Too Soon After Wife Passed Away?

[DontBlameMe79]

First time poster, need to share and don't have anyone else. Short story is there is a senior bloke at work that I've worked closely with for the last 3 years (not my boss). He seemed to be one of those too good to be true types, everyone likes him, natural leader without being overbearing, supportive of his team, amazing dry sense of humour had me in stitches, and he did all this without seeming to try that hard (is a workaholic tho). Long-time marriage and 2 DCs in early 20s (I think he's mid-50s). I'm 41 and divorced 5 years ago, one DC is 12. Separation reasonably amicable, just didn't work in the end and we rub along now. I've dated on and off but it's depressing. I admit I had a massive crush on this guy when we started working together but circumstances meant nothing happened obviously and he was always just professional, but I fell pretty hard. Managed to shake it in the end, but it's never completely gone away.

Then his wife passed away in March, right before COVID. Short illness and no treatment apparently. I didn't see that much of him right after because of lockdown but from what I heard from others he was devastated. Then for the last couple of months I've seen him again at work and he's subdued but doing the stiff upper lip thing but I sometimes see him staring out of the window looking sad and my heart melts. Then we had lunch at work a few weeks ago that was supposed to be a quick sandwich on business but we ended up over 2 hours. He talked about his wife and some of how he felt, but he's still pretty guarded. I just listened for the most part. He seems fatalistic about what's happened but obviously massive impact. Anyway that two hours triggered the feelings I had 3 years ago in a way I've never experienced before, to the point of not sleeping, losing appetite, like I'm 15 again blah blah. He's never given any indication of being interested in me as anything other than a friend and work colleague, but before his loss we had so much chemistry when we were talking and the occasional little flirt from both of us. I always found him physically very attractive and he has a weird physical issue (it's a bit identifying so I won't say more) that everyone can see that he acts as if is not even there. The way he just gets on with things despite this is another part of the attraction, I suppose it's the confidence. I know I'm gushing but I don't have anyone else to say this to.

Now I don't know what to do. I want to respect what happened to his wife, but truth is he's the first potential partner since my divorce I can even imagine being with. Here's the thing though, I know there are others who think the same and fact is he's also loaded financially from career success. I'm fortunate myself so that's not a factor, but that plus his other attributes mean I can't get out of my head that he's going to be targeted and I'll suddenly find out he's with someone else. The thought of that happening is making me feel physically sick. Literally. I've even been hoping for tighter lockdown in the hope it will stop anything else happening. So looking for some views on whether it's too soon to try to nudge things along ever so subtly, and even how to do it. I don't want to look like a vulture but my thoughts are driving me nuts. Which is why I'm posting this in the middle of the night :( sorry for the rambling. I just needed to share really.

@Willowwood45

Be his friend and see. Grief is complex. Grief in a pandemic is like a cruel joke. It complicates grief massively for those unlucky enough to have lost someone, covid or non covid, this year. Even if something happens, it will not be all lovely and exciting. It may be initially but chances are there is a very emotionally complex situation here. Be his friend and just wait. Maybe that friendship might lead to something and then the waiting and being a good friend could lead to a stronger foundation for a relationship. But he is grieving. His child is grieving and they have had to do it in the most horrific of circumstances. Tread very gently.

That's lovely, sensitive advice, thank you.

OP I would be friends with him first, and get on with your own life. It might come to something or it may not.

I think this all depends on how resilient you are.

If you can make yourself available as 'someone to talk to' knowing full well that you have romantic feelings and hopes, and that they may not be reciprocated, and not fall apart, then fine - go for it. If you will be heartbroken by him not wanting to be romantically involved with you - either because of timing or because he doesn't fancy you - to the point where it will make you miserable/consider leaving your work etc, then I'd step away and just see how things play out without you actively pushing.

He will do/feel whatever he wants, you can only control your actions.

I'm surprised at how many people have come down hard on you OP.
I’m surprised it isn’t more.

Honestly, referring to his wife as baggage, saying she can’t wait a year, being afraid of the predators (of which she is clearly one) FGS my teenager is more mature about relationships than this.

