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Original poster

Living arrangements. Am I being unreasonable?

127 replies

Anila32 · 30/10/2020 11:53

I've been with my partner for over 3 years now. About 2.5 years ago he moved 300 miles away to progress his career and come back to the house he owns there. I supported his decisions and we became a long distance relationship. About a year after we agreed that I'll move to his region so we can start building life together. My plan was to move and rent a place on my own, as he had lodgers and I'm not comfortable with living that way. (I was happy for him though to keep the lodgers and I would just live somewhere in the area). Once I moved I made my rental arrangements but last minute he persuaded me to stay in his place and try. It's been 1.5 years we're living like this and unfortunately I cannot get used to it. I feel awkward and uncomfortable and lacking privacy. One lodger moved out but there's still one lodger in atm and since covid started we're all working from homes all the time which made it even more difficult to accommodate to.
I already offered him that I'm happy to pay him whatever his lodger is paying for rooms just so we can live on our own. He said that it's not about the money and he won't make her go unless she decides to.
We're also trying for a baby and I simply cannot imagine this intimate stage in life and current living arrangements. I can also add that we're in good financial position and don't need lodger to support income.

I decided that the best way will be if I step aside and get a place on my own until she decides to move out one day. My partner is unhappy about that and says it's a step back and it will put a massive dent in our relationship
He's been absolutely upset since last night once I told him I want to find place to live separately.
Ideally I'd like to keep living with him but without a lodger. For him it's not an option.
Am I being weird with having such needs? Is it unreasonable to ask him for us to be living on our own, especially when I'm more than happy to pay extra for whatever he'd lose without having a lodger in?

OP posts:
Dery · 30/10/2020 13:46

“You will miss your chance of a baby with the right man if you stay too long with the wrong one. He seems to insist a lot, and you seem to give in every time. That doesn't bode well for your future together.

Is that the pattern you want to set for the rest of your life? Do you want to take the risk that the lodger is there for ever? Will he insist on names, on deciding your maternity plans, on choosing if you work and when? At the moment he wants to both live in a shared house like a single man and also try for a baby like a man in a committed relationship. He can't be both.”

This with bells on.

RantyAnty · 30/10/2020 13:47

I think it would be a good idea to step back and see this for what it is.

This isn't even a relationship. What have you built toward the future other than helping him pay his mortgage?

Everything he has done from the beginning has 100% about him. The move. The roommates.

He's a 44 year old and he should have proposed years ago.
He puts a lodger above you.
His actions tell you all you need to know.

Think about back at the beginning what you were hoping for from a relationship. One that progressed and he was more than happy to please you and keen about making you his wife.

He's done none of that. Nothing. His words are just that empty words.

Who cares if he is upset you are moving out? He's had his way the entire time.

Move out to your own place and put an end to this bizarre non-relationship. All he is giving his is disrespect and disappointment.

The sooner you cast off this dead weight, the sooner you can meet someone worthy.

You'll look back 5 years from now with your new husband and DC and wonder what you ever saw in the flakey weirdo.

ReneeRol · 30/10/2020 13:53

Dump him and find someone who wants to build a family with you. He's prioritising his lodger. He's choosing to share his life with her. You are just an add on.

Don't have a baby with him. That would be a nightmare. No space. No privacy. Another woman in your home... No way.

Coriandersucks · 30/10/2020 14:09

You'll look back 5 years from now with your new husband and DC and wonder what you ever saw in the flakey weirdo.

Exactly what happened to me - left useless dh at 34 now I’m 40 with dp and 2 dc.

Don’t pin all your hopes on this bloke op you have options.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 30/10/2020 14:16

he says until then there's no reason for us to be living on our own

Confused there is a very very good reason though??

You don't want to live with a lodger! That is a reason...

The only way his statement makes sense is if he thinks your preferences aren't worth considering. Think carefully op, about who this guy really is and what he thinks of you. He is being quite clear, actually.

Are you sure you want a baby with him?

30mph · 30/10/2020 14:20

Don't get pregnant with him. It won't end well. Red flags are flapping loudly, listen carefully, and make your own plans.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2020 14:23

Oh op, I kind of wish I could shake you right now. Your thought process is so stunted and misguided. You said.

We'd probably get engaged in following months, but this may not happen if I move out as I can see he completely changed his stance towards me once I told him I want to get back to my original plan and live separately until there's no lodger.

He changed his stance towards you? The woman he supposedly loves and wants a baby with? The only stance that should have changed is the one about the lodger. When you mentioned moving out, that should have been a massive wake-up call for him. A normal person would have realised that 'Wow, my partner is really unhappy about the lodger. Clearly, the lodger needs to go.'

Instead your partner doubles down on everything. A fat NO to all of your ideas and needs. Truly unbelievable. Please don't get pregnant. It would be so unfair to a child to bring them into such dysfunction.

HollowTalk · 30/10/2020 14:29

This man is set in his ways and you will always struggle to live the life you want to live, if you stay with him.

He's so much older than you (and I know that tons of MNetters will argue with this) but he's showing all the signs that he can't adapt - the chance of that changing is very very slim.

TurquoiseDragon · 30/10/2020 14:32

Op it sounds like you’ve bought into the sunken costs fallacy that you’ve invested so much in this man that to even consider walking away now is going to mean all that you’ve done in the last few years has gone to waste.

I agree with this, now that I've read the latest posts.

OP, This isn't a good relationship if he's not considering your feelings in this. He wants it all his own way, and I don't think he's considered your POV at all.

I agree with whoever posted that you should move back to your family and friends, and forget this guy. You're young enough, you have a good chance of finding someone who actually cares about your feelings.

Tamingofthehamster · 30/10/2020 14:50

Also bear in mind that you might be prevented from moving away once you have a baby even if you do split up.

