Too Soon After Wife Passed Away?

[DontBlameMe79]

First time poster, need to share and don't have anyone else. Short story is there is a senior bloke at work that I've worked closely with for the last 3 years (not my boss). He seemed to be one of those too good to be true types, everyone likes him, natural leader without being overbearing, supportive of his team, amazing dry sense of humour had me in stitches, and he did all this without seeming to try that hard (is a workaholic tho). Long-time marriage and 2 DCs in early 20s (I think he's mid-50s). I'm 41 and divorced 5 years ago, one DC is 12. Separation reasonably amicable, just didn't work in the end and we rub along now. I've dated on and off but it's depressing. I admit I had a massive crush on this guy when we started working together but circumstances meant nothing happened obviously and he was always just professional, but I fell pretty hard. Managed to shake it in the end, but it's never completely gone away.

Then his wife passed away in March, right before COVID. Short illness and no treatment apparently. I didn't see that much of him right after because of lockdown but from what I heard from others he was devastated. Then for the last couple of months I've seen him again at work and he's subdued but doing the stiff upper lip thing but I sometimes see him staring out of the window looking sad and my heart melts. Then we had lunch at work a few weeks ago that was supposed to be a quick sandwich on business but we ended up over 2 hours. He talked about his wife and some of how he felt, but he's still pretty guarded. I just listened for the most part. He seems fatalistic about what's happened but obviously massive impact. Anyway that two hours triggered the feelings I had 3 years ago in a way I've never experienced before, to the point of not sleeping, losing appetite, like I'm 15 again blah blah. He's never given any indication of being interested in me as anything other than a friend and work colleague, but before his loss we had so much chemistry when we were talking and the occasional little flirt from both of us. I always found him physically very attractive and he has a weird physical issue (it's a bit identifying so I won't say more) that everyone can see that he acts as if is not even there. The way he just gets on with things despite this is another part of the attraction, I suppose it's the confidence. I know I'm gushing but I don't have anyone else to say this to.

Now I don't know what to do. I want to respect what happened to his wife, but truth is he's the first potential partner since my divorce I can even imagine being with. Here's the thing though, I know there are others who think the same and fact is he's also loaded financially from career success. I'm fortunate myself so that's not a factor, but that plus his other attributes mean I can't get out of my head that he's going to be targeted and I'll suddenly find out he's with someone else. The thought of that happening is making me feel physically sick. Literally. I've even been hoping for tighter lockdown in the hope it will stop anything else happening. So looking for some views on whether it's too soon to try to nudge things along ever so subtly, and even how to do it. I don't want to look like a vulture but my thoughts are driving me nuts. Which is why I'm posting this in the middle of the night :( sorry for the rambling. I just needed to share really.

You think this gentleman is in his mid-fifties. You know little about his life. When someone sadly passes away at a young age, it tend to be the case that their age, when they died, is known, because it is so tragic and unusual for this to happen. You think the lady was in her mid-forties when she passed. So the children of the marriage are unlikely to be in their late twenties, more likely to be still at university and still at the age when parents are driving things up to them, on the phone to them and giving a lot of support. It must be a very difficult time for these young people. You can be certain that, having been involved with babies and then children for virtually all of his married life, that family will be your colleague's focus and he may not be orientated now towards dates and romance. It's also likely that close female family friends will be giving support to the young adult children and him.

To protect yourself, OP, don't get into the habit of thinking of your colleague as having a work life and then a huge vacuum. He may not have that desire to partner up. Posters have mentioned friends who remarried quickly after being widowered, but these men might have been in their sixties or seventies, at the age when the children really have flown the nest to build independent lives, and they are looking for companionship in old age.
Try to work on stepping back from your feelings which are based on a kind of fantasy you have been building up.

So from a devoted husband's point of view as on cheery evenings me and the Mr have "what would you do if I died" conversations!

And I can tell you with absolute certainty another relationship is not even on the radar. I mainly get "I would be a mess but would have to keep it together for the kids" we even go as far as discussing various village faces and whether they would have each other's "blessing from beyond the grave".

