Living arrangements. Am I being unreasonable?

[Anila32]

I've been with my partner for over 3 years now. About 2.5 years ago he moved 300 miles away to progress his career and come back to the house he owns there. I supported his decisions and we became a long distance relationship. About a year after we agreed that I'll move to his region so we can start building life together. My plan was to move and rent a place on my own, as he had lodgers and I'm not comfortable with living that way. (I was happy for him though to keep the lodgers and I would just live somewhere in the area). Once I moved I made my rental arrangements but last minute he persuaded me to stay in his place and try. It's been 1.5 years we're living like this and unfortunately I cannot get used to it. I feel awkward and uncomfortable and lacking privacy. One lodger moved out but there's still one lodger in atm and since covid started we're all working from homes all the time which made it even more difficult to accommodate to.
I already offered him that I'm happy to pay him whatever his lodger is paying for rooms just so we can live on our own. He said that it's not about the money and he won't make her go unless she decides to.
We're also trying for a baby and I simply cannot imagine this intimate stage in life and current living arrangements. I can also add that we're in good financial position and don't need lodger to support income.

I decided that the best way will be if I step aside and get a place on my own until she decides to move out one day. My partner is unhappy about that and says it's a step back and it will put a massive dent in our relationship
He's been absolutely upset since last night once I told him I want to find place to live separately.
Ideally I'd like to keep living with him but without a lodger. For him it's not an option.
Am I being weird with having such needs? Is it unreasonable to ask him for us to be living on our own, especially when I'm more than happy to pay extra for whatever he'd lose without having a lodger in?

OP things are good because your living HIS life. Please see this is not a functioning relationship. Cut your loses and leave.

OMG the not being able to have my things how I wanted them in the house I shared with my partner would have me out of there immediately .

Like do you all have to sit around and watch movies together? Do you feel like the spare part or does she?

Bizarre. Move out and leave them to it. Be interesting to see how they handle it. The only way his ‘stance’ should change is if he says ‘my god, my darling, you are absolutely right and I have suddenly realised how WEIRD and INAPPROPRIATE it is for you to have to live with this other woman and fight for status/space in what was meant to be our shared home. Forgive me, I beg you!’

Otherwise, start packing those kitchen things for a place where you’ll be allowed to arrange them as you like.

Have done pride! Say to him, who is more important to you, me or the lodger. If he says you, then say, right I want you to tell the lodger to leave. If he says no, then you know he is lying to you. If he says the lodger then you know straight away. Just ask him the question and don't let him kerfuffle around the answer. Tell him you want a straight answer.
Stop putting up with this nonsense!

You know what they say about prioritising someone who sees you as an option, don’t.

“OP things are good because your living HIS life. Please see this is not a functioning relationship. Cut your loses and leave.”

This. Don’t waste another 2 years waiting for this guy to be ready for a child. He is way too selfish for parenthood. And he’ll probably move the goalposts again in 2 years’ time.

@Anila32
I had a friend in this situation who had a number of relationships that ended partly due to this.
It took from being 39 to 53 for him to finally accept that this wasn't everyone's view of utopia. And he finally married and moved into her home, despite having previously always refused to move.
So either it takes the right woman or the right time....

I get that he's being decent towards the lodger. And certainly , I don't think that forcing her out in these covid times is fair when it's not a necessity...

Equally, I wouldn't be ttc in the current situation. So I suppose I'd be looking for a compromise along the lines of say 12 months notice to the lodger and you won't be ttc until this has happened.

He keeps mentioning all these time periods.

What difference will 2 years or 5 years make?
What will be so completely different from right now?

I 2nd doing the Freedom Programme.

As hard as it is, move out and end this.

Like a PP mentioned, once she got rid of a useless DH, a good guy who wanted a family with her now showed up.

I would end this now. You are still young enough to find a proper grown up.

You need to rethink this whole thing. Everything is on HIS terms. It's HIS house which you have no right to, it's HIM stopping you from getting your own place, and HE is controlling everything. What happens to you if the worst happens? If you have to self fund through maternity and it strips away your savings? What if you can't go back to work and end up as a sahm? He loses nothing at all. You will have nothing but the child.

