Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

Is she on one the holiday programs 🤔

I really hope it's all innocent but I don't think I could over my husband talking to a woman from. His past every day. Its like an emotional affair of sorts

She's a saddo if she's talking to a married man all day every day. No matter how successful she appears to be.

If your going with the book thing say ‘hey it says she went to school here.. didn’t you go there??? Your the same age do you know her? You’ve never
Mentioned her before that’s strange... gauge his reaction.

Even if the book doesn’t say that, he’s not going to sit and read it all.
It will be interesting to see if he sends her a picture of the book when he spots it

Also if you have guessed his Instagram I would leave it logged in so that he doesn’t keep getting email alerts

So many posters appear fine that Dh is keeping her a secret because she's famous and he's that respectful.

Does she know about you OP?
Or is he also respecting your privacy by not telling her anything about you?

@lucie8881 that is my feeling exactly. There are some inappropriate comments in there but other than that it's humdrum

Did the book come yet op?

I think his reaction to that will show you if it's above board or not.

I think after 18 years he could have confided with you, if he had a famous friend. Unless you are a big blabbermouth?

OK I have had another read through and here are some of the things that don't sit right with me. It's important to note that after each of these comments, the conversation just reverts back to every day stuff (just to make things more confusing 🤯)

These are all over different months, not clustered together. It also makes me think he's not deleting messages because these would be gone.

Him: shocked emoji to photos
Her: thanks 😘😘

Her: long speech about how nice he's been to her during a bad time.
Him: it's no problem 😘

Her: sends him a screenshot of an explicit message sent to her by a fan with the same name as him.
Him: sent that from my other account 😂

Her: tells him about another old friend of hers who propositioned her for an affair.
Him: damn it that was my plan 😂

She jokes about him meeting her when she travelling for work. He responds with "imagine 😂". When he has good news, she responds with "congratulations you handsome f**ker". The conversations then go back to normal day to day banter.

I don't know if they have feelings but neither wants to make a move, or if this is a friendship and I'm going full bunny boiler.

I can only stay calm about this right now because I'm in shifts but I expect I'll probably blow when I'm off this weekend.

Julia Bradbury.

My husband fancies her too.

Erm, I don't communicate with my friends like that...unless I fancy them... And I definitely don't keep any friendships secret from my husband!

@audthedeepminded my feelings exactly

I think the comment about another friend asking her for an affair was her way to test the water to see if he would be up for it. I would have to ask him out right whats going on but then I'm not very patient.

It would put a different spin on it if he was open about their friendship. I still would have issue with the frequency of communication but that would be offset by me knowing about her, her knowing about me and it all being in the open. That's not suggesting all message content should have been divulged to OP but just the friendship in general. If there's nothing to hide then what's with the hiding??

It's them sharing something your not privy too, it's hidden. A relationship where you're the third wheel.

@EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide EXACTLY

I think the fact he is keeping her secret tells you all you need to know. Even if nothing has happened yet we can all see where this is going.

@lucie8881 that's it exactly. She knows about me, she is on his Facebook and he used to post a lot of family stuff on there. He hasn't posted anything with both of us in for nearly a year though.

Sorry I hope I haven't minimalised your issue. Definitely needs an explanation I would say.

Definitely odd. I would feel hurt if it was every day. Kind of why don't you mention it type thing?

I had an ex boyfriend contact me some years ago. Just friendly 'how are things' type of convos. One day I asked if his wife knew we were in touch. She did not. I told him she ought to and that it was not an honourable way to behave, even though totally innocent (on my behalf).

They're flirting and making insinuations about a possible affair if they had the opportunity... That's not platonic friendship.

Even if it's just a little ego massage for him it's not on!

I have no patience and would have to ask whats going on
Some of those comments are a step over the line
And i message male friends but not every day and my husband is usually aware as often may say i sent xxx a message to ask how new job was going or something like that

These three would bother me and imo cross the line from innocent friendship into betrayal / insinuating more between one another:

Her: sends him a screenshot of an explicit message sent to her by a fan with the same name as him.
Him: sent that from my other account 😂

Her: tells him about another old friend of hers who propositioned her for an affair.
Him: damn it that was my plan 😂

She jokes about him meeting her when she travelling for work. He responds with "imagine 😂

@sweetcruciferous they're the ones that punched me in the gut. I'm only staying calm because I need to get through work this week before I lose it with him. It's helped gettitn unbiased opinions here in advance.