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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP thinks I'm being a selfish bitch/possessive/prudish for not wanting to open our relationship

117 replies

HeadacheCentral · 30/10/2020 23:41

DW and I have been married for 3 years, and we've been together for 7.

About a month ago, she bought up this idea about open relationships—something she's never even mentioned before. Since then, she has been randomly throwing out questions about why an open relationship isn't something I wanted. In her words, sex is just an activity like hiking or yoga. I disagreed. I've now been called a prude, a selfish bitch, and possessive on top of other things because of that!

I feel like shite because a part of me thinks it's something I'm not doing or that I'm not enough for her despite doing (or at least trying) almost everything she wants to in the bedroom. When she's not sulking about it though, she tells me that sometimes she just wants variety. What do I even say to that?

I thought that our life and sex life was great but apparently not anymore. What would you do if you were me?

OP posts:

Whatisthisfuckery · 31/10/2020 10:04

Bloody hell OP, how horrible. Even her suddenly suggesting an open relationship is a shock, never mind her bullying and manipulating you.

I’m afraid I’m with PPs, she’s already been seeing someone else/other people and you being at home all the time has put it to an end, so this is her way of trying to resume with some sort of legitimacy.

I used to know a couple who are poly. They were completely committed to each other and were about to get CPed, this was before equal marriage. They both went into the relationship knowing the terms and it worked for them. I remember thinking how I couldn’t do that, but if it works for them then good luck to them. I certainly couldn’t live with thinking my gf/partner/wife was having sex with someone else and I wouldn’t feel right doing it either.

I’m sorry OP, your marriage is over, I think deep down you know this. It’s shit and I feel for you, but it sounds like she’s been unfaithful already. Even if she hasn’t, ‘let me shag other people or you’re being selfish’ isn’t something you can or should live with.

user1481840227 · 31/10/2020 12:45

Even her suddenly suggesting an open relationship is a shock, never mind her bullying and manipulating you.

Completely agree with this. I'd be heartbroken over that alone and most people in marriages would be but to be then treated with such contempt after it as well.
I can't imagine what you're going through. She sounds awful and a nasty selfish piece of work!

SoulofanAggron · 31/10/2020 13:35

I've now been called a prude, a selfish bitch, and possessive on top of other things because of that!

That's manipulative and abusive. Most people would feel the same way you do about it.

people in OR/'poly' people won't have such problems because there'll be more people contributing to expenses.

Unless they live in the same house this wouldn't be the case. Having another live-in partner is even more bold for her to ask you to deal with.

sonjadog · 31/10/2020 13:56

I would also say that she has been having an affair and now you are at home it is making it difficult to continue so she sees this as the perfect solution. But it isn´t something that can be compromised on or that you should be persuaded into doing. This is a fundamental compatibility issue. If you don´t want to and she insists, then your relationship should end.

BlueThistles · 31/10/2020 14:11

She's a piece of work is what she is 🌺

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2020 14:15

My guess is that you're already in an open relationship, you just don't know it.

Ismellphantoms · 31/10/2020 14:43

Your marriage is over in her head OP. This is just an excuse to have home comforts but behave like she's single. I'm sorry it's not worked out for you.

CodenameVillanelle · 31/10/2020 14:46

She's being emotionally abusive and coercive and your marriage is probably sadly over.

AnotherEmma · 31/10/2020 14:48

"I've now been called a prude, a selfish bitch, and possessive on top of other things because of that!"

LTB. I'm sorry she's behaving this way and I think there's no other option but to end it.

You haven't mentioned children (whether through assisted conception, adoption or previous relationships) so if you don't have any that will make a separation easier.

spongebobscaredypants · 31/10/2020 14:50

Agreeing with others that I think you need to walk away whilst you still have your dignity

Biancadelrioisback · 31/10/2020 14:50

I think this is now beyond repair OP. Sorry you're going through this

IEat · 31/10/2020 15:03

If its not for you don't do it. Is she still wants to them she's not the person for you. If it's not negotiable then leave and find someone who shares your principles and let her find people who shares her way of life.

