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Original poster

DP thinks I'm being a selfish bitch/possessive/prudish for not wanting to open our relationship

117 replies

HeadacheCentral · 30/10/2020 23:41

DW and I have been married for 3 years, and we've been together for 7.

About a month ago, she bought up this idea about open relationships—something she's never even mentioned before. Since then, she has been randomly throwing out questions about why an open relationship isn't something I wanted. In her words, sex is just an activity like hiking or yoga. I disagreed. I've now been called a prude, a selfish bitch, and possessive on top of other things because of that!

I feel like shite because a part of me thinks it's something I'm not doing or that I'm not enough for her despite doing (or at least trying) almost everything she wants to in the bedroom. When she's not sulking about it though, she tells me that sometimes she just wants variety. What do I even say to that?

I thought that our life and sex life was great but apparently not anymore. What would you do if you were me? Sad

OP posts:
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 30/10/2020 23:43

Tell her to fuck off if she wants variety. If she wanted variety she should have discussed that prior to getting married.

namechange8765433 · 30/10/2020 23:44

It's not really relevant what we'd do if we were you. You two need to do what's right for you. What she's asking isn't wrong and you not wanting to isn't wrong either. No-one is right, no-one is wrong. It's just finding something that works for both of you, just like everything else in your relationship.

Good luck though Flowers - keep talking.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 30/10/2020 23:45

Start planning your separation and divorce to be honest. She wants to sleep with other men, but have the emotional and probably financial security of a marriage. And because you say no you are being accused of being a prude? Open relationships, if they ever do work, need to have the full agreement of both parties. If not there is no difference between that and adultery.

BuffayTheVampireLayer · 30/10/2020 23:46

I think she wants the marriage to end and this is her way of doing it. She wants to have her cake and eat it.

user1481840227 · 30/10/2020 23:46

To be blunt..she's an asshole...and even within an open relationship she would be an asshole because although i've never been in one and wouldn't want to be I do know that for it to work there has to be mutural agreement, mutual respect, boundaries, open communication and each person gets to state their dealbreakers.

She's trying to bully you into it by calling you names that don't even apply to you. You have never mentioned an open relationship and they are not the norm so you had the expectation that it was going to be a monogamous relationship and it does not make you a prude, selfish or possessive to not want to open the relationship.

I can't see how the marriage will work if this is the way she approached this. I'd leave her.

M0rT · 30/10/2020 23:47

Leave the Bitch....changing what you want from a relationship and then blaming your partner for not wanting what they have never claimed to want is just wrong.
I am so sorry though, must be heartbreaking.

fairynick · 30/10/2020 23:48

Wanting an open relationship? A fair (if not brave) thing to bring up to a partner. Calling them all the names under sun/sulking/making them not feel good enough? Completely unacceptable.
You need to be honest to your wife and tell her that you want the marriage that you went into, and she needs to either accept it and stop treating in such an awful way OR move on and chase the shag (which would be pathetic and good riddance if that would be the case).

Original poster
HeadacheCentral · 30/10/2020 23:53

What confuses me is where this is all even coming from. 7 years of being together and she's never even mentioned anything remotely similar till a month ago! Nearly every conversation since then somehow descends into this 'discussion', and any attempt I make to ask 'why' just leads to her countering me with a list of reasons as to 'why not'.

OP posts:
pixelatedlunchbox · 30/10/2020 23:55

She wants a variety of partners, you don't. This one is not fixable.

alvinp · 31/10/2020 00:04

A sudden switch from her suggest she has already decided who is first in line if you agree to open the relationship. Or she is hoping to retrospectively legitimise something that has already happened.

mineofuselessinformation · 31/10/2020 00:04

'What she's asking isn't wrong and you not wanting to isn't wrong either.'
No, it doesn't work like that. If either of the partners went into a marriage not knowing this was the wishes of the other, because they hadn't been told, it is wrong.
A marriage is a partnership, with both people having roughly the same goals and wishes.
If one of them moves the goalposts drastically, that's not part of what either of them committed themselves to.
OP, this isn't about you - it's about your partner suddenly revealing something they have possibly kept hidden for a long time.
That's not your fault. And you are not lacking, your partner is - in terms of honesty at the very least.
If you can't come to terms with it (I wouldn't be able to, if I'm honest), then it's time to part ways and find someone who wants to be committed to you only.
I'm sorry if that's painful to hear, but I think you know it's the truth.