Children should be the result of a steady, happy, settled and PREPARED well established couple. There is no guarantee that he will even go through with removing his lodger before baby is born. And I say this as someone who couldn't get her long term BF to move out of his mother's even though he spent all his time at mine and we wanted a baby. He kept promising "next week", "next month", or "soon".

Thankfully he did move in with me when I absolutely put my foot down at 7 months pregnant and told him no fucking way was I living alone with his kid despite us being a couple. He did NOT get to go home and miss the night feeds, the fevers and illnesses, the sleepless nights, the nappy changes etc. I wasn't a single mum and baby would never be "visiting" her dad's house if we were a couple.

We're happily married with 3 kids and 17 years together under our belts but knowing what I know now, seeing what I see with other families, I would have never taken the risk.

Op, if his feelings towards you change because you want to live with him solo then he doesn't love you. He loves you only if you go along with his ways.

You don't agree on how you live together, when to buy, if to marry. These are BIG issues that show he is incapable of compromise or wanting to make you happy. You have to fit into a mould or else he won't love you.

Once you are dependant in him I suspect he will completely call the shots. No woman decides to be in a bad relationship, they fall into it by the erosion of self, such as is happening to you.

Manipulative people are highly plausible and can twist everything so that it all sounds logical and you are not being unreasonable.

Don't have a baby with this man, it will make you vulnerable and then it will take away all your independence. Then you will be living according to his rules.

He's basically a Future Faker. Stop buying into it! Is he really good enough to be the father of your potential children? Nope.

He has already wasted years of your life.

Everything will always be on his terms.

Choose to hang around waiting for him if that's all you feel you deserve BUT you can't say you weren't clearly warned that he is all about himself.

Your gut has been screaming at you that you are not happy with the way you live.

But if you really want to gamble your life away with a man so selfish that is your choice.

Your will regret it.

Your relationship bar is clearly on the ground that you would have accepted such a scenario like this for years.

This is why you are with someone like this.

Desperation breeds this type of relationship and contempt.

Have a poor child with him and you will both be at the mercy of his selfish decisions forever.

So sad.

@DreadingSeason2020sFinale

You need to rethink this whole thing. Everything is on HIS terms. It's HIS house which you have no right to, it's HIM stopping you from getting your own place, and HE is controlling everything. What happens to you if the worst happens? If you have to self fund through maternity and it strips away your savings? What if you can't go back to work and end up as a sahm? He loses nothing at all. You will have nothing but the child.

Children should be the result of a steady, happy, settled and PREPARED well established couple. There is no guarantee that he will even go through with removing his lodger before baby is born. And I say this as someone who couldn't get her long term BF to move out of his mother's even though he spent all his time at mine and we wanted a baby. He kept promising "next week", "next month", or "soon".

Thankfully he did move in with me when I absolutely put my foot down at 7 months pregnant and told him no fucking way was I living alone with his kid despite us being a couple. He did NOT get to go home and miss the night feeds, the fevers and illnesses, the sleepless nights, the nappy changes etc. I wasn't a single mum and baby would never be "visiting" her dad's house if we were a couple.

We're happily married with 3 kids and 17 years together under our belts but knowing what I know now, seeing what I see with other families, I would have never taken the risk.

Fully agree with this

Just be glad you realised this about him now & not once you were pregnant

@DreadingSeason2020sFinale great post and well done to you for standing up for yourself. Clearly for you it worked out 👏🏻

Please leave him.

This is a really dysfunctional relationship.

And the thought of bringing a baby into it...

Luckily you seem financially secure because when (not if) you end up a single parent you'll need to be self-supporting.

Start going for what you want and if he's not prepared to compromise he's not the man for you

