Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

I think they’re both testing the waters for an affair. They have a long standing friendship so they don’t want to get caught imaging something that isn’t there, but they’re on the same page.

Helen Skelton?

Unfortunately completely agree @Toilenstripes

It's bizarre....

I simply can't fathom (a good) reason why he hasn't mentioned her to you before.

I'm somewhat wondering if he's totally compartmented his friendship with her because although he knows he will never be with her (because he's married and also if he perceives her to be punching above his weight) then he wants to keep that separate from you as some sort of secret fantasy?

So he can message/interact with her and secretly think "what if" secure in the knowledge that it won't happen but he does have to justify his "daydreams" about her because you have no knowledge of her.

Tbh I'd cut the cloak and dagger stuff and ask him what the hell is going on.

He'll be pissed off you snooped (they always are) but you only did that because he gave you to grounds to.

If he'd been upfront there would have been no need because when the message popped up you'd have dismissed it as from XYZ famous friend he's known for years rather than think wtf and investigate further.

Truth is at some point you're going to have to tell him you've seen his SM/Messages because otherwise how else will you get to the bottom of this? So why put it off?

Omg those
Messages are
Bad, I’m so sorry OP. I bet
You are
Furious, what a bloody idiot. She’s attention seeking showing him the explicit messages and he’s eating out of her hand, the affair comment though omg!! What a pig!! While you are being a busy nurse and mother and wife! Stay strong xxx

@derigueurmortis thank you, youve pretty much vocalised what I suspect is the case. I feel like she's the one who's got away and he's got some weird daydream going on. Ive only continued snooping because I'm on shifts for another few days and need a clear head but I'll be tackling it this weekend. I was also hoping to find something definitive in there so he can't talk his way out of it, but I couldn't. I think he will brush it off as friendship whatever I say.

Hmm it was misguided but innocent I thought, but those message are really treading a line. But salvageable hopefully?

@toilenstripes that's what my gut is saying

He can only brush it off if you let him. You don't have to be passive.

He probably will but the secretive nature of it and the constant dialogue point to more than a friendship.

I think you need to get him to understand how hurtful it is that he is basically conducting a parallel life with a secret friend via messaging. And how would he feel if you did this!

Before you blow up at him may I suggest further digging and watching on your part.

This does sound like major flirting even if the logistics of him meeting up are slim.
This situation has an unusual twist as in she is a public figure.

Some years ago I was asked by a reporter for some information regarding someone who was really quite famous.
They offered me a large sum just to confirm or deny the accusation.

I didn't accept the offer but that's not important, this person had not hurt me.

Hopefully your situation will work out to be salvageable but just in case...

Kate Humble

Seems like an emotional affair
But because it's through a screen he will play it down 🤔

IS IT ONE OF THE NOLAN BROTHERS

[quote Pollydaydream]@derigueurmortis thank you, youve pretty much vocalised what I suspect is the case. I feel like she's the one who's got away and he's got some weird daydream going on. Ive only continued snooping because I'm on shifts for another few days and need a clear head but I'll be tackling it this weekend. I was also hoping to find something definitive in there so he can't talk his way out of it, but I couldn't. I think he will brush it off as friendship whatever I say.[/quote]

His rebuttals:

• You shouldn't snoop - you shouldn't have needed to. If he'd have been honest it wouldn't have occurred that you would have needed to.

• She's a childhood friend - ok so why don't I know about this friend? More importantly having been out of contact for many years why wouldn't you tell me you've resumed contact (over a year ago and interestingly at the time her marriage has failed).

• it's because she's famous and I didn't want you to be jealous (like you are behaving now, so I was justified in hiding it) - I'm not jealous I am pissed off. I don't care who she is. I care about the fact you've been messaging another woman daily for over a year, which indicates she's important to you but you chose to keep me in the dark. I care even more that some of the interaction between you is totally inappropriate. She could be anyone and it still wouldn't be ok.

• I kept it private because people have sold stories about her in the past - you think I would do this? Is that how you think of me?

• I'm just trying to cheer her up as her marriage failed - at the expense of your own? Really? By flirting? By being secretive?

I'm sure other posters can add some more to prepare you for the weekend....

@derigueurmortis thank you so so much, this has helped. I don't know why I feel bad asking, I feel like if I had been messaging a guy every day for a year then I couldn't complain if I was asked about it.

Something I forgot to add earlier: they have been talking every day for a year, but that was when he got Instagram. I don't know if they have been talking on anything else beforehand. I she's been on his Facebook for a decade, I don't know if they stayed in touch much before that. I know he's liked every single one of her profile pics (that's all I can see on her profile) except the ones with her ex for the past ten years.

I don't think it matters whom this is (although I'm following to find out myself). He's been chatting to another woman everyday for a long time and you know nothing about it

Double life. He's getting something from this that he thinks lacks in your relationship I'd say.

Good luck OP xx

@Sparkle733

As soon as her book arrives start slating it. See how he reacts to that haha.

Yes! Like "Omg, this is the biggest load of garbage" and start ripping pages out and lining your cat litter trays with it (if you have a cat).

I think whatever he says will be irrelevant. He has made his wife feel like shit. That should be enough for him to answer why and stop it.

Another one to add to the list OP:

• We a just friends - interesting then why you "liked every single one of her profile pics (that's all I can see on her profile) except the ones with her ex for the past ten years." What does that say about you/your feelings to her? Do you think me a fool?

Has the book arrived? X

You know what op, screen shot everything you can for your insurance if you decide to. Leave your marriage.

Yes! Like "Omg, this is the biggest load of garbage" and start ripping pages out and lining your cat litter trays with it (if you have a cat).

Do not do this. In fact bin the book don't put it out for him to see (or if you want a revenge of sorts put it in the supermarket book donation box with a sticker saying "read at own risk of boredom").

It just adds weight to you being jealous of her success/fame when you call him out on this and "obsessed" by buying the book in the first place.

You need to be perceived as perfectly "neutral" towards her as far as her fame is concerned. She could be anyone - he's still behaved badly.

Out of curiosity do any of their messages make reference to you?

Such as, if you and DH go out she may ask "did you and Polly have fun?" or he says in reference to watching TV "we're about to watch xxx, Polly's not so keen but I'm a big fan"

Those are probably crap examples but hopefully you get the gist, are you present on some level. That would be more typical of mundane innocent conversations between two friends.

@DeRigueurMortis

Yes! Like "Omg, this is the biggest load of garbage" and start ripping pages out and lining your cat litter trays with it (if you have a cat).

Do not do this. In fact bin the book don't put it out for him to see (or if you want a revenge of sorts put it in the supermarket book donation box with a sticker saying "read at own risk of boredom").

It just adds weight to you being jealous of her success/fame when you call him out on this and "obsessed" by buying the book in the first place.

You need to be perceived as perfectly "neutral" towards her as far as her fame is concerned. She could be anyone - he's still behaved badly.

I agree with this. Hes being sneaky , you dont need to sink to that level. You want to be able to confront him with honesty. Dont play games, be completely upfront.