ReneeRol · 31/10/2020 00:08

She's trying to bully and manipulate you. Open relationships are fine when both parties are happy with it. It's not OK for someone who has agreed to a monogamous relationship to try to bully the other into changing that.

I'd take it that the relationship is over. Do you have kids? If you don't, leaving is easy. If you do then you need to prepare before leaving if you choose to do so.

Onthedunes · 31/10/2020 00:19

You seem like an extremely accomodating man for even listening to this conversation from your wife.

Variety can be the spice of life but not when both parties have agreed to forsake all others.

I would be not be thinking a variety of partners are on her mind but one in particular who is not you.

Sorry but she sounds like a bullshitter.

PullTheBricksDown · 31/10/2020 00:19

Tell her it's over. You don't want a marriage on the terms she now seems to be insisting on. You can't change her mind, you can only walk away for self-preservation.

thatonesmine · 31/10/2020 00:26

Are you both women OP?

user1481840227 · 31/10/2020 00:26

@namechange8765433

It's not really relevant what we'd do if we were you. You two need to do what's right for you. What she's asking isn't wrong and you not wanting to isn't wrong either. No-one is right, no-one is wrong. It's just finding something that works for both of you, just like everything else in your relationship.

Good luck though Flowers - keep talking.

She asked and was told no. She's now trying to bully the OP into agreeing with it. So she is definitely wrong. And it doesn't sound like keep talking is going to work out too well when she is getting called all sorts of names by her wife!
SandyY2K · 31/10/2020 01:24

You clearly didn't sign up for an open relationship. So you need to let your DW know that if she wishes to pursue an open relationship, you won't stand in her way to do so once you're divorced.

Whatabambam · 31/10/2020 01:32

This happened to my friend and although she wasn't as such, the implication that she wasn't enough really upset her and caused her to question the whole foundation of the relationship. It turns out her wife was having an affair. Be careful.....you may find out that a request for an open relationship is merely a tool which the other person is using to bring to light their adultery

Whatabambam · 31/10/2020 01:33

#she wasn't bullied as such

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 31/10/2020 01:34

Sorry but I have only 2 words for this.

Just no.

occa · 31/10/2020 01:35

Well being interested in open relationships is definitely, absolutely something that should be brought up before marriage, not sprung on you afterwards out of the blue.

You are absolutely NBU to expect that being married implies exclusivity in your relationship. If that wasn't what she was after then that should have been made clear early on.

And calling you a bitch is not ok either. She is gaslighting you by trying to make out that you're being the unreasonable party, when it is absolutely her! Don't fall for it.

Inthetropics · 31/10/2020 01:37

Not okay for her to call you a bitch and even less okay for her to call you a bitch because you don't want an open relationship which i gather was the expectation you both had when you started the relationship. I'd think my partner had eyes on someone else if she did that.

OldAndWornOut · 31/10/2020 01:40

I would think someone has turned her head, and she wants your blessing to take the next step with them.

Orkneys · 31/10/2020 01:58

@HeadacheCentral

What confuses me is where this is all even coming from. 7 years of being together and she's never even mentioned anything remotely similar till a month ago! Nearly every conversation since then somehow descends into this 'discussion', and any attempt I make to ask 'why' just leads to her countering me with a list of reasons as to 'why not'.
You know the answer to this. She already has someone in mind. Sorry OP.
IdblowJonSnow · 31/10/2020 02:02

'Noone is right, noone is wrong' - I'd disagree with that. Not many of us expect to have an open marriage or relationship. Definitely not the norm although fine I guess if both parties want that.
I'd let them go...

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