Hes broke it off because I don't put out enough

[Littlesparrow0]

Long story short I've been with my partner 17 years and we've two small kids together under the age of 3. Our sex life hasn't been great since having them for a number of reasons. I just be so exhausted come bed time, my 3 yr old is full of energy and my 2 yr old is showing signs of autism according to pediatrician which I can also see myself. Each day is very hard work when I'm home alone with them. My 2 yr old can be hard work even on a good day. I never get stuff done during the day so once they go to bed I tidy up and get stuff in order for the following day and then spent an hr or two catching up and making time for my partner I never get a minute just to myself.
Yesterday I had a pretty exhausting day and my form just wasn't great, I was feeling pretty down. Last night was informing my partner that our 2 yr old has hospital appointment to have bloods taken as they want to check for genetic disorders in 2 weeks. He flipped at me and told me I wouldnt be taking her for them because of covid and to cancel the appointment. I just sat in silence while he was having a go at me (its what I do now because he's the type of man you cannot have a civilised conversation with)
He started telling me I was a bad mother because I'm putting our kids at risk of covid by bringing our child to the hospital fir these tests which he has made me cancel 3 times already. I cant see the pediatrician again until she has results of our child's blood work. Told him I would cancel again and explain why but he just continued to have a go.
In the end up i decided it was best just to leave the situation and go to bed couldnt take the put downs anymore and the fact that he has the final say on everything. Since I've had the kids I dont even feel like I'm a proper mum, I don't have a say on anything despite what he says.
Went to bed and he sent me a message saying thanks a lot. Shortly after he came upstairs raising his voice about how I never put out for him anymore said he could count on his one hand how many times we've done it since the kids have came along. That im not worth the hassle anymore, there's nothing special about me and he doesn't need me in his life. Cursed at me told me I was a cold hearted bitch because he has to ask for sex or oral etc. Just got really nasty with me.

If I'm being honest I've known for a while that this is a controlling relationship and since having the kids ive been isolated even more. Cant take my kids to my parents house, only to his parents and with covid at the min I'm not allowed to take them to the park or into a shop etc. We basically have no life whatsoever, so yes thats put a massive dampener on me finding him attractive anymore. I just can't cope with his behaviour anymore and how I'm expected to just give sex to him every night. Plus my body has changed massively since having the kids I feel disgusting and really unattractive and thats affecting my mood during sex too. I've explained all of this to him.
But its every single night he wants some action. Most times I just do it for an easy life even though I'm hating every min of it and when I dont do it he huffs and puffs and gives off that I dont pay him enough attention. Apparently sex is how you show a man how much you love and care for them!

So hes told me were finished and that I've to find another house for me and the kids. Some of the stuff he said to me has really upset me. So I'm now worried about how ill cope with two small kids and money and try and keep a roof over our heads, plus there really is nothing on the rental market where I live. There's about 40-50 applications per house when they come up. No idea what I'm going to do. Plus this relationship has really messed up my head and made me think really badly about myself. He has threw up stuff about my past etc which he knows really upsets me and now I'm basically just believing all he has said and that no one likes me or can trust me etc

My nerves are all over the place now this morning and the kids are going nuts on me. I just want to curl up in a ball and die

My poor darling, happy to confirm that this is all absolutely classic abuse. Controlling and coercive. Have no doubt of this in your mind, even if there is no physical violence.

• makes social contact with other people uncomfortable and difficult for you
• gets you to give in to demands for sex
• name-calling and dredging up the past to insult you

-prevents you accessing medical care for yourself or children.

Do not feel bad about your child's second birthday. Feel grateful that you have got to this point of seeing the light while your children are still too young to remember their birthdays. Because if this carries on, they will remember them and hate how they felt, just as you do now, with their nerves on edge waiting for something to kick off.

I spent my son's first birthday on a beach in the freezing cold in February, because my ex didn't like us to mix with other people except his own family. So sad we couldn't celebrate with friends or his own grandparents. And it still took me many more years to see the light and get out.

My heart is beating fast just thinking of what you are going through. We are here for you. Many of us have lived this life. You are not alone. I can't advise you to stay and get him off the tenancy, to go to a refuge, to go to your parents (who in my experience will gladly take you in). Do what works best for you. You will feel a million times better away from this man and I think you know that, the fear and anxiety he has created in you are simply designed to stop you from leaving, not to enjoy a life together.

I would guess he is trying to stop you from taking your child to the hospital because he's secretly afraid of the results and how it would look for him.

Just a side thought op, incase the way we've being putting it isn't getting through...

Even if I was a total shit - i'd rather be one in peace! Why the hell would I want some clearly bigger asshole in my life slagging me off 24/7? I don't have a martyr complex. I mean seriously, fuck him.

You do you. I for one would take 100000 of you over 1 turd like him any day. I'm basically saying, irregardless of how you feel about yourself, please see that he is a horrible person and you'll be a hell of a lot happier without him around.

