Page 9 | Too Soon After Wife Passed Away?

MiddleAgedLurker · 30/10/2020 16:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

gillygots · 30/10/2020 16:54

Hmmmmm I’m not sure on this one OP.

When a man is interested in a woman he will make it very clear! It doesn’t sound like he’s interested in that way and given that his wife has not longed passed I don’t see him being emotionally available for a relationship and think you’ll just end up getting hurt and could potentially ruin something that could naturally blossom later. I would wait a while.

PriceEmUp · 30/10/2020 16:54

I mean, I wouldn’t throw yourself at him like a owl and a mouse. But no harm in letting him know you’re interested.

Something along the lines of “I know your grieving, you will always grieve. I want to be there for you in this difficult time. Please don’t hesitate to text/call I’d you need anything from a takeaway for you and the kids or just a chat. I really like you and I want to be there.”

Or if he’s got a good dry sense of humour try being witty. That might cheer him up more than the sappy stuff.

JinglingHellsBells · 30/10/2020 16:58

FWIW the couples I know of who married again after a bereavement, ended up with people who were friends while they were married- often a widow marrying a widower from their social circle.

The thing is, OP, you seem too emotionally invested to be just a friend because you will be forever looking for clues that he rally 'likes you' and getting emotional over his every word and gesture.

As you have never presumably seen him out of work ever, his behaviour at work can be very different to how he is in his private life.

Men in their 50s with their own teeth, hair and a good bank balance are gold dust for single middle aged women. They can literally pick and choose. I suspect after along (and happy?) marriage he wants to catch his breath first.

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/10/2020 17:04

@DontBlameMe79

First time poster, need to share and don't have anyone else. Short story is there is a senior bloke at work that I've worked closely with for the last 3 years (not my boss). He seemed to be one of those too good to be true types, everyone likes him, natural leader without being overbearing, supportive of his team, amazing dry sense of humour had me in stitches, and he did all this without seeming to try that hard (is a workaholic tho). Long-time marriage and 2 DCs in early 20s (I think he's mid-50s). I'm 41 and divorced 5 years ago, one DC is 12. Separation reasonably amicable, just didn't work in the end and we rub along now. I've dated on and off but it's depressing. I admit I had a massive crush on this guy when we started working together but circumstances meant nothing happened obviously and he was always just professional, but I fell pretty hard. Managed to shake it in the end, but it's never completely gone away.

Then his wife passed away in March, right before COVID. Short illness and no treatment apparently. I didn't see that much of him right after because of lockdown but from what I heard from others he was devastated. Then for the last couple of months I've seen him again at work and he's subdued but doing the stiff upper lip thing but I sometimes see him staring out of the window looking sad and my heart melts. Then we had lunch at work a few weeks ago that was supposed to be a quick sandwich on business but we ended up over 2 hours. He talked about his wife and some of how he felt, but he's still pretty guarded. I just listened for the most part. He seems fatalistic about what's happened but obviously massive impact. Anyway that two hours triggered the feelings I had 3 years ago in a way I've never experienced before, to the point of not sleeping, losing appetite, like I'm 15 again blah blah. He's never given any indication of being interested in me as anything other than a friend and work colleague, but before his loss we had so much chemistry when we were talking and the occasional little flirt from both of us. I always found him physically very attractive and he has a weird physical issue (it's a bit identifying so I won't say more) that everyone can see that he acts as if is not even there. The way he just gets on with things despite this is another part of the attraction, I suppose it's the confidence. I know I'm gushing but I don't have anyone else to say this to.

Now I don't know what to do. I want to respect what happened to his wife, but truth is he's the first potential partner since my divorce I can even imagine being with. Here's the thing though, I know there are others who think the same and fact is he's also loaded financially from career success. I'm fortunate myself so that's not a factor, but that plus his other attributes mean I can't get out of my head that he's going to be targeted and I'll suddenly find out he's with someone else. The thought of that happening is making me feel physically sick. Literally. I've even been hoping for tighter lockdown in the hope it will stop anything else happening. So looking for some views on whether it's too soon to try to nudge things along ever so subtly, and even how to do it. I don't want to look like a vulture but my thoughts are driving me nuts. Which is why I'm posting this in the middle of the night :( sorry for the rambling. I just needed to share really.

If he has money and is as much of a catch as you think he is, then you need to consider a big thing. Would he see a long term future with a 40 something with a young child; or would he have fun with you (if indeed he’s even romantically available) and then settle for someone more on his level ie beautiful, young, rich or unattached?