Fact is the only reason you feel you are now able to make your move is because his wife is dead. If she wasn’t he wouldn’t even give you a backward glance, but now you’re convincing yourself of all this chemistry you thought existed once, and imagining your life together, losing sleep etc. Grow up.

Even if you were to end up sleeping with this man, you would be living with the ghost of his wife for the rest of your life. Especially if you’re the one who puts the move on him.

You didn’t want his wife to be in the picture before, now she is, forever. You can’t compete with an angel.

I think all you can do is be there as a friendly colleague who cares, and wait and see. No way would I "out" myself by asking a direct question but maybe that's just me.

Just beware that "infatuation" has a habit of making you look for "signs". When you feel strongly, it's hard to imagine the other person is indifferent. So a smile or friendly remark could be very much over-interpreted.

People are being ridiculous. It’s not for anyone here to decide it’s too soon.

It’s his life.

You can’t control anything except your own actions. If you want to tell him how you feel then do it. He mightn’t feel the same. HE might decide it’s too soon.

But it’s not for anyone here to decide that for him.

I don’t think most are judging the bloke here though are they? It’s the OP who is (IMO quite rightly) being judged for using his wife’s death to jump on him and finally get what she’s been wanting all along while referring to the wife as baggage, and anyone else who might have the same intentions as her as predators.

I suspect the OP would be the type who, if he did get together with someone else, would be expressing concern that they had used the opportunity of his wife’s death to go after him, when that is precisely what she is doing.

He is free to pursue anyone whenever he feels he is ready. But making a move on someone who is recently bereaved is incredibly tasteless. It’s as if the OP is wanting him to think it’s time to move on when atually he might not be ready to.

@SlightlyJaded

I think this all depends on how resilient you are.

If you can make yourself available as 'someone to talk to' knowing full well that you have romantic feelings and hopes, and that they may not be reciprocated, and not fall apart, then fine - go for it. If you will be heartbroken by him not wanting to be romantically involved with you - either because of timing or because he doesn't fancy you - to the point where it will make you miserable/consider leaving your work etc, then I'd step away and just see how things play out without you actively pushing.

He will do/feel whatever he wants, you can only control your actions.

Thanks, I think I could handle rejection (famous last words) and all I was considering was testing the waters. If it's no go then it is what it is. But if there is something :)

Since I know him pretty well I'm fairly confident it wouldn't turn in to a big thing work wise if it was a no, not guaranteed of course and this could be my feelings talking. It's a risk I think I'd be willing to take though. I'd expect him to just politely say no and I'd only be taking some first steps. Maybe he'd be a dick about it but I doubt it.

I'm self-aware enough to know though that my OLD experience and loneliness are playing a big part in how I feel. Sometimes I'm just achingly lonely, and as someone says that's not his problem. OLD has been such a disappointment, some of it my fault I'm sure. I've not had sex for over 3 years. I come across as very "put together" and that's needed as part of the job, but inside I'm in bits. I've had the helpful advice from my mum about intimidating men (if only they knew), but with this one I know for sure I'm not going to intimidate him. He still may not fancy me but at least that wouldn't be a problem.

Saying I think of his wife as baggage is the most hurtful thing.

He sounds like a nice man. Nice men have standards.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

“When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.” (Oscar Wilde)

Personally I think after a year has passed is a reasonable length of time for a man before seeking comfort (albeit slowly) with someone. OP I'd be a supporting, understanding friend until next year, and maybe drop some discreet hints, or speak more directly next year, but only if you're feeling it might be reciprocated.

@2bazookas

He sounds like a nice man. Nice men have standards.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Why on earth should she be ashamed of falling for someone?

You're in a bit of a mess here, loneliness is a painful bitch that easily fosters infatuation, sadly. I guess that's the point of an infatuation it can be a handy head filler (if that makes sense).

I've no doubt you didn't realise how predatory your feelings towards this came across either. You sound like you're in the grip of a pretty massive infatuation and it absolutely has altered your view of reality.

