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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP thinks I'm being a selfish bitch/possessive/prudish for not wanting to open our relationship

117 replies

HeadacheCentral · 30/10/2020 23:41

DW and I have been married for 3 years, and we've been together for 7.

About a month ago, she bought up this idea about open relationships—something she's never even mentioned before. Since then, she has been randomly throwing out questions about why an open relationship isn't something I wanted. In her words, sex is just an activity like hiking or yoga. I disagreed. I've now been called a prude, a selfish bitch, and possessive on top of other things because of that!

I feel like shite because a part of me thinks it's something I'm not doing or that I'm not enough for her despite doing (or at least trying) almost everything she wants to in the bedroom. When she's not sulking about it though, she tells me that sometimes she just wants variety. What do I even say to that?

I thought that our life and sex life was great but apparently not anymore. What would you do if you were me? Sad

OP posts:
Mustbethewine · 31/10/2020 19:55

@Mustbethewine

I'd leave the relationship. It's not something you want. Simple. You deserve someone who wants the same thing out of the relationship.
I didn't mean the situation was simple, apologies, that came out the wrong way, I meant it was a simple decision for me if I was in your shoes, I'd leave the relationship
iluvgab · 31/10/2020 20:11

I wouldn't want to be in an open relationship. If that's not for you and that is what your DW wants, then you're unfortunately no longer compatible and should go your separate ways.

But it sounds to me like she fancies someone else and wants to begin a relationship with them or already has cheated. Something is going on.

She can bring up wanting an open relationship and have an open and honest discussion about the reasons why but calling you names and speaking to you the way she has been is totally out of order.
I think you should ask her to sit down and have a serious discussion about it. Ask her what she wants to happen. Tell her what you want to happen. If there is no way of resolving this satisfactorily then you need to decide whether the marriage is over.

saraclara · 31/10/2020 20:17

Anyone wanting an open relationship shouldn't marry without expressing that beforehand.

She's trying to make you think that what she wants is entirely normal, and that you're weird. Which is so not the case as to be laughable.

The relationship is doomed, I'm afraid. But don't think for a moment that it's your fault.

S00LA · 31/10/2020 20:34

@Martinisarebetterdirty

You need to get your finances in a row and instruct a divorce lawyer. This is not fixable. I really think she must have someone in mind or is already having an affair. I’m so sorry OP Flowers.
This.
Tossacointoyerwitcher · 31/10/2020 21:40

Anyone wanting an open relationship shouldn't marry without expressing that beforehand.

The trouble is you get the "I really wanted to try and be monogamous, but now I realise I can't do it" excuse - with a passive-aggressive suggestion of "you failed to be exciting enough in the long-term to stop me wanting more variety". Sad

Ironically, despite her telling me she didn't believe in monogamy anymore, my ex is now in a monogamous relationship with her new bloke. I'd like to think it's honestly because she feels more fulfilled with him and always was monogamous at heart, but, tbh, from what I've heard from mutual friends its more likely the shiny newness just hasn't worn off yet.

Cadent · 31/10/2020 22:50

I’ve been given the 'silent treatment' today which is fine

It’s a classic abuse tactic, please don’t minimise it. It can gradually escalate from a day to a week to a month etc - basically as long she thinks is necessary to punish you and bring you to heel.

You married her to be monogamous not to have a open relationship, why are you even questioning yourself?

Belle124 · 31/10/2020 23:00

Just agree to it and date others, we will see how fast she will change her mind 🙄 but being completely honest, she looks like she met someone else that she is interested in and in this case you wouldn’t be able to blame her for having an affair...this is such an old trick...

tinyvulture · 31/10/2020 23:17

This is shitty behaviour on her part. If this was something you were both in to, fine. It’s something that would have been discussed all along in your relationship, even if just as a fantasy, and then you get to a point where you decide to try and make it work. No harm in that! But it sounds like what she is doing is the complete opposite to this. Just blind-siding you with something you have no interest in, and being shitty about it to boot! She doesn’t sound like a very nice woman from where I am sitting. I hope you are ok. X

doubleaces89 · 31/10/2020 23:32

Just reading this thread has annoyed me!! Stop being acting like a loser OP, just end it asap, instead of giving periodic updates oh how she's ignoring you.

The general consensus here is that her behavior (rather than her request) is totally unacceptable, so take the advice or leave it..

Artandlove · 31/10/2020 23:45

Is she going to keep asking the same question until you eventually give in and agree to it? It’s obviously not something you want so tell her straight and leave her to huff about it. She is being unfair.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/10/2020 23:51

She's met someone who is Poly and will only get involved with your blessing, and you wont give it hence your DW's hump as you have cock blocked her (well, you know what I mean).

Not mendable.

Closetbeanmuncher · 01/11/2020 00:11

she tells me that sometimes she just wants variety

Um, then why did you marry me in the first place boo???

She has disloyal stamped on her head in bright red ink OP..

