Hes broke it off because I don't put out enough

[Littlesparrow0]

Long story short I've been with my partner 17 years and we've two small kids together under the age of 3. Our sex life hasn't been great since having them for a number of reasons. I just be so exhausted come bed time, my 3 yr old is full of energy and my 2 yr old is showing signs of autism according to pediatrician which I can also see myself. Each day is very hard work when I'm home alone with them. My 2 yr old can be hard work even on a good day. I never get stuff done during the day so once they go to bed I tidy up and get stuff in order for the following day and then spent an hr or two catching up and making time for my partner I never get a minute just to myself.
Yesterday I had a pretty exhausting day and my form just wasn't great, I was feeling pretty down. Last night was informing my partner that our 2 yr old has hospital appointment to have bloods taken as they want to check for genetic disorders in 2 weeks. He flipped at me and told me I wouldnt be taking her for them because of covid and to cancel the appointment. I just sat in silence while he was having a go at me (its what I do now because he's the type of man you cannot have a civilised conversation with)
He started telling me I was a bad mother because I'm putting our kids at risk of covid by bringing our child to the hospital fir these tests which he has made me cancel 3 times already. I cant see the pediatrician again until she has results of our child's blood work. Told him I would cancel again and explain why but he just continued to have a go.
In the end up i decided it was best just to leave the situation and go to bed couldnt take the put downs anymore and the fact that he has the final say on everything. Since I've had the kids I dont even feel like I'm a proper mum, I don't have a say on anything despite what he says.
Went to bed and he sent me a message saying thanks a lot. Shortly after he came upstairs raising his voice about how I never put out for him anymore said he could count on his one hand how many times we've done it since the kids have came along. That im not worth the hassle anymore, there's nothing special about me and he doesn't need me in his life. Cursed at me told me I was a cold hearted bitch because he has to ask for sex or oral etc. Just got really nasty with me.

If I'm being honest I've known for a while that this is a controlling relationship and since having the kids ive been isolated even more. Cant take my kids to my parents house, only to his parents and with covid at the min I'm not allowed to take them to the park or into a shop etc. We basically have no life whatsoever, so yes thats put a massive dampener on me finding him attractive anymore. I just can't cope with his behaviour anymore and how I'm expected to just give sex to him every night. Plus my body has changed massively since having the kids I feel disgusting and really unattractive and thats affecting my mood during sex too. I've explained all of this to him.
But its every single night he wants some action. Most times I just do it for an easy life even though I'm hating every min of it and when I dont do it he huffs and puffs and gives off that I dont pay him enough attention. Apparently sex is how you show a man how much you love and care for them!

So hes told me were finished and that I've to find another house for me and the kids. Some of the stuff he said to me has really upset me. So I'm now worried about how ill cope with two small kids and money and try and keep a roof over our heads, plus there really is nothing on the rental market where I live. There's about 40-50 applications per house when they come up. No idea what I'm going to do. Plus this relationship has really messed up my head and made me think really badly about myself. He has threw up stuff about my past etc which he knows really upsets me and now I'm basically just believing all he has said and that no one likes me or can trust me etc

My nerves are all over the place now this morning and the kids are going nuts on me. I just want to curl up in a ball and die

If you end things as sick as you feel today and maybe for a while yet one day you will wake and feel the biggest sense of relief, you will feel at peace. I speak from experience ending my marriage was the best thing I ever did for myself.

He's awful, you poor thing. I hope this is the start of some freedom for you.

If you call the police and tell them that you are in an abusive relationship and are afraid of him and are forced to have sex with him, they will act.

He is an absolute horror.

Please contact Women's Aid and the please.

Please ask for help.
They will help you.

Do it before he comes home.

They will keep him out.

Do it for your children.

They need you.

How long do you see his "Mr Nice" lasting if you refuse him sex tonight?

I have not read the full thread but there are a few things jumping out at me.
He is trying to stop you getting medical attention and support for a child, he is being controlling and abusive to you and has progressively isolated you and basically deconstructed your integrity.
Get in touch with women's aid.
His conduct is coercive control.
Whatever you do, do not give up the house.
You will need support to get back into your feet and to rebuild yourself but women's aid will help with both the legal side of things and with regaining or gaining confidence and control over your life.

