Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

692 replies

Pollydaydream · 29/10/2020 22:43

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

OP posts:
lucie8881 · 02/11/2020 22:34

If your existence is pretty much ignored it's another thing that would unsettle me.

JaffaCake70 · 02/11/2020 22:36

[quote Pollydaydream]@lucie8881 that's it exactly. She knows about me, she is on his Facebook and he used to post a lot of family stuff on there. He hasn't posted anything with both of us in for nearly a year though.[/quote]
I think it's a huge red flag that he hasn't posted anything with both of you in for nearly a year. That alone would make me suspicious.

JaffaCake70 · 02/11/2020 22:38

@DeRigueurMortis I was joking!

lilmishap · 02/11/2020 22:39

If she's on his Facebook just ask!

anxiousanxiety · 02/11/2020 22:40

If you've bought her book, just try to play it cool and see what his reaction is. But be prepared for him to ask why you've bought it. You could feign interest in her cookery/fitness or whatever it is she's famous for and say someone at work recommended it and her name rang a bell and you realised it's her he went to school with...you didn't realise she was married etc......reel him in and then see what he says. Don't react immediately. Then after that check the account over the next week and see if anything changes. Screenshot it all. Then challenge him. Good luck. I hope it's nothing more than infatuation but whatever it is the trust is gone now.

Original poster
Pollydaydream · 02/11/2020 22:42

@lucie8881 in the messages in insta he has mentioned me maybe twice in a year.

Am I digging a hole if I look at his Facebook messages to see if they spoke there before he got insta?

OP posts:
Belleblush · 02/11/2020 22:44

Do it! Go through the fb

EatAFajita · 02/11/2020 22:47

Why don't you get a nice photo of you both looking loved up and suggest to add as a Facebook profile picture....

I'd recommend to screenshot these messages though as he can easily delete if he thinks you know about them.

I do feel for you. It's that awful, churning feeling in your stomach when you know something is not right, but just not enough proof.

showmethegin · 02/11/2020 22:47

I reckon it's Andrea McLean

ElspethFlashman · 02/11/2020 22:48

Too old.

I reckon Gizzi Erskine.

DeRigueurMortis · 02/11/2020 22:51

Am I digging a hole if I look at his Facebook messages to see if they spoke there before he got insta?

At this point no I don't think so. You've already "snooped" so might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb...

showmethegin · 02/11/2020 22:51

Sorry OP, just had a brainwave. Didn't mean to hit post! I agree with other posters that it doesn't matter than she's famous but trust your gut if it feels off. It would feel off to me 100% because of the sheer consistency of it. I don't speak to anyone every single day other than my DP, mum and sister. It's a lot of work to maintain that

lucie8881 · 02/11/2020 22:54

@Pollydaydream I would look, he's being deceitful with his carryings on and I would want to know how long this had been going on for.

At this point, seeing all you have, I wouldn't feel guilt for delving further. He's given you more than enough reason to look.

I hope you don't find anything untoward though xx

MotherofTerriers · 02/11/2020 22:59

Op, just in case it’s not innocent and this all blows up, save or screenshot and save all the messages. In case he denies/minimises

Original poster
Pollydaydream · 02/11/2020 23:03

OK, so I've looked at his Facebook. He was talking to her before Instagram and has done for years. It was more intermittent, more like short convos every 2 or 3 weeks. Even on her wedding day, they were messaging mundane stuff. One night last year he had told her that she looks "amazing" in her pics and that her husband "must be mad" (they were having problems). She told him she has loads more pics on her insta, from that it appears he set up an insta account and it snowballed from there.

Men and bloody pictures 🙄

OP posts:
AskMeOnce · 02/11/2020 23:04

I Think the whole book thing is game playing and passive aggressive. You are being egged on by bored posters on an anonymous forum.

If I were you I'd search every avenue of messaging (Facebook, Instagram, email, texts etc) screenshot everything. (While he is still unaware that you know) And then I'd sit down and have an honest talk with him.

Huge red flags are the frequency of messages, and not mentioning you or posting photos of you often, or ever. Also the little flirty comments you mentioned and fire signs he sends her - I see that as a betrayal of your marriage and out of order.

OldAndWornOut · 02/11/2020 23:08

I'm back to see how things are progressing.
Just reading the thread up to date and it seems as if they are doing some sort of weird "testing the water" dance.
One step forward, dip a toe into potentially dangerous waters, then retreat back onto safe ground..
It really is bizarre!
You would think that one of them would have actually broached the subject of an affair, if it's floating around between them.

lilmishap · 02/11/2020 23:12

Why was she messaging him on her wedding day?
If you want to talk to someone on your wedding day don't you invite them?

jd88124 · 02/11/2020 23:12

Did you leave the book out op?

Avondklok · 02/11/2020 23:22

On his FB? On her wall, or did you guess his password to see his PMs? Honestly, unless this an attempt to string the thread out for weeks, why don't you just speak to him? It seems unlikely they are having an affair as she lives so far away.

ForeverWondering · 02/11/2020 23:25

If it is "innocent" why has he never mentioned her to you if they've been friends since school?
Did he ever bring up "oh I went to school with so and so" when she's been on TV etc?
Watching TV programmes together definitely seems like an emotional affair, even if the messages don't read as such.

I hope you're coping okay OP. X

Zucker · 02/11/2020 23:29

Are you sure it's an official page of this famous woman? Is it actually her?

The messaging mundane crap on her supposed wedding day sets off weird alarm bells tbh.

sickohsickofthisshit · 02/11/2020 23:31

This seems
Like an emotional Affair to
Me, yes the messages may not be exploit but frankly
I'd be livid !

lucie8881 · 02/11/2020 23:32

So their contact has escalated and you know there's a mutual attraction there. Thankfully there's too much physical distance for things to progress further any time soon. So you have got time to think how you would like to approach things.

As I said earlier, if it were me I'd be direct. Ask him straight up what's going on and let him know that his behaviour has been hurtful and disloyal. It very well may be an ego boost that's got out of hand. His reaction to the whole business would influence how we moved on from it.

I personally wouldn't bother with the book, I'd want answers and to be working towards a resolution. The book thing would be too slow and indirect for my liking. But that's my preference, you may feel differently.

vdbfamily · 02/11/2020 23:33

I agree with just talking to him about it. At some stage you will need to fess up to knowing about all the messages and then he will know the book was a plant. You don't want to give him any ammo to put this back on you.