And for what it is worth, you seem perfectly nice to me.

Please do not move out, the council will see this as you making yourself voluntary homeless, do call the council and explain the situation, as you are both on the tenancy and you are the one with the children it’s him that will have to move out, the council won’t allow him to stay there alone as the house will be under occupied (guessing it’s a 2 bed?).

He sounds abusive and controlling and he should not have made you cancel important appointments for your dc. You maybe able to get advice from womans aid on how to proceed with getting him out of the house and for you and the dc to remain there.

Don’t worry about not having any friends, you will find new friends, you will meet other mums through school, kids clubs etc.., I was the same when dh left, I now have friends, a life and my kids are happier (both have ASD).

Nobody told him he was too good for you. He's lying.

You should not move out. Contact the domestic abuse housing officer at your LA. You need to tell them that he he does not allow you to take the kids to the park, or to hospital appointments. This is a safeguarding issue.

Don't waste your time talking to him about hospital appointments and another way to get help is when you cancel the appointment, tell the doctor or receptionist that you're in an abusive relationship and this is why you have previously cancelled. That he will not allow you to go and he is coercively controlling.

They have a duty to act on this. Let then know that you may not be able to talk when if they call.

You deserve better.
He is preventing you from being your best as a mum.
He is the problem.

You need to believe it.

Please DO NOT leave your house.

As the abusive one, he should leave.

Has there been any physical violence?

Decide that in spite of how you feel about yourself now you will leave
Understand that it is natural to think ‘worst case scenario’ now
Know that even if u end up not meeting someone else and have to go through a hard lonely exhausting time life will still be a million times better and you will think to yourself ‘I am so glad I got out of it’
You sound lovely and real
Who feels like naked gymnastics after a long day with the kids
He should have sex with his own ego, it’s large enough, and he does have a hand
If he’s not exhausted at night he’s not helping you enough
Good luck with the diagnosis I’m sure a lot to get your head round
Visualize, get as much info of what support you are entitled to
Remember even if it is a year or two this is a phase, it’s temporary
There are so many ways he could approach sex that helps you come to a healthy compromise
Cry, flop down, grrr whatever but you will get through this. Fact.
he sounds like a teenager
I think you’ve outgrown him
So have the kids

Can I ask you to do something OP? Stop repeating here, or in your head, things he said about you. They aren't true. Don't give them any more headspace. Stop thinking this is about sex. It isn't.
You were just given an escape route by an awful man. He's an abuser and you need to focus on getting him out. Claiming money from him for the DC and getting support. Nothing else matters now. Only getting him out and listening to knowledgeable people on your next steps.

What a vile man. Getting away will be the best thing that ever happens to you and your kids.

He doesn't want you to leave

He wants to make you so frightened of being homeless and alone that he can use this to keep you compliant and doing what he wants. He has no intention of leaving you because it would be too much like hard work

This ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
This says everything you need to know @Littlesparrow0

If both names are on the tenancy you have the right to stay there with the kids, pack his bags and tell him to go ...

I just want to say lots of thankyous to each & every person that has replied to my post. Im actually overwhelmed, never expected all those comments! I havent time to properly respond yet as I've obviously got the kids and don't want to be stuck on a screen in front of them so hopefully you can all appreciate that I will def come back on later to respond properly once they are in bed.

As a lot of you have said about an hr ago I got a text from him saying sorry fir last night I really love you! Can't even be arsed responding I just feel like vomiting x

Dont move out.

Call the council and tell them the situation, tell them you are in an abusive relationship, you have two small children and how do you remove him so the children can stay in their home.

Get child maintenance and contact formalised with any handovers either via another person or have someone else present. Once he is out have as little contact with him as possible until you can gain your strength to realise everything he is saying was not true.

Also, once he is out and you feel better, consider contacting old friends who knew the old/real you, explain how you were controlled, apologise if appropriate and ask if you could reconcile/meet. You will make new friends once you feel better about yourself and you are making your own decisions who to spend time with.

All he wants is sex? Fuck him

Totally inappropriate of me, but this made me laugh.

OP, listen to us, please. You may believe that you are worthless, unlovable, that no-one likes you - but you've got over 70 people so far on this thread telling you that you're not. That you've been with an abusive, arsehole of a man for 17 years and it's him who's made you feel this way, but it isn't true. 70+ posters on a forum aren't going to change your view of yourself overnight, we can't compensate for 17 years, but for now please take on board a microscopic crumb of belief in yourself from this thread.

There are many women on here who've been where you are now. It was difficult for them for a while after the relationship ended, but their lives are so, so much better now. (And I'm sure some of them will be along to tell their own stories themselves.)

Read this www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/. You'll feel like it's your life story for the last 17 years.

Take a deep breath. Let this happen one day at a time. Take back some control (yes, you really can, even though in your head you're shouting at me, telling me it's impossible). And remember that MN and its nest of vipers will always be here to support you.