Original poster

DontBlameMe79 · 30/10/2020 17:07

@JinglingHellsBells

I think I admitted infatuation

You did but you also wrote this

I can't get out of my head that he's going to be targeted and I'll suddenly find out he's with someone else. The thought of that happening is making me feel physically sick. Literally. I've even been hoping for tighter lockdown in the hope it will stop anything else happening. So looking for some views on whether it's too soon to try to nudge things along ever so subtly, and even how to do it. I don't want to look like a vulture but my thoughts are driving me nuts.

IMO you know the right course of action but you posted to try to get other people to give you the green light to join the vultures circling him.

You also wrote the subject line as if HE was the one jumping in too soon. In fact it's you.

It's very telling, your subject line.

You know nothing about this man other than a few chats at work.

You don't know what he's like outside of work. Or what kind of husband he was. All your fantasies are based on your imagination.

You have built him up into some super hero who can rescue you from your loneliness and likewise you will rescue him from his grief.

By all means ask him if he's up for a date or a relationship.

But bear in mind he may laugh in your face, be appalled, embarrassed, angry, shocked, and life in the office may never be the same.

By the subject line, I meant is it too soon for me to give him any indication of my interest. What's too soon for him is his business.

I know him as well as someone I've worked closely with for 3 years, which is more than a few chats in the office. I've attended work social events with him, gone on business trips (never just us) etc. Seen how he interacts with so many people in the office and outside. I agree I don't know details of what he was like as a husband, but all indications positive. So just because I don't know absolutely everything about him I should write him off? And head off to an OLD profile? I've explained I'll take the work impact risk.

I can't help that I had feelings for him before, but I never acted on them and managed to work with him all that time without making a fool of myself.

I also know it's early to give any indication of my feelings now after his loss. That's the whole point of my first post.

Your comments seem mean-spirited, but hey I put myself out there and asked the question and you do give me a useful insight into how some people would think and react.

OP posts:

Original poster

DontBlameMe79 · 30/10/2020 17:12

@Diverseopinions

It's possible that this gentleman's workplace personality is carefully managed to be considerate, liberal, encouraging, facilitating, even avuncular but he may be rather more selfish in his private life. A date at the weekend would be a big step into reality, and only then would you know whether there was potential for the relationship to become close and permanent.

it's possible he's a Jekyll and Hyde. I don't think so, but who knows. The sort of test you suggest is exactly what I'd like to do. My dilemma is about whether it's too soon to even suggest that.

OP posts:

JinglingHellsBells · 30/10/2020 17:13

After your update, I want to ask why you needed to post in the first place!

You seem to have decided and are unwilling to consider posters saying it's too soon.

Your emotions are clouding your judgement IMO and you could come a cropper. Saying it won't affect your work or you can cope with it, is not exactly being realistic because HE might find it all very difficult.

You seem to see him as an alternative to OLD and come over as being desperate. Sorry.

JinglingHellsBells · 30/10/2020 17:15

What is wrong with waiting to see if he makes a move on you? If he is attracted to you he will. If he is picked up by a vulture meanwhile, it shows he wasn't thinking like that about you - and not man enough to even see if you felt the same about him.

Original poster

DontBlameMe79 · 30/10/2020 17:27

@gillygots

Hmmmmm I’m not sure on this one OP.

When a man is interested in a woman he will make it very clear! It doesn’t sound like he’s interested in that way and given that his wife has not longed passed I don’t see him being emotionally available for a relationship and think you’ll just end up getting hurt and could potentially ruin something that could naturally blossom later. I would wait a while.

Yes, that's part of the dilemma. I know about the rebound danger and that it might be better to wait. Or it might not. I'm usually pretty decisive but not so on this one and the emotional side of me, usually under control, has come out with a vengeance! Which is why the feedback I'm getting here is helpful even if some is not very nice.

OP posts:

Original poster

DontBlameMe79 · 30/10/2020 17:33

@JinglingHellsBells

After your update, I want to ask why you needed to post in the first place!

You seem to have decided and are unwilling to consider posters saying it's too soon.

Your emotions are clouding your judgement IMO and you could come a cropper. Saying it won't affect your work or you can cope with it, is not exactly being realistic because HE might find it all very difficult.

You seem to see him as an alternative to OLD and come over as being desperate. Sorry.

