Online dating in your 40s - Part 2

[StarlightSparkle]

New thread as I don’t think we are anywhere near done on this subject!

After two weeks of nothing (I tried to make it clear I wasn't interested) I get a message from 'I am a special man'.

Started ok, then deteriorated including some childish name calling from him after I politely declined again, wished him well, and said I hoped he found someone lovely.

Apparently I'm a feminist grinch, I shall wear my moniker with pride.

It's true that you really should take notice of your first instincts.

Ugh. My very last communication with a guy has died. I’m off all the apps now and I don’t think I can face going back on. I reignited a few on behalf of a friend who wanted to catch her ex out and I was shocked to see all the same guys as had been on there when I was last fully active nearly three years ago!

so my most recent chat was with a guy I kind of know in real life but we got chatting online. It’s been a real laugh but with lots of shared quite deep stuff too (our common link outside of mutual friends is around a tragic loss).
So we have lots of mickey taking between us and this week he’d kind of jokingly told me that he has a problem with collecting/buying certain high ticket items. I’m pretty much breadline and joked back about how the other half lives, it was not really a funny joke and as it was online looked like a jibe but was very in keeping with the kind of jokes we always make.
Anyway, he blew up and was very defensive, I apologized for insulting him and we exchanged a few messages back and forth and then he said something else in a similar vein but I stupidly thought I would refer back to my original joke but tongue in cheek, of course the nuances aren’t there online, he sent another terse half jokey message back and then we stopped communicating as I had loads on. His message to me was our last communication and he definitely cooled off.
I have a lot going on at the moment so I haven’t messaged back but I’m not sure whether it’s even worth it. My joke was insensitive and could have appeared harsh given the fact he doesn’t know my background/financial situation and maybe environmental stance.
he had recently told me that his ex often made mean jokes at his expense and put him down a lot in the guise of ‘only joking’, so now I’m confused, I don’t know him well enough to know whether he’s generally defensive and sensitive and not suited to me or whether it’s worth pursuing, partly because we have so much in common and partly because he was my last ‘iron’?
Annoyingly I’d been chatting with another gorgeous guy who I was hoping to meet but I had some stuff going on with work and didn’t reply for day or so as was planning to reply properly when I could sit down for a few minutes uninterrupted then got a goodbye message from him as he was coming off the site as he didn’t enjoy the experience.
So that’s all my options gone and I cba to start up new profiles again.
It’s scary how when I first started using old I was inundated with lovely options, plus was able to meet guys in real life so I never had problems getting relationships but always chose badly.
Now I’m middle aged there’s no decent options chasing me and my ill health means I’m not the stunner I once was.
The pool round here is very small. Me and my friends are all coming across the same guys and cross referencing with each other !
It’s a shock trying to date this time around and the competition is fierce!

@famousforwrongreason, I think you should message your ' last' iron and say pretty much what you have said here - that you recognise some of what you had intended as light hearted could have been misconstrued and the ' open to interpretation ' element to text is not always great. Do you feel that there is potential with him ? Technically you are the person who has halted communication by not replying. I think there is no harm in reaching out, either to tie up loose ends or to see if the vague fall out can be overcome, especially as you have a connection in RL.

Aww thank you ladies for the kind messages! I am very happy to be back with family, feel s amazing! And, for now dating can definitely go on the back burner.

@Angelofdeath - I bloody knew something would come of Mr School run! I could feel it my bones! Keep us posted and good luck!

All the other ladies that are finally getting somewhere with a man....good luck to you too :)

@pineappleonpizzaornot, delighted you are in a good place, thank you and I'm sure everything will work out for you too

[quote Onesmallstep67]@famousforwrongreason, I think you should message your ' last' iron and say pretty much what you have said here - that you recognise some of what you had intended as light hearted could have been misconstrued and the ' open to interpretation ' element to text is not always great. Do you feel that there is potential with him ? Technically you are the person who has halted communication by not replying. I think there is no harm in reaching out, either to tie up loose ends or to see if the vague fall out can be overcome, especially as you have a connection in RL. [/quote]
Aww @Onesmallstep67 what a lovely message, thank you 😊 I'm having a really hard time at the moment so nice to have some kind words. Funny enough he has reignited messages again, on a practical point but has started to talk about general stuff. I apologised and he said its OK and he reiterated the non verbal miscommunication stuff so will see how we go.

@famousforwrongreason, I'm glad to hear that the communication between you has restarted. It's been such a difficult year for so many people, having a friendly connection with someone is not something to be undervalued at the moment. If there is more potential between the two of you maybe the new year would be a better point to explore that in a more relaxed way.

[quote Onesmallstep67]@famousforwrongreason, I'm glad to hear that the communication between you has restarted. It's been such a difficult year for so many people, having a friendly connection with someone is not something to be undervalued at the moment. If there is more potential between the two of you maybe the new year would be a better point to explore that in a more relaxed way.[/quote]
Yeah I agree. I do have caustic sense of humour which is fine with people who know me well, most of my close friends and colleagues are as sharp and dark as me, (very hardcore jobs for thirty odd years, gallows humour is one of my skills) but I know it has taken a few people by surprise over the years. I have not always been the best at choosing my audience & I know that when I was younger annd more drunk I did hurt peoples feelings, completely unintentional.
I'm genuinely a kind and compassionate person, I know it sounds very narcissistic to list mmy good points, but I genuinely don't want to hurt feelings, I think I just speak before I think sometimes.