And have an unMumsnetty hug from me (((((hugs)))))

He sounds exactly like my ex. I am a million times better off without him and you will be too. And so will your DC.

I got a text from him saying sorry for last night

You know last night will happen again, and it will get worse.

Phone the council, find out where you stand and set the wheels in motion before he gets back home from work.

As a lot of you have said about an hr ago I got a text from him saying sorry fir last night I really love you!

Bugger that. It's in the abuser's manual. What he means is that last night you didn't immediately crumble, grovel at his feet and give him three hours of sex. So he's reeling you back in so that you'll do his bidding.

Hi Op, any further abuse from him after you ask him to leave, please ring the police. You have been abused by him for too long, the relationship is now over so dont tolerate it. If he abused a stranger on the street the way he has you, especially the coerced sex amongst everything else he'd be arrested in minutes.

The only acceptable level of abuse to tolerate is zero.

Some excellent advice in these comments.

You can move out - to stay with family/go into refuge etc rather than rent alternative accommodation - but whatever you do, don't take your name off the joint tenancy. If you do, you're likely to be deemed intentionally homeless so this tenancy is your insurance for any future social housing. It gives you rights.

Write down as much as you can about what's been going on. That way, you'll have a record of events to give to all the agencies out there that can help you and should reduce the number of times you'll need to repeat yourself.

I haven't seen this suggested yet but please speak to your GP about how you're feeling - especially wanting to curl up in a ball and die. If nothing else, they will record this and then be able to confirm that your emotional health is suffering as a result of the way this man treats you. Having a record of this is very useful.

Don't tell your partner anything.

You will feel so much better when you're on your own with the children. And my guess is that they'll be happier too. The three of you deserve so much better than having to tip-toe around this bully - he's having a hugely negative effect on all of you.

Just to say - very sorry about your situation but also to let you know I had an NHS blood test at home about 3 weeks ago. Perhaps you can get one. It was offered me, I did not even ask for it. But they did turn up unexpected - 2 NHS workers. They were supposed to make an appointment though.

@pointythings

If you are both on the tenancy, he cannot make you leave. So don't worry about that. Please contact Women's Aid and get some support - this is an abusive relationship. Let him dump you, you do not need this man in your life.

That and as soon as possible.

Do take your child for the blood tests, everyone in hospital is being super careful at the moment, you're not likely to catch anything and - how dare he tell you cannot go to the shop or park. What a cheek!

If he isn't happy, let him go, you'll manage.

The moment he becomes abusive again, call the police to get him out of there.

Don’t let him back in op. You can do it!

He needs to leave. You have the children. Pack his stuff up leave it on the front and inform his parents he will be staying with them. Sounds like he's done you a favour

You are absolutely in a very abusive relationship and you must leave. As others have said, this is better than the 'You will never be allowed to leave me' scenario, so try to be strong and use it to your advantage. Tonight, do three things:

1. Agree that you should split up. Do not budge from this position no matter what he says. Tell me that you were shocked but that it was a wake up call and you've spent all day thinking about how unhappy you make eachother and can't believe you've both let it go on for so long. Decision is agreed.

1. Tell him that you will be happy to leave once you have secured somewhere safe for you and the kids because you know he is a good father and know he wouldn't want you to have nowhere to go. Mention that it would probably be easier if he was the one to leave but if he refuses then you will get things moving as quickly as possible.

1. Agree on how you will co-habit in the short term. Who sleeps where. Washing/Food/Bills

BLOW HIS MIND WITH YOUR REASONABLE BEHAVIOUR. This is the best way to defuse pricks like him.

Don't leave. You need to get him out. Contact the council and explain that you have split, he is verbally abusive and wants to throw you out from your own shared tenancy.

There shoud be a way for them to be able to remove HIM from the tenancy - they certainly would prefer to do that than have a mum and two young children in b&b accomodation while a single able bodied adult takes the house - hmmm I don't think so!

Get in touch with them, but don't tell him this - he'll obviously pipe down with the 'get out' because he doesn't actually want your gone and him having to cook and wash for himself - no way.

Get in touch with council, get advice. Also women's aid. If he continues to kick off, go to your parents with the kids and contact the police from there, explain you cannot go back to your home because of physical threats and can they remove him.

You will get there.

OP, as so many others have said, you are being abused. Please contact Women's Aid as soon as you can - because they can be your passport to a better life with your children quicker.

As a victim of domestic advise, you can ask the council to take your ex off the tenancy and leave you in possession of the house - women's aid can help you with that.

Do you work? I'm guessing not, he wouldn't want you independent. So you can make an independent claim for benefits now, so you'll be able to pay the rent in the future

Take your DC for blood tests as soon as you can - please don't let your ex withhold medical care from any of you

How close are your parents? Will they help you if you need to get away in a hurry?

You have lots to think about - again, Women's Aid or a local service will help you with things through, and make the new life you really do deserve