. And I don't. We have mutual friends and a lovely social life and a lovely house in a lovely area.

But. I feel defensive, I feel self protective, I feel like I'm not being myself. He's sarcastic with the kids. He has no sexual interest in me, he watches porn and if I even hug him it's a suggestion that I want a super energetic multi position fuck. Which, realistically neither of us want or can be bothered with. I ache for a real emotional connection. He works 16 hours a day leaving me to deal with the kiddos who are very young and needy.

We went away this wkend for our anniversary, first night away in literally years. Haven't had sex in months. We both got drunk after naice meal. In hotel I drunkenly snoozily realised he was wanking into my arse cheeks. Finished and wiped it off, rolled over and went to sleep. I was shaking and upset, started to cry and then felt angry and had a go at him. Next morning he remembered and said sorry then hid his head. We didn't discuss it and nothing else was said, now he's being his usual emotionally distant self and I feel really upset by it. I feel like he probably does it regularly when I'm asleep (he works late and I'm regularly asleep before him).

Am I being over sensitive on this or is it fucked up? I'm really upset by it. I don't know what to do. I feel violated, basically.

Counselling for both you, ASAP.

Being handsome and a high earner isn't enough to build a life on. You say that you never wanted to be a SAHM. So how did you let yourself end up here? Not meaning to accuse you of anything, but somewhere along the way you got lost, and that's connected to how you feel in your marriage and what you'll put up with.

Best of luck OP. x

What @LondonCrone said. Not everyone is cut out for being an SAHP (I wasn’t) and there’s a huge amount to be said for retaining financial independence as well as the confidence which comes from being in paid employment.

During the first 5-6 years after our two were born, I worked 4 days a week. Given childcare costs, I pretty much just broke even (my DH paid for everything else) but we both regarded the childcare costs as an investment in my professional future which was in turn an investment in our family’s future. If you want to go back to work, you should do so.

Sounds as though you have lost your emotional connection. Easy to do when work and DC take over. And when porn takes over. If he is using porn regularly, this would explain a lot. It’s addictive and you read so many stories of women who have basically lost their partners to porn. It is often easier than building a strong emotional connection and if he is working long hours I can see how it appeals because it requires very little input compared to a marriage or proper relationship.

Relationship counselling may well help you both through this. Good luck to you xx

These replies are mad.

Relationship counselling ? He sexually assaulted you OP.

I'm sorry.

He used your arse as a wank sock?

And they say romance is dead........

Op, that sounds like sexual assault. You need help and support.

He might be handsome and a high earner but he is emotionally distant and not making you happy. You don't have to put up with this horrible behaviour. You are young enough to start again. With three young children and married for over 10 years, which is classified as a long marriage, it is very likely you would come out with either the house (or at least equity in it) possibly traded against his pension. He would have to pay you a fair wack with 3 small children. When the children are all settled into school you might decide you want to go back to work. If you were a single parent you would be entitled to benefits. I don't know how much that would be but I think there are calculators you could use, plus you.would get child benefit for first two and I don't think child maintenance is taken into account for benefits. Honestly don't settle for being under valued and unappreciated. There are so many nice men out there who would be emotionally there for you. You have only been married eleven years and if you are not madly in love now how does another 40 years together sound? I am not boasting but I have been married for 15 years and my dh treats me like a princess, nothing is too much trouble for him and he is so kind to my 3 DC from my first marriage. Don't settle for so little and it sounds like your husband is not even loving to your DC. That alone would be enough for me to want out.

Counselling? FFS the OP was sexually assaulted by her DH. Did you consent to what he did OP?

I think sexually assaulted is a bit of a reach ladies..unless you actually feel that way then I apologise x

@ikeadaimcake

I think sexually assaulted is a bit of a reach ladies..unless you actually feel that way then I apologise x

What makes it a reach? He engaged in sexual activity with a sleeping, non consenting person. In what way is it not sexual assault? Please do explain.

I cannot believe how dismissive people are being about you wondering if your husband regularly sexually assaults you? Ugh. This is awful. You need to leave him.

I don't know how I feel. I appreciate your replies, a lot, and am trying to work out what to do and how it's ok to feel. I do feel violated, but -

Dunno.

Thanks again for your replies, I just need to work out what to do. 11 years of marriage - and a few of relationship before that - is a long time.

@ikeadaimcake

I think sexually assaulted is a bit of a reach ladies..unless you actually feel that way then I apologise x

Also what's with the patronising 'ladies'.

Are you the arbiter of what happens to the bodies of 'ladies'?

Would it be different if we weren't 'ladies'? What would you have said if he'd wanked into the arse cheek of a non-consenting man?

I am his wife though. And he was drunk. And he's not violent.

@Coastingit

I am his wife though. And he was drunk. And he's not violent.

You are not his property. Being drunk does not mitigate his behaviour. Sexual assault does not have to be violent.

I'm not trying to be patronising as me and OH went through similar stages and their has been times where I have fell asleep and he has done the same thing I wouldn't call it sexual assault. As I said if she feels like she's been assaulted then I apologise.

Christ he sounds awful. Divorce him, make sure you get a good settlement so that your years of child rearing are recognised as a contribution to your marriage. He’s a high earner so can afford to support his DC to have two nice homes and you can find someone who loves and respects you enough to have sex WITH you, not ONTO you

@ikeadaimcake

I'm not trying to be patronising as me and OH went through similar stages and their has been times where I have fell asleep and he has done the same thing I wouldn't call it sexual assault. As I said if she feels like she's been assaulted then I apologise.

It's not about 'feelings'.

It's the law. You've also been sexually assaulted, btw.

But where is the line op? If he penetrated you whilst you were asleep would that be allowed because you're his wife? What he did was sexual assault, you didn't consent and he's made you feel violated. He sounds like he has no respect for you at all.

Bloody porn. So destructive to real relationships. Get rid would be my advice.

Jesus Christ these replies. I physically squirmed and clamped my legs shut reading about what he did in the hotel. You are right to feel violated - he violated you. Used you as an object. I'm so sorry OP but what he did was very, very wrong.

It's no wonder sexual assault is not taken seriously by society when a woman isn't even safe from her own husband and posters don't bat an eyelid.

@ikeadaimcake

I think sexually assaulted is a bit of a reach ladies..unless you actually feel that way then I apologise x

OP feels violated.

What he did IS legally and technically sexual assault (and morally repugnant too).

If they had a consenting sexual relationship it would still be massively overstepping, but the fact that he’s so contemptuous towards OP when she’s awake makes doing this while she’s asleep even worse.

Sorry to talk about you in the 3rd person OP x

@ikeadaimcake

I think sexually assaulted is a bit of a reach ladies..unless you actually feel that way then I apologise x

OP did not consent, just because he is married to her it doesn't make this okay. Just because she may have previously consented doesn't mean that this was okay. Just because he is nice looking and a high earner and not "that type of guy" doesn't mean that this is okay. I can't believe that this is something that even needs explaining anymore.

OP get counseling for you, you need support to make sense of this for yourself. I wish you well.

l drunkenly snoozily realised he was wanking into my arse cheeks

That's his idea of a sexually satisfying experience??

Dead.

@Coastingit

It doesn't sound good. What would YOU like to do? Try to get to a happy place with DH or without him?

Too much porn & wanking is clearly not helping your sex life, but I don't agree with some others that him wanking is sexual abuse. But if it made you feel violated or 'used' then thats up to you what you want to call it. But if you don't want him to do it near you, you need to make that very clear.