I think I said earlier that I was thinking the best course may be just to leave things for now and keep contact professional. Which I think is your advice. So I am considering it. Yours isn't the only viewpoint on here however.

OP posts:

PeterPomegranate · 30/10/2020 17:37

I don’t think you should hold back because he sadly lost his wife. You can suggest another lunch and see where it takes you. I agree with others that men do seem to often move on faster than women. Maybe it will go somewhere, maybe it won’t. But I don’t think it’s wrong of you to want to find out.

Terrace58 · 30/10/2020 17:37

My father was actively dating 6 weeks after my mother’s death and I know he was chatting with people online before that even. It was not easy to witness, but it’s apparently very common, especially with older men. We are two years out now and he has a pretty solid relationship, they even live together part of the year. As strange as I find it, I’m glad he is happy.

Onthedunes · 30/10/2020 17:46

All I can think about is Heather Mills V Nancy Shevell.

Have no idea about the length of time to start dating after spouse's death, every situation is very different, but in my opnion I'd give him more space.

It's not just other people who will think your predative , he may think that aswell and you don,t want that.

Original poster

DontBlameMe79 · 30/10/2020 17:52

His wife was mid 40s, so only a few years older than me. But the risk of being the rebound person is there, I know

OP posts:

user1493494961 · 30/10/2020 17:52

I would continue to be a good friend but men do seem to move on quickly. I second asking him out for lunch when the time is right.

Twinkie01 · 30/10/2020 17:59

You sound a bit deranged to be honest. Poor bloke, like a wounded animal with you women circling him, give him some time and space.

ImAGummyBear · 30/10/2020 18:29

I think you sound lovely, honest and level headed OP

The feelings you have sound quite intense and made me smile, it is the exciting and adrenaline filled stage. i think its great that you're feeling that way because you dont choose when that happens. From your post, you have thought long and hard about this and aren't making any rash decisions.

I can see you've also thought about you being work mates and analysed the risks involved.

I agree with dontdisturbmenow
I believe you have felt something from him as well. Follow your instincts on how and when to approach this as long as you can handle any rejection in case you've read him completely wrong.
If you go with your instincts and not doubt your feelings you will do the right thing, which might even be to wait a bit more. If it doesnt work out, at least you'll know. If it does..... ooh la la

JinglingHellsBells · 30/10/2020 18:58

I know my view is not the only one

But the main point I want to make is you are very over-invested already to the point of it being an obsession.

Can you see it's not healthy to feel physically sick at the thought of another woman snapping him up when you have never had any romantic involvement with him? And the fact he's been widowed for a matter of weeks? ( or 7 months if you prefer.)

Your sense of perspective seems a bit askew and your interest in him a bit unsavoury.

I fully get how you feel- we've all been there with someone at some time in our lives- but his former wife has barely been dead for any time at all.

crimsonlake · 30/10/2020 19:24

Romance is probably the furthest thing from his mind right now.

LilacPebbles · 30/10/2020 19:34

I can't believe you think he's up for grabs because his wife died and he's loaded. You want to swoop in before another 'targets' him. Do you not realise that he has a say in his relationships and with whom?
You'd know about it if he a) liked you in that way and b) if he wanted to do anything about it given he's grieving. Jesus.

Blueberries0112 · 30/10/2020 23:20

I lost my childhood cousin who I have many memories with. She was married and had three elementary age girls. Three months after her death, her husband started dating his ex-girlfriend and of course I was feeling very upset thinking didn't she matter to you? BUT it is his life and he still loves misses his wife, my cousin, and I have just accepted and let it go. He is happy, the kids are doing well and enjoying life and that's all it matters to me

Notmoresugar · 30/10/2020 23:51

He will need all the support he can get.
Be a good friend. Don't smother him. Take it slow and see where it goes.
If it's meant to be it's meant to be. Do not rush him or pressurise him.
It's very early days for the poor guy so be patient and see if things naturally develop.

frozendaisy · 31/10/2020 06:05

Ok assuming everything you say about Mr Perfect is true.
It would be reasonable to think he was a devoted husband who thought he would grow old and retire with his wife and mother of his children

They have all had her unexpectedly snatched away at a very young age.

It's way too soon. Like 3 maybe 4 years too soon.

When he's ready, if he likes you, he will let you know.

Way too soon.

Try and think about something else.

Iamtooknackeredtorun · 31/10/2020 06:19

OP you have described his grief at losing his wife a short time ago as 'baggage'. You're not thinking straight.