YoniAndGuy · 31/10/2020 15:05

Next time she brings it up you just say -

Look, this is really simple and is never going to change. I'm not the slightest bit interested in an open relationship, in fact the thought makes me sick. It's not for me and IT IS FINE FOR ME TO FEEL LIKE THAT. If it no longer suits you, our relationship will have to end. The end! Over to you.'

buckeejit · 31/10/2020 15:12

As pps have said I reckon she's already started seeing someone else. Either way, she sounds like a real brat who is used to getting what she wants. It's not ok that she doesn't respect your views. I'd be looking at the practicalities of splitting up, or if you thunk it might help, go for counselling. Good luck

Original poster

HeadacheCentral · 31/10/2020 16:15

And here I thought things were going great a bit more than a month ago.

I've been given the 'silent treatment' today which is fine. Not keen on starting conversation anyway when I just know what it's going to lead to. Damn it, a part of me wants to go into denial but I know that's just stupid.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 31/10/2020 16:17

The more you say the more I think it sounds as if she could be abusive.
www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

RandomMess · 31/10/2020 16:25

There is more to this than your DW is letting on.

The silent treatment- is this a common tactic DW uses to get her own way?

Ginfordinner · 31/10/2020 16:31

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. She sounds awful. She is sulking because she can't get her own way.

Sadly, I think you need to accept that it is over

occa · 31/10/2020 18:38

So sorry OP.

For whatever reason your DW doesn't want to call time on your marriage, but is determined to inflict damage on you until you either do it for her or give her the reaction she's after.

She won't stop hurting you, and if I were you I'd take back some control, break it off now and try to work through the logistics of divorce as quickly and unemotionally as you can.

Sorry

monkeymonkey2010 · 31/10/2020 19:01

She's always worked from home though and never really liked going out so her routine is the same as before...A part of me wonders if she's just sick of me by now because maybe for her seeing me everyday is a bit too much compared to our previous norm of seeing each other on weekends/late evenings

I think she's been having 'fun' during the day that you don't know about - after all - 'sex is just sex - it doesn't mean anything'.....

You being home means she hasn't been able to have her normal fun.
You're cramping her 'style'.
Now she's either bullying you to 'allow' her to cheat openly - or push you to ending things.

Caeruleanblue · 31/10/2020 19:04

Has she fallen for someone else and this is a way of making you finish with her so the break up is your fault.

Ginfordinner · 31/10/2020 19:10

@monkeymonkey2010

I think she's been having 'fun' during the day that you don't know about - after all - 'sex is just sex - it doesn't mean anything'.....

You being home means she hasn't been able to have her normal fun.
You're cramping her 'style'.
Now she's either bullying you to 'allow' her to cheat openly - or push you to ending things.

Unfortunately, I agree with this ^^

RandomMess · 31/10/2020 19:13

@monkeymonkey2010 that was my thought too

Tossacointoyerwitcher · 31/10/2020 19:40

Can I join the chorus agreeing with @monkeymonkey2010?

Now she's either bullying you to 'allow' her to cheat openly - or push you to ending things.

this was exactly what my ex-wife did with me. When DS1 started school a few of the dads started flirting with her on the school run and wanted to play the field. The only problem was she was married to me. Next thing she's announcing she never really believed in monogamy and wants an open relationship - except, I kid you not - she needed "emotional connections" so she needed to have full-on relationships. I, however, being a man obviously only needed sex, so I would be restricted to one-night stands.

There were no other problems in the relationship she could speak of. Our sex life was good and I'd been at pains to be creative and (successfully) satisfy her needs. But me being creative wasn't enough. I wasn't a stranger who she could gradually discover, like a partner were a blooming holiday destination. No matter what lengths I went to I would always be the same resort she'd been to every year for the past decade.

I told her no. She too became sullen, passive-aggressive and emotionally abusive. Eventually, she went ahead and cheated anyway. She barely tried to hide it. When I found out, she suggested having a trial separation - basically carte blanche to have the legitimised sex she wanted. She made it plain I had three options:

a) Give her the open relationship she wanted - even if the guy she had her eye and was chasing was in a monogamous relationship himself.

b) Turn a blind eye to her cheating

c) Divorce her if I wasn't happy with any of the above.

She didn't even have the moral backbone to tell me she wasn't happy and end the relationship herself.

So I said lets cut to the chase and get divorced. By this point her behaviour was ruining my sanity and having an impact on the kids (eldest in particular was having behavioural problems at school).

I think she celebrated tbh. The whole think broke my heart - not because we split up, weirdly enough, but that it was for such a tawdry reason and the way she went about it. It cheapened everything I thought we'd had.

Mustbethewine · 31/10/2020 19:53

I'd leave the relationship. It's not something you want. Simple. You deserve someone who wants the same thing out of the relationship.

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