He's handsome, a high earner... but

[Coastingit]

Married for 11 years. 3 beautiful children. Zero sex life. WWYD?

Never a real sexual connection but a real life goals one - together from pretty young. Both uni educated but now me a SAHM and him a high earner. Wasn't how I saw my life going but...

I could be happy with our situation if I felt loved and valued. And I don't. We have mutual friends and a lovely social life and a lovely house in a lovely area.

But. I feel defensive, I feel self protective, I feel like I'm not being myself. He's sarcastic with the kids. He has no sexual interest in me, he watches porn and if I even hug him it's a suggestion that I want a super energetic multi position fuck. Which, realistically neither of us want or can be bothered with. I ache for a real emotional connection. He works 16 hours a day leaving me to deal with the kiddos who are very young and needy.

We went away this wkend for our anniversary, first night away in literally years. Haven't had sex in months. We both got drunk after naice meal. In hotel I drunkenly snoozily realised he was wanking into my arse cheeks. Finished and wiped it off, rolled over and went to sleep. I was shaking and upset, started to cry and then felt angry and had a go at him. Next morning he remembered and said sorry then hid his head. We didn't discuss it and nothing else was said, now he's being his usual emotionally distant self and I feel really upset by it. I feel like he probably does it regularly when I'm asleep (he works late and I'm regularly asleep before him).

Am I being over sensitive on this or is it fucked up? I'm really upset by it. I don't know what to do. I feel violated, basically.

Fuck the counselling, that's awful.
I'd get rid personally. If he's minted take him to the cleaners. This episode aside which is bad enough - you sound miserable with him OP.

Hi Op l am sitting on fence here ,a few or a couple of posters have asked if your husband is gay,cause of the fact he ejaculated onto your backside, I too think maybe he could have bit/some bi sexual tendancies ,its not that out there, its bit more common than people relieze in society,
But he could equally be 100 hetro sexual and just have a thing about your arse .😊

Being his wife doesn't give him the right to wank into you. That's gross

Do you think he has done this before many times when you're asleep? Are you a very heavy sleeper when you have drink on you? It sounds like the 2 of you are desperately unhappy and each has their dysfunctional form of escapism

Hi Op I have just had a re think ,I think you should get shot rid of husband A.s.a.p you deserve way far far better than this,!
I don't know why I thought otherwise sorry..
Best of Luck

ps (the other posters have made me come to my senses about your situation !

This was me a year ago OP. Dh wouldn't go to counselling despite my begging for months. He eventually did but only 3 times andI had to Verbally and emotionally push him into each session and nothing changed. I was so lonely emotionally and so bored. I dont want to spell my life out on here. But we’ve separated. Ive met someone else and am completely blown away by how amazing sex and a connection can be with someone again.

It hasnt been easy, its been hard and messy and heartbreaking. But I also feel more alive than i have in years. Dont stay in something that slowly kills you.

Name changed as this is a rather sensitive subject.

I'm a guy - I'm not particularly handsome and I'm not a high earner, however something I've experienced in the last decade or so is a handful of women who near got into an emotional affair with me (I always made it plain I wouldn't go there and, to be fair, I doubt they would have taken it into actual infidelity) and their story was almost always the same: they wanted someone they could talk to, especially someone who appreciated good conversation or shared their interests or was empathic or who, I don't know, actually "clicked" with them. And in all cases they were married to a man who was handsome, who was a high earner, who was tall and/or fit - the whole aspirational partner. In many cases these men were actually nice enough, non-abusive blokes. But now being in their forties and fifties all of them complained how they felt neglected, how they felt they had nothing in common - in fact had never had anything in common. I just found it tragic. Yes, they had the whole "country living" lifestyle and picture-perfect husband. I guess when they got together they felt they'd won the lottery. Yet, for all that, they felt desperately lonely.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say - only that, going from the people I've known - it doesn't get any better.

He is handsome, a high earner - but that does not excuse his behaviour towards you. What happened the night away to me sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back.
Your married to a man who has no respect for you. He is scarcastic to you and your 3 young children. In time they will pick up on this and think this is ok.
You have a good education but became a stay at home mother probably due your husband working long hours and his high earnings.
From what you have told us your very unhappy and your relationship is long dead. Along with this your drinking most nights and being honest that will make your more depressed, will effect your health and being hungover with the noise of 3 small kids must be horrible.

