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Original poster

DP thinks I'm being a selfish bitch/possessive/prudish for not wanting to open our relationship

117 replies

HeadacheCentral · 30/10/2020 23:41

DW and I have been married for 3 years, and we've been together for 7.

About a month ago, she bought up this idea about open relationships—something she's never even mentioned before. Since then, she has been randomly throwing out questions about why an open relationship isn't something I wanted. In her words, sex is just an activity like hiking or yoga. I disagreed. I've now been called a prude, a selfish bitch, and possessive on top of other things because of that!

I feel like shite because a part of me thinks it's something I'm not doing or that I'm not enough for her despite doing (or at least trying) almost everything she wants to in the bedroom. When she's not sulking about it though, she tells me that sometimes she just wants variety. What do I even say to that?

I thought that our life and sex life was great but apparently not anymore. What would you do if you were me? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadacheCentral · 31/10/2020 08:37

It's a new day, I asked her if she wanted to get some brunch and she flat out ignored me. Really bloody ridiculous but not unexpected especially after last night's 'discussion' where me making a one sentence complaint about how there's 'so much bills to pay' was countered with how people in OR/'poly' people won't have such problems because there'll be more people contributing to expenses.

The weekend's looking to be shite already.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadacheCentral · 31/10/2020 08:41

Responding to PP, yes, we're both women. Also, if she has someone in mind surely this is the worst way to go about it? She's been interjecting wanting an open relationship with having it perhaps be 'poly' so it's somewhat 'committed' but it's all still completely out of the blue for me and I'm sick of this conversation.

OP posts:
TheABC · 31/10/2020 08:48

I am sorry you are going through this, OP.
Given her obsession with this, she is either having an affair or has someone in mind.

You went into this marriage expecting it to be monogamous. That was a fair assumption and it's still a fair assumption. If she want an open lifestyle, then she can have one. Just not with you.

IrenetheQuaint · 31/10/2020 08:52

Is there anything else going wrong in her life? This is so sudden and obsessive that it feels a bit like an escape route from something else she is unhappy about. Has the pandemic affected her MH?

timehealsmost · 31/10/2020 08:53

I think she needs to be honest about what's going on here. she has changed the goalposts. .but blames you.she is being unfair.

SpeccyLime · 31/10/2020 08:55

She is being wildly unreasonable. It is not selfish or prudish to assert your sexual boundaries. She has no right to put you under this pressure, it’s totally unjustifiable.

VettiyaIruken · 31/10/2020 08:58

In your shoes, I'd end the relationship.
She wants to shag about, guilt free. Maybe she's already done it/ got someone in mind.

What's worse is her sulking and her emotional abuse of you. This is not something you want and if that's not ok with her, you should remind her she knows where the door is.

It is unacceptable to try to bully and coerce you into sexual acts you don't want to be part of.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 31/10/2020 08:58

You need to get your finances in a row and instruct a divorce lawyer. This is not fixable. I really think she must have someone in mind or is already having an affair. I’m so sorry OP Flowers.

DefinitelyPossiblyMaybe · 31/10/2020 08:58

This being such a sudden change indicates she has met someone she wants a relationship (affair) with. It's not surprising that you would rather she didn't have an affair, as you are married!

KatzP · 31/10/2020 09:00

@alvinp

A sudden switch from her suggest she has already decided who is first in line if you agree to open the relationship. Or she is hoping to retrospectively legitimise something that has already happened.
Exactly what I thought.

If it’s a no from you that really should be end of discussion. And sorry to say this could be the end of your marriage. For me the bullying after the discussion would make me reconsider things.

Original poster
HeadacheCentral · 31/10/2020 09:03

The only thing I know of that has changed is that for the past 2 months I've been spending a lot more time at home since I'm now working from home. She's always worked from home though and never really liked going out so her routine is the same as before.

A part of me wonders if she's just sick of me by now because maybe for her seeing me everyday is a bit too much compared to our previous norm of seeing each other on weekends/late evenings. Sad

OP posts:
HoneysuckIejasmine · 31/10/2020 09:06

I would be horrified if my partner suggested this. It's a fundamental difference in values.

Original poster
HeadacheCentral · 31/10/2020 09:06

I also largely stay out of her way anyway (my home office is in a separate room she never uses and I'm in there almost all day on weekdays) so it's not like I'm not hovering or anything 24/7!