Seriously your life sounds miserable i'd be thinking of getting a divorce if she doesn't bore off with this shit.

Dullardmullard · 01/11/2020 00:27

Ask her who it is she’s shagging cause I’ll bet she is.

Marriage is doomed

I’d be divorcing.

BlueThistles · 01/11/2020 02:01

I think she's been having 'fun' during the day that you don't know about - after all - 'sex is just sex - it doesn't mean anything'.....

You being home means she hasn't been able to have her normal fun.
You're cramping her 'style'.
Now she's either bullying you to 'allow' her to cheat openly - or push you to ending things.

this 100% crossed my mind instantly too OP .. sorry 🌺

MingeofDeath · 01/11/2020 06:02

She is having an affair

Heartofstrings · 01/11/2020 06:18

@HeadacheCentral OP I really feel for you. Thought I would express the other side of the coin.

I am married and in an open relationship. It was something we decided after marriage.

I've naturally never really been monogamous in my head, but never acted on it. I didn't have the conversation with my husband before marriage because I thought it would be ok.

I suggested it to my husband and it was something we discussed over a number of months before we made our final decision. I did make it clear to my husband how important this was to me. Although I didn't sulk or give silent treatment.

I really think your partner is being very unfair. But it might be worth asking if poly is who she is. This may be a fundamental difference in values that prevents your relationship from continuing

crankysaurus · 01/11/2020 06:45

Sorry, my first thought is also that she asking for consent to have an affair, and getting nasty about it till you let her. She's already checking out of your marriage. You don't have to say yes or put up with abuse.

EarthSight · 01/11/2020 09:13

@alvinp

A sudden switch from her suggest she has already decided who is first in line if you agree to open the relationship. Or she is hoping to retrospectively legitimise something that has already happened.
This.
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 01/11/2020 09:27

You need to walk away now OP

She has changed all the rules. By getting married there is an actual legal agreement that both of you wont be sleeping with anyone else. Ever.

The percentage of people who are fine with open marriages and manage it successfully are absolutely tiny.

She has sprung this massive life changing thing on you suddenly and expects you to be instantly ok with it. The vast vast majority of people would have a similar reaction to you and she must be aware of this.

I also suspect she has someone in mind but doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' by cheating.

Worse than all of this is her behaviour and I would leave her for that alone, anyone who tries to make you do something sexually (or non sexually) that crosses a massive boundary and not only doesn't accept it but calls you names, won't stop pressuring you and resorts to tactics like the silent treatment etc is bullying at best and abusive at worst.

I really think her treatment of you is disgusting and you need to get out of this relationship now for your own self respect. You can never go back from this. Your only two options are stand firm and get treated like shit and she will eventually have an affair and / or leave, or agree and live a life you're not happy with

CandyFlossPink · 01/11/2020 09:37

@saraclara

She's trying to make you think that what she wants is entirely normal, and that you're weird. Which is so not the case as to be laughable.

The relationship is doomed, I'm afraid. But don't think for a moment that it's your fault.

Perfectly said. This. Absolutely this. Please don’t let her pressure you (bully you) into this or make you think you are inadequate in any way because it isn’t what you want.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/11/2020 15:26

I know a couple who are open and they have VERY clear boundaries. It isnt simply a case of being "allowed" to cop off with anyone they want on a whim. They are not ok with secondary long term relationships, for them it is about variety in their sex lives, not having multiple emotional connections so they have FWB who are very aware of the situation.

She doesnt want a truly open relationship, she just wants to fuck someone else and would probably hit the fucking roof if you said "OK, I have met someone I would like to get together with". Every man I know (and there have been a few, sadly) who has suggested an open marriage to his wife has gone ballistic if she said ok and she would be getting some too!

BlueThistles · 01/11/2020 16:34

are you okay OP 🌺

Iloveme30 · 02/11/2020 07:11

@Timmytoo

Seeing not sewing, she's hardly Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw 😂😂
😂😂😂😂 Needed that chuckle 😂
Jeremyironseverything · 02/11/2020 07:19

Yes, it's not the request itself, it's the reaction to the answer is"no".

The future of your relationship doesn't look good op. She's effectively bullying you, after changing the goalposts.

Iloveme30 · 02/11/2020 07:31

Hope your ok 🌸 . Let's cut to the chase . She's checked out . 100%
If she cared about you she wouldn't be giving you the silent treatment or pressure.
She's a selfish bitch and I guarantee there's someone in the background already . Her insistence and moods shows she's already emotionally involved elsewhere. You working from home has scuppered her plans .
Can you leave ? Have you somewhere to go? I'd would tell her shove her glorified affair up her hole and I'd walk straight out that door and never look back . She's a nasty piece of work making you feel like that . I'm actually raging for you . You sound lovely 😊 and you'll be ok but you need this massive bitch who's demoralising you out of your life . Leave her crack on with her affair. Stop being an option 😘