In your case I don't think your husband will go to relate because he refuses to chat and acknowledge his bad behaviour towards you.
At this stage I would gather up all your financial information including his pension details and go to a family law solicitor in a different town to see what your are entitled to. If you had savings and put money towards buying the house bring prof of this also.

Don't tell anyone that you are doing this because you don't want your husband finding out or have someone say but you have 3 kids, a lovely house ect so why are you doing this?
I know you might get give me another chance from your husband once he realises that it will cost him money for a divorce and his life going forward won't be as comfortable or look as good to the outside world.

The reality is that your doing this due to his horrible behaviour which is making you and in time your children's life a misery.

I would do this 1st and once you get things in motion I would then look to get back into work force. You might need to update your skills but even working part time will benefit you and not just money wise.
I know a lady who has 3 kids and she job shared for a while. She had 3 kids under 6 at one stage. When her children got a bit older she got a job with full time hours during the school terms time. Her oldest is doing A levels this year and the other two are in secondary school. She told me it was not easy when she had 3 kids under 6. She knew herself that despite loving her kids that for her own sake she needed to work outside the home.

I know it not going to be easy to do this. You and your kid's deserve to live in a home without listening to your husbands horrible comments and him treating you like he is. They deserve a happy childhood and long term listening to their father make little of them and you they won't have this.

You are not being over-sensitive, @Coastingit. In fact you sound desensitised by it all and so are not reacting as strongly as you might otherwise. It is a absolutely fucked up.

He sexually assaulted you. It is entirely natural that you don’t feel comfortable sleeping next to him - please, please don’t.

You’ve had a few odd replies here. Couples counselling such as Relate is definitely not advisable when there has been abuse, as in your case. Any decent counsellor will tell you this. You may well want individual counselling to help you find your way forward though.

You ask where to draw the line - I’d say here. This is where you draw the line.

Ask him to leave, at least temporarily so that you can feel safe and gather yourself. It may be trickier with lockdown, but please seek advice: www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

At the very least ask him to leave your bedroom: by doing that you will be laying down a boundary with him. He cannot assault you and have everything carry on as if nothing had happened.

I can't believe someone has said it's a bit of a reach to call masturbating into someone's arse cheeks while they're asleep, sexual assault.
If anything, it's reaching saying it's not.

Him being her husband gives him no right to assume he has her consent to use her body while she sleeps. Women shouldn't have to clearly explain that they don't want to be wanked on, penetrated, recorded in their sleep. (All of which have had several threads on here) Men should assume it's a no and could always you know, wake their partner up.

It's worrying how many people lately seem to defend men sexually abusing their partners in their sleep or minimise their behaviour. Like the person who wanking isn't sexual abuse. Wanking isn't the problem. It's him opening a sleeping woman's arse cheeks to get him off that's the problem.

It's grim in a loving healthy sexually active relationship but with all the other stuff and the lack of respect he has for at other times, it's very worrying. Men aren't as stupid as some people think they are, they don't need to be told a sleeping person doesn't consent. It's the not being able to consent that turns them on and why they don't wake their partners up first.

I'm sorry you had to go through this OP but if you really do feel like you want to go the counselling route I'd suggest having it for just yourself to start with. If only to talk about and process what happened the other night with someone neutral. You might find you feel differently and realise you're worth better.

These men who can’t have a mutually satisfying, emotionally connected relationship with their wife but are obsessed with porn! And he has kids, too?! Disgusting.

Who gives a shit if he’s good looking and earns well (not too hard when you’ve got a housemaid and child-reader taking care of every other aspect of your life, though, is it?).

If I were you I’d get angry. He sounds pathetic.

This sounds like a dreadful situation, OP, from the everyday dismissive ness to the outright sexual assault. And you do sound really ground down about it, which is totally understandable. But I think it is impeding you from reacting with the anger and outrage that’s really totally justified. You are worth so much more than some sarcastic, emotionally constipated arsehole who uses you like a wank sock.

Just because you have ‘invested’ many years in this relationship doesn’t mean it is a good idea to stay or even to try to salvage it - that’s the sunk cost fallacy in action. It doesn’t sound salvageable, especially if there’s never been sexual attraction or an emotional connection really.

You deserve to be a lot happier than this. Your kids will be fine. Get out and get free

He sexually assaulted you.