Watching someone hurt is never easy but it doesn't mean you need to fix it by rescuing him and your rescue plan sounds a bit too 'I, me' to be out of genuine concern for him. If your judgement isn't clear you could accidentally cause a problem, I really can't see anything from your posts to suggest he is wanting any next move to be made by you or anyone else

You don't want to convey to someone who is desperately sad ''Let me distract you from that dead wife it would make us both really happy'' unless they are out of the really painful bit. It sounds like there's a chance it would be a really awful crass conversation if you have misjudged it.

If you are good friends as you claim then you can stop and take a few deep breaths and wait for a look, a conversation that isn't about his wife or some sign that he is interested. "I feel he is" isn't trustworthy because of how tangled up your head is.

@Ihg27 I’m glad you’re both happy. But that’s a different situation. You say you both discussed it, considered things - made a joint decision. That’s not the same as the OP at the moment.

You are simply moving too fast and don't understand grief.

The fact he talked to you for 2 hours means nothing in terms of his feelings for you- it's all about him offloading to someone and it might have been someone else that day, just as easily.

You come back to reply to posts and justify your actions so far but the truth is you are infatuated. You are also being naive about the possible impact on both your roles at work if it became a relationship then ended.

All the things you said in your first post about being feeling sick when you imagine him with someone else- FGS woman, get a grip!

This man is a lot older, he's newly widowed, he might not be attracted to you at all.

Get off his case, go back to OLD if you want to find someone, or find some peace on your own.

Your mindset on this is not healthy at all.

@JinglingHellsBells

You are simply moving too fast and don't understand grief.

The fact he talked to you for 2 hours means nothing in terms of his feelings for you- it's all about him offloading to someone and it might have been someone else that day, just as easily.

You come back to reply to posts and justify your actions so far but the truth is you are infatuated. You are also being naive about the possible impact on both your roles at work if it became a relationship then ended.

All the things you said in your first post about being feeling sick when you imagine him with someone else- FGS woman, get a grip!

This man is a lot older, he's newly widowed, he might not be attracted to you at all.

Get off his case, go back to OLD if you want to find someone, or find some peace on your own.

Your mindset on this is not healthy at all.

I think I admitted infatuation

Grief is complex so it's difficult to judge whenever is the best time to meet someone new. I'd take a step back and leave it up to him. I would be wary though as you mentioned that he's wealthy. The kids are in their early 20s they'll smell a golddigger if you are one, they're not daft. Could be bumpier than you'd expect.

You sound very level headed OP. Nothing wrong with being passionate and emotional, it's actually very good qualities.

From what you are saying about him, I think he would be honest with you.

There are 4 options:

• he does like you, finds you attractive and would maybe consider something with you but he isn't ready. In this scenario, he will know how you feel for sure and could ask you out when he is ready.

• He likes you as a coworker/friend but is not attracted to you and that's unlikely to change. However heartbreaking that would be, you really might as well know soon rather than later.

• There's already someone in his private life. Again, heartbreaking but you know and he will know too if that didn't work out.

• He is delighted that you admitted your feelings and would like to try something...slowly.

The only scenario to watch is him being totally confused at what he wants, convince himself that starting a relationship will do him good to start moving in, gets quite into it to convince himself, so telling you things and acting in away to make you think he's fallen in love, to one day wake up and realise it was all a farce and he really isn't ready at all.

If you do start something, you'll have to be very cautious which is hard to do when you are naturally emotionally impulsive, lonely and very much in love.

The only person who knows if he’s ready to date is him and it is absolutely nobodies business to make a judgement on that. Unless you’ve lost a partner you absolutely cannot judge if it’s too soon or not.

