DP thinks I'm being a selfish bitch/possessive/prudish for not wanting to open our relationship

[HeadacheCentral]

DW and I have been married for 3 years, and we've been together for 7.

About a month ago, she bought up this idea about open relationships—something she's never even mentioned before. Since then, she has been randomly throwing out questions about why an open relationship isn't something I wanted. In her words, sex is just an activity like hiking or yoga. I disagreed. I've now been called a prude, a selfish bitch, and possessive on top of other things because of that!

I feel like shite because a part of me thinks it's something I'm not doing or that I'm not enough for her despite doing (or at least trying) almost everything she wants to in the bedroom. When she's not sulking about it though, she tells me that sometimes she just wants variety. What do I even say to that?

I thought that our life and sex life was great but apparently not anymore. What would you do if you were me?

When she married you she promised to be faithful to you, and to love and respect you.

She's now trying to bully you to change those promises.

You need to have a clear conversation with her as to why, and explain that her bullying and sulking to coerce you into something you don't want is unacceptable. You aren't 'stopping' her from doing anything - you're asking her to abide by the marriage vows that you both voluntarily made. She is the one changing the goalposts.

Regardless of whatever it is she's trying to achieve her behaviour is creating massive problems in your relationship and bullying and coercion is no basis for any relationship, open or otherwise.

This is so unfair on you.

As far as I know from reading accounts from people in open relationships it has to be something both feel equally calm and confident about, with a shared understanding of the role of the central relationship, and the sense of security that it is OK. And even then it goes wrong when something goes out of balance.

To work, it doesn’t arise out of dissatisfaction with the existing partner, but rather out of shared values and inclinations.

She has no right to guilt trip you, badger you or blame you, and she seems to be failing to be honest about her own feelings. It is not your job to absolve her guilt by giving her permission to have an affair.

Your options seem to be:
Tell her you won’t be treated like this, and she drops it or leaves
Try and work through it together. Go to couples counselling, talk about what the two of you need to keep your relationship live, etc.

Feel for you OP.

I agree with other posters.... she already has someone in mind or has already crossed over the infidelity line. By talking about an open relationship, it makes her feel better about what she has done or is about to do.
I think you also need to wonder why she's suddenly happy for you to sleep with other people.......

Can you leave ? Have you somewhere to go?

Whose flat is it? Do you own it jointly/rent jointly or does it belong to one of you?

As pps have said, I'd be seeing a solicitor about your rights. And if it's yours, you need to kick her out.

OK I'm done here. On Tues night she actually invited her poly friends (these random woman, random man, and this other man I recognised as being one of her yoga mates) to our house, unannounced. I'm still not sure what her goal was. Did she think I was going to change my mind when faced with them??? Not sure what she told them either but I don't care.

Currently in the process of seeking out a lawyer for a divorce and to see what my options are now. House is mine but she has paid a grand total of 3 months mortgage so chances are she'll get a portion of it.

Everything is shite.

Three months mortgage?

I'd fight tooth and nail there. This is still classed as a short marriage - move quickly, and if you have proof of lack of payment towards the mortgage on top, you may be able to get rid.

So sorry to hear this.

She sounds very immature, getting all wide eyed about a poly thing.

I hope your separation can be as non-damaging as possible.

Yes - find every bit of paperwork that demonstrates her lack of financial contribution! No reason why she should waltz off with half your house! Do you think she would try?

Given that she changed the goalposts and then blamed YOU for not wanting to play, she may well.

So sorry to hear that, OP.
Your wife has dealt with this really badly and selfishly.
Get all the advice you can, to protect yourself and your home.

I am really sorry, OP. What struck me is the absolute viciousness of her comments to you, somebody she's supposed to love. Why do and say those things just to hurt? If somebody's angling to leave a relationship then why not just do it honestly and with a bit of kindness. It costs nothing.

I hope you find a very good solicitor, 3 mortgage payments does not a house ownership make.

This will pass. Really, it will. For now though, it's hurtful, painful and just shit that you have to ride out. I hope you have some real life friends who can distract you from this occasionally.

@HeadacheCentral 💐 hoping you're coping ok, stay strong, get the best solicitor that you can (personal recommendation preferably) and fight your corner.

Keep positive, keep posting, you have support here 👍🏼

@HeadacheCentral

The only thing I know of that has changed is that for the past 2 months I've been spending a lot more time at home since I'm now working from home. She's always worked from home though and never really liked going out so her routine is the same as before.

A part of me wonders if she's just sick of me by now because maybe for her seeing me everyday is a bit too much compared to our previous norm of seeing each other on weekends/late evenings.

Sounds like she was used to getting up to who knows what while you were at work all day and now you are cramping her style by being at home. What a shit situation OP. I hope you will be ok.

So sorry for you. It sounds horrendous. Hard as it is, you'll get through this and hopefully one day, find someone who truly loves and respects you.

House is mine but she has paid a grand total of 3 months mortgage so chances are she'll get a portion of it
You've only been married 3 years - thank god!
She won't get anything other than what she put into it - 3 months of mortgage.

I wonder if she'd planned it like this all along - marry you for 'money' and also then manipulate you into letting her shag around?
Get a good solicitor and don't let her take what isn't hers.

Did she actually pay the mortgage, as in her account details are attached to the payments. Or did she bank transfer to you?

Harder to prove it was for the mortgage if its the latter.

How are you OP ? please do not leave your property