Living arrangements. Am I being unreasonable?

[Anila32]

I've been with my partner for over 3 years now. About 2.5 years ago he moved 300 miles away to progress his career and come back to the house he owns there. I supported his decisions and we became a long distance relationship. About a year after we agreed that I'll move to his region so we can start building life together. My plan was to move and rent a place on my own, as he had lodgers and I'm not comfortable with living that way. (I was happy for him though to keep the lodgers and I would just live somewhere in the area). Once I moved I made my rental arrangements but last minute he persuaded me to stay in his place and try. It's been 1.5 years we're living like this and unfortunately I cannot get used to it. I feel awkward and uncomfortable and lacking privacy. One lodger moved out but there's still one lodger in atm and since covid started we're all working from homes all the time which made it even more difficult to accommodate to.
I already offered him that I'm happy to pay him whatever his lodger is paying for rooms just so we can live on our own. He said that it's not about the money and he won't make her go unless she decides to.
We're also trying for a baby and I simply cannot imagine this intimate stage in life and current living arrangements. I can also add that we're in good financial position and don't need lodger to support income.

I decided that the best way will be if I step aside and get a place on my own until she decides to move out one day. My partner is unhappy about that and says it's a step back and it will put a massive dent in our relationship
He's been absolutely upset since last night once I told him I want to find place to live separately.
Ideally I'd like to keep living with him but without a lodger. For him it's not an option.
Am I being weird with having such needs? Is it unreasonable to ask him for us to be living on our own, especially when I'm more than happy to pay extra for whatever he'd lose without having a lodger in?

If you want to have a baby with him you need him to be a committed partner, he is not one, he wants to call The shots, play fast and loose, keep his options open etc

Maybe have a baby if you think he's got good genes and you want to be a single parent but if I was 32 and wanted to select someone to provide the genetic material for my baby I would not want 'old man sperm' Id want my baby to have a younger father
Do not waste your 32-year old eggs on 44 year old sperm!

How about you invest in a small place for the lodger to rent. You get your property investment and lodger is not made homeless. You could buy a 2 bed and let her choose the second tenant if she prefers not to be alone.

Of course he changed his stance - he’s bullying you and he didn’t like you saying you were doing something your own way. Wake up! You may or may not be able to resolve this, for all we know he may be a wonderful man but he’s still bullying you into his way of life and ignoring your wants. Why are you waiting around to find out what he will allow? Get your own place and make your own boundaries clear. If you’re living together, there won’t be a lodger.

You will miss your chance of a baby with the right man if you stay too long with the wrong one. He seems to insist a lot, and you seem to give in every time. That doesn't bode well for your future together.

Is that the pattern you want to set for the rest of your life? Do you want to take the risk that the lodger is there for ever? Will he insist on names, on deciding your maternity plans, on choosing if you work and when? At the moment he wants to both live in a shared house like a single man and also try for a baby like a man in a committed relationship. He can't be both.

Go ahead and get your own place. Insist on it. Then see how he responds to your not backing down. That will tell you all you need to know, and I'd bet that you will be glad you got the flat.

It’s really not a good idea to try and conceive with someone who will not prioritise your needs in this way and will not even commit to a timescale of when he might feel able to accommodate your entirely normal desire to be a single family household.
You are asking him for a comparatively small commitment from him. If he can’t offer it, why would you make a lifelong commitment to parent with him? If he can’t put you first now, he is not likely to ever do so.

You're right, you can't wait much longer for children. So don't waste any more time with this man who clearly does not care about your feelings or preferences.

Get your own flat and find someone who is on the same page with you. You still have a few years, don't stay with this man because you think he's your last shot.

If he won’t compromise, or come to some sort of understanding for example give the lodger notice once your 12 weeks pregnant, than I don’t see what other options are available.

He can either give notice or you can move out. He may not like it, but neither do you like living with a lodger, nor will you accept living with one when pregnant/have a baby.

I am sympathetic to the fact she’s been a good lodger for 3 years, but she’s also had 3 years of a nice roof over her head. Rented or lodging there is never the promise or expectation of being able to live there forever.

In your position I would be extremely worried as to why he is so willing to put another person, and a bit of extra cash above your happiness as a couple, and indeed you as a person. I’d seriously be reconsidering TTC.

He chooses the lodger over you? Are you quite sure that's not his secret wife... is he really fit to be your chosen impregnator?

If you  really can't do any better and have to settle for him,   then you're going to have to get a whole lot tougher to fight your corner  when you have DC.  

For starters, play dirty; get the lodger on her own and explain why you would like her to move out ASAP. Bribe her with a cash payment on condition she doesn't tell DP its all your idea. That's a lot cheaper than renting a place of your own.

OP it's not him or nothing you know?

He is actually using having a baby as a reason why he would ask her to leave, basically trying to coax you into trying for a baby with him with no guarantee that anything will change. You don't know that he will give notice to her once pregnant, do not rely on his say so. You need proof that he's serious about wanting a family with you and at a minimum that would entail giving notice before the baby is conceived. But then you have ideas of marriage - you should ensure this happens too before having a child with him, as you would otherwise be living in his owned place with no protection whatsoever and he could make you leave, baby and all, at any time.
I am beginning to think he's not on the same page as you at all, you may be at risk of wasting your most fertile years on this man. He's not proposed yet after 3years, so I don't think he will do that for you either.
Think about it, if he's putting giving notice to his lodger above the chance of having a life and family with you, then how much does he really want to build a life with you? I think you've been driving this relationship onwards with no compromise from him and no effort on his part. I think that you want a baby more than he does, I don't really think his feelings run as deep as yours. He's not really acting like he loves you is he?