It's interesting as I'm often very hurt by things my sister says which feel bitchy and spiteful and my mum was very harsh (but also very abusive) also my mums sister is very abrupt as well so this is making me consider the bigger picture when I remember how hurt I've been by my sisters 'observations, so if I am anything like them, I definitely need to work on my tongue.
This guy and I have definitely shared a lot of laughs at a similar level, but I think I hit an achilles thing.
everyone is much more on edge and sensitive at the moment so I think I'll keep an eye out for similar reactions but also try and be a bit less sarky as well or more mindful how I use it.
I have had a really shit time with men culminating with c-ptsd regarding a horrible incident last year so my attitudes to men also need further work!

I've got another young one on the go atm.

I'm really failing at knowing what to say to people. I feel like I hit a wall about five messages in.

I’ve been dipping my toe in the water again but the men on my app really are dire. Got chatting to one guy who seemed nice but since I mentioned my kids he seems to have gone quiet. It does say I have kids on my profile but maybe he missed it! Was also unmatched by another one I liked the look of.

Oh, Angel, Mr School run! Good work in finding out that he’s single. At least there is some hope then! A dad starting chatting to me the other day when I’d taken my kids to the park after school. I didn’t fancy him but it made me think that it is possible to meet people in ways other than OLD. If only it had been a hot dad!

@OutingMyself I have the same problem. I struggle with what to say.

I'm chatting to two at the moment, done the usual what do you like doing, what job etc and I'm stuck on what to say next. I never had that problem with Mr Computer Geek and it's a real shame that one has died out. Well I assume it has, he did say last week he would be back when he has sorted himself out and could be of use to someone. I sent him a message on Tuesday which he has read and not replied to.

Joining the thread. No interest in finding a second husband / long term partner, nor am I looking for a McShag. Just want to occasionally share a bottle of wine with someone I can also snog! Joined tinder and have a few chats going. Meeting someone for a coffee next week in the park.

I can't even start a conversation with anyone on Bumble at all atm

Does anyone have any outlandish dating app recommendations that I might not have heard of? I've given up with Tinder and Happn. I don't like free for all apps like Badoo and Plenty of Fish. Are the rest paying ones?

Well I'm talking to two at the moment. One seems lovely but not my type, we do get on and have some great chats I just don't think he is my type. He wants to meet. The other well he is my type, he wants to meet too. The first one I shall call Mr Sales and the second Mr Events.

Me and Mr Sales have some really interesting chats, but I can see it going more of the friend route. There has been no flirting just pleasant chats. He seems really nice though.

Mr Events I got an instant connection with, the flirting has been good. We shall see whether he still messages today. I got a bit of a Mr Computer Geek vibe about it all though so I'm slightly cautious on this one. I'm wondering if there is an ex or a wife out there which will complicate things.

In a complete turnaround from last night, I may have found one who is actually good looking and prefers to meet in person to chat (my preference too)!

@Angelofdeath whenever I use POF or Badoo I get overwhelmed with messages about whether or not I like stockings or how they can get an "angle" lyk me etc. Or from overweight 60 year old bin men.

@Isitreally77 I can't flirt before I meet them. I'd worry they think they're in for a shag on the first date!

I've met all my dates last year and this time around on Match which you have to pay for. I met one date on Hinge this year. 100% failure rate on Bumble and when I went on POF last year it wasn't for me!

I don't like flirting much before I've met someone as I've learnt that until you meet no matter how good the messaging is you have no way of knowing if either of you will fancy the other until you meet in person. I think to be honest I'm pretty rubbish at flirting anyway, that's what a long marriage does go you 🙄
Saw mr check last night again and he's not long left for work. We've decided we're now seeing each other, not really just dating as we both have no interest in seeing anyone else for now and both want to see if we are compatible to move into a relationship. The good thing is like me he doesn't want to live with anyone for the foreseeable but wants a relationship and not just sex. I think this is possible and beneficial when you've both got children and also need a bit of your own life as well. Without the support of my friends after my exh affair and my subsequently acrimonious divorce I have no idea where I'd be now so I don't intend to give up friendships for any bloke. He seems to get that.
Still early days and the cynic in me says it'll all go t1ts up but happy with how it's going currently.

Sounds good @VivaVegas..you are both comfortable with the situation for now so just go with it and enjoy. Fingers crossed @OutingMyself and @Isitreally77!

Ffs I think Mr Events is married. I was having another look at his profile pictures today and there looks to be a wedding ring on his left hand. I've not heard from him today so I can't ask him. I don't want to unmatch until I've asked him though. I knew it didn't feel right. 😕

Is it just me or do irons take ages to reply to messages?
And how long is reasonable to wait for a reply until delete? For example sent a reply monday morning and heard nothing since? Do I take that as a not interested?

@Isitreally77 that's shit :(

@Ilovegreentomatoes Personally I'd take that as done now, but others may think differently. Mine hasn't replied since this afternoon and I think that's it, but then I'm pessimistic like that! Over 24 hours though.. doesn't sound too keen to me.

I agree started so well as he was one of the few who actually botherd to write a proper intelligent message.Oh well delete it is.