Living arrangements. Am I being unreasonable?

[Anila32]

I've been with my partner for over 3 years now. About 2.5 years ago he moved 300 miles away to progress his career and come back to the house he owns there. I supported his decisions and we became a long distance relationship. About a year after we agreed that I'll move to his region so we can start building life together. My plan was to move and rent a place on my own, as he had lodgers and I'm not comfortable with living that way. (I was happy for him though to keep the lodgers and I would just live somewhere in the area). Once I moved I made my rental arrangements but last minute he persuaded me to stay in his place and try. It's been 1.5 years we're living like this and unfortunately I cannot get used to it. I feel awkward and uncomfortable and lacking privacy. One lodger moved out but there's still one lodger in atm and since covid started we're all working from homes all the time which made it even more difficult to accommodate to.
I already offered him that I'm happy to pay him whatever his lodger is paying for rooms just so we can live on our own. He said that it's not about the money and he won't make her go unless she decides to.
We're also trying for a baby and I simply cannot imagine this intimate stage in life and current living arrangements. I can also add that we're in good financial position and don't need lodger to support income.

I decided that the best way will be if I step aside and get a place on my own until she decides to move out one day. My partner is unhappy about that and says it's a step back and it will put a massive dent in our relationship
He's been absolutely upset since last night once I told him I want to find place to live separately.
Ideally I'd like to keep living with him but without a lodger. For him it's not an option.
Am I being weird with having such needs? Is it unreasonable to ask him for us to be living on our own, especially when I'm more than happy to pay extra for whatever he'd lose without having a lodger in?

I'm his priority, but

I think that sums up your whole relationship to date.

I am also fairly sure I recognise you from the previous times you've posted about this.

I don't know why you're still calling yourself weird and awkward. Stop being a passenger in your own life.

Look at the Freedom Programme course. Sometimes is wrong with your view of a healthy relationship dynamic and it needs fixing. Bringing a child into this disaster would be wrong.

You are not his priority, his 'values' are his priority - he has said so.
In other words, HE is his top priority.
Get out, don't look back.

The word “BUT” negates the positive statement that comes before it… almost as if you didn't say that particular thing at all. It takes away its significance. Actually it doesn't just remove its significance, it almost reverses it.

Sounds to me like not only are you not his priority but he's stringing you along. 2 more years, then what? 2 more? By then you may really struggle to concieve, does he really even want a family.
Move out and move on to someone who is interested in you and is on the same page.

Sweetie,
I just wish I could hug you.

You are great.
He's not pet.
He really isn't.

Please.
Please.
Don't move out.

Move back home.
I could cry for you.
So young.
Your whole life ahead of you.

He's a completely selfish fxxking waster.

Moving back to your home and supports.

He's a waster.

Please don't waste your precious time.

It's all about him, isn't it.

Get out while you can.

He's made it very clear that he is the main priority for him. And if you stay with him your life will become all about him and "his values" (ffs) and what he wants.

Op I left a man like this when I was 33. I'd been with him ten years, followed him to another country for his job, and for us the thing he kept putting off was having a baby. It was something I deeply wanted, and he would say after we've bought a house, after we've built up some savings, after he got promoted etc etc. Until I realised he was stringing me along and he wasn't ever going to have a baby with me or anyone. At the point I left, I was living in his house, that I had no say in choosing, decorating or furnishing, I was in a country where my right to remain was linked to his visa, I wasn't allowed to work, I had no money of my own at all. I had to beg him for the money for the flight home to leave him. I wouldn't wish that misery on anyone.

He would say over and over that he wanted me to be happy... but. There was always a but, and it always involved something that was important to him. It took me far too long to realise that I wasn't his priority, and never would be. If I had been, he would never have treated me the way he did.

There is a happy ending though. I'm 39 now, married to a kind wonderful loving man who is 100% on my team, no ifs, no buts. And we have two gorgeous kids. I should have never followed my ex abroad, I should have left him when he went, there were so many red flags. But I did, I am where I am now, and I can't regret that when I have the life and the family I wanted now, with a much better man. You don't have to stick with this guy, to have the future you're dreaming of, and if you do, I think you're going to end up disappointed.