He didn't break it off. This is him asserting more control over you making you feel like you have to do certain things or he will leave. He is fully expecting you to step your sex game up now and do it whenever he wants because you don't want to lose him. He is bluffing.

Please don't do go along with his little power game. Please take this as the first step to the beginning of the next part of your life.

Those friends you once had? Message them immediately and tell them everything. I’d go and stay with your family if possible just for a wee while.

My only concern is if you leave he may destroy your things. Can you get things out slowly and secretly? Things will get better once you have left him I promise

Never has LTB been more appropriate

I’d be packing her crap up right now and off to the kerb with the lot of it.

You’ve no idea right now how amazing you will do without him, but you will OP x

Yes, OP, you are lucky to have a council house, they are in short supply. Please don’t do anything to jeopardise your tenancy, as there is no guarantee that you will get another one, you may end up in a hostel. Please make sure he leaves and you and the children stay in the council house. As others have said, contact woman’s aid, or even the police (it will help your case if there is a police log of his behaviour), emotional abuse is classed as domestic violence too.

In my opinion, from what you’ve said, you are well rid of a man like this.

The reason why he would not want to move out is because a man has incredibly little chance of getting a council tenancy. He has such little regard for the 3 of you that he would rather see you make yourself and the children voluntarily homeless than leave. Not that he has any intention of leaving as you now realise. Stay in your house, stay on the tenancy and report the domestic abuse you are suffering. Keep that feeling of wanting to vomit at the thought and sight of this vile specimen.

You were just given an escape route by an awful man.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Sometimes leaving an abusive relationship is very dangerous...he's given you an out. You won't think so now, but this is priceless.

Don't you leave OP - he wants out, he needs to leave - esp if it is a joint tenancy. You can't see it yet, but in time you will see hens do e you a massive favour. Sounds like a proper wanker

@SandyY2K

You were just given an escape route by an awful man.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Sometimes leaving an abusive relationship is very dangerous...he's given you an out. You won't think so now, but this is priceless.

I don't think he has given her an out. Abusive, controlling men say this as a means to control further, they weren't going to actually break up with their partners, they just want to make their partner terrified that he's going to leave because then she'll do whatever she wants.

If the OP wants an out she is going to need to stay strong and get some support.

Clicked submit too soon.

We need to help the OP by trying to pre-empt what he is going to do or say, because controlling abusive men do not give up control just like that.
Threats of break up are pretty much always to do with getting your partner to behave.
They don't want to break up because then they lose control!

I'd be calling the council asap (before they shut for the weekend) and advising them of the situation. See if they can just take him off the lease. Dunno if it works like that right enough but they aren't going to throw a mum and kids out over a single man.

Also look into what child support you are entitled to. And any other benefits.

I'd also leave the keys in the locks so he can't get back in, whilst you are sorting things.

You only have a limited window until he realises you have cottoned on to what he is and that his plan has backfired.

He won't want to give you headspace. Hense he is already texting.

This is really bad op and he's damaging your children's health by refusing to let you take them to medical appointments. Start by getting onto women's aid to find out the best steps to get him out. And go to housing and see what they can suggest. You shouldn't have to leave. Your kids need a home.

Doesn't sound like he cares for you or the children.

Op you need to get advice - knowledge is power. First of all your local authority will normally have a designated officer to deal with domestic abuse cases where both parents are on a tenancy. Secondly, I reckon you could easily get an occupation order - I know lots of people are recommending Women's aid which is great, but sometimes the National Domestic Abuse helpline is easier to get through to, and they are experts on coercive control and emotional abuse which is what is happening to you.

You need to get things in place in case you have to leave quickly so please do make some calls if not today then on Monday. Is there any chance you can go to your parents for a while?

Here's the details for the NDA Helpline: www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

(PS that helpline is 24 hours so if you can make that call when they are in bed, if he's not in, then that might be a good move?)