However, it doesn’t sound like he’s particularly interested and you do sound a bit infatuated so that is far more of a problem than if it’s too soon,

Grief does not end at any point, it’s something you live with. You can love someone and still grieve a deceased partner, the 2 are intertwined. I also think that an expected death where the partner was ill for a long time and the surviving partner had come to terms with the inevitable is hugely different to a sudden and unexpected death. Much of the grief is processed before the death and the death can be a relief rather than a trauma

I think the reference to others being keen is something to watch. If this gentleman gets wind that the other ladies in the office are all keen on moving in in him and gossiping about who's front runner, who thinks they've got a chance, it will sound terribly naff.
The post about 'alpha male brought low' is the most useful in my view. The fact that yourself and others think it's a question of she who dares to get in first wins underlines this man's vulnerability and failing to be firing on all cylinders at the present bereaved time. Normally, more initiative would be attributed to him. He is being figured by you and the other interested females as helpless. It seems that subconsciously you may feel that someone with more guile will get in there before you and say all the right things to unlock his heart. I think you sense, deep inside yourself, that this is a question of an opportunity arising because this man may not be thinking straight.

He may not want to marry a workmate and he may not want an instant fux

AlternativePerspective
You didn’t want his wife to be in the picture before, now she is, forever. You can’t compete with an angel.

Now that is just mawkish nonsense that you'd find on a crappy meme.

This man is grieving his wife. She isn't an 'angel', she is no longer here. You have no idea of their relationship to classify the wife as anything.

You are clearly desperate for love and to be loved but of course he will still be in love with his wife although now deceased.
A past ex of mine's wife died 2 years ago, I am on my own following divorce and still carry something of a torch for him from many years ago.
Perhaps I have thought about him and what might happen if I made contact. However only now 2 years down the line would I consider this in any way appropriate and I still would not go down that path.
He is very successful and runs his own business, it has never entered my mind that I should jump in and grab him before someone else does.
As an aside I have been on OLD for a very long time, so understand the frutile nature of that for many of us.
If it is going to happen, let him dictate events.

I think I admitted infatuation

You did but you also wrote this

I can't get out of my head that he's going to be targeted and I'll suddenly find out he's with someone else. The thought of that happening is making me feel physically sick. Literally. I've even been hoping for tighter lockdown in the hope it will stop anything else happening. So looking for some views on whether it's too soon to try to nudge things along ever so subtly, and even how to do it. I don't want to look like a vulture but my thoughts are driving me nuts.

IMO you know the right course of action but you posted to try to get other people to give you the green light to join the vultures circling him.

You also wrote the subject line as if HE was the one jumping in too soon. In fact it's you.

It's very telling, your subject line.

You know nothing about this man other than a few chats at work.

You don't know what he's like outside of work. Or what kind of husband he was. All your fantasies are based on your imagination.

You have built him up into some super hero who can rescue you from your loneliness and likewise you will rescue him from his grief.

By all means ask him if he's up for a date or a relationship.

But bear in mind he may laugh in your face, be appalled, embarrassed, angry, shocked, and life in the office may never be the same.

When people are saying go for it, do they mean ask him on a date? Maybe it would be worth approaching it gently from more of a friend's point of view, see if he wants to go walking on the weekend or something and see how it goes. Let him take the lead.

OP, go for it. You sound lovely, considerate and honest in your approach - please don’t let a bunch of strangers on the internet talk you down, potentially missing a chance for something special. I am surprised at the amount of negativity you’re getting here. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with gently, subtly testing the waters and then leaving the ball in his court. He may or may not be ready and it is for him to decide. The attraction may well be mutual, which is why you feel so strongly about him. I always found that for me the strongest pull was to the people who reciprocated my feelings/ also found me attractive (which I didn’t know at the time), like a subconscious recognition of a potential match. Good luck!

The attraction may well be mutual, which is why you feel so strongly about him.

so if it is, why is he not acting on that?

Honestly, he is the one who was widowed only weeks ago - 7 blinking months!

The onus is on him to reach out if he wants a relationship.

But often the people who get caught up in re-bound relationships are not the same ones that the person ends up with. Often, they are there as a 'test the water' experience.

I'd be very wary of dating anyone widowed or divorced within a few months of them being single again. People need time to process emotions, not jump into something. When they do , it often ends badly .

It's possible that this gentleman's workplace personality is carefully managed to be considerate, liberal, encouraging, facilitating, even avuncular but he may be rather more selfish in his private life. A date at the weekend would be a big step into reality, and only then would you know whether there was potential for the relationship to become close and permanent.