You are not his main priority. Words are easy, actions show you what he really means. Sulking like a petulant child because you won't do what he wants .... seriously, don't you want more from a partner?

He may not need money from lodgers, but he wants it, and anything extra from you is an added bonus.

You have very different views of what moving in together means. I'm not keen on generalising, but I think that woman often see it as a big step, and really moving on their relationship .Many men just see it as a way of saving money, getting a housekeeper, and making their sex lives more convenient.

Move out asap

Trying to bring a baby into this is irresponsible and madness.

Please at least put TTC on hold until you've lived together for a while and are more secure as a couple.

Good luck OP. And if you do get your own place and he gives the lodger notice to get you back, DO NOT move into his house. It's still his way then, still giving him all the power in the relationship and he may even take you up on your offer of not only paying your share but adding in his rental loss.

Personally after the sulking, stonewalling and you having to follow him, do what he wants and make your life fit with his, I would run the 300 miles back home BUT if you're wanting to give this a chance then the home you both live in together should be equally owned.

Looking at this from the outside, being completely objective, you are with the wrong guy. Bringing a child into this would be madness. You will likely end up as a single parent, tied to him for life - and he will suit himself forever, so who knows how that will play out. When you have a child you are likely to put them first and then the tension will really kick in as in his world he comes first.

Having a child without getting married could leave you very vulnerable, all the more so with someone like this...say the child is ill or has some needs that require more care and you have to give up work. Do you believe you will both be supported?

My advice is to listen to those who are telling you that you are chasing sunk costs. It might not feel like it but you are young. You have time to meet someone else and settle down. Do you really want to keep flogging a dead horse? He is telling you you are not a priority - listen to him. Think about what you really want to do - do you really want to settle in his area and buy a house there or is it time for a new adventure?

You only need to say 'it's not working for me' no other explanation is required to end this and start afresh.

@katmarie what a beautiful story. Its so good to read that things changed positively for you (due to the choices you've made) and you are happy with a new man that shares your views on life and values. All the best for you

Tomorrow/Tuesday I'm having a viewing of a flat to rent and of all goes well I'll move on there. At the moment I'm not able to move back where I used to live. After I relocated from South of England to the North I changed jobs too. I'm working from home ATM but once pandemic is over I'd need to get back to the office which is here in the North. I'm not ready to change jobs again now especially during covid.
I'd like to stay in this area for another 6 months and then see what's next.
You are all correct that if we get back together would need to be on different terms. I realised I made big mistakes by dropping my whole life I had, relocating and staying in his place where I have no rights in deciding in key areas. I wanted to create a family and have a baby so much but realise this needs to be put on hold until our life is sorted. There's no guarantee that something will change.
That's the fourth day he's been barely talking to me. On question why he's behaving like that he answered that I made my decision and I'm the one wanting to leave, so how else is he supposed to feel.
I don't really know how to behave towards him. I'm trying to be friendly but at the same time I'm hurting. I don't want this to be happening but at the same time I know it's the right thing to do.

@nowishtofly
That's very true what you wrote and all these things will become much more complex if the baby joined us. Tbh I never wanted to move into his place for the reasons 'his house-his rules' but I thought I'd give it a try as he asked me to. I cannot imagine more years like this and don't want to use a baby as 'excuse' to give notice to the lodger. It would be ridiculous.

I'm sorry, but as the film says, "He's just not that into you."

"On question why he's behaving like that he answered that I made my decision and I'm the one wanting to leave"

I'm sure you'd stay in a heartbeat if he was showing that he was committed to your relationship and putting you first. Classic DARVO.

@nowishtofly

"On question why he's behaving like that he answered that I made my decision and I'm the one wanting to leave"

I'm sure you'd stay in a heartbeat if he was showing that he was committed to your relationship and putting you first. Classic DARVO.

