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Original poster

Living arrangements. Am I being unreasonable?

127 replies

Anila32 · 30/10/2020 11:53

I've been with my partner for over 3 years now. About 2.5 years ago he moved 300 miles away to progress his career and come back to the house he owns there. I supported his decisions and we became a long distance relationship. About a year after we agreed that I'll move to his region so we can start building life together. My plan was to move and rent a place on my own, as he had lodgers and I'm not comfortable with living that way. (I was happy for him though to keep the lodgers and I would just live somewhere in the area). Once I moved I made my rental arrangements but last minute he persuaded me to stay in his place and try. It's been 1.5 years we're living like this and unfortunately I cannot get used to it. I feel awkward and uncomfortable and lacking privacy. One lodger moved out but there's still one lodger in atm and since covid started we're all working from homes all the time which made it even more difficult to accommodate to.
I already offered him that I'm happy to pay him whatever his lodger is paying for rooms just so we can live on our own. He said that it's not about the money and he won't make her go unless she decides to.
We're also trying for a baby and I simply cannot imagine this intimate stage in life and current living arrangements. I can also add that we're in good financial position and don't need lodger to support income.

I decided that the best way will be if I step aside and get a place on my own until she decides to move out one day. My partner is unhappy about that and says it's a step back and it will put a massive dent in our relationship
He's been absolutely upset since last night once I told him I want to find place to live separately.
Ideally I'd like to keep living with him but without a lodger. For him it's not an option.
Am I being weird with having such needs? Is it unreasonable to ask him for us to be living on our own, especially when I'm more than happy to pay extra for whatever he'd lose without having a lodger in?

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 30/10/2020 11:54

No you’re not being unreasonable at all.

AriettyHomily · 30/10/2020 11:56

No you're not being weird. I wouldn't like it either. What if you get pregnant will she still be there when you bring the baby home?

Why doesn't he want to give notice to her?

Any chance something happened between them?

Coriandersucks · 30/10/2020 11:57

No not unreasonable. You tried it, didn’t like it so get your own place until he’s ready to ditch the lodger life. And fgs please stop trying for a baby until you have decent living arrangements sorted and you’re both on the same page.

BuffayTheVampireLayer · 30/10/2020 12:00

I wouldn't like it. Why on earth are tou trying for a baby when he's very clearly showing you that you are not his priority, the lodger is!

dreamingbohemian · 30/10/2020 12:00

That is so odd! Why is he being so stubborn? Honestly, it's so weird I think you should be re-evaluating your relationship, if he's willing to prioritise a lodger over you.

willowmelangell · 30/10/2020 12:01

You are being very reasonable.
Don't doubt or 2nd guess yourself. Stick to your resolve and get your plans in place. If you give up he will not take you seriously again.
Good luck and enjoy your (soon) new place.

Isanyholeagoal · 30/10/2020 12:03

This is a very strange situation. You don’t like your current living arrangements, he’s unwilling to change for whatever reason but you are still trying for a baby together Hmm why would he want to start a family with you and have a lodger, that’s weird especially if he doesn’t need the money.

If it were me I would stop trying for a baby and ask him what he wants long term, what is his priority, a family or a lodger? Surely this situation needs to be sorted before a baby is thought about

TurquoiseDragon · 30/10/2020 12:03

If it's not the money, then there's some other reason he doesn't want hert to go. Has anything happened between them? Since he's not willing to compromise, I'd be taking a look at the relationship.

Rockinmomma · 30/10/2020 12:03

Is it that he doesn’t want to make her homeless in the current pandemic?
Have you talked about a time frame?
It’s definitely an awkward living situation, I’d not be comfortable either but we are living in unprecedented times.

yvanka · 30/10/2020 12:04

Why don't you two rent somewhere together and he can rent out all the rooms in his house?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2020 12:11

I'd be telling him there is already a "massive dent" in your relationship because he refuses to get rid of the lodger. Not a family member, a lodger. Where does his loyalty lie? It's certainly not with you.