What a vile man! can you get some real life support? how far away are your parents? Please find the strength to end this relationship for good. Don't accept his apologies or lies, you can do this

@Littlesparrow0

I just want to say lots of thankyous to each & every person that has replied to my post. Im actually overwhelmed, never expected all those comments! I havent time to properly respond yet as I've obviously got the kids and don't want to be stuck on a screen in front of them so hopefully you can all appreciate that I will def come back on later to respond properly once they are in bed.

As a lot of you have said about an hr ago I got a text from him saying sorry fir last night I really love you! Can't even be arsed responding I just feel like vomiting x

Wow yes that's very manipulative to be back-pedalling like that.

Take care of yourself x

He is treating you really badly, no wonder your confidence is rock bottom. You are not worthless. You are doing your best to protect and care for two young children under intolerable conditions. That's exactly what a good mother does.
Don't worry about what other people will say or not say or what he might say.. It doesn't matter a jot. Just do what you know to be right for you and your children.
Lots of good advice on this thread, I hope you manage to contact one of the organisations mentioned like NDA or Womans Aid, so that you can plan how to extract yourself and your children safely from this abuser. It might not be safe to confront him until you've spoken to them and got some support or a plan. Best of luck
Wishing you all the best.

@Twillow

My poor darling, happy to confirm that this is all absolutely classic abuse. Controlling and coercive. Have no doubt of this in your mind, even if there is no physical violence.

• makes social contact with other people uncomfortable and difficult for you
• gets you to give in to demands for sex
• name-calling and dredging up the past to insult you

-prevents you accessing medical care for yourself or children.

Do not feel bad about your child's second birthday. Feel grateful that you have got to this point of seeing the light while your children are still too young to remember their birthdays. Because if this carries on, they will remember them and hate how they felt, just as you do now, with their nerves on edge waiting for something to kick off.

I spent my son's first birthday on a beach in the freezing cold in February, because my ex didn't like us to mix with other people except his own family. So sad we couldn't celebrate with friends or his own grandparents. And it still took me many more years to see the light and get out.

My heart is beating fast just thinking of what you are going through. We are here for you. Many of us have lived this life. You are not alone. I can't advise you to stay and get him off the tenancy, to go to a refuge, to go to your parents (who in my experience will gladly take you in). Do what works best for you. You will feel a million times better away from this man and I think you know that, the fear and anxiety he has created in you are simply designed to stop you from leaving, not to enjoy a life together.

I would guess he is trying to stop you from taking your child to the hospital because he's secretly afraid of the results and how it would look for him.

This is excellent advice. My father was scarily similar to this guy and my mum stayed for years, to the point that it literally seemed more appealing to die than to continue living with him. Please don't let yourself get anywhere near this point. You can do it, it is of course difficult and requires strength, but you can do. If you have a wobble and need a reason, take a look at your kids and know that they'll be so much happier in the long term if their Mum is happier. Living with these types of people does untold damage so the sooner you can get out the better for everyone (except your H's next victim).

He's abusive. He's done you a favour. You have the kids the house is yours pack his bags while he's at work and leave them outside. Get rid. Your number one priority is your kids.

He has completely undermined you.
You are a good mother. You are a good person doing your best.
Do not let his words and the noises that come out of his mouth change you. It's all about him, him him.
He cannot bear not being the centre of attention. That's why as soon as you mention the kids he flies into a tantrum.
If you started talking about a programme you liked on TV it'd be the same. He'd be jealous of the TV programme because you are talking about something other than him.
You can't fix him. He got like this a very very long time ago before you ever came along.
Unless he gets therapy he won't change.
You are NOT to blame. You cannot fix him. He has anger and control issues.
You have put your own needs aside in order to put all your energy into maintaining this ugly man child.
You are not weak. You do have boundaries. You are strong enough to be independent. You have learnt a pattern of responding to him to keep yourself and the children safe. But it's time to stop it now.
It's time to get help and tell people what's going on in this relationship.
Reach out just like you reached out here. That is what will help you. Best of luck with it. Stay strong because you are stronger than you feel.