Agree. Also gaslighting, because you haven't said you want to leave him, you've been bending over backwards to make the relationship work for both of you.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to make him feel better. Remind him that it's the house you're leaving, not him, but that if this small self assertion after 3 years is too much for him then that's his choice.

Thank feck, you're moving out. He is a total fucknugget! He acts as though the lodger has priority over you in every sense. If I share a home with someone, the place will be set up how I want it and woe betide any woman trying to get territorial over how things are arranged in the kitchen.

Hope you moved out @Anila32....

Drop him, he’s not worth it and you’re not worth it in his eyes.

I can see a couple of you posted for updates.
Ah, where to start... basically I was having most of things arranged to move out but it took longer than I expected to find a suitable flat to rent as I have a dog and not many landlords allow that.
However... Last week changed everything. I found out I'm pregnant. Please don't bash me. I know it's all wrong, but it's too late now. Happy about the baby but so frustrated and upset with myself I made this happen with the wrong person. I'm still considering to separate from him but now need to reconsider what's the best way to resolve.

Do you have any support where you are? Given the situation I'd be seriously considering moving back to where you have support. If baby is born where you currently live once baby is here you'll be stuck, unable to move home unless the dad or a court agree. You have some very big decisions to make that will have a long term impact on your life. How is he behaving now? Though even if he's suddenly willing to do the right thing keep in mind the best prediction of future behaviour is past behaviour. I would not want to be trapped where I had zero support with a man that doesn't care about my needs even when supposedly in a happy relationship.

@Anila32 when I met my partner he had a female lodger. I totally understand how you feel as she was there for a few months then left but it wasn’t the same as having the house to ourselves and I didn’t even officially live there. He did want to get another lodger to help pay the mortgage as we had only been together a few months so me moving in then was a bit too early. But I said if he sees a future and that we would eventually move in together I wouldn’t want a lodger there so he didn’t get one. You should ask him why he is putting his lodgers needs before yours. It’s fair enough he doesn’t want to make her homeless but he can give her 6 months notice to find somewhere so you know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t think he’s being reasonable at all and your needs are perfectly normal to me.

Sorry this came up as a new feed and only showed me the first part, just seen the update!!

@BrokenButFighting I don't have here any family here. I had some close friends in the other part of England where I lived for many years, but in the region I live now I have nobody except him.

He is genunely very happy about the baby and behaves really well. He wants to give notice to the lodger in early January (not to 'stress her out' before Christmas). However I've already had a chat with her and made her aware of what's coming. She reacted to it well and is beginning to look for places. I even offered to drive her for any viewings or help her with the move so she has my support too.

He wants to sell his house in the following months and wants us to buy something together. I'd really love to give it a go with him, but for some reason the moment I got pregnant I started noticing all his faults, I even feel that I'm exagerating and being too picky about everything. I'm worried he wants to trap me into mortgate and make me spend all my savings so I have less options to leave.

I'm really confused. I think it would be worth trying seeing how it goes, but I'm worried I'd have no way back to my home country with the baby if something goes wrong. I started reading about all those stories where later the father won't allow mother to relocate with the child, Hague Convention etc.
The baby's due in July so I was thinking to stay here and work until end of May/early June and then go on maternity. Then once on maternity move to my home country to give birth there and stay in the town where my family is. I'd then need to give notice at work once maternity is over. I would be still financially stable after maternity as I have income from my two rental flats. I could also live in a family property that is also currently rented out too, but would be available for me and the baby.

So in theory this idea of life wouldn't be too complicated, but on the other hand I wanted to try with him. It's just a lot of risk and my biggest fear is that if I give birth in the UK he won't let the baby move with me overseas in the scenario we split.
Does any of you know if he'd still be able to legally make me bring the baby to the UK if it was born overseas and I didn't want to move? Could he get law order to make the baby live in the UK?
Do you see any other things I could do to protect myself so I'm not forced to keep the baby where he wants?