He's mean to your kids.

Even if he'd done neither of these things, even if you were in love with him or him with you, you're allowed to end the relationship.

You don't need to put up with this crap because you decided to got married 11 years ago. And life goals can change. Or did those shared goals include a sexless marriage..except for multi positional, unsatisfying sex, or being sexually assaulted?

I'd be sleeping in the spare room with a lock fitted on the door if I was you (or with one of the kids).

Counselling is definitely a good idea, but only for you. If, after having individual counselling you want to go to delete, then do it. First of all you need to feel stronger though.

Whether he's gay or not is beside the point. That's him. How you are feeling is what you need to focus on. And the happiness of your kids.

You've built up a pretty picture of a life for sure, but you're not happy. Is the pretty picture really worth more than your happiness? What about a picture that is a bit smaller but full of warmth, happiness, respect and a mother who isn't needing to drink a bottle of wine every two days just to get through her life? You really don't need to stay with this man. And your life will almost certainly be better with him out of your picture.

He sexually assaulted you
Can you speak to women's aid when he's out or on a walk alone? I don't think relate will help here

I'm sorry about the entire situation. This is not a good marriage, from the very start. "Never a real sexual connection" is never a good place to begin. And he's not even behaving like a decent human being now.

I would talk to my solicitor as soon as possible.

Somewhere along the way you've lost yourself. You're clever and driven, hard-working and you want a relationship of equals where you share respect and companionship. Being good-looking and a high earner doesn't make up for a lack of this. The first step is believing that you deserve this, the second step is working out the steps you are going to take to get there.

Don't worry too much about your children - yes, it will be disruptive for them, but from what you've said, their dad isn't very interested in them anyway and his influence is often a negative one. Besides everything else, the two of you are hardly modelling what affectionate and loving relationships should look like to your children.

Yes, he sexually assaulted you. In any case, call it what you like, his actions showed a total lack of respect for you as a person. You don't have to put up with this. That you'd consider doing so shows how your confidence has been worn down. You deserve better.

Sorry OP - it's something a gay guy once told me - "he's so far back in the closet he's in fucking Narnia" - it amused me but I can see it's not immediately clear!

Well, if it's just you he's not attracted to sexually then one does have to wonder who he IS attracted to. The wanking over your buttocks is really sleazy, I mean REALLY sleazy. Ugh.

I think you have to accept that your marriage, as a marriage of equal partners who supposedly love each other, is dead in the water - it's more like a marriage of convenience, where you co-parent and he just takes what he wants from you and gives very little in return.

Up to you whether or not you really want to continue with that.

Even before you told how he has sexually assaulted you, I was not convinced about this relationship - he's cold to you and the kids, uninterested in spending time with you or engaging with you, considers the kids and home entirely your responsibility etc. This isn't a man who sees you as a partner. But rather a really good nanny/housekeeper who he also gets to wank into when he needs a warm, non responsive body part that isn't his hand.

I feel so sorry for you OP. Please, whether you see this as assault or not, please do consider whether you deserve this kind of life and this lack of affection and respect?

Wtf are the “he’s gay” comments about?

He’s a sex offender. His sexuality is irrelevant!

He's a phoney.
If he's not gay he's bisexual at the very least. I bet you can't account for everything he's looking at.
The way he treats you and your children is terrible.

@MadameBlobby

Wtf are the “he’s gay” comments about?

He’s a sex offender. His sexuality is irrelevant!

The OP wants to try and save the relationship If he is gay then they will never get to the full on sexual relationship that she desires (and which they have never had)

There is nothing to rescue and or save here in any case and one person also cannot save a relationship on their own.

What OP does not want either is to get herself further bogged down by the sunken costs fallacy. The damage here has already been done.

You don't feel valued. He doesn't value or cherish you.

I would build on your own self esteem, look at restarting your career and get a job, and see if you can work on your differences with Relate whether that means to split or to build a relationship again.

Unconscious people can't consent to ANYTHING

You wouldn't force feed them just because they were asleep at dinner time FFS

@Coastingit

I am his wife though. And he was drunk. And he's not violent.

Oh dear. Can your husband reduce his hours at all at work?

So your husband has some sort of desire for sex because he’s distracted with porn... I would of been disgusted to wake up to that act.

Can you go to Counselling?