Original poster
Anila32 · 30/10/2020 15:31

Thank you so much for your feedback. It opened my eyes that the needs I have at this stage are normal.
I already told him evem before moving in that this will be a problem for me. I agreed to give it a try, but there was no single day I felt happy and fulfilled by living that way. I communicated this to him many times over last several months.
I asked him how long he wants the current living situation to continue if we don't have a baby. He said that he initially thought of 5 years but if I don't like it he can compromise and it could be only (!) another 2 years or until she decides to move out. For me it's too long and I cannot imagine to this limbo carry on for that long.
He said that I want everything immediately and these things take time. He added that after 2 years he could sell his house and we'd be in a position to buy a house together and be almost mortgage free. I'm a landlord myself as I already have 2 properties (buy to lets) on my own, but they are overseas, so I / we cannot move into them. I've been working hard and saving for the last 10 years and now really feel need a time to slow down and create a real home and family life. He's got still a large chunk of mortgage to pay off but I was happy to cover whatever the lodger was bringing in to help sort it quicker.
When asked about getting married, he said he never considered marriage to be important to him, but if I want it then he's more than happy to do iy. No signd of upcoming proposal as of yet though.

I'm really confused as everything else has been really good between us. I do love him and he's great in all other aspects. I'm not sure however if I can sacrifice another couple of years without guarantee something will change?

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 30/10/2020 15:36

For the love of god OP just leave. There can be nothing good enough about this man to cancel out the fact that he's a massive dick.

ReneeRol · 30/10/2020 15:40

Why would you sacrifice another couple of years for a man who prioritises his lodger over you. He's more attached to her than you. He's more loyal to her than you. He's not willing to change anything. He dismisses your feelings.

He's showing you how little he cares.

The longer you're with him, the longer it's going to take to meet a good man who will love you, want to build a good family with you and will make you happy.

If you leave it too long, you'll miss out on having children unless it's with this wanker who doesn't care. Just think, you come home from the hospital with a newborn and there she is, sitting there, right in the middle of your life. He's never going to tell her to leave.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/10/2020 15:47

Whatever you do, stop TTC with him and no you're absolutely not being awkward or weird, i would hate living with a lodger, he's being really weird about it too

Redbirds · 30/10/2020 15:50

I'm sorry OP you have had some excellent advice here. He's not going to marry you or treat you well. Do you really see him chasing around after a toddler at 50 yrs? No neither does he.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 30/10/2020 15:51

He's going to keep moving the goalposts, it's worked for him up to now and he doesn't see why it won't keep working. Whatever timescale he's promising you will keep shifting, and if you question it he will find a reason to make it your fault. It's not two more years and then you'll get what you want, it's never!

There's nothing wrong with liking to have a lodger, but an honest person would be upfront about not wanting to change. Then you'd be able to make a clear choice. He's stringing you along with promises so that you don't leave him because he knows that you're unhappy but it's more convenient to him to give his happiness priority over yours.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2020 15:59

I'm really confused as everything else has been really good between us.

It's only been good because he gets his way about everything. You can see that now surely?

It is so fucking sad that you are willing to sacrifice everything you want and need for a man who doesn't care about your feelings.

NotMeekNotObedient · 30/10/2020 16:01

Weird to be so attached to a lodger. Would not be ttc with him. Tell him you want to get married and to live as a couple - his feelings on this will indicate your next move. Seems like you might want different things. Honestly...time to move out to your own flat and on to someone new. This guy is wasting your time.

wewereliars · 30/10/2020 16:20

Do not have a child with this man red flags everywhere. At this stage he should care about what you want He does not and having a child will make him worse

TurquoiseDragon · 30/10/2020 16:23

@ReneeRol

Why would you sacrifice another couple of years for a man who prioritises his lodger over you. He's more attached to her than you. He's more loyal to her than you. He's not willing to change anything. He dismisses your feelings.

He's showing you how little he cares.

The longer you're with him, the longer it's going to take to meet a good man who will love you, want to build a good family with you and will make you happy.

If you leave it too long, you'll miss out on having children unless it's with this wanker who doesn't care. Just think, you come home from the hospital with a newborn and there she is, sitting there, right in the middle of your life. He's never going to tell her to leave.

This, entirely.

OP, your latest post confirms my opinion that he's a dick. It's still all on his terms, with no consideration to you. I've seen mention that he may keep changing the goalposts, and that's actually true, as he's shifted them already.

LTB, go back to your support network and get some counselling or do the Freedom Programme to help you work on your boundaries. Stop letting people walk over you.

SBTLove · 30/10/2020 16:35

As she already has e.g. things in kitchen arranged her way and sometimes moves stuff around if she doesn't like the way I've left them
That alone would have me moving out🙄
You sure she’s not an ex?

MiddlesexGirl · 30/10/2020 16:40

When are you going to stop going along with everything this selfish man wants? Time to do what you want to do. That will very quickly show you how much he is invested in your relationship.

FinallyHere · 30/10/2020 16:56

We're also trying for a baby a

Nooooo. Much as I appreciate the joy children bring, these are no the circumstances to add a baby into the mix

And he is promising that he will give the lodger notice 'if you have a baby'. Noooo again. What leverage will you have once you have a baby on the way

And as for the lodger moving things around in my kitchen. For that alone I would not be living there. My home has got to feel like my home.

Appreciate that time is not really on your side. Please don't sleepwalk into having a baby with this man on these terms.

HollowTalk · 30/10/2020 17:27

He's 44, OP. He wants to live like this. You don't - you don't have to, either. You're incompatible, so move on quickly.

HollowTalk · 30/10/2020 17:30

I bet he will still have lodgers at 55 and 65, too. He likes living like that.

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