Whatever you decide, stop trying to get pregnant. He isn't committed to your happiness, and him not understanding why having a lodger bothers you is just plain weird.

litterbird · 30/10/2020 12:13

Whats worrying here is he has called all the shots and you have complied with almost everything. He is now making you feel guilty for wanting to move away. For goodness sake please stop trying for a baby. This situation is far from good to bring another life in. Re evaluate everything going on in your life. Its not a good scenario for a life long relationship.

Haggisfish · 30/10/2020 12:15

What @Aquamarine1029 said.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/10/2020 12:15

Stop TTCing until you feel properly settled into family life with him.

Stand your ground. Putting up with it or only doing what he agrees to isn't the only option here.

Yohoheaveho · 30/10/2020 12:16

You and this man are completely incompatible do not have a baby with him

Mallemo · 30/10/2020 12:17

Ohhhhh hell no! Get out of there OP and stop trying for a baby! There must be a reason she’s still living there - not normal at all.

Monr0e · 30/10/2020 12:18

You uprooted your whole life for him. You are not being unreasonable at all. I would put the ttc on hold as a minimum until you are able to resolve this.

Explain you have demonstrated your commitment to him, you are simply asking him to do the same, to make a home for you both where you can begin to live as a family, whether that is in the house you are in now, or in a new place you buy together.

(Also, you are ttc but no talk of marriage? Please protect yourself before adding a baby into the mix)

ApolloandDaphne · 30/10/2020 12:23

How long has the current lodger been living there? If it has been a long time I can maybe understand that he does not want to force her to move on as she probably considers it her home?

It is a difficult one as he clearly isn't at all bothered about this whereas you are. You need to have a long hard think about your future together.

Original poster
Anila32 · 30/10/2020 12:24

Answering your questions as to why he doesn't want to give her notice:
He said she's been living there for over 3 years now and been a great lodger. And that out of respect he won't make her 'homeless' and it helps him to pay off his mortgage and that way I can save more money too.
I trust nothing ever happened between them and I trust him in this sense.
The fact that she's been there longer than me makes it even more awkward and uncomfortable for me. As she already has e.g. things in kitchen arranged her way and sometimes moves stuff around if she doesn't like the way I've left them.
In terms of the baby he said if we had one then we'd be living on our own. But he didn't want to confirm at what stage of pregnancy he'd give her notice. And he says until then there's no reason for us to be living on our own.
I also offered that we can get a new place together and he can rent the whole house out but he doesn't want that. I'm looking to buy a flat in near future anyway and said that may e then we could live at mine but he wants to live in a house to have more space.

OP posts:
yvanka · 30/10/2020 12:30

It does seem as though he has called all the shots - he moved away and you followed him, you wanted to rent somewhere and he convinced you not to, now he's refusing to get rid of the lodger even though your request is perfectly normal and reasonable.

You need to stop going along with what he says and actually lay your cards on the table. This isn't working for you and either she goes or you go, the baby plans are on hold until this is sorted.

Original poster
Anila32 · 30/10/2020 12:30

Also btw I'm 32 and he's 44. I don't want to put off trying for a baby as I'm already having issues conceiving. I'd love marriage. We'd probably get engaged in following months, but this may not happen if I move out as I can see he completely changed his stance towards me once I told him I want to get back to my original plan and live separately until there's no lodger.

Do you see any other resolutions?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2020 12:30

Read what you just wrote. You both want very different things, and he wants it all his way.

FGS, do not have a baby with him.

yvanka · 30/10/2020 12:34

At 44, with a partner and trying for a baby he should not have a lodger anyway, it's weird.

I'm not trying to be rude, but do you ever properly stand up to him or generally just give in to what he wants? A year and a half is a long time to be uncomfortable in your own home.

afaloren · 30/10/2020 12:38

What a weirdo. Dump him and find someone normal.

Poppingnostopping · 30/10/2020 12:38

Why do you want to marry someone and have a baby with them when they don't really want to prioritize your happiness? Are you always going to do what they want?

I think you've already given up the most, and he's not willing to compromise, so if I were you, I would move out into your own flat and see if you want to be together.

At the moment, he wants his current living arrangement to carry on even though that risks losing you! He sounds quite rigid and not used to compromise, you are having to do all of it, and that doesn't bode well for a marriage or a baby (it seems like you want those things whether or not you really work with him as a couple).