Online dating in your 40s - Part 2

[StarlightSparkle]

New thread as I don’t think we are anywhere near done on this subject!

@LuckyLinda3 i think I'd be a bit miffed too. It sounds like he thought you'd be ok with it given you don't see each other much anyway. Did you tell him you were a bit upset about it and was looking forward to seeing him? I would have spelt that out

@Eesha I didn't. And now I kinda feel I dont want to contact again as he may reject me outright. I know I should have been more clear and youre right saying I was looking forward to spending the day with him would have been a much better option. What do you think I should do?

I should add hes working 8 to 9 today and tomorrow. Starting to think I'm the problem here.

@LuckyLinda3 I know things are weird now with covid etc but I had this with a previous iron who basically had me as a filler when all other priorities were met.
He often cited work and being busy as an excuse and while I know he was busy, so was I, my time was just as valuable and probably even more so because I am parenting 3 kids 85% of the time but was still willing to spend my tiny free window with him and he could only get on board with that when it suited him.
Maybe he had to work and risked serious consequences if he didn’t but in that scenario I think he should have been very apologetic and arranging an alternative date.

@LuckyLinda3 personally i like to spell things out so no room for confusion. I would probably send a note to say that I was upset because I was looking forward to spending time together and when he cancelled, I felt like the relationship wasn't that important to him. See if that opens the conversation up and whether things might change going forward. I just think sometimes we assume others know but actually they don't!

@Mayzee, yes I get what you are saying. He will have worked 5 13hr shift in 7 days and 2 of those were days he was meant to be off. It has been a pattern from the start and I'm just remembering that when we talked on Sunday I asked him if he ever takes leave and he said no I just keep working every week. He said he even feels guilty about hiw little he sees his 17yr old son whi lives with him. I think @Eesha is right I should have conveyed my disappointment but I did tell him I thought we had something good between us and i suppose I'm annoyed at how easily he gave up on us as he often said i was a breath of fresh air and that he would wait however long and that he loved the time we spent together. Just dunno how if thats all true it was so easy to let go.

Personally I’d let it go. It’s not going to change and he took your dumping without much of a fight by the sounds of it. Your gut feelings are usually right.

@IBEX7 yeah theres that too. I always think maybe I expect too much or am too impulsive at times but I am reasonable and actions or lack of them are the real indicator for me.

When you are recently out of a marriage you need to have standards and reset your boundaries m otherwise you tend to fall back to the pattern of behaviour and boundaries that you had before and can very easily make the same mistakes relationship wise. I found out the hard way after my marriage split up.

@IBEX7 very good advice. I think this might be why I beat myself up when I do make these decisions and I question if I'm being impulsive or demanding when maybe I'm just not accepting shit.

@LuckyLinda3, do you feel you acted in haste or had you been having other doubts ? He may be someone who previously has always done extra shifts and to him that's his norm because there wasn't a reason to say no before. The fact that he agreed to things ending with you without much of a fight is telling though. If I really liked him I might take the gamble as someone else suggested and just be straight and honest with him. Say that you were disappointed not to see him on the prearranged day and that you took it to mean that you are not a priority for him. Say that you've enjoyed getting to know him but for you regular contact and commitment to making dates is important. Ask him to be open with you. If he's into you he will hopefully respond honestly but if he closes the door on anything more then you at least have a definite end and you can move forward with new dates. Or maybe on reflection you are actually now content that things have come to an end with him.

@Onesmallstep67 thank you. He was a stay at home dad for years so I think his work, just started over a year ago, is everything to him. He doesnt even take leave and has mentioned several times about how little he sees his son. While admirable I think his habit of agreeing to all of these extra shifts means he hasn't really any down time for himself, his son or a relationship. I remember a conversation about his last relationship where he said it was just a routine of physically sleeping together and going to work. This is exactly where I see us if we were to continue as is and that's not enough for me. Yes I do feel I acted hastily but then I also think maybe I have boundaries now and if I'm such a breath of fresh air to him and he loves my company so much why arent his actions matching his words?

@LuckyLinda3, maybe he's worried about saying no to the extra shifts seeing as this job is relatively new for him ? He could have explained that to you though. I guess it really comes down to now if either of you is prepared to be the one to reach out and get things back on track. It may be that his actions in this situation tell you what kind of person he is and if that doesn't work for you then I would let it be and move on.

Why does he see his son so little? That would worry me.

@LuckyLinda3 - Im like you, and go with my gut, then overthink EVERYTHING! I personally think you have done the right thing, I will never ever settle again as I done want to be as unhappy as I ended up in my last relationship, I let things go, and kept my mouth shut when I shouldn't have, and IF I ever get involved with anyone again, then I WILL have boundaries, even if I have to end something that will hurt me I will not put up and shut up again. Actions speak louder than words....remember that. If he gave up so easy then that says everything really, you weren't asking for the world on a stick, just a day together that had already been arranged. I understand work is important, but so are you

I saw the house today, and we decided to go on a second date , so I have applied for it....I also met the landlord who will pick which tenant he likes, so I chatted him up....he is 70 hope it works!

I am also chatting to TWO irons, only exchanged a few messages with both, but no sleazy messages from either...yet! It will all have changed by tomorrow no doubt!

@OutingMyself even though they live in the same house he works so much he hardly sees his son. 4 or 5 13hr shifts a week with 1.5 hrs travel time a day, basically away from early and home to sleep.

Aw thanks so much @pineappleonpizzaornot. Its great that you relate and have put my mind at ease that I wasnt being unreasonable. Delighted about the house and fingers crossed it works out for you.

Thank you for your words of encouragement ladies! I'm hoping this is maybe a home I stay in longer than 3 months! 5 minutes away from family and 5 steps away from the local boozer!! (When they open!)
Can I ask some advice, I am 41 and currently talking to (shock!) A guy who is 48, to me that feels really old! But, I've always gone for younger and maybe that's a massive error on my part! He seems nice. However he is an hour and a half away (we both drive) , but he has an autistic son who lives with him, who doesn't get on with his mum, Too many hurdles to start with? The autism doesn't bother me it's the fact he doesn't see his mum and the distance....it seems a long way if you have sole custody of a child? Or am I just being an arse?? I've been involved with 2 men before and got really close to their kids, then the relarionship has ended and it's gutted me, not sure where to go with this??

@Angelofdeath. Thank you, I have just been blunt and asked him if he has sole custody and he has said no, that his son just prefers to be with him. He seems a nice guy, has a personality, no slimy texts, but I'm just not sure, but then again I don't think I'll ever be "sure" about anyone! Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️ at the minute it's nice to get a message off someone every now and again! It's not like we can arrange to meet anyway!

Hey. Do you think it's okay to ask a Facebook friend of they're single? Even if you suspect maybe not?

*if they're single

@Angelofdeath-distance isn't a huge factor for me, at least with a bit between us he cant be popping round every 5 minutes, the son thing does though, I know I might sound harsh, but I had mine young, they are 21 and 22 now, so dont need me to look after them (so much!), but men my age all seem to have 9-14 year olds, so maybe I am asking too much!
We are still chatting, and thats all it can be for now anyway with the restrictions, I wouldn't dare travel an hour and half to meet someone with the way things are. He did mention last night about meeting, but I told him no way with how it is. He didnt push and we just carried on talking. I can see how it goes I suppose, nothing else to do!
@Hostile17 - Im assuming they dont have a "status" on facebook about their relationship? Why do you think they are attached? If there is nothing obvious to say they are, then I dont see the harm in asking