OP posts:
Timmytoo · 31/10/2020 09:09

Sorry to hear about this. Must be heart breaking. Perhaps it's more likely that she was sewing this other person whilst you were at work and she was working at home. Now you're there, she can't see them anymore which is why she wants an open relationship.

Timmytoo · 31/10/2020 09:10

Seeing not sewing, she's hardly Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw 😂😂

tribpot · 31/10/2020 09:11

If I had to make a cynical guess, I'd say she's been having an affair and you now being at home is cramping her style, hence the sudden obsession with poly so she can resume the affair with your blessing. The comment about bill sharing did make me laugh - I didn't realise that was considered one of the plus points of polyamory, someone alert the extreme budgeters.

I agree with KatzP the bullying after the discussion is the real problem here. She does not appear to respect you or respect your wishes. And is frankly being spoilt and ridiculous in trying to get her own way.

RishiMcRichface · 31/10/2020 09:17

Nagging and coercing someone to do something they are uncomfortable with in a relationship is wrong. You say she is your wife so I am assuming you are married. When you get married you make a legal contract to a monogamous relationship and so she is literally asking for something that is a "deal breaker". Don't let her minimise that. It's not what you made a lifelong commitment to do so you are not wrong to say no.

CandyLeBonBon · 31/10/2020 09:21

@tribpot

If I had to make a cynical guess, I'd say she's been having an affair and you now being at home is cramping her style, hence the sudden obsession with poly so she can resume the affair with your blessing. The comment about bill sharing did make me laugh - I didn't realise that was considered one of the plus points of polyamory, someone alert the extreme budgeters.

I agree with KatzP the bullying after the discussion is the real problem here. She does not appear to respect you or respect your wishes. And is frankly being spoilt and ridiculous in trying to get her own way.

I was about to say the same tbh. Sorry op. That's really hard for you Sad
Ginfordinner · 31/10/2020 09:25

I'm sorry that she is being such a bitch. She is gaslighting you by turning it round and making it your fault. Sadly, I think the relationship is on its last legs, and maybe you should think about separating.

And why does she think that having an open relationship during a pandemic is a good idea anyway?

ErniesGhostlyGoldtops · 31/10/2020 09:26

I was about to say the same thing. She has been seeing another or other people for a while but the circumstances have changed with the virus and this is her way of wording it so she gets what she wants.

Plain as the nose on your face.

SilverRoe · 31/10/2020 09:32

Yea i’d guess she is her eye on someone too. As for OR/Poly meaning everyone contributes to bills that’s nonsensical especially in new relationships. What does she think would happen, she has sex with someone else a few times and they then decide to pay your phone bill??

Very few people would start contributing towards
bills for somewhere unless it was a LTR and maybe they were, you know, living there. She sounds very immature.

Cavagirl · 31/10/2020 09:33

I agree with KatzP the bullying after the discussion is the real problem here. She does not appear to respect you or respect your wishes. And is frankly being spoilt and ridiculous in trying to get her own way

Second this. Asking for an open relationship is one thing. Not accepting no, calling you a bitch, whining and going on about it and stamping her feet until she gets her own way is quite another.

You say you've been trying everything she wants in the bedroom etc to keep her happy. Does she make other demands of you to keep her happy? Does she put herself out to make you happy ever, OP?

BlueThistles · 31/10/2020 09:37

sounds an unbearable way to be living OP 🌺

7catsaremycoven · 31/10/2020 09:40

@HeadacheCentral

For you 💐

You're not comfortable with the idea of an open relationship, that is completely your decision.

When you entered your relationship, and marriage, it was with the woman you loved and wanted to spend your life with.

DW is now undermining your life - past, present and future - and expecting you to agree without a murmur.

Please follow your gut, don't open your marriage just because it's what she wants. You are an equal partner in your marriage, your thoughts and feelings count too!

Perhaps see if she will expand on what she wants, exactly how she imagines it would work (would she be announcing the new status quo to your families?), would it be a girlfriend each or a shared one (given her bringing poly into the discussion). I'm not advocating for her, I'm just wondering if she has really thought about the repercussions and if having the conversation might bring up some things that she hasn't considered? At least you can then say "I've listened to your point of view but I don't view it as a positive step forward for our marriage "

Horribly upsetting situation OP, stay strong and don't be bullied into doing anything that doesn't feel right for you. 💐

couchparsnip · 31/10/2020 09:43

That sounds unbearable. She is not being at all reasonable to keep bringing it up after you've said no. It sounds like you are no longer compatible so she either needs to drop the suggestion or you have to split.