Thanks all again for your supportive and honest comments.
I had another talk with him yesterday. I said that if we want to create a family and real home, we should be both on the same page. I asked him what is more important for him, myself or living with the lodger. He said it's me and I'm his priority, but he's got his values, which mean he won't put her in such situation and he won't do something against them. I said didn't need her to leave right in this moment. I really understand that because of covid you may need more time to arrange everything. I would be perfectly happy to give her plenty of notice (e.g. 3-4 months) or even more reasonably longer time until she finds somewhere suitable.
What's hurt me the most is that he said that she's been in this house even longer than us and she made it her home, so now to ditch someone like that is not right. WTF? Does he not get that maybe she did made herself at home, but I as his girlfriend I never felt like here like at home? I clearly said to him what environment I'd like to live in to be happy and fulfilled and progress our relationship, and that means living as a couple without other people.
His arguments are that it's a very big house and I should have enough space to arrange various rooms my way. But I did irriterate to him that it's not the physical space. In the past I was living in a studio flat and I was fine. Even when in previous relationship I lived with my ex without anyone else, so I know the difference. It's the mental factor causing this. He just doesn't get it.
Initially when I moved here there were also additional lodgers, a student couple. We even used to share the bathroom with them as the other lady lodger had her own bathroom. He didn't want to let them go either but luckily after 6 months they moved by choice to their own place. He said that he made a great compromise by not getting another lodger after they left. We only stayed with one, so I shouldn't have reason to complain.
Yesterday he again gave me dreamy scenarios of what will happen in two years time. That we'll get a different house, be a happy family etc. But I don't need utopian pictures. I don't want my life on hold.
He's still very cold towards me and upset since I said I'm looking for places. He's not talking to me etc, never seen him like this. I'm having a viewing next week of one of the flats to rent. I seriously would so much prefer to stay if it was just two of us. I'm not sure what will happen if I move out, if we'll be still together. It's all frustrating and painful. I also don't think he 100% believes I'm going to move out, as I already mentioned this to him a couple of times in the past when on the edge, but never had courage to do it (I know that's another mistake). I think now it's the time to really move on.
Looking retrospectively the biggest mistake I made is that I didn't act according to what I thought was right at the time (once relocated to rent a place on my own and only if we both were happy with the idea of living arangments then move in together. And maybe not even move in together until engaged and both on the same page. I hope maybe this thread will be a warning to someone in similar situation.
Thank you to every single one of you for your valuable posts. It's good to read about your experiences and see various patterns.
I'll keep you updated of how the things go. I'm really hoping I'm not being weird and awkward.

Good luck OP, I hope you get a good outcome. And please please don't fall for any half measures or promises - do live in your own for a bit, and really get to grips with your own needs, separate from his.

This is where he shows you who he is and what you mean to him - if you make it easy on him you'll never know for sure

• I hope maybe this thread will be a warning to someone in similar situation. Thank you to every single one of you for your valuable posts. It's good to read about your experiences and see various patterns. I'll keep you updated of how the things go. I'm really hoping I'm not being weird and awkward.*

You sound like you are just going to continue to put up with this op. You aren't being weird- this is all him. He says you are his priority but his actions say the opposite. And he's keeping you dangling still.

If you were my friend I'd be sitting you down and having a very frank conversation.

Stop TTC with him. To be honest I think the relationship is over.

I really hope you get out into your own space soon and realise that this man is never going to change. He doesn't want to. He doesn't view you as a priority. He's still prioritising her over you and dismissing your concerns.

Even with you moving out - he's just trying to sulk and manipulate you into doing what he wants. There's no you, he doesn't hear or listen to you. You're just an add on that he wants to control.

My advice is leave ASAP and if you truly want to give him a chance to see if he cares at all, send him one last message when you're gone saying you've no interest in any further contact unless he is ready for it to be just the two of you and as long as he's living with her, he has no place in your life. He will probably stay with her but maybe... In the meantime, date other men, you might meet someone worthwhile.

Personally, I'd leave, ghost him and leave him to his lodger.

He's still very cold towards me and upset since I said I'm looking for places. He's not talking to me etc, never seen him like this.

And another red flag. What a surprise he's using the age old abusive prick tactic of stonewalling you - he's punishing you for daring to not do as he wants.

Seriously ltb

He doesn’t care about your feelings and he’s being controlling because he wants it all his way. The fact he is angry and ignoring you is a massive red flag. Is this really the man you want as the father of your child? Move out and don’t look back.

If having kids is important to you OP you need to give him an ultimatum or break up with him. You don't have years to wait and see if he'll change. You need to decide how long you're willing to give this. If you don't want kids you can afford to wait longer. But honestly if he really wanted the relationship with you and a family with you, he'd be giving her notice. It can be generous notice, but if he's not willing to do that now and you want kids it's time to cut your losses..

Why would you even sleep with him let alone try to conceive and bring a poor baby into this mess?!

He’s not very interested in your happiness is he? I think you deserve to be someone’s priority