He's handsome, a high earner... but

[Coastingit]

Married for 11 years. 3 beautiful children. Zero sex life. WWYD?

Never a real sexual connection but a real life goals one - together from pretty young. Both uni educated but now me a SAHM and him a high earner. Wasn't how I saw my life going but...

I could be happy with our situation if I felt loved and valued. And I don't. We have mutual friends and a lovely social life and a lovely house in a lovely area.

But. I feel defensive, I feel self protective, I feel like I'm not being myself. He's sarcastic with the kids. He has no sexual interest in me, he watches porn and if I even hug him it's a suggestion that I want a super energetic multi position fuck. Which, realistically neither of us want or can be bothered with. I ache for a real emotional connection. He works 16 hours a day leaving me to deal with the kiddos who are very young and needy.

We went away this wkend for our anniversary, first night away in literally years. Haven't had sex in months. We both got drunk after naice meal. In hotel I drunkenly snoozily realised he was wanking into my arse cheeks. Finished and wiped it off, rolled over and went to sleep. I was shaking and upset, started to cry and then felt angry and had a go at him. Next morning he remembered and said sorry then hid his head. We didn't discuss it and nothing else was said, now he's being his usual emotionally distant self and I feel really upset by it. I feel like he probably does it regularly when I'm asleep (he works late and I'm regularly asleep before him).

Am I being over sensitive on this or is it fucked up? I'm really upset by it. I don't know what to do. I feel violated, basically.

" but I don't agree with some others that him wanking is sexual abuse. "

He wanked into her arse cheeks and came over her then wiped it off. That's not 'wanking'. Wanking is a solo activity that doesn't involve anybody else. This is sexual abuse.

" But if you don't want him to do it near you, you need to make that very clear."

Yes, for fuck's sake wear a chastity belt next time, don't drink, don't wear anything revealing. Oh, and of course, never sleep again.

I just don't know. It just feels like a tipping point. I've felt unhappy for a while but this feels like... maybe it'll never change and it'll never get better.

Thank you for all your replies and opinions, it's what I need to decide where to go from here. Probably Relate, I don't want to fracture the home my children love. But looking for perspective on this too - I do feel really upset by it. But anyone who's been in a monogamous relationship would recognise that there are tensions and stuff... I just need some perspective.

Heybabyitsa

This was 2 nights ago and yes I feel uncomfortable sleeping beside him

@Coastingit

I just don't know. It just feels like a tipping point. I've felt unhappy for a while but this feels like... maybe it'll never change and it'll never get better.

Thank you for all your replies and opinions, it's what I need to decide where to go from here. Probably Relate, I don't want to fracture the home my children love. But looking for perspective on this too - I do feel really upset by it. But anyone who's been in a monogamous relationship would recognise that there are tensions and stuff... I just need some perspective.

You sound completely downtrodden and weary and he sounds like he could not give a single damn about you.

You need to leave. He's the one who has fractured the home with sarcasm towards the kids and by sexually assaulting you. There's nothing to fix here, just you screwing up the courage to get out before it gets worse.

Male porn?

I am his wife though

That does not make you his sexual property. The days of chattels are long gone.

And he was drunk so ? That is not an excuse to assault you.

And he's not violent Many sexual assaults are not violent. It doesn't change what they are.

He sounds awful. As well as using you as an object to wank on he thinks you want to be treated like a porno woman if you so much as hug him. It doesn’t sound like a loving relationship. You don’t sound happy. Your kids will pick up in it sooner or later. Let them grow up in a world where their parents respect themselves/each other, not one where their mother puts up with dreadful behaviour.

@ikeadaimcake you have also been sexually assaulted. You may not agree, but it remains true.

You've said you now feel uncomfortable sleeping next to him... that should tell you what you need to know. You can call it sexual assault or not, but it was an extremely disrespectful thing he did and treated you like an object, not a beloved wife. He's dehumanising you. I don't think he's seen you as a person with feelings and desires of your own for a long time. Only you know if he ever saw you that way. Counselling for sure but I would make it very clear to him, in no uncertain terms that if he ever wanks over you without permission, you will be leaving him. And you should mean it.

I know it wasn't ok.

But. At what point do I say it's over

My DH is handsome and a high earner but has never done this. It doesn’t mean it was assault but if you didn’t like it then it wasn’t ok. I am more concerned about how you say he is with the children....

The only thing that matters is are you happy? If not, then it’s ok to end it.

When you read through your posts and pick up on what you’ve said-
You’ve never had a connection, it’s not how you thought your life would go, he’s not nice to your children, he sexually abuses you. Etc

Honestly? Quite some time ago I think. His contempt for you has become clear this week, but the way you describe your marriage is just sad.

There are many worse things for kids than divorced parents, especially where finances allow for a good standard of life for you both.

I know it’s hard to imagine a life without him after all this time, and it feels like an overreaction at this point, but you’re in a fog. Once you’re out of it you’ll wonder what kept you stuck for so long.

You get one life and you deserve to spend it feeling safe in your bed from sexual assault, feeling calm and relaxed, feeling attractive and valued by your partner if you have one.

Please see this as the pivotal point at which you change your life and take control of the situation to create a new home for you and your DCs where you are happy and free. They can still have a nice life with both parents, it just doesn’t have to be together.

It sounds to me like you know it's over but you're struggling to admit it. Would that be accurate?

Have you ever suspected that he is gay?

Have you ever suspected that he is gay

Why does that matter?

I can't emphasise enough how important each of your posts is to me, thank you.

Two directions isn't enough -leave or stay.

Our kids are definitely happy and well cared for and prioritised.

I think Relate is the way forward for now

@Coastingit

I can't emphasise enough how important each of your posts is to me, thank you.

Two directions isn't enough -leave or stay.

Our kids are definitely happy and well cared for and prioritised.

I think Relate is the way forward for now

If you admit that he has sexually abused you Relate may well not be able to work with you.

You tried to speak to him about his sexual abuse of you. He hid his head and wouldn't speak about it.

He doesn't care, you don't mean anything to him.

Pretty sure he's not gay

It sounds to me like you've already checked out of the relationship as you've lost sight of who you are. You need to find yourself again, @Coastingit, you aren't just a wife and a mother of three, you are also a woman who has needs - and those needs are not being met.

I was in pretty much exactly your shoes about four years ago, and I chucked him out. We are now divorced, and my other half treats me and my DC like rare gemstones. I had no idea this was what love and a relationship was really like.

@Eckhart

Have you ever suspected that he is gay

Why does that matter?

Because the relationship will never be recoverable if he is. The OP sounds like she wants to try and save the relationship.

I think you’d be perhaps better having individual counselling before you try relate. To get your head around what’s happening yourself. Do you think he’d actually want to go to Relate?

I also wondered if he might be a Narnian gay.

Years ago I went out with a guy for a few months who, after a couple more girlfriends (shortlived) finally came out as gay. There were signs, definitely, and it explained a whole lot more about the way he was with me (and presumably the other girls).

And I agree - if that IS the problem then it's never going to get better.

If you ask him what's going on, what does he say? Is he just not sexually attracted to you any more?

It doesn’t sound like he treats you as his equal. I would feel disgusted and violated if my DH did that to me. If he isn’t willing to talk openly about how that made you feel then how are you meant to even respect him let alone want to share your life with him?