This man hasn't even got through one year of grief with all the personal poignant dates yet, first birthday, wife's birthday, anniversary. He might have been staring out the window because it was the date they met or he was remembering that she loved red trees in autumn.

If he is as lovely as you have built him up to be he will have many personal friends whom are there to carry him through this, possibly female ones, who text him in the evening and remember that time when.......

I know who my Mr would turn to if I died now, in our 40s, and it wouldn't be a work colleague he had never spent and time socialising outside of work commitments with.

Nothing you have written, the bare facts not your interpretation, indicates he has any romantic interest in you. Yes he flirts a bit but some people do means jack.

He isn't loaded all his money that's for his kids.

It's pointless telling you to stop thinking about him but try and think about another potential reality, he will compare any relationship to his wife, he may never commit again as you know people you love can just die on you. Or he may already have feelings for one of his mate's ex wives or an old college friend who got in touch and feels guilty. Because no matter what he does right now guilt will be high in the agenda, if only survivor's guilt that his wife is missing seeing their kids continue to grow.

You see any or none of these possibilities could be true.

How would you cope if he already was seeing someone outside of work? Because you would have to cope somehow.

I think you should just wait.
Give it another year, see how you feel then.
I don’t think you sound crazy at all and he’d probably be really flattered that someone likes him so much after the crap that this year has brought him.
But I would say wait a year or so.

You make him sound like a commodity to be snapped up and want to get in there first

Continue to be his friend but stop being dramatic about it

I would actually consider changing jobs out of the company.
It'll either happen because he won't want to lose you or it won't because he's not interested.
Anyway, it would help you manage and wind down this infatuation.
Infatuation is never a good basis for a relationship anyway - I think he'd find it very claustrophobic.
But also, you're in a work situation and there are usually rules about workplace relationships to protect people from sexual harassment. He's senior - he could potentially lose his job if he actively pursued a colleague.
But actually, I really don't think he's ready from what you've said

OP, you don't come across as obsessed. You are clearly passionate but that's different.

I'm sure you don't think of him 24/24 with anything you do or think related to him. You just happen to have very strong feelings about him and have done so for a long time. You didn't act on it then because you have principles.

Life is not black or white. He is probably quite confused overall and might not really what he wants yet but value companionship and friendship. Whether it would involve to more I'd no different to the gamble of any new relationships.

Sometimes you have to go ahead to get what you want in life rather than waiting. What matters is that you are yourself from the start. If that means going ahead and revealing your feelings, than go ahead, it will either pay off or it will let you know that you can move on.

My only advice is for you to be receptive to any moves he makes on you, but don’t make any initial move yourself.

My brother was pounced on by a very determined woman and they’re now moving in together, but he’s not truly, romantically in love with her. And she moans about it behind his back. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I pursued my first husband and it was awful - he was just never really too bothered, and I could feel it.

Wait, don’t put your life on hold, and see what he does when he’s ready.

I can only think a lot of posters here who are saying 'go for it- show your feelings'- do not know anyone who has been widowed before they expected when their spouse was in their 40s.

I accept that when death happens to couples in their 60s or older they are maybe more ready to meet someone else.

But this man has a youngish family, I am not sure they are ready for their dad to find a replacement for their mother, yet.

I wish I knew this man so that I could warn him! You show very little empathy OP.

He’s given you no signs he is interested in you. Your long lunch was purely a therapy session for him. Let him grieve and keep being his friend and see what happens.

@frozendaisy

So from a devoted husband's point of view as on cheery evenings me and the Mr have "what would you do if I died" conversations!

And I can tell you with absolute certainty another relationship is not even on the radar. I mainly get "I would be a mess but would have to keep it together for the kids" we even go as far as discussing various village faces and whether they would have each other's "blessing from beyond the grave".

This man hasn't even got through one year of grief with all the personal poignant dates yet, first birthday, wife's birthday, anniversary. He might have been staring out the window because it was the date they met or he was remembering that she loved red trees in autumn.

