Long story short I've been with my partner 17 years and we've two small kids together under the age of 3. Our sex life hasn't been great since having them for a number of reasons. I just be so exhausted come bed time, my 3 yr old is full of energy and my 2 yr old is showing signs of autism according to pediatrician which I can also see myself. Each day is very hard work when I'm home alone with them. My 2 yr old can be hard work even on a good day. I never get stuff done during the day so once they go to bed I tidy up and get stuff in order for the following day and then spent an hr or two catching up and making time for my partner I never get a minute just to myself.
Yesterday I had a pretty exhausting day and my form just wasn't great, I was feeling pretty down. Last night was informing my partner that our 2 yr old has hospital appointment to have bloods taken as they want to check for genetic disorders in 2 weeks. He flipped at me and told me I wouldnt be taking her for them because of covid and to cancel the appointment. I just sat in silence while he was having a go at me (its what I do now because he's the type of man you cannot have a civilised conversation with)
He started telling me I was a bad mother because I'm putting our kids at risk of covid by bringing our child to the hospital fir these tests which he has made me cancel 3 times already. I cant see the pediatrician again until she has results of our child's blood work. Told him I would cancel again and explain why but he just continued to have a go.
In the end up i decided it was best just to leave the situation and go to bed couldnt take the put downs anymore and the fact that he has the final say on everything. Since I've had the kids I dont even feel like I'm a proper mum, I don't have a say on anything despite what he says.
Went to bed and he sent me a message saying thanks a lot. Shortly after he came upstairs raising his voice about how I never put out for him anymore said he could count on his one hand how many times we've done it since the kids have came along. That im not worth the hassle anymore, there's nothing special about me and he doesn't need me in his life. Cursed at me told me I was a cold hearted bitch because he has to ask for sex or oral etc. Just got really nasty with me.
If I'm being honest I've known for a while that this is a controlling relationship and since having the kids ive been isolated even more. Cant take my kids to my parents house, only to his parents and with covid at the min I'm not allowed to take them to the park or into a shop etc. We basically have no life whatsoever, so yes thats put a massive dampener on me finding him attractive anymore. I just can't cope with his behaviour anymore and how I'm expected to just give sex to him every night. Plus my body has changed massively since having the kids I feel disgusting and really unattractive and thats affecting my mood during sex too. I've explained all of this to him.
But its every single night he wants some action. Most times I just do it for an easy life even though I'm hating every min of it and when I dont do it he huffs and puffs and gives off that I dont pay him enough attention. Apparently sex is how you show a man how much you love and care for them!
So hes told me were finished and that I've to find another house for me and the kids. Some of the stuff he said to me has really upset me. So I'm now worried about how ill cope with two small kids and money and try and keep a roof over our heads, plus there really is nothing on the rental market where I live. There's about 40-50 applications per house when they come up. No idea what I'm going to do. Plus this relationship has really messed up my head and made me think really badly about myself. He has threw up stuff about my past etc which he knows really upsets me and now I'm basically just believing all he has said and that no one likes me or can trust me etc
My nerves are all over the place now this morning and the kids are going nuts on me. I just want to curl up in a ball and die