@Yohoheaveho what an odd comment

Op it sounds like you’ve bought into the sunken costs fallacy that you’ve invested so much in this man that to even consider walking away now is going to mean all that you’ve done in the last few years has gone to waste.

Think about how many more years you could waste if you wait a moment longer for him to decide which way your life is going to go?

He’s not even told you at what stage he wants the lodger to leave if and when you get pregnant - that’s just bizarre. You don’t even feel like the home is your own at the moment imagine that with a new baby. What if the lodger starts moving your baby bottles around because it doesn’t suit her?

This is no relationship to bring a new life into the world. Unless he’s willing to start making some serious changes I would absolutely be making plans to set up on your own and making some serious decisions about what you want out of your life - because this man is highly unlikely to get any better.

Also - how weird is the lodger? If it were me and the girlfriend moved in I would take that as a clear signal it’s time to move on and leave the couple to it.

Is something going on between him ahd this lodger?

*and obviously.

He's 100% fucking the lodger.

OP,

You poor woman, this is such a sad thread to read.

Truly your relationship bar is on the absolute floor.

Unbelievable.

You want a baby with a man who doesn't even want to live with you on your own.🙄

You have spent the last couple of years running after a man who doesn't care for you enough to live with you.

You are another lodger.

He hasn't a notion of marrying you.

Why would he?

You have absolutely no self respect to accept this low a bar and to want to have the baby of a man who treats you thus.

If you continue on this path you are committing yourself to a life where what you want doesn't matter.

Please move out and get some counselling to work out why your expectations are so low, why you would spend years of your precious life living in this situation and now wanting to bring a child into such an environment.

He doesn't respect you now, why would a child change that.

All a child will do is make you more vulnerable and stuck.

You are not his priority.

Please seek help to try and understand you deserve so much better than this.

The biggest problem here is he isn't willing to compromise, it's his area, his house, his wants, his needs.

I would LTB.
You can't create a family and a proper relationship whilst living in a shared house.

Also she won't be homeless, he can give her plenty of notice and a good refrence, even pre pay her deposit back ... She can find elsewhere to live. But for me it would be too late. He doesn't respect you

I know he's upset, but it seems that one of you has to be upset because you can't come to an agreement. Point out to him that you have been unhappy since you moved in with him, and now it's his turn to be unhappy because you're fed up with being the one who has to give in to his demands.

See if you can find someone nicer to have a child with, because if he disregards your feelings now then he's not going to get any better.

This man is not committed to you. He wants everything his way. Honestly, end this relationship. You are never going to happy with such a selfish man. Bringing a baby into the mix is going to make everything worse for you.

I know you're worrying about your fertility. But you've got plenty of time. I started trying for a baby when I was 36, and got pregnant straight away (2nd month) despite being overweight which makes it harder. I'm now pregnant with my second at 43.

We had lodgers in our family house when I was a kid due to money difficulties. I hated it, I felt uncomfortable in my own home. You are completely reasonable in wanting to live just the 2 of you.

@TurquoiseDragon

If it's not the money, then there's some other reason he doesn't want hert to go. Has anything happened between them? Since he's not willing to compromise, I'd be taking a look at the relationship.

I can’t emphasise enough how much I agree with this!!! Ask him what the reason is if it’s not financial. Ask him why he’s putting his “lodgers” feelings above yours?!

Move back to where your friends and family are, and start again. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner and this will drive you mad.

He's not necessarily involved with the lodger, it may not even have occurred to him that that could be a thing

But he's never, ever, done anything to prioritise you, has he?

He moved 300 miles away from you after 6 months - how often did he do the traveling to see you, when you were long distance?

He persuaded you to move in when you didn't want to, to save himself the effort of going to your place?

He doesn't want you buying your own flat, which would be in your best interests to have some stability outside a formal marriage. He wants to live in his house, with his family, with everything the way it currently is and the lodger will magically disappear, honest.

Are you sure this is a relationship? A partnership? Because it sounds more like a part time job to me, where you do everything his way and pretend to be happy.

It's also stopping you from finding the relationship of equals you deserve

OMG OP you need to push forward in your own life. Do not be persuaded otherwise. Honestly the only way to gain some control is to move out and show him you bloody mean it. If he does back down, you know everything you need to.

To me it’s like you’re living in his life, not your lives together. Fuck that.

As someone who is married AND has a housemate, this is weird. It should be something you are both happy with as you are a team, a couple, especially if you are at the stage of TTC and neither of you desperately need the money. For us it works as we love our lodger but the agreement is definitely if one of us isn’t happy then we’d ask her to leave.

I guess the real issue is your DP’s reaction - can he not see that your happiness is more important than having an awkward conversation with the lodger even if she is by now a friend? The lodger must know that when you moved in there was a very good chance she would have to move out soon so it’s not like she wouldn’t have seen this coming. I think you just will have to try and make him empathise “We’re a team, that means it’s important we’re both happy, and I’m just not happy living like this, I’ve given it a good try, I’d much rather stay here and live with you but if you won’t give lodger her notice then I’m so unhappy I want to get my own place, but I’d much rather stay here without the lodger”.

Then wait. Don’t make excuses. Don’t let him persuade you. Give him a couple of days and if he still hasn’t decided to ask her to leave then I’d get your own place and seriously consider if you want this relationship.