If he is as lovely as you have built him up to be he will have many personal friends whom are there to carry him through this, possibly female ones, who text him in the evening and remember that time when.......

I know who my Mr would turn to if I died now, in our 40s, and it wouldn't be a work colleague he had never spent and time socialising outside of work commitments with.

Nothing you have written, the bare facts not your interpretation, indicates he has any romantic interest in you. Yes he flirts a bit but some people do means jack.

He isn't loaded all his money that's for his kids.

It's pointless telling you to stop thinking about him but try and think about another potential reality, he will compare any relationship to his wife, he may never commit again as you know people you love can just die on you. Or he may already have feelings for one of his mate's ex wives or an old college friend who got in touch and feels guilty. Because no matter what he does right now guilt will be high in the agenda, if only survivor's guilt that his wife is missing seeing their kids continue to grow.

You see any or none of these possibilities could be true.

How would you cope if he already was seeing someone outside of work? Because you would have to cope somehow.

As a widow this utterly pisses me off. You don't know what you would do if your partner died @frozendaisy, because it's all just a theory. I can assure you, the actual situation is devastating and you can't "plan for it", or say with any confidence what you would do, and not with "absolute certainty".

Do criticise the OP as you obviously feel the need, but don't justify it with a "theory" about what you and your spouse would do if one of you died.

@frozendaisy My DH and I have had that conversation and I have told H that I would want him 100% to go for it with someone else if he wanted to.

And you @JinglingHellsBells

As a widow this utterly pisses me off. You don't know what you would do if your partner died @frozendaisy*, because it's all just a theory. I can assure you, the actual situation is devastating and you can't "plan for it", or say with any confidence what you would do, and not with "absolute certainty".

Do criticise the OP as you obviously feel the need, but don't justify it with a "theory" about what you and your spouse would do if one of you died.*

@didthosefeetinancienttimes I totally agree. All these declarations about what people would do if they were widowed and how he wouldn’t want anyone for 3 / 4 years etc is speculation. Grief is not linear, nobody knows how someone would feel and what they would do. Whether or not this man is interested in the OP is neither here nor there.

Posters saying what he would or wouldn’t want to do is really pissing me off. A man in his 50’s is perfectly likely to want to meet someone. His focus will absolutely be on his children if he is a decent person but that’s not going to preclude him potentially wanting to spend time with a woman - not to move in with her but to have companionship. There’s nothing to say he’s not thinking straight, nothing to say he should wait a set amount of “acceptable” time to meet someone

A widow dating is not disrespectful to the deceased, they’re dead, they aren’t here. Another relationship isn’t necessarily a rebound one, it might be it might not be. A new partner isn’t there just to take a persons money or to step onto the shoes of the deceased.

Nobody will replace a dead partner but it’s perfectly reasonable for anyone widowed to have a relationship as soon as they want. It takes NOTHING from the

It's much too soon. The poor bloke.

You sound infatuated, and there's no indication that he feels the same way.

Be friendly and supportive, but that's all - otherwise you risk rejection and things being very awkward at work.

@AlwaysLatte

Just carry on being a supportive friend, and don't make the first obvious move other than perhaps offering to be there if he needs to talk - stress at any time, and give him your number, and perhaps suggest inviting him to something like a gallery or something similar that doesn't scream 'date' but does show that you're thinking of him and offering him companionship. I absolutely would let him make the first move though - just facilitate the opportunities!

That. Make it his choice to approach you, if it turns out he's attracted to you. Be there, be available emotionally and as friendly company.

Op I think u need to read your own posts. You say that to refer to his wife as baggage is the 'most hurtful thing to say' but yet u said it!

"Of course he will have baggage around his loss, but from our conversation he seems in as good a place as I could imagine anyone could be"

Thats not tje attitude or respect he deserves in this situation even if he's ready to date.

How would you feel about old photos and pictures of them on display or would u be trying to get them put away as well?

I'm judging no one on dating after the loss of their partner, but I do think, just like dating after a new seperation or divorce, steps need to be gentle and you seem to have zero grace or consideration.

Work on yourself not on some bloke that hasn't even implied in any way he's interested

This situation sounds remarkably like one my mate was in.

A man she knew a few years from a professional body, both in a committee. His wife died, 2 daughters in their 20s. She was there as a friend for him. He cried, she cooked for him, listened to him through the night. They slept together on occasion. She casually met his daughters. She was only once in his house & there were never any plans. He’d ring her, she’d drop everything

After a year he said he wanted to meet her, he had something wonderful to tell her. He’d met something so special & wanted to get married. As it was only a year after his wife died he wanted a quiet wedding. He wanted my mate as witness.

@MadamBatty woooaahhh was your friend sleeping with her the entire time?? Madness

@MadamBatty apologies I see you friend was not the widower - still though. That’s insane if he kept sleeping with her all along!

The widower was bemused that my mate was upset. He hadn’t promised her anything, they were just friends

I

@didthosefeetinancienttimes I'm sorry but I don't think your 'angry face' at me is deserved.

On the one hand, I agree that no one can know how they will feel in the future. BUT at the same time there are things couples can say to each other which can go some way to make their feelings in the present clear.

I think it's perfectly understandable to give your spouse the go-ahead to live a happy life without you if that is what they choose, without feeling guilt or lack of loyalty, if they meet someone else as a widow(er.)

I would encourage my DH to be with someone if he met anyone - should I die first - as he's a lovely man and would probably live a happier life being in a relationship if he wanted to be.

What's wrong in talking about these things before they happen?

I'm sorry for your loss but having lost close friends and family recently I feel these conversations have some value.

So many interesting comments, thanks again. I've slept on it, and I'm going to gently test the waters. There should be the opportunity in the next couple of days (lockdown aside :( ) to catch up with him over a quick lunch one to one. I'll say at the end something along the lines of "you know I'm always around to chat at any time in person or on zoom, or if you need some company. Please don't hesitate to get in contact. I really mean that I'm not just being polite and would like to help if you want it". And leave it at that. If there's any interest on his side that should be enough given he's not dim. If there isn't, no harm done or embarrassment, he just doesn't get in touch.

Many comments above that he could be all sorts of things in real life that I'm not aware of and I agree they are all possible. It really comes down to me just wanting to know if he's even interested and maybe I'll be lucky (or unlucky) enough to find out.

One takeaway I have from the responses is the different ideas we have on how we deal with men in this situation. Many were critical of me for saying there could be predators out there. And then so many anecdotes shared about male relatives or friends being pounced on. I was going to do a word search on "pounced" and see how many times it was used :) We all know what the truth is. And before anyone says it, I've admitted I could come across as predatory to some, even though that's not my intent.

Someone was speculating on his kids age. I said in the original post they are early 20s. There was a post about their possible reaction, which I appreciated as I hadn't thought about that much. It would be a concern, but that's getting way ahead of myself.

And thanks MadamBatty. Funnily enough, I've considered that sort of thing could happen and anything could be a rebound relationship. I think I'm okay with that being a possible outcome, although I wouldn't like it of course. Going back to my OLD experience, I'm pretty pragmatic about things that won't go anywhere, and don't have any hard feelings for the individuals. some things just don't work. I just hate the OLD process, but doesn't everybody? I heard a quote about OLD while ago that was something like "it's like being in a swimming pool full of crap with everyone trying to find the shallow end"

Just realise/be aware his kids wont have moved on and will likely view you as an opportunistic gold digger and playing happy families may well be a pipe dream for years to come.

Funny you mention him having a target on his back -wealthy widowed friend of mine said he felt exactly the same.

Given your record at work already and the 2 hr offloading he did recently, do you not think that if he wanted to share his emotions, he would find a way and a time and seek you out?

I cannot get my head round your lack of empathy for this guy. It's a mere 7 months since his wife died. Do you not get how raw he is likely to feel and how unlikely it is he's looking for love?

surely he has close family and close friends to talk to?

FWIW I think even if you engineer the lunchtime chat and he simply says thanks, I predict